To not be concerned about DDs occasional drug use?

[saltyskies8]

DD is 27, living in the city as a single professional and has a fantastic social life (in normal times!). We are very close and have the sort of relationship where she feels able to tell me about most things I'd say. Since moving to the city for work a couple of years ago, she's openly told me that her and her friends will occasionally use cocaine or MDMA on nights out or in and that it's very much normal amongst everyone she knows there. DD is otherwise very fit and healthy and personally, I see her drug use as entirely normal for someone of her age group who is young, single and enjoying life in the city.

DH and I got talking last night after watching a series on bbc3 about drug use and I mentioned DDs recreational drug use, which he was not previously aware of. DH is highly concerned and has accused me of being irresponsible for not being concerned about her health and advising she seeks help. I explained my view that most people in their 20s living in the city are doing this and he believes I'm completely deluded and DD has a problem.

I'm genuinely interested to know others thoughts on this? AIBU in not being worried about drug use at this stage in DDs life?

FYI I completely appreciate there are ethical issues in terms of gang crime, county lines etc. but DD and her friends are already well aware of this and I'd rather focus on the health aspect of this for the purpose of this thread :)

I think you’re incredibly naive. I’m in my 20s and can comfortably say none of my friends/siblings/partners friendship group and quite a few acquaintances, have dabbled with drugs. There’s the odd one whose tried weed but that’s it. It’s not normal to be using those kind of recreational drugs in your 20s or any age. She’s spun you a right old tale. I’m with your DH I’d be very concerned

I didn’t touch drugs in teens or twenties despite many friends doing so. I was happy with the buzz of alcohol. In my 30s mixing with new friendship group I tried cocaine with them. Only a couple of times. It made hangovers horrendous because you drink more so I stopped. However I’d say your daughter needs to consider the mind alterations these drugs can cause. Despite only using a couple of times I can attribute a change in my mental health & how I was previously a “happy drunk” when out. I find I’m now easily angered or tearful when drunk. I do reflect back to whether the odd times using cocaine have caused this.

[quote EYProvider]@BiBabbles

Sorry if you don’t like my language, but I am telling you straight - children whose parents take drugs have behavioural problems. I’ve sat through enough child protection meetings to be sure of this.[/quote]
This is transparent nonsense, which brings into question your judgment. All you can say based upon those meetings is that (some) children with behavioural problems have parents who take drugs. Equally (some) children with behavioural problems have parents who are divorced. To extrapolate and say that all people who take drugs (or who are divorced) have children with behavioural problems is ridiculous, offensive, and I think serves only to embarrass other finger waggers!

@Blossomtoes - That’s right. A lot of them go under the radar. Also, social services are too overwhelmed to deal with everyone, so a lot of cases involving kids with chaotic lives are signed over to family support.

It’s not always obvious what is causing a 2 or 3 year old to have behavioural problems and most of the time it’s assumed they might be autistic. But when family support get involved, the full picture emerges.

Maybe there are kids who are not affected by their parent’s drug use. Most kids are.

A family member recently died at the age of 29 after using heroin since the age of 14. Everyone who knew about it (mum, dad, sisters) thought it was just an occasional habit with cocaine & a joint at parties. She was sacked from her job for stealing to fund her habit. The person we thought she was just didn't exist. It's very sad.

Well it may be normal in her surroundings but that doesn't mean it's not a worry. In fact being normalised among her friends and therefore socially acceptable and encouraged makes it even more of a worry. I guarantee for at least one of your DD's friends and acquaintances it will stop being occasional and social and will become something a lot worse. The problem is you can never predict who that will happen to. It could be your DD. First a bit of fun, then a crutch, then something you need to function.

My 3 older children have all taken drugs to varying degrees. All are responsible in good jobs and relationships. I don't encourage it but I would prefer they talked to me and I was aware of the facts of their lives. Certainly makes it easier to help if things ever get out of hand.

I did it throughout my 20s and 30s, right up until I fell pregnant with Dd. I have such good memories of all the good times me and my mates had back then.

I’d also like to add that a lot of the arguments used against drugs also apply to alcohol but the only difference is it’s legal and regulated.
It’s addictive, too much can destroy your health, makes you partake in risky behaviour, can ruin your life and those around you. All of which I know from bitter experience of having friends and family who are alcoholics, incidentally I know more lives ruined by alcohol then drugs. Even those who I know did and do partake in drug use. I know one person ruined by drugs, 8 by alcohol. I have wondered if it was easier to get drunk then drugs but that doesn’t seem to be a factor. I’ve also seen far more children damaged by fetal alcohol syndrome then drugs.
All applies to alcohol too. Do all those that use these arguments avoid alcohol and prohibit their children from drinking?
Obviously this is just my experience but no one reacts to alcohol with the same alarm as drugs and it makes me wonder is it the illegality of drugs that spark this reaction and would it be so strong if they weren’t illegal or at least decriminalised.

I think it’s great that you have the sort of relationship that she can tell you these things. She trusts you. But in the end of the day she is an adult and makes her own decisions. Don’t spoil the fact that she tells you stuff by kicking off.

@EYProvider
You carry on telling yourself that if it makes you feel better.

It really does!

I did it loads in my twenties too and it was totally normal among my group of friends. If you reprimand her she won't stop doing it, she'll just stop telling you about it.

I’m with your DH on this one

Obviously its her choice, but as a parent I could not be so flippant about drug use. You are very naive about the situation. Most parents would be horrified.

I did try stuff at uni and all through my 20s. Mostly at big nights out and raves so maybe 3-4 times a year. It was very common in my social circle. But people are different - I always knew my limits and was very measured/how much i took. So I don't judge people taking it. I've stopped now as dating a police officer in vice has made me much conscious of the violence associated with it and I can't in good conscience do it just for fun anymore

Honestly though, if I had a child I'd probably prefer that they didn't take it because there's always a worry they could OD or get addicted - everyone reacts to it differently. Also knowing how many bad batches of stuff there can be - I'd certainly worry.

@EYProvider

Druggies are terrible parents and that includes occasional drug users.

Ask any adult whose parent took drugs what it is like being the child of a druggie.

Of course, the OP’s daughter is an adult and can do what she likes. Who cares if she takes drugs? Evidently not her own mother, which is very sad. But if she has children of her own, neither she nor her mother should kid themselves that those children will be unaffected. Children of drug users - like all traumatised children - have behavioural problems, and those problems present as SEN.

I don’t have to argue about that on here - I know it to be a fact.

my parents have taken drugs and I have taken drugs. We have strong history of neurodiversity in the family. Is that what you mean? People with adhd etc are statistically more likely to experiment with drugs and to struggle at school, that can be genetic. If the adhd parent doesnt take drugs, it doesnt mean their children wont struggle at school. Maybe you need to learn more about the difference between correlation and causation.

I think you sound quite nasty about the families you apparently work with

Maybe there are kids who are not affected by their parent’s drug use. Most kids are

You’re basing that on absolutely no evidence. There are plenty of children with behavioural problems whose parents have never touched drugs. It’s just anecdotal bollocks.

Sorry...maybe read Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes. It is illegal, dangerous and can result in vulnerability to abuse. MDMA can also also cause death. I lived the high life in London in my twenties but didn't need to do drugs. Apart from not wanting to use dangerous substances, I also knew it screws you up and would mean instant dismissal from a job. Your daughter has an expensive addiction. You need to see it for what it is and help her realise that there's nothing normal about it! The claim that it's part of the job/lifestyle/friendship group may seem true but not for actual professionals who want a career!

I can’t ever imagine condoning drug taking of any form. EVER! I don’t go out with certain friends (mums who have to get up with kids the next day) because I don’t think it’s right. They do it only “socially” but it turns them in to people I don’t like.

I’ve addicts in the family...it’s ruined lives and relationships.

Open or not should any of my kids said they’d tried any I’d openly tell them I don’t agree with it, how dangerous it is and HOPE they’d see sense. I definitely don’t agree with essentially saying “oh right so others do so you must too, ok”

ONE bad sniff/hit of anything could kill and that’s what I’d stand by.

I actually feel sorry for you knowing because I’d be a worried wreck :(

i see her use as entirely normal,you say, so here hoping she doesn't move on to worse stuff, sorry but you are totally deluded,speaking as someone who waited for the phone call that happily never came,but it was seriously close. my nephew took his family to hell,& my brother
came close to taking his own life because of him. take heed

People may think “it’s not the end of the world” however, 50 years ago, as a teenager I was using drugs, weed, lsd, speed, luckily I got myself disentangled from the crowd, however one of my friends went on to commit suicide, another ended up in a secure unit, both connected with drug taking. I was lucky

FYI I completely appreciate there are ethical issues in terms of gang crime, county lines etc. but DD and her friends are already well aware of this and I'd rather focus on the health aspect of this for the purpose of this thread smile

That's lovely for you and her - but not so smiley and happy for the people who suffer the consequences of people like her treating every aspect of the city as a playground. Never any thought or consideration for the permanent residents of cities. People like your dd get to go home once they've had enough. They don't have to live amongst the consequences of her drug taking. The gang violence - the stabbings, the shootings.

I’m in my 20s and I have never touched any drugs, nothing! I’ve had to google what MDMA is. I’m obviously very naive.

It’s such a tricky one. I have the best memories of taking drugs and partying in my twenties. I stopped mid thirties when I became pregnant with my DD. I wouldn’t change my past at all and feel lucky to have had such brilliant experiences. Alcohol has been a much worse drug for me and has led me into dangerous situations and caused me to have had bad accidents. I have now given up alcohol as well. My life and career has turned out well and I don’t believe the drugs had any negative affect on me. But, there are people who become addicted to coke or find chemicals like MDMA can trigger mental health issues. I do have old friends who haven’t fared so well. I would never encourage my DD to do them but if she told me she did at 27 years old, I would just give her advice as to how to stay safe. My Mum telling me to stop at that age would not have made a blind bit of difference.