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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think my Uncle was taking revenge

216 replies

DumbestBlonde · 25/05/2021 09:58

My grandparents were life-long private renters. They never got onto the property ladder for various reasons, and there was not the stigma against renters that there is now. I grew up with them, and in that rented property - leaving when I got my career underway.

There may not have been stigma in the same way (or I was oblivious to it) but there was still insecurity...... The house was owned by an elderly lady and it happened that she (or her children) wanted to sell it. My DGPs were late 70s.

My father and my uncle are both wealthy men. My father at that time lived in I think France, my uncle quite nearby to DGPs. However, I was not informed about the situation, which happened the same year as my daughter was born. My father would never have helped them, that's a given.

My uncle took money out of his investments and purchased the house (which was a character property but unmodernised) outright. I am not sure of the terms that they arranged between them at the outset.

After four years my grandfather died quite suddenly, although he was a good age. My grandmother was left living alone there, with my uncle and aunt a mile or so away and the favourite of the cousins also not too far away.

My uncle has four children - and although he and his wife said they had wanted to adopt me when I ended up (not legally) with my father/uncle's parents - they didn't follow through, or weren't allowed possibly due to my DGP's dislike of their religious beliefs (LDS).
At some point, my uncle admitted to me that he hated the fact that his parents brought me up, as it "took away" from HIS children......
There is always an edge to my dealings with him (religion, and them being so judgemental aside) - for example; my father stood me up for my wedding (well, two day's notice) so my unlce stood in to "give me away" in - but the price was that he humiliated me and made fun of me (spitefully, not affectionately) in the "father" of the Bride speech.

So, he continued to charge my GM rent - at the going rate. When the rent she paid had covered the money he had paid for the house - which was of course, increasing in value, he continued to charge her rent. Never at any point, did he consider granting her some sort of ownership of the property, in full or in part.

So, when she died - again, suddenly - there was apparently no will. And he told me that she left me nothing, and that when he sold the house, the proceeds would be divided between HIS children......

He also did not allow me to speak at her funeral - or even travel with the hearse (almost everyone there knew that I effectively her daughter), and instead, the favourite cousin delivered a eulogy - and words that she spoke were actually carved into the headstone.
(Note, she was not my grandmother's favourite grandchild.)

And, speaking of the headstone - he delayed getting it put at the grave for over four years... I was not allowed to sort it out , because he owns the plot, apparently. Four years! In fact, nearly five...

Am I being paranoid/unreasonable to think that - although not his primary objective - the side effect of my feelings being hurt massively (and not abiding by his mother's wishes) was ahappy consequence for him, given that he hated that I displaced his children somehow?

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 25/05/2021 14:45

So, when she died - again, suddenly - there was apparently no will. And he told me that she left me nothing, and that when he sold the house, the proceeds would be divided between HIS children......

Btw, do you accept that this is an utterly bizarre thing to say? She didn't have a house to leave you. Even if she'd had a will, the asset wasn't hers to leave.

GucciJackie · 25/05/2021 14:45

It sounds bad for you. I would not contact them.

Have you tried EMT "tapping"
And self acceptance meditations.

I know you said you had therapy but can i recommend a book, fiona brennan The Self Love Habit.

You are going to have to accept this difficult situation, it is challenging and go hell for leather accepting this, love yourself and be your own strength and support. You love you. 💐 Brew i know you have a husband but this wound sounds like the source of it all.

You were brought up to feel peripheral.

DumbestBlonde · 25/05/2021 14:50

I get it, I really do - BUT, as a side-effect, he knew that, rather than helping them (earlier) to purchase themselves, he took away THEIR option of what to do (yes, their own fault .... before anyone says that) - not that I though I should be a sole beneficiary, but thay THEY could have chosen (before the days of equity release etc etc).

I had to watch as he divided the proceeds/profit from the sale betwen his children, and would not let me even have a piano that I was promised.
G & G would not have wanted that to happen to me. Whereas my Uncle partly engineered it to.... Which is why I mentioned revenge at the outset.
And yes, best I stay away, I know that Sad

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 25/05/2021 14:52

The piano, if you were promised it, might be a legitimate grievance. The house is not.

It would have made absolutely zero sense for him to give them the house. He's not a bad person just because he didn't want to chuck hundreds of thousands of pounds out the window.

bigbaggyeyes · 25/05/2021 14:55

I do think though that it was consideration - rather than making it possible for them to have a property to leave (and he could have done that....) - even by transferring owndership when the rent paid had covered the purchse price. That's what I would have done

But that's why people buy houses to rent out, to make money. Why would he buy a house to give away to someone else? Renters have always, and will always, pay the mortgage of the person who owns it. Without the emotion you are putting in this, that's the facts. I've known plenty of people who buy houses and rent them out to friends or family, why would they then give that person a % share of the house? Your grandmother had no need for a % share in the house. She can't take the money with her. She could have chosen to buy a house at any point in her life but didn't. Are you annoyed you didn't get any inheritance?

He sounds a very unpleasant man and in your shoes I'd simply go nc with them all.

DumbestBlonde · 25/05/2021 14:55

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

So, when she died - again, suddenly - there was apparently no will. And he told me that she left me nothing, and that when he sold the house, the proceeds would be divided between HIS children......

Btw, do you accept that this is an utterly bizarre thing to say? She didn't have a house to leave you. Even if she'd had a will, the asset wasn't hers to leave.

I need to re-read, I haven't said that I should have been left the house. Any Will she might have writtten would have been about other inheritances, and her wishes regarding her posessions.... No Will meant that the verbal promises she had made to me were not kept, as my Uncle didn't believe me (and yes, there was small amount of money that she had talked about). The way he engineered the house to be totally his is something of a moral issue, athough there is a financial aspect to it of course. As there always is..... He nevertheless sold the house and divided the profits between his four children, and deliberately excluded me.
OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 25/05/2021 14:57

The way he engineered the house to be totally his

By buying it?!

DumbestBlonde · 25/05/2021 14:58

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

The piano, if you were promised it, might be a legitimate grievance. The house is not.

It would have made absolutely zero sense for him to give them the house. He's not a bad person just because he didn't want to chuck hundreds of thousands of pounds out the window.

I know I am ridiculous, but he should have either not charged them rent., or let them have a say in what happened to it when they had effectively paid for it in full.
OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 25/05/2021 14:59

Seriously, it sounds like your uncle is a wanker, and you'd be best off with him out of your life. But stop obsessing about the house. Your uncle bought it, fair and square, and later sold it and divided the proceeds amongst his children. Your grandparents were able to stay in their home in their later years, which is what they wanted.

Noone was ripped off in relation to the house.

DumbestBlonde · 25/05/2021 15:01

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

The way he engineered the house to be totally his

By buying it?!

Yes - putting it simplistically. He gave me no chance for input (and yes, to "benefit") and to be able to help them as well.

He also made over 100% profit simply due rising house prices (values?).

He also did NOT do repairs, complained about cutting the lawn (years later) - when actually my husband was doing it, so he was gaslighting even about something as small as that.
He also grumbled that she was not answering her phone the day after Boxing Day - and also that she had declined an invitation - when in fact she was DEAD on the floor of the kitchen.

OP posts:
aiwblam · 25/05/2021 15:02

Just cut contact with uncle. He sounds selfish and nasty and this will never be fixed.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 25/05/2021 15:06

Yes - putting it simplistically. He gave me no chance for input (and yes, to "benefit") and to be able to help them as well.

You say you could have bought them a house - well, why didn't you? (A different one, obviously) And you could have charged them no rent, making it an attractive option for them, even if it meant moving. What stopped you?

He also made over 100% profit simply due rising house prices

This applies to most people who owned property in that time period. It doesn't make them bad people. And it doesn't mean they are obliged to give the profit away.

If you had wanted to invest in property at that time, you could have done so. Your uncle didn't stop you.

You very much need to move on.

DumbestBlonde · 25/05/2021 15:06

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Seriously, it sounds like your uncle is a wanker, and you'd be best off with him out of your life. But stop obsessing about the house. Your uncle bought it, fair and square, and later sold it and divided the proceeds amongst his children. Your grandparents were able to stay in their home in their later years, which is what they wanted.

Noone was ripped off in relation to the house.

Oh dear - I have given this advice before when an OP answers every rpoley or remark to them. I do not like the use of the word "obsessing" - when what is happening is me replyng to - and varying what I say - all the people (I think/hope) who take the trouble, no matter their intention - to make a contribution to the thread and help me figure out what to do. As the the thread has grown, it seems like repeated responses from me are demonstrating an obsession, when that is not the case at all. But I do have genuine questions and I DO feel aggrieved (for what that matters).
And I maintain that whether primary aim or a side-effect, the fact that I was ignored in all respects was a good outcome for him.
OP posts:
OverByYer · 25/05/2021 15:08

I just think you need to put all this behind you, stop thinking about what you think you are entitled to and walk away.

DumbestBlonde · 25/05/2021 15:08

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Yes - putting it simplistically. He gave me no chance for input (and yes, to "benefit") and to be able to help them as well.

You say you could have bought them a house - well, why didn't you? (A different one, obviously) And you could have charged them no rent, making it an attractive option for them, even if it meant moving. What stopped you?

He also made over 100% profit simply due rising house prices

This applies to most people who owned property in that time period. It doesn't make them bad people. And it doesn't mean they are obliged to give the profit away.

If you had wanted to invest in property at that time, you could have done so. Your uncle didn't stop you.

You very much need to move on.

No-one told me what was going on, until it was too late.

Seriously - what does "move on" actually mean?

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 25/05/2021 15:13

It means stop thinking about who benefitted from the sale of a house that was sold by your uncle 15(?) years ago, and that never belonged you or to your grandparents. Because it's utterly irrelevant to your life.

What is relevant to your life is that your uncle is not a nice person, and doesn't treat you well. So ditch him. Cut contact, and put him out of your mind, through counselling if necessary. Only have people in your life if they bring you happiness, which he doesn't.

katy1213 · 25/05/2021 15:14

You sound very bitter and obsessed about this.
If you had wanted to buy a property and rent it more cheaply to your grandparents - assuming they wanted to move - well, nothing was stopping you. It's not your uncle's fault that you couldn't/didn't. There's an awful lot of what you 'could have' done in all this - the fact is, you didn't.
By all means cut him out of your life if you don't like him - but nobody has cheated you out of anything.

katy1213 · 25/05/2021 15:19

What 'chance for input' do you expect? A man buys a house for his parents to use during their lifetime. The parents seem happy with this arrangement which gives them a security of tenure that they didn't have before.
Your input was never required. It was none of your business.

Flowers500 · 25/05/2021 15:20

@DumbestBlonde

I get it, I really do - BUT, as a side-effect, he knew that, rather than helping them (earlier) to purchase themselves, he took away THEIR option of what to do (yes, their own fault .... before anyone says that) - not that I though I should be a sole beneficiary, but thay THEY could have chosen (before the days of equity release etc etc).

I had to watch as he divided the proceeds/profit from the sale betwen his children, and would not let me even have a piano that I was promised.
G & G would not have wanted that to happen to me. Whereas my Uncle partly engineered it to.... Which is why I mentioned revenge at the outset.
And yes, best I stay away, I know that Sad

Look spouting this nonsense is not helping you.

They were old so they couldn't have got a mortgage on the house. If they could have afforded to buy it I'm sure they would have done so. But they couldn't and they didn't.

You do literally think he should have bought the house for them expressly so they could have given it to you?!? Why?? No seriously, why. It doesn't sound like he inherited from them, you want him to have some kind of opposite inheritance where he gives them money to designate to other members of the family? Do you think that makes sense?

DumbestBlonde · 25/05/2021 15:20

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

It means stop thinking about who benefitted from the sale of a house that was sold by your uncle 15(?) years ago, and that never belonged you or to your grandparents. Because it's utterly irrelevant to your life.

What is relevant to your life is that your uncle is not a nice person, and doesn't treat you well. So ditch him. Cut contact, and put him out of your mind, through counselling if necessary. Only have people in your life if they bring you happiness, which he doesn't.

I posted on here to ask a question - but that doesn't mean that I am "obsessed". The day that I don't have the mental capacity to think about it, is when I will start worrying about a mental decline.

I am certainly nnot thinking about it to the exclusion of anything else - another life event brought it to mind, and I have no-one irl (that is unaffected by my thoughts) to discuss it with.

Again - that does not mean that I am obsessed.

Move On is like Get A Life - a fairly empty (and yet somehow demeaning) instruction. Generally, "Moving On" happens whether we like it or not.

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 25/05/2021 15:22

"He nevertheless sold the house and divided the profits between his four children, and deliberately excluded me."

This man is your UNCLE and you don't even like him, so why on earth do you think he would be leaving you his estate? It's not an inheritance from grandparents, it's your uncle's money. You are being utterly irrational here.

rookiemere · 25/05/2021 15:23

What are you hoping to get from this thread OP ?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 25/05/2021 15:23

Exactly. It was a transaction between the grandparents and their son. They seem to have been happy with the terms. He didn't cheat anyone, or pull the wool over anyone's eyes, and dividing the house between his children upon sale is very normal behaviour.

You might feel that you'd have charged less rent etc., but that's irrelevant. You weren't a party to the deal.

tara66 · 25/05/2021 15:24

Perhaps you could have made a claim as a GC for the piano from the estate through a solicitor when GM past away although any assets the GPs had would go only to their direct descents (their children) if no Will. As GM wanted you to have piano she must have thought about this matter and should have at least written it down and given you a statement gifting you the piano. She could have even given it to you while still alive.
If you were expecting/hoping for any inheritance of furniture etc. the time to do something about it was while GPs were still alive. You could have said '' I'd like x y z to remember you by'' - it isn't offensive.

anon12345678901 · 25/05/2021 15:29

But if they could have afforded the house, they would have surely? If they didn't have the cash and were too old to get a mortgage then they couldn't have brought it. The terms they agreed is nothing to do with you. You are not entitled to the house or a part of it rather as you are not one of his children.