Family member telling my children their sister is a half sister

[ohmyohmy123]

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

Wow I've definitely been told!!

In hindsight we should have told them when they were younger.

My DH family know because I had a child when we met. They did not have children at that point and therefore those children did not have a reason to know anything - therefore it's been discussed recently for this to be said now.

Anyway I appreciate all the comments - I won't read any more as I've been well and truly told.

I think the only person that needs to apologise is you, for keeping such a thing from your children. That is shocking, in this day and age there was simply no need to live a lie like that.

No reason why younger ones need to know. Like you said your oldest didn't want the younger ones to know and you respected their wishes.

Where did OP say that, @oopsydaisyyy? I can't see it in her posts.

YABU. Family secrets are awful. By lying, you are implying there is something shameful or wrong with the actual situation. I have seen so many young adults traumatised by revelations that were withheld to protect adult vanity, pride and wishful thinking. Like a woman being told her sister died in a car accident when she took her own life, a teenage boy finding out his was adopted, and his biological mother was a relative who he'd met before, a girl finding out her sister was her mother and her mother was actually her grandmother. In the case of the boy, he found out through another child blurting it out, and his parents adopted another child from overseas, who everyone knew was adopted, but they'd lied to him.
In each case the truth caused so much more upset than I'd it had been told all along.

Think you should have told the dc from the year dot, but omg, what a bitch your mil is! No bloody need at all, I hope you’ve told her to stay well away.

YANBU! Oh I’m so sorry for you.

I’m guessing the cousin is on your DPs side? So his family have been gossiping about your oldest DC. To their 12yr old. Nice.

When people tell you who they are, believe them.

Disagree with what, in laws knew dc didn’t know?!

Op says: ‘Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now"

They knew and were busybodies

@SharonasCorona, that still doesn't demonstrate that the in-laws knew beforehand that OP was keeping it a secret. All it shows is that OP's MIL suddenly twigged from what the children were saying that they didn't know already, hence "Oh dear".

What is really telling in OP's post is her statement that the children were visibly upset and confused that she would keep a secret from them. Because that is exactly what she has done, and yet she blames the in-laws for a problem she caused. The longer the secret went on, the more upsetting it would be to them.

Think of the older DC! The older DC will have been 8 or 9 when the younger DC came along. A young teen as the LOs were toddlers. Why does your relationship with the man who has raised you have to be discussed and labelled and diminished? If that’s what felt right and natural, then fair enough OP. X

Tell the truth from day one and it’s never an issue. Kids take on whatever dynamic you give them and accept things easily while young. You say it’s nothing to hide but you did just that.

Yes it wasn’t their secret to tell but it should never have been a secret to keep.

I’m guessing the cousin is on your DPs side? So his family have been gossiping about your oldest DC. To their 12yr old. Nice.

You don't know that they were gossiping. It could just be something that came up in general chat about the family - I really don't see how chatting about your siblings amongst yourselves is "gossiping", it's not as if the fact that OP has children by two different fathers is anything to be ashamed of; nor was there any reason to know OP was being so foolish as to try to keep this all deathly secret.

I’m in the process of being an egg donor.

All the PPs outraged at this being “kept a secret”.... do the DC that might be conceived with my donation have to have it drilled into them from day 1 that their DM isn’t their DM? Do they have to be told that their biology doesn’t match that of their siblings from the get go? Have a word with yourselves.

This happened to my cousin at the age of 17 - drunk relative at a wedding decided it was a good time to inform her that her dad was actually her stepdad and her younger sister was her “half” sister. She got over it but finding out that way was awful. Her parents fully admit that given their time over again they’d have always told the truth in an age appropriate way. Time for some honest conversations, OP.

I reckon the mother-in-law put them up to it

@BobLemon

Think of the older DC! The older DC will have been 8 or 9 when the younger DC came along. A young teen as the LOs were toddlers. Why does your relationship with the man who has raised you have to be discussed and labelled and diminished? If that’s what felt right and natural, then fair enough OP. X

How is that relationship in any way diminished by this? I would hope the older child has known the truth all along. If anything I would have thought it would increase everyone's respect for OP's husband that he had done such a good job of fathering a child who is not his.

Even if the op is unreasonable for keeping this a secret the mother-in-law is completely out of order

Better out than in. From personal experience, delaying telling the truth only widens the gap later.
YABU and it’s wasn’t for their benefit you didn’t tell them.

I wouldn't wait for an apology I wouldn't even mention it again but now you've got their number and you know who you can and can't trust

@TakeMeToKernow

I’m in the process of being an egg donor.

All the PPs outraged at this being “kept a secret”.... do the DC that might be conceived with my donation have to have it drilled into them from day 1 that their DM isn’t their DM? Do they have to be told that their biology doesn’t match that of their siblings from the get go? Have a word with yourselves.

Well, yes, they should know from the outset, precisely because otherwise when they find out the truth they are going to find it much more difficult to handle. Suppose, for instance, they have to have medical treatment which requires information to be given about their family history - it will have to be made clear that their donee mother doesn't know all the details of their biological mother's medical history, or that her blood won't match theirs, etc. It doesn't have to be drilled into them, it's just basic information about their backgrounds that they're entitled to know.

Each to their own! One size fits all does not apply here. Time to have a nurturing talk with your DC OP. Then get on with life as usual. The way others discuss things is always different. It's opened the discussion for you. Over your head with the other people involved. They have shown you who they are. Families are all different.

@TakeMeToKernow

I’m in the process of being an egg donor.

All the PPs outraged at this being “kept a secret”.... do the DC that might be conceived with my donation have to have it drilled into them from day 1 that their DM isn’t their DM? Do they have to be told that their biology doesn’t match that of their siblings from the get go? Have a word with yourselves.

Er... yes, of course they should know!

Not from the second they're born, but the parents should be honest with the child, in an age appropriate way, about it's biological ancestry. They don't have to make a big thing of it, but nor should it be a secret.

What's the alternative? A big reveal at age 18? That they find out as an adult when they realise their blood type doesn't match their siblings, or when a parent needs a kidney but the child can't donate?

I don't understand all the vitriol on here about the MiL. Her exclamation sounds to me like the immediate, instinctual reaction of someone who has suddenly had this family crisis unfolding in front of her out of the blue - the thought process seems to have been along the lines of "Oh dear, the grandchildren are upset, they can't have known, we all thought they did know, I suppose DiL will need to explain it to them". It might have been better to say nothing but the situation seems to have been sprung on her so it's understandable. I can't see that there was anything bitchy about it.

Your extended family were unreasonable to tell them in these circumstances (apart from that it was a child who told them) but you are completely unreasonable to have hidden this from the kids for so long.

When others know the family secret there is always potential for this kind of thing to come out explosively. The time to have told them is when they're too small to understand what you've told them so it's never scary news; it's just the way things are. The longer you leave it, the more potential for emotional damage it causes.

Please tell me your older DD knows that your DH is not her dad and the other kids' half-sibling. If she doesn't, that's off the scale of f**cked 🤯

I am sorry this has happened I am quite surprised at the comments you have received stating it was your fault for not having told them. I dont agree with this I think the parents of the child were in the wrong for discussing your business with anyone, and your mil for nit being more sensitive to your children's feelings or your other family members. I think you are justified to be outraged at their behaviour and I would struggle to trust them again.

Similar happened to my sister (half) my stepdad s niece never accepted me so she told my sister when she was 6 it wasn't a secret but still... Anyway talk to the children that's your main focus isn't it?

Even if the op is unreasonable for keeping this a secret the mother-in-law is completely out of order

How so ?