AIBU to think my Uncle was taking revenge

[DumbestBlonde]

My grandparents were life-long private renters. They never got onto the property ladder for various reasons, and there was not the stigma against renters that there is now. I grew up with them, and in that rented property - leaving when I got my career underway.

There may not have been stigma in the same way (or I was oblivious to it) but there was still insecurity...... The house was owned by an elderly lady and it happened that she (or her children) wanted to sell it. My DGPs were late 70s.

My father and my uncle are both wealthy men. My father at that time lived in I think France, my uncle quite nearby to DGPs. However, I was not informed about the situation, which happened the same year as my daughter was born. My father would never have helped them, that's a given.

My uncle took money out of his investments and purchased the house (which was a character property but unmodernised) outright. I am not sure of the terms that they arranged between them at the outset.

After four years my grandfather died quite suddenly, although he was a good age. My grandmother was left living alone there, with my uncle and aunt a mile or so away and the favourite of the cousins also not too far away.

My uncle has four children - and although he and his wife said they had wanted to adopt me when I ended up (not legally) with my father/uncle's parents - they didn't follow through, or weren't allowed possibly due to my DGP's dislike of their religious beliefs (LDS).
At some point, my uncle admitted to me that he hated the fact that his parents brought me up, as it "took away" from HIS children......
There is always an edge to my dealings with him (religion, and them being so judgemental aside) - for example; my father stood me up for my wedding (well, two day's notice) so my unlce stood in to "give me away" in - but the price was that he humiliated me and made fun of me (spitefully, not affectionately) in the "father" of the Bride speech.

So, he continued to charge my GM rent - at the going rate. When the rent she paid had covered the money he had paid for the house - which was of course, increasing in value, he continued to charge her rent. Never at any point, did he consider granting her some sort of ownership of the property, in full or in part.

So, when she died - again, suddenly - there was apparently no will. And he told me that she left me nothing, and that when he sold the house, the proceeds would be divided between HIS children......

He also did not allow me to speak at her funeral - or even travel with the hearse (almost everyone there knew that I effectively her daughter), and instead, the favourite cousin delivered a eulogy - and words that she spoke were actually carved into the headstone.
(Note, she was not my grandmother's favourite grandchild.)

And, speaking of the headstone - he delayed getting it put at the grave for over four years... I was not allowed to sort it out , because he owns the plot, apparently. Four years! In fact, nearly five...

Am I being paranoid/unreasonable to think that - although not his primary objective - the side effect of my feelings being hurt massively (and not abiding by his mother's wishes) was ahappy consequence for him, given that he hated that I displaced his children somehow?

I'm sorry that you feel like you don't fit, but presumably the uncle needed the rent money. You can't possibly know his full financial history, maybe he bought it outright because he mortgaged his house to the hilt to keep a roof over his parents heads and needed the income? Maybe your DGPs got housing benefits that covered the rent? Why should he give them the property just because they paid rent? It's a nice idea to give them some ownership but it's not really practical in a lit of cases.

@DumbestBlonde nope, I have no interest to go looking for various reasons (dome healthy ,some not, some petty,some not, some reasonable,some not) . It would be good to know my medical history, but it's not worth it.

I don't need or want these people. You don't need them either. You've made it so far with less than scrapes and leftovers, you'll make it even further without being shackled by loyalty, hope,need of their approval, fear,obligation and guilt.

@tara66

Re. Quebec Inheritance Laws - a very quick search on google seems to indicate French inheritance Law does still apply there. One third of estate goes to spouse and two thirds to children.

But surely whatever he stipulates in his Will would override that. he said (before he said I was out of it....) that it wasn't much - enough to keep you in cigarettes for a few years (this was 2009, and I had quite smoking in 2005). If his estate was worth, say 3 million (dollars), I cannot see that he would ever think that I would "get"/be entitled to one third of two thirds of the 3 (allowing for his two other sons). Also his wife is quite a lot younger, although he did (again in the initial letter) say that I would not "have to wait" for her to die. His words, not mine.

I would not even know where to start to even question it, if it should come to that, especially me here, them Canada

[quote IND1A]@DumbestBlonde you say you’ve had many years of therapy / counselling. In all these years of expert help, has no one put to you any of the points that Mumsnetters have mentioned on these threads?[/quote]
I'm not really sure what you mean. I have over the years been in and out of Counselling - but nothing can really help....
I have not actually asked - nor have I dismissed - the suggestions made by the MNers with regard to family and the relationship diffudlties - and in fact welcome hearing about those who have had their own trials with adoption, abandonment and being discarded - but I didn't post for that, it just seems to go with the territory, much the way that such things do.

I think you have to accept that what ever was left When your Grandad died went to your Gran, you said they only lived there together for 4 years, so if he had to get his son to buy him a house , he didn't have any money. Also your not entitled to it as your a grand child, not a child of his.
Your gran lived near by, and they probably looked after her, and on a pension as you say there would not have been anything left again, due to the rent, so again if anythings after the Headstone and the Funeral was left, it legally belonged to your dad and uncle.
I think your have to accept, all your might have beens and wish it had beens, are pipe dreams, It will cost you money from an Estate that has no money.

of course,no one can say for sure

Your uncle neglected to visit on one day and you're insinuating that he could be indirectly responsible for her death? Seriously, have a word with yourself. This is a million miles from being healthy.

Re: your dad - why do you give him headspace? Distance yourself already. Have nothing to do with him, or his inheritance-dangling antics.

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

of course,no one can say for sure

Your uncle neglected to visit on one day and you're insinuating that he could be indirectly responsible for her death? Seriously, have a word with yourself. This is a million miles from being healthy.

Re: your dad - why do you give him headspace? Distance yourself already. Have nothing to do with him, or his inheritance-dangling antics.

He was having a SULK - punishing her. Any normal person would have worried when she didn't answer the phone, and popped down to check on her.

Wouldn't they?

I do not blame him for her actual death - but maybe if he had not been behaving like a little kid, he might have found her. Alive.

Re. My father - I do NOT ask to him to write to me out of the blue (another M.O. of his). The last letter he wrote, I put off opening for nearly six months. I opened it out of guilt. And then wished I hadn't. But to quote Stephen King, "Done bun can't be undone". I cannot un-know what he wants me to know. But thanks so much for your wise words.

@Whythesadface

I think you have to accept that what ever was left When your Grandad died went to your Gran, you said they only lived there together for 4 years, so if he had to get his son to buy him a house , he didn't have any money. Also your not entitled to it as your a grand child, not a child of his. Your gran lived near by, and they probably looked after her, and on a pension as you say there would not have been anything left again, due to the rent, so again if anythings after the Headstone and the Funeral was left, it legally belonged to your dad and uncle. I think your have to accept, all your might have beens and wish it had beens, are pipe dreams, It will cost you money from an Estate that has no money.

I don't think that's what I said at all. They had actually lived in the house from around the time my father was born. DGF died in 1992 and DGM continued to live there until 26/12/1999.

I see that you say that anything left after the headstone etc belonged to their sons. Youmight have missed the post in which I said that the headstone was not put on the grave or paid for until nearly five years after she was buried.

Love your recommendations. I don#t think I ever said I was actually pursuing anything did I?

If your dad writes to you, burn it. Would your DH burn it for you, so you don't have to do it? Nothing good can come from contact with these people.

Before reading, I mean. Just burn any letters and be done with it. Your dad wants to try to manipulate you, but you don't have to comply. You can choose to ignore all contact.

OP I grew up in a very difficult situation. Hugely dysfunctional. You need to step away from this. You're not seeing it clearly and logically because you're so emotionally involved.

I'm going to be blunt because I know how it feels. You have a choice. Put it behind you, move forward, and embrace the life you have now and the people who love you and you love back. Or let it define you and make you miserable.

You don't get a single day back. I beg you to look forward, not back.

I've genuinely rtft and I agree you do come across as someone who is feeling hard done by simply because you weren't treated in the same way as your father/uncle or your cousin's.

I had a similar relationship with my grandad as you did with your grandparents, he even lived with me (my mum and sister too) at the time of his death when I was 19. I still received the same inheritance as my cousin's which we all received before his death. There was also no house to sell (that had been sold several years before and went into his savings/costs) and only a few items to share with family, some of great sentimental value. Fortunately he had a will which he updated in later life to change to proportion of estate given to his 4 living children and 2 grandchildren of a deceased child (5 portions total) with a larger proportion going to my mum as a thank you for the years of care. His will made all the difference here, in your case there was no will therefore her entire estate (in this case, bank accounts, belongings, etc) go to her next of kin.

It's been mentioned lots before but the house is irrelevant, she rented it. My family were no more entitled to the house my grandad lived in at the time of his death than you are to that house. Your uncle is also entitled to divide up any profits from that house as he wanted and as you aren't close I can see why he didn't want to include you anyway. I imagine he charged market rate as it was close to cost rate including insurance and yearly upkeep as well as planning for unexpected costs like a boiler breakdown etc. Just because they lived in it for a long time doesn't mean they or you have any claim on it. I really can't imagine your grandmother expected him to give it to them or when the time came to sell it for you to get any benefit from that sale (not to see she wouldn't have appreciated the gesture had it been offered).

I'm just genuinely so confused about what you expected to happen after her death - you should of course of been offered the items she wanted you to have but with no written proof I can also see his point of view.

Re. OP inheriting from father - if the law in Quebec is as in France - i.e. set down that one's children cannot be disinherited and must get a certain %, i.e 2/3 to all the children and 1/3 to spouse - then all those children concerned must be contacted re. the inheritance. In France for example, houses sometimes stand empty for years when someone dies and large families are involved and need to be traced. The Law of Inheritance supersedes any Will.

Don’t know if this has been mentioned. If you had bought the house, then transferred ownership to your grandparents after they had paid the required amount, as previously suggested, then they died without a will.... your uncle and father would have a 50/50 split on the proceeds, and you’d still get nothing. I’m pretty sure that would feel even worse. I do get it though. It’s all just like a massive ‘you’re nothing to us’

Op sorry for what your going through and been through.
However financially your not owed anything. Your grandparents didn't own the house, your uncle bought it, it's his house and his kids will benefit rightly. Even if someone else bought the house and still allowed your grandparents to rent, they would be changed the going rate.
Your uncle had no obligation to give them a portion of the house after they paid in rent what he paid for the house. That's not how it works.

Op if your uncle hasn't bought the house, do you think the previous owner should have given you or your grandma a % share?