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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- my husband is being a hypocrite regarding access to eachother's phones and bank accounts

245 replies

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 25/05/2021 10:22

Hello, I'm hoping to get some opinions on this situation with my husband as it is causing some problems and I can't tell if I am being unreasonable or not...

My husband and I have a joint credit card. It's in his name, but I am a card holder and I have my own card in my name so we both use the account to buy things for the house and children. It's usually used only for big purchases or where the credit card protection is needed.

However, Nationwide only allow one person to have access to the online banking for this card to pay the bill, and this ended up being my husband when the card was taken out years ago.

My husband has a bad track record for paying the credit card bill, and just this last month has forgotten to pay it again, so we have been charged a late payment fee again, which we can't afford!

After the last time this happened (4th or 5th time) I got upset and asked for access to the bank account so I could ensure it was paid each month. He refused, saying that in order to do that I would have to have access to all his bank accounts (all our accounts are with the same bank, so when he logs into his account to pay the bill, all his other accounts are visible). He thinks this is unfair as he 'deserves financial privacy'.

We need a credit card, and I can't cancel this one as it's in his name, but he keeps forgetting to pay it and we are charged everytime!

I spoke to Nationwide about me having my own credit card, and they cautioned against it as we are renewing our mortgage soon and it wouldn't look good to take out another credit card. Also, they said all the late payment fees don't look good for a mortgage application either.

This argument ended a few nights ago, with neither of us happy. However, I woke up this morning to find him using my phone. He hadn't asked my permission (there wasn't a password on it, as it is a new phone, but I have now rectified this). He couldn't understand why I was angry that he felt he was entitled to use my phone, and yet I'm not allowed access to a bank account that we both use?

I think he's being unfair and a hypocrite and now we are not talking.

AIBU to be really bloody annoyed about the credit card and the phone?

OP posts:
MamaWeasel · 25/05/2021 15:29

What a fuss.

Can't YOU keep an eye on the joint bank account to see when he pays the ccard bill? Presumably you know what date the bill comes in.

If you each have equal spends each month, as many people do, then the late fee charges should come out of his money, not house money.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 25/05/2021 15:32

And if someone is going to spend money on booze or coke or prostitutes or the horses, they're probably going to find a way to do it, and they're going to do it because they're a liar/cheater/addict, not because their spouse didn't have full oversight of every penny of their personal spends.

Also one simple practical reason why DH doesn't have access to my personal account - that's where I buy his birthday and Christmas presents from.

ThatChristinaAguileraSong · 25/05/2021 15:34

I have a Nationwide credit card. You can request that they set up to pay the minimum amount automatically when it's due so you'll never accidentally miss a payment and be charged. Problem solved.

cosima8 · 25/05/2021 15:38

So the “personal allowances” thing is about avoiding criticism and judgement from the other about personal spending habits?

I can sort of see that. But why not just be less judge about each other? Why not just accept, when you get married, that differences in spending habits are inevitable? Of course they are. I mean if someone is a total spendaholic or has a gambling addiction or similar, that’s different and you may need to limit their access to funds for their own safety. But, this aside, why not just have the trust to live and let live? Accept you will both spend differently but it doesn’t matter. Respect each other enough to just think, “Well if he/she bought that they clearly deemed it necessary (even if I don’t) and that is their prerogative and I would expect the same respect in return.” Because ultimately, all the money comes from the same place and goes the same way and there no such thing as “my” money and “your” money in the eyes of the law.

shouldistop · 25/05/2021 15:42

I don't understand why you wouldn't just set up a direct debit. I wouldn't want my dh having full access to all of my bank accounts even though we share family money.
What did he need to use your phone for?

BarbaraofSeville · 25/05/2021 15:45

There's lots of advantages of having personal allowances. If you're the type of person who sees money in a current account and thinks they can spend it, it stops you spending the mortgage money or whatever if you separate out the allowances.

Or it stops one partner spending all the allowance money on themselves. Or if one person wants lots of little treats and the other prefers to save up for something big you can accommodate that too. Or you can use the money to buy your partner a gift without spoiling the surprise.

In our relationship, one of us is a spender and one of us is a saver. We've done the 'personal allowance' method for around 10-12 years now and the net result is that the spender has some nice stuff but no savings and the saver has over £30k in premium bonds, all accumulated due to a seemly small difference in spending habits, that the other partner doesn't know about. Now I'm sure Mumsnet would have quite a lot to say about that Smile.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 25/05/2021 15:46

why not just have the trust to live and let live? Accept you will both spend differently but it doesn’t matter

That's sort of where the whole "privacy" thing comes in. Because we trust each other and because it doesn't matter. Trust is sort of by definition not trust if you have to know and prove everything. And because it's a lot simpler just to trust each other and not know because it doesn't matter than to make an effort to find out and then have to do some elaborate talking myself out of opinions I didn't need to have in the first place.

If you want full transparency over every penny and so does your partner, crack on. But you also need to accept that there are plenty of legitimate reasons someone might want to have their own mental and financial space beyond "they're up to something!!!!"

UserAtRandom · 25/05/2021 15:47

So the “personal allowances” thing is about avoiding criticism and judgement from the other about personal spending habits?

DH spends a lot of money on tech things that I think are unnecessary. If he wanted to spend joint account money on them I would object because I can't see the point of them and I think joint money is better spent on other things.
So we have a system where we both have "personal" money. It doesn't affect the family pot, and he can spend the money on whatever he wants. Perhaps we should have stuck to a joint account and I should be less judgemental and critical, but we find this way provides more family harmony.

cosima8 · 25/05/2021 15:48

What are all these “purchases that must not be seen by husbands” that people are buying from their personal accounts?

I mean if you need to splash out on something one week, just do that? No questions or explanations should be needed as long as you’re not going crazy all the time. As long as you’re generally living within your means, it will all balance out in the long run. I couldn’t give a hoot what DH buys. I’m not his keeper. If he bought it, he must have wanted it and that’s that.,

skodadoda · 25/05/2021 15:50

@UserAtRandom

Two issues here. I think it's fair enough that DH doesn't want you to see his personal account. If the issue is just the credit card not being paid, then just get him to set up a direct debit and then no one needs to think about it.

I don't think adults should look at each others' phones unless this is something that you've agreed is acceptable within your relationship.
So if it's not acceptable to you, you need to make this clear.

You do need ‘to think about it’. You should check your online accounts at least once a week, if not daily. That way you can be quickly onto any mistakes or fraudulent activity. OP and DH need to take a more proactive interest in their finances.
cosima8 · 25/05/2021 15:51

Obviously DH and I spend money in totally different things and in different ways. He buys loads of stuff like bikes, even cars and whatever I have no interest in and don’t want. But I make more frequent purchases on things that are important to me. Totally different spending patterns but we don’t care and it probably evens out over the long term.

BillMasen · 25/05/2021 15:52

@BarbaraofSeville

There's lots of advantages of having personal allowances. If you're the type of person who sees money in a current account and thinks they can spend it, it stops you spending the mortgage money or whatever if you separate out the allowances.

Or it stops one partner spending all the allowance money on themselves. Or if one person wants lots of little treats and the other prefers to save up for something big you can accommodate that too. Or you can use the money to buy your partner a gift without spoiling the surprise.

In our relationship, one of us is a spender and one of us is a saver. We've done the 'personal allowance' method for around 10-12 years now and the net result is that the spender has some nice stuff but no savings and the saver has over £30k in premium bonds, all accumulated due to a seemly small difference in spending habits, that the other partner doesn't know about. Now I'm sure Mumsnet would have quite a lot to say about that Smile.

I think mn would have a massive issue with that if it were one way round and less so the other. You (wisely) haven’t said...
BarbaraofSeville · 25/05/2021 15:55

But why would it matter? We've both had the same amount of money to do exactly what we wanted with. One of us spent it, the other didn't because they simply didn't want anything - well they did and they bought it, they just didn't want as much as the other one.

UserAtRandom · 25/05/2021 15:55

@cosima8

What are all these “purchases that must not be seen by husbands” that people are buying from their personal accounts?

I mean if you need to splash out on something one week, just do that? No questions or explanations should be needed as long as you’re not going crazy all the time. As long as you’re generally living within your means, it will all balance out in the long run. I couldn’t give a hoot what DH buys. I’m not his keeper. If he bought it, he must have wanted it and that’s that.,

I think this only works if you have similar spending habits and ideas.

DH is a spender and I'm a saver. My idea of "going crazy" is rather different to his. He also tends to make smaller frequent purchases whereas I might buy nothing for months and then buy a single more expensive item. We simply wouldn't have the money for me to do this if we worked off one account, as DH would have the attitude that if the money was there it could be spent so we'd never build up enough for a bigger item.

2020Diary · 25/05/2021 15:57

My DH and I both bank with Nationwide. We have a joint account and a personal account each. When I use Internet banking I can only see (and access) the joint account and my personal account. I can't see his personal account and he can't see mine but he can see the joint account too.
So this could be a non eissue . I think you should be able to apply for your own Internet banking access.

cosima8 · 25/05/2021 15:58

Barbara - but what is the plan for these premium bonds in the future? Will the person who has then just use the money on themselves and say “bugger off, you spent yours.” Grin. Also, if you split, would these not be considered joint assets anyway?

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 25/05/2021 15:59

I think that's perfectly reasonable, @BarbaraofSeville. One has made different choices from the other. Should you and your I'm sure DH split, those assets would have to go in the pot for division, but otherwise they are the accumulator's to do with as they will. And, should the accumulator ever be in trouble and need access to funds and there be some kind of problem with joint ones, there they are.

I would say this whatever the sex of the accumulator, assuming finances are otherwise split and shared in a fair way.

cosima8 · 25/05/2021 16:01

“DH would have the attitude that if the money was there it could be spent so we'd never build up enough for a bigger item.”

Oh I see. I can understand that. Do you not think he would learn over time though - eg if he’s spends everything simply because it’s there, this is going to really piss you off imminently, so he just learns to preempt this and check himself / adapt a bit?

Notaroadrunner · 25/05/2021 16:03

We have a similar set up. Card is in Dh's name therefore if he logs on I'd see all his bank balancces. I wouldn't ask to see them. I'd ask if he can log on and bring up the credit card account on screen so I can check what I have spent on it. I'd never ask him for his online banking details so that I could log in. Why not just set a reminder once a week to get him to log in and bring up the credit card spending on screen. That way you don't need to see his other accounts.
As for the phone - what was he using it for? Was he checking your messages?

notanothertakeaway · 25/05/2021 16:07

@Ozanj

Contact Nationwide (email the CEO, Joe Garner) and tell him you have concerns. It is absolutely ridiculous that they have you as a cardholder, your DH’s poor track record is affecting your credit history, but won’t allow you to log in to manage it.

Make it clear if they won’t fix it that you want your name off the card, and the late payments off your credit history (they can do this).

@Ozanj

The account is in the name of her DH, not OP. It would be completely inappropriate for Nationwide to communicate with the OP, due to data protection legislation

notanothertakeaway · 25/05/2021 16:09

@BronwenFrideswide

I seem to be an oddity on MN. Husband and I both have full access to each other's bank accounts, phones, e-mail, everything. Firstly because we trust one another, are a partnership and have nothing to hide and secondly because we both know through experience how life can suddenly change and how you can be completely stuffed if you don't have access to those things.

I tend to manage the finances and admin but we are both aware of what's coming in and going out because we talk to each other and make decisions together.

@BronwenFrideswide

I hope all your friends know that you share info with your DH. I'd be really upset if I sent a private email to my friend and her DH read it

Notaroadrunner · 25/05/2021 16:12

@2020Diary

My DH and I both bank with Nationwide. We have a joint account and a personal account each. When I use Internet banking I can only see (and access) the joint account and my personal account. I can't see his personal account and he can't see mine but he can see the joint account too. So this could be a non eissue . I think you should be able to apply for your own Internet banking access.
She has her own internet banking. She just doesn't have access to the credit card as it's in her Dh's name. She is just a cardholder and as such doesn't have a right to log in to that particular account.
JokeTheCoalman · 25/05/2021 16:14

@BillMasen

Have I stumbled into some parallel universe where any man who wants his personal bank account to remain private is clearly in debt, gambling, using prostitues and a controlling abuser!

Literally every thread on here about finances contains advice fr the woman to have her own account (in addition to any joint ones) which is private.

His want for privacy is fine. Actually it’s great. Sort out the cc problem yes but him wanting privacy is not controlling, or hypocritical.

Ffs some posters on this site are ridiculous

I think turning this in to a man Vs woman thing is clouding your judgement. The op's husband is behaving irresponsibly by not coming up with some sort of solution- he doesn't need to allow access to his personal account...but he could cooperate and get paper statement for the credit card. The question is why isn't he doing this? That behaviour in itself is controlling and could raise suspicions, not the need to have privacy for his personal account.
dementedpixie · 25/05/2021 16:15

@2020Diary

My DH and I both bank with Nationwide. We have a joint account and a personal account each. When I use Internet banking I can only see (and access) the joint account and my personal account. I can't see his personal account and he can't see mine but he can see the joint account too. So this could be a non eissue . I think you should be able to apply for your own Internet banking access.
OP wouldn't be able to see the credit card on her online banking as the principle card holder is her dh and she is an additional card holder. Only the principle cardholder can access the details.
Devlesko · 25/05/2021 16:19

Sounds fishy to me.
I think you should prepare yourself for lots of debt, why else couldn't you see it.
He's bad with money, I wouldn't trust him with any, for a minute.
You wouldn't see his personal account on a credit card statement anyway.
He's lying OP, very sorry Thanks