Family member telling my children their sister is a half sister

[ohmyohmy123]

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

OP, I do empathise. I fully agree that some things are private to the core family & not for general wider discussion. I would be annoyed that this was discussed with a pre-teen esp if older family members knew the OP's younger kids unaware. Young kids can be indelicate & v insensitive (as can some ignorant adults) when commenting about something that doesn't affect or impact on them st all but can be a very difficult or touchy subject for the person who it actually does affect. I have a complex family situation that at times needs v v delicate handling & it pisses me off hugely when wider/extended family members wade in with unwanted & unsought advice or thoughts....it is usually masking nosiness & looking for updates rather than out of concern & when I decline to offer the latest development & brush it off... it is all 'everything should be out in the open between family'. My DH & I will decide what is right for our family especially regarding sensitive matters. It is not 'one size fits all' when it comes to giving information to children. What might be a non-issue for 99% could be huge for 1%. I am usually very calm & composed but I actually felt like decking my cousin's wife who recently sought me out for an update at a family gathering & then within earshot began to fill her mother in on the situation. Sorry OP that this has happened. I am sure you were waiting to find a right time & this has pulled the rug out from under you all.

Haven't rtft. I think it was a callous way for them to have found out and can understand you being upset with your family. You were going to tell them at some point and do it in a sensitive way. Hope the fallout for your kids isn't too bad and absolutely YANBU.

@SionnachGlic but this does not just affect the OP and her DP and child. It affects the extended family. OP is expecting the MIL to lie to her child that she is the child's grandmother and to lie to the grandchildren that the child is their cousin.
You do not get to keep information private if it means other people have to lie when they have not consented to lying.

@SionnachGlic and what right time might that be exactly? The right time was 10 years ago!

It wasn't the place of another child, to tell your kids, but if this is a well known fact amongst your family, and the kids are obviously around ten at least/ why wouldn't you? There seems to be more 'shame' around the fact you divorced if you have to keep it a secret, and it's not like your kids won't have seen people who have gone on to have second families before. Kids can't keep anything to themselves- it was wrong of an adult to tell this kid in the first place- but sorry- you also should have been honest with them regarding the fact their much older sister has a different dad. Trying to hide that- almost is like trying to hide a part of her, and expecting her to do the same- can't imagine that does much for your self esteem long term.

When my DD was born my sister brought round a bag of her children's baby stuff including a gorgeous and enormous Winnie the Pooh book with all the stories. Her DD (the one who didn't find out the man who raised her wasn't her dad aged 19 through friends and not her parents) came too.

The book was signed "To Lucy (my niece) love from Susan and Geoff (the parents of the man who raised her)" signed on niece's 1st birthday. When my sister realised it was among the baby stuff she grabbed it, threw it under my bed and said she didn't realise that was in there and I had to promise to get rid of it in case her DD (who was 13 at the time) ever saw it and wondered why it wasn't signed grandma and grandad. My niece came back in the room at that point and I felt so, so angry that I was complicit in this awful lie and had to do sneaky things in case she found out. I messaged my sister later saying please don't ever put me in that situation again and she couldn't see what the problem was

@TakeMeToKernow

I’m in the process of being an egg donor.

All the PPs outraged at this being “kept a secret”.... do the DC that might be conceived with my donation have to have it drilled into them from day 1 that their DM isn’t their DM? Do they have to be told that their biology doesn’t match that of their siblings from the get go? Have a word with yourselves.

They should be told from a young age. At one time or another they're going to realise that nobody comments they get this trait or that look from their mother, or they're going to look in the mirror and realise they bear no resemblance to their mother or her side of the family. Older family members will almost certainly know the origin of the child's conception and probably feel uncomfortable with knowing more about the child's biological history than the child themselves, with good reason.

[quote fruityorange]@SionnachGlic but this does not just affect the OP and her DP and child. It affects the extended family. OP is expecting the MIL to lie to her child that she is the child's grandmother and to lie to the grandchildren that the child is their cousin.
You do not get to keep information private if it means other people have to lie when they have not consented to lying.[/quote]
This.

I can assure anyone it's a horrible lie to have to carry around. It's not fair to do this to children. Telling them early in their lives is key, they will grow up not knowing any differently.

All the PPs outraged at this being “kept a secret”.... do the DC that might be conceived with my donation have to have it drilled into them from day 1 that their DM isn’t their DM? Do they have to be told that their biology doesn’t match that of their siblings from the get go? Have a word with yourselves

@TakeMeToKernow in a word, yes. There are so many resources about age appropriate ways to tell children that will make them understand but will also ensure they see the woman raising them as heir mother. Don't assume that their biology will never matter to them.

Is the mother-in-law always such a bull in a China shop or is it done strategically out of spite?🤔

@Miasicarisatia for the third time, the MIL DID NOT tell the children!! For crying out loud

Anyway why should the MIL keep this secret and pretend another man's child is her grandchild? Why wouldn't someone just do the step parent thing in this situation?

These things always always always come out. Be honest from when they are young and they accept it. Lie about it and it becomes a massive issue. I'm afraid you are at fault here. If they had found out as adults it would have hurt them even more.

How sad for the DC that you kept something, that is in reality such a non-issue, from them. No matter how well-intentioned, they will now be wondering what else you lied about.

You lied, they told the truth and you're mad at them? They obviously didn't know it was a secret.

Please arrange some counseling for your poor kids. I was in exactly the same situation as your eldest child in my family and it is so harmful to live a secret, even if it is by omission. My younger sister didn’t know the truth until she was in her late teens.

@Beverlybeier

I am sorry this has happened I am quite surprised at the comments you have received stating it was your fault for not having told them. I dont agree with this I think the parents of the child were in the wrong for discussing your business with anyone, and your mil for nit being more sensitive to your children's feelings or your other family members. I think you are justified to be outraged at their behaviour and I would struggle to trust them again.

I don't see why the parents were in the wrong. Surely it's reasonably normal to talk about family members in the course of general conversation? The concept that we should treat our siblings' affairs as if they were shameful secrets never to be discussed with our own families is really weird. Was I supposed never to have mentioned to my children that my brothers' stepchildren weren't actually his children as if it was something to be ashamed of?

@Miasicarisatia

Mother-in-law is the one who told the other grandchildren about it, mother-in-law should have kept her mouth shut in the first place, Irrespective of whether the op is ill advised to have kept this from her children it is not the place of mother-in-law let the cat out of the bag. At least now you know not to trust the interfering old witch

Where on earth do you get that from? Surely the cousin is more likely to have learnt about it from her own parents.

Plus this is a very ageist post.

@Miasicarisatia

Trying to hide the truth can cause so many issues and destroy trust This thread is not about whether the op is in the wrong in allowing the situation to develop like this, this thread is about the deliberate indiscretion of the mother-in-law. Surely if the mother-in-law had an issue with the existence of this secret she should have brought it up with the OP not taken it upon herself to force the situation, in other words behaving as if she is the boss of everyone and has the right of veto and to go unchallenged, she doesn't have the right to make the rules for OP's family.

Are you reading the right thread, @Miasicarisatia? There is absolutely nothing whatsoever indicating that MIL forced this situation, or that she was deliberately indiscreet. Your posts are really quite bizarre.

With regards to egg donation, yes, the kids should know from birth. It should never be told because it should always just be. My own family has its own wacky creation and it was always just the way it was. I have no memory of my parents telling me about it because they just wove it into the narrative of our lives. You can sing lullabies. You can read story books. You can make your own books with photos of the people who helped build your family but aren’t a day to day part of it. There are so many ways this can be presented to extremely young children that will make them completely comfortable.

I don't think you should hide it. A family member met his wife when she was already pregnant, he raised that child as his own. The whole family knew the child wasn't his but none of us ever mentioned it. Years later when the child was off to uni they found out accidentally via official documents and it caused a lot of pain and upset.

Christ on a bike, the MIL is not an old witch, an interf

The MIL is not interfering, an old witch or a cunt as she has been called on here. She did not tell the children. A cousin of the same age as them did. How the cousin knows is unknown but I would most likely imagine it was an innocuous overheard conversation.

Why didn’t you tell your children this? They are far too old not to know. Of course they found out and of course they are upset. This is on you. YABU.

@TakeMeToKernow

I’m in the process of being an egg donor.

All the PPs outraged at this being “kept a secret”.... do the DC that might be conceived with my donation have to have it drilled into them from day 1 that their DM isn’t their DM? Do they have to be told that their biology doesn’t match that of their siblings from the get go? Have a word with yourselves.

I don't need to have a word with myself. My DS was conceived with donor sperm. He's still a baby but already has a book about how he was made (in toddler-friendly terms). DP and I are both women so wouldn't be able to keep it a secret anyway, but the Donor Conception Network and other organisations recommend openness no matter the parents' sex.

As for children conceived with your eggs - their DM is their DM. That doesn't change biology, and they should be aware of that.