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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- my husband is being a hypocrite regarding access to eachother's phones and bank accounts

245 replies

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 25/05/2021 10:22

Hello, I'm hoping to get some opinions on this situation with my husband as it is causing some problems and I can't tell if I am being unreasonable or not...

My husband and I have a joint credit card. It's in his name, but I am a card holder and I have my own card in my name so we both use the account to buy things for the house and children. It's usually used only for big purchases or where the credit card protection is needed.

However, Nationwide only allow one person to have access to the online banking for this card to pay the bill, and this ended up being my husband when the card was taken out years ago.

My husband has a bad track record for paying the credit card bill, and just this last month has forgotten to pay it again, so we have been charged a late payment fee again, which we can't afford!

After the last time this happened (4th or 5th time) I got upset and asked for access to the bank account so I could ensure it was paid each month. He refused, saying that in order to do that I would have to have access to all his bank accounts (all our accounts are with the same bank, so when he logs into his account to pay the bill, all his other accounts are visible). He thinks this is unfair as he 'deserves financial privacy'.

We need a credit card, and I can't cancel this one as it's in his name, but he keeps forgetting to pay it and we are charged everytime!

I spoke to Nationwide about me having my own credit card, and they cautioned against it as we are renewing our mortgage soon and it wouldn't look good to take out another credit card. Also, they said all the late payment fees don't look good for a mortgage application either.

This argument ended a few nights ago, with neither of us happy. However, I woke up this morning to find him using my phone. He hadn't asked my permission (there wasn't a password on it, as it is a new phone, but I have now rectified this). He couldn't understand why I was angry that he felt he was entitled to use my phone, and yet I'm not allowed access to a bank account that we both use?

I think he's being unfair and a hypocrite and now we are not talking.

AIBU to be really bloody annoyed about the credit card and the phone?

OP posts:
MotherofTerriers · 25/05/2021 16:24

Tread carefully OP - my joint credit card with my ex husband was online, and quite often he missed a payment or my card was declined. He always said he'd deal with it, my card must have been scratched, all sorts of excuses which seemed credible at the time
He was hiding a lot of debt and a lot of payments he didn't want me to know about

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 25/05/2021 16:27

@Looksabitbig

I was bad for forgetting to pay credit card. You need to set up a direct debit to pay off the minimum each month. That I think I did through the credit card (as the minimum amount varies obviously). This then means a small amount is guaranteed to be paid off each month; and you can pay more if you have it obviously. That doesn't address your other concerns but it's a quick fix for the fees.
This is exactly what I was going to say. Direct debit for the minimum amount. My Nationwide card has a £25 minimum payment so it’s never a large sum to come out as a direct debit if I’ve forgotten to pay and it avoids the late payment fees (not the extra interest though!)
dementedpixie · 25/05/2021 16:28

@Devlesko

Sounds fishy to me. I think you should prepare yourself for lots of debt, why else couldn't you see it. He's bad with money, I wouldn't trust him with any, for a minute. You wouldn't see his personal account on a credit card statement anyway. He's lying OP, very sorry Thanks
He's not lying as such. If OP uses his log on details for Nationwide it will bring up his personal account details as well as the credit card.
leftout1 · 25/05/2021 16:31

He's either hiding :

Debt(s) you don't know about

Savings you don't know about

A larger salary than you think he gets

Subscriptions to dodgy websites (porn/adult friend finder/only fans etc)

Buying things or services, of which you wouldn't approve

Otherwise, what's the problem?

BillMasen · 25/05/2021 16:33

@leftout1

He's either hiding :

Debt(s) you don't know about

Savings you don't know about

A larger salary than you think he gets

Subscriptions to dodgy websites (porn/adult friend finder/only fans etc)

Buying things or services, of which you wouldn't approve

Otherwise, what's the problem?

Fucks sake
Devlesko · 25/05/2021 16:33

@MotherofTerriers

Tread carefully OP - my joint credit card with my ex husband was online, and quite often he missed a payment or my card was declined. He always said he'd deal with it, my card must have been scratched, all sorts of excuses which seemed credible at the time He was hiding a lot of debt and a lot of payments he didn't want me to know about
This is what I thought too, but maybe that's because me and dh have always been able to access any account we want. But it does happen to so many people, that I would be suspicious.

So sorry you've been through that MotherofTerriers

BillMasen · 25/05/2021 16:37

@JokeTheCoalman I take your point but my observation is more about the number of posters deciding privacy=wrongdoing who I suspect would not say the same about a woman poster wanting privacy

I don’t suspect, I’m pretty sure...

cosima8 · 25/05/2021 16:38

“He's either hiding :

Debt(s) you don't know about

Savings you don't know about

A larger salary than you think he gets

Subscriptions to dodgy websites (porn/adult friend finder/only fans etc)

Buying things or services, of which you wouldn't approve

Otherwise, what's the problem?”

Exactly this. What is the problem? He can share his DNA with you to create children, but won’t share his bank account! Utter madness. What is he hiding / embarrassed about? Because it’s something.

HappydaysArehere · 25/05/2021 16:40

This would really upset me. He might be hiding something so you can’t criticise his spending or he just has some outdated idea that he should be in charge of the finances as he earns it. Either way you need to sit down and have a serious discussion. It shouldn’t be heated but calm and explain the situation is upsetting you. I know all marriages are different but where money is concerned both partners should be fully aware of the financial situation and should be completely open about it.How long have you been married? If not long perhaps it is just that he can’t get used to a married way of behaviour.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 25/05/2021 17:16

How about doing a balance transfer to a new CC at a separate bank that you can manage? I can't see how he could object to that. As to the other bills keep sending him links to every good deal you see.

Nanny0gg · 25/05/2021 17:28

@FridayNightAtTheBronze

UnkindlyMay

The problem is that his errors are penalising both of you for something you have no control over. That’s deeply unfair. Can’t he see that?

This sums up exactly how I feel. And no, he can't see that.

So are you going to set up the DD?
Lennon80 · 25/05/2021 18:43

Totally agree with this

‘Financial privacy indeed! He is a married man with children... I’m afraid that ship sailed long ago.

People who need this kind of financial secrecy in a marriage are ALWAYS troubled personalities. There will be some entrenched insecurity - either that or he’s up to something dodgy. I could not abide this type of husband for two seconds. He has a wife at home looking after his children for god’s sake, yet he still feels the need to siphon off “his” money and keep you in the dark. Financial abuse in its most stark form. He is an utter disgrace. I’m so sorry.‘

Women are not men and men are far more likely to be spending money on pay for porn etc

LittleOwl153 · 25/05/2021 18:52

Your answer here is to set up a new credit card in a bank other than nationwide. It doesn't matter then whose name it is in as it won't be connected with any other account - so one banking would not involve any other account. If your husband refuses to do this then I would say he is hiding something in his use of the credit card in addition to whatever secrets his bank account hides.

Clearly in the phone sense he is wrong to invade your privacy if he doesn't allow the same - so I'm glad to see you resolved that by adding a lock.

MarshmallowSwede · 25/05/2021 18:56

Financial privacy? In a marriage? I thought everything was shared in a marriage. I don’t get married people who have these ideas about financial privacy like they are single. If you don’t want your spouse looking at your finances then don’t get married.

God forbid he gets sick.. you don’t even know how to access your own finances.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 25/05/2021 18:59

He's not asking for privacy of all finances. OP has access to the joint account from which joint bills are paid.

He's saying he doesn't want her to have full access to his personal account. He may or may not be up to something, but I think as a general principle it's fine for a person's individual, personal spends and account to be private.

Tal45 · 25/05/2021 19:00

I'd want to know why he feels he needs financial privacy. I'd be really worried about that.

SuperstoreFan · 25/05/2021 20:14

None of you of you would tell a woman that she wasn't entitled to keep her personal bank account private.

TheVampiresWife · 25/05/2021 20:37

I pay all the bills, do all the online banking etc at DH's request BUT it's all from his bank account. We've been together for almost 20 years but he still won't let us have a joint account. For him it's not about 'financial privacy', clearly, so I don't know what it is. He's the only earner (I'm disabled and have no income). I hate using his bank card in shops but he point blank refuses to let me have one of my own.

Although our situations aren't really that similar OP I totally understand your frustration/unease.

MarshmallowSwede · 25/05/2021 20:38

I would absolutely say the same thing to a woman.

How can you be married but want to keep things apart? If you can’t even trust your partner with money or seeing your bank account, how can you parent with them? He won’t let you see his bank account but he trusts you to raise his kids? I just don’t get this attitude.

There is no mine or yours.. it’s ours. Everything is supposed to be shared in marriage. I get that some couples keep finances separate, but this wouldn’t work in my house.

To each his own, but it’s a strange way to deal with finances in a relationship where you have joined your lives together to make a family unit.

BronwenFrideswide · 25/05/2021 23:33

@notanothertakeaway

Strange reaction, as I responded previously we do have privacy but if the need arises we both have access to one another's phones, email, bank details etc.

sbhydrogen · 25/05/2021 23:42

Can you set up a direct debit from your account to pay off the minimum on the credit card so he doesn't make your mortgage application difficult further down the line?

I can understand wanting to keep a bank account private, but he seems pretty ridiculous. Why is he so annoyed about it, as he's the one who's financially incompetent.

ToDoListAddict · 25/05/2021 23:47

He's wrong about online access. If you have a joint credit card, you can be set up with your own log on that will only show you the joint accounts.
I know this because my husband and I have a joint current account and credit card with nationwide.
On my log on I can see our joint bank account & credit card but on his log on he has the joint accounts plus his personal savings account - which I can't see unless I use his log on.
So his reason for not allowing you access is invalid.

dementedpixie · 26/05/2021 05:37

@ToDoListAddict

He's wrong about online access. If you have a joint credit card, you can be set up with your own log on that will only show you the joint accounts. I know this because my husband and I have a joint current account and credit card with nationwide. On my log on I can see our joint bank account & credit card but on his log on he has the joint accounts plus his personal savings account - which I can't see unless I use his log on. So his reason for not allowing you access is invalid.
Credit cards aren't counted as a joint account. Only the principle card holder can see the credit card on their online banking. Dh is the principle card holder and I am an additional card holder. I can't see the credit card on the online banking (also nationwide). OP would need his log on details to see the credit card statements and that's what he doesn't want to share with her
CeeceeBloomingdale · 26/05/2021 05:49

We have separate finances, current accounts and credit cards, and would show each other if asked but we never ask. I might feel a bit odd to be asked but not because I'm hiding anything, I'm just not used to sharing that information. However, we each manage our finances properly. If he doesn't want to share that information with you it's within his control, he can pay the bill on time so there is no need. There's no excuse. Also if he has run up debt you're going to find out the minute you apply for a mortgage anyway.

cosima8 · 26/05/2021 07:50

“I pay all the bills, do all the online banking etc at DH's request BUT it's all from his bank account. We've been together for almost 20 years but he still won't let us have a joint account. For him it's not about 'financial privacy', clearly, so I don't know what it is. He's the only earner (I'm disabled and have no income). I hate using his bank card in shops but he point blank refuses to let me have one of my own.”

But how can he stop you having your own card? What is the point of that? Supposing you need to get a taxi or, I don’t know, anything in an emergency? What happens then? I can’t believe you’ve lived like this for 20 years Shock.

I’m a SAHM to and we both have cards to the same joint account. We also each have Pleo cards. All savings and investment accounts are in both names and all properties. You can also set up Apple Pay now so even if I’ve left my card at home, I just use my phone. I couldn’t imagine having to ask my DH to use his card. This is shocking actually.