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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be concerned about DDs occasional drug use?

999 replies

saltyskies8 · 25/05/2021 16:18

DD is 27, living in the city as a single professional and has a fantastic social life (in normal times!). We are very close and have the sort of relationship where she feels able to tell me about most things I'd say. Since moving to the city for work a couple of years ago, she's openly told me that her and her friends will occasionally use cocaine or MDMA on nights out or in and that it's very much normal amongst everyone she knows there. DD is otherwise very fit and healthy and personally, I see her drug use as entirely normal for someone of her age group who is young, single and enjoying life in the city.

DH and I got talking last night after watching a series on bbc3 about drug use and I mentioned DDs recreational drug use, which he was not previously aware of. DH is highly concerned and has accused me of being irresponsible for not being concerned about her health and advising she seeks help. I explained my view that most people in their 20s living in the city are doing this and he believes I'm completely deluded and DD has a problem.

I'm genuinely interested to know others thoughts on this? AIBU in not being worried about drug use at this stage in DDs life?

FYI I completely appreciate there are ethical issues in terms of gang crime, county lines etc. but DD and her friends are already well aware of this and I'd rather focus on the health aspect of this for the purpose of this thread :)

OP posts:
BiBabbles · 26/05/2021 22:12

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Why do people try to argue for the legalisation of illegal drugs on the basis that alcohol is legal and phenomenally harmful?

I don't make my argument based on alcohol, but I think drug use should be treated as a health/medical/social issue rather than a criminal issue largely because of good results from places that have put in the funding and systems in reducing drug related deaths and crimes and, with the appropriate support, enables better discussion of harm reduction and in getting appropriate medical treatment and care for affected loved ones. Decriminalization can also make it easier to conduct research on the therapeutic possibilities and get more honest answers in researching this area.

It does take putting in funding and structures to support it rather than just going 'it's legal'. Decriminalization isn't the same as legalisation - in Portugal's model it's an administrative/civil offense that penalties and sanctions can be used, rather than criminal for small possession. I'm not sure if the SNP's plan does that very well, I haven't dug into it.

Treating it as a criminal issues has had an abysmal track record, it hasn't done much to reduce harm or deaths, so I look where the research is going. That's why I took such an issue with EYProvider's language around children they've apparently come across in their work -- discussing children with behavioural issues/SEN/disabilities in such a punative way is linked with further mistreatment of said children when such things are viewed as the parents fault and ignores that most children with drug using parents that come to the attention of authorities enough to have child protection meetings will most likely have multiple ACE factors along with other social factors that we can't draw a straight line from to say that's the one that caused them. 'Telling it straight' with anecdotes from a very biased sample doesn't help when it's treating a child's issues as a punishment for the parents when there is plenty of research on how important language is in this issue.

If I based my opinions on drug users based on just those I've met, I'd throw the book at all of them as many in this thread have said but I don't think even most of them would at those who take diazepam, even though some take it recreationally, even though some of us have experiences of people getting violent while on it, because we know many people take it responsibly and it has benefits even with those risks. I doubt most of them would call the parents who were part of MDMA trials on treatments for trauma disorders terrible parents even if a mental illness is an ACE factor just like problematic drug use because that route is viewed as responsible even though MDMA has risks. It's more how it's taken than the substance, whichever type of drug which all have their own risk factors. My own experience with drug users is pretty terrible which part of why I read broader on the topic as part of wanting to learn what's written on supporting and helping to prevent more children like I was who are often left adrift professionals talking about my behavioural problems like my parents deserved to have a kid like me certainly wasn't the answer.

Bangolads · 26/05/2021 23:07

Most of the individuals here clearly don’t know many young people in London (or middle aged people for that matter.). It’s very normal. That doesn’t mean, right healthy or sensible but it is normal. Yes there are risks but if you’ve never taken drugs or aren’t familiar with how they work you’re going to react much like the people on this thread, with hysterical ignorance. Being laid back is 100% the best approach (obviously- she’s 27) but gently reminding her to take it easy on all levels seems appropriate.

PetuniaPot · 26/05/2021 23:15

Hysterical again.Hmm

Viviennemary · 26/05/2021 23:17

I've never known anybody who takes cocaine. I mustn't know any normal folk. Confused

Tealightsandd · 26/05/2021 23:17

It's very normal for some people in London. Of course it is. In a city of 9 million people, some will do what some others do across the UK. That doesn't make it normal for London - whatever the person's age.

What is very normal for London, however, is young people losing their lives to drug gang violence.

NewPanDrawer · 26/05/2021 23:36

@Ginger1982

How typical that the OP hasn't returned...
To be fair the thread has veered massively off-topic into frothing and attempts to mollify frothers! Signal-to-noise ratio: very low.
thelonghaul · 26/05/2021 23:37

I don't think it's great and would be worried, particularly about the associated dangers this might put her in. Having said that, @Kapalika makes a fair point about alcohol use. It's also a drug, one that is regularly abused by a large percentage of the population, let along young professionals. However, nobody would blink if the Ops daughter said she was going out a drinking occasionally. Ok. I get that only one is illegal but nevertheless drink is actively encouraged by many while other drugs cause shock and concern.

Localocal · 26/05/2021 23:41

I don't see what you can do about it. She's a grown woman. If you get on her case about it she will just push you away.

Pmspiers7 · 26/05/2021 23:48

You have done a brilliant job of being a mum and being there and your daughter knows that and that’s why she has told you this because you won’t judge and hopefully because you know she won’t have a problem because if she does she knows she can talk to you and you will support her unlike some people think their children wouldn’t do that. Well done for raising your daughter so she can talk to you

PrincessAnnaOfArundale · 26/05/2021 23:59

I find it pretty shocking the number of people who say ‘we all did it at that age’.... No WE really didn’t. And you can ignore the ethical issues about coke as much as you like but that doesn’t mean that your daughter isn’t contributing to a massive problem.

I’ve never taken any drugs but been around people smoking weed but that’s about it. To assume that it’s ‘normal’ is really quite inaccurate. I went pff to uni and loved on campus, moved to cities and worked some pretty intense jobs. None of my friends or family have ever taken anything like those drugs you are talking about. A few have smoked a bit of weed and that’s about it. I really don’t think it’s the majority of young people put in the city shoving coke up their noses and your daughter is misleading you if she says it is.

It’s a massive concern. At any moment, one bad hit and she could so easily die. I would be very worried thinking about my kids going and buying the stuff too. There are dangerous people associated with this stuff and it’s not ok.

PrincessAnnaOfArundale · 27/05/2021 00:00

Sorry for typos ‘off to uni and lived on campus’ but you get the idea

stevalnamechanger · 27/05/2021 00:00

Very normal in advertising , finance , estate agency , medicine , recruitment , sales ...

I know lots of young professionals who recreationally do coke - yes medics even 😅😅

stevalnamechanger · 27/05/2021 00:01

@PrincessAnnaOfArundale

I find it pretty shocking the number of people who say ‘we all did it at that age’.... No WE really didn’t. And you can ignore the ethical issues about coke as much as you like but that doesn’t mean that your daughter isn’t contributing to a massive problem.

I’ve never taken any drugs but been around people smoking weed but that’s about it. To assume that it’s ‘normal’ is really quite inaccurate. I went pff to uni and loved on campus, moved to cities and worked some pretty intense jobs. None of my friends or family have ever taken anything like those drugs you are talking about. A few have smoked a bit of weed and that’s about it. I really don’t think it’s the majority of young people put in the city shoving coke up their noses and your daughter is misleading you if she says it is.

It’s a massive concern. At any moment, one bad hit and she could so easily die. I would be very worried thinking about my kids going and buying the stuff too. There are dangerous people associated with this stuff and it’s not ok.

They probably just don't do it around you
AnnieSnap · 27/05/2021 00:21

I’d make two points.

  1. Recreational use of Cannabis, Cocaine & Ectasy is common and most people don’t run into problems with it.
  1. Your daughter is 27. You can’t control what she does. A parent getting worked-up and trying to influence something that this in a adult child of this age can only have a detrimental effect on the relationship.

In my opinion, you are not being unreasonable. What does your husband think you should have done? 🤷‍♀️

LizzieW1969 · 27/05/2021 00:31

I've never known anybody who takes cocaine. I mustn't know any normal folk.

Lol, same here. Despite doing two degrees in London and living and working there for some years. This included a couple of years working for an immigration law firm with trendy young professionals.

It’s possible that they hid their drug use from me, but I don’t recall it coming up in conversation particularly despite me going on nights out with them and enjoying a few drinks. (I know, alcohol can be as damaging, but the difference is that at this point in time it’s legal whereas recreational drug use isn’t.)

I still wouldn’t even know how to go about accessing illegal drugs.

Nohugstoday25 · 27/05/2021 00:58

I am 29 and in the city and have never touched a drug and neither have any of my circle not normal
Here 🤣

blueleonburger · 27/05/2021 00:58

I wouldn't worry OP she's an adult and can do what she likes.

MissTrip82 · 27/05/2021 01:42

Pretty normal.

Less normal for me to have to manage them in ED/ICU but a massive waste of resources when I do.

Overall less damage than alcohol and if she’s fine with the terrible ethics of cocaine.....well tbh that’d disturb me more than illegal drug use. That’s where you’ve gone wrong.

Harmonypuss · 27/05/2021 03:23

I'm certainly not going to read all 38 pages of responses but I was extremely concerned that I had to get to the very last reply on page 1 before anyone mentioned that this drug taking is not only extremely risky for one's health but more importantly TOTALLY ILLEGAL!

If it came to my attention that ANYONE I knew was taking illicit drugs is be reporting them, and yes, I did say ANYONE which would include my own flesh and blood!

subbysammiexoxo · 27/05/2021 03:56

I'm 22 and a professional in London it's absolutely not normal, if she says it's casual she is in denial those people are always doing it

Crikeycroc · 27/05/2021 04:03

Using coke or MDMA sometimes on a night out is super common in your twenties, at least amongst all the people I have known. The vast majority of my friends parents would have had absolutely no idea what their adult child was up to.

No one from my social circle has become an illicit drug addict in their thirties. In fact, I would say alcohol has been the most harmful drug as a few have struggled to control their drinking/become binge alcoholics.

Coolandclamy · 27/05/2021 04:44

Sorry not normal in my circle.

JSL52 · 27/05/2021 06:16

Not normal no.
But you could congratulate her and her idiot friends on keeping vulnerable teenagers employed as dealers.

bjjgirl · 27/05/2021 06:21

Children as young as 9 are being forced to transport these drugs in bundles up their arse, kidnapped and transported to flats of addicts and forced to deal in areas hundreds of miles away from home, to keep your child in the habit she enjoys

The street violence / knife crime is all connected to the gang / drug supply business

She needs to be made aware it's not just her health she's putting at risk

BananaBoatFeet · 27/05/2021 06:21

I suspect the OP didn’t return because people saw through her attempts to make the rest of us not very good parents who’s adult children don’t confide in them.