Family member telling my children their sister is a half sister

[ohmyohmy123]

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

Same situation here but my youngest two are vaguely aware eldest has a different father they never refer to her as half sister despite there dad trying to get them to after we split he said she isnt there real sister and drove a massive wedge between them the rift is taking a long time to heal not because it was a secret but because daddy was a cunt about it after the split

@TakeMeToKernow

I’m in the process of being an egg donor.

All the PPs outraged at this being “kept a secret”.... do the DC that might be conceived with my donation have to have it drilled into them from day 1 that their DM isn’t their DM? Do they have to be told that their biology doesn’t match that of their siblings from the get go? Have a word with yourselves.

If you are sensible you will explain this to your child when they are very young. As soon as you have to have the - where do I come from conversation.

@Zzelda

I don't understand all the vitriol on here about the MiL. Her exclamation sounds to me like the immediate, instinctual reaction of someone who has suddenly had this family crisis unfolding in front of her out of the blue - the thought process seems to have been along the lines of "Oh dear, the grandchildren are upset, they can't have known, we all thought they did know, I suppose DiL will need to explain it to them". It might have been better to say nothing but the situation seems to have been sprung on her so it's understandable. I can't see that there was anything bitchy about it.

I agree. It's possible the ILs were being malicious, but it's far more likely that the subject cropped up quite naturally in their home, hence the cousin knowing and not realising that it was a big secret. It doesn't have to be malicious gossip, and I find it quite telling when posters assume that it is.

This is of the OP's own doing. You can't keep a secret that big and not expect it to be told in an unfortunate way. The best you can do is damage control and try to explain to your kids.

You can’t be upset about the transmission of relatively benign, factual information. It’s extremely bizarre that you kept this information from your children and no person would expect to need to hide this sort of thing from people who they would expect to know.

OP with the greatest of respect, what did you expect to happen when you concealed such a massive truth? You can't expect everyone to go along with lies. I'm afraid this is the consequences of pretending to your children that their older sibling shares the same dad as they do.

Speaking as the auntie of children this happened to, I am advising you to be there for them. This is going to be hard on them and it's time to centre your kids and not yourself.

You caused this issue, by not telling them in an age appropriate way when they were much younger. I have adopted three babies and I made up a story for each of them with the facts of their adoption in and started telling each of them before they were a year old.

Telling them in a loving way meant that we controlled the narrative and they could never be upset by someone telling them. None of my children can remember a time when they didn't know they were adopted and I was sure to stress that their birth mothers made their decisions because they loved them.

I have a friend whose teenage twins are donor-conceived and I don't know for a fact that they know this so I have always been very careful never to mention it in front of my own children (although at the time of conception my friend she talked openly about her treatment and many of her friends knew what she was going though).

Recently, one of these friends brought it up in discussion with me when my kids (now also teens) were in the room - so that cat's well and truly out the bag now. I had to explain to my children the magnitude of what they had overheard but am terrified it will still get passed on as my kids and the donor-conceived kids have many friends in common.

This is why it's always better to be upfront from the word go about these matters. If they don't already know, one day someone will make a throwaway comment and my friend's teenagers will have a real shock.

I have to say I hate all this "My DH raised her and is her dad" - you can't just erase where people have come from because it's more convenient, it's not up to a parent to decide if a child's biology matters to them.

These things never, ever end well. My niece found out aged 19 through the local gossip mill that the man who raised her wasn't her dad. And all my sister cared about was "I can't believe people were gossiping about my sex life from 20 years ago"

I don't agree with hiding things like this because the truth always comes out somehow and makes into more of a deal than it needs to be.
That said, it wasn't really your families place to tell them. The cousins are, I assume children, so the blame is firmly on whoever told them.

@TakeMeToKernow There is quite a lot of good literature to help explain egg donation to dc.
It is absolutely encouraged as being in the best interests of dc that parents who use donated eggs or sperm are up front from the start with dc.
Obviously in an age appropriate way but there shouldn't be a time where they don't understand this part of their story.
Then it is just a normal part of their life.

The cousins are, I assume children, so the blame is firmly on whoever told them.

It's probably far more likely they overheard a conversation. It's quite a secret to expect relatives to keep and never speak about. I'm not personally a fan of sweeping secrets under the rug at the detriment of children.

What a horrible situation for you and your children and I feel sorry for you all. I understand that it can seem a really uncomfortable thing to discuss with children when they are younger - it can seem like you are bringing the adult world into their lives and disturbing the innocence of childhood. My husband has an older child and I remember how much I hated having to explain to my children
that daddy had been married before. (Especially as you have to explain it a lot more than one time if you tell them from when they are little) But of course the pain/discomfort was all mine they asked a few questions and accepted it blithely each time it came up.

As so many have said this was something you should have told them for the beginning and you made others be party to your secret . From your MIL’s perspective you have have made her have to lie in absentia - her son is not your eldest daughter’s biological father (though he is in all other respects). You can’t make other people play along. It’s not fair on anyone.

I do really hope that your eldest daughter has known the truth because that is incalculably cruel otherwise - and would make your decision almost unforgivable. Not only would you have lied to her her whole life you have made every single adult who plays an important role in her life lie to her too and I cannot begin to fathom the damage caused by that. Maybe your MIL really resents being put in the position of lying to your eldest child and wanted her to know because she loves her and thinks that you are threatening their relationship by making them complicit?

Though of course if you have told you daughter then you have made her be responsible for keeping the ‘secret’ from her siblings which is also unbelievably awful.

My family is completely scrambled for a variety of reasons, but were honest about who is who. I've basically grown up in the wrong generation, but my relationships are defined by the love of the relationship not titles and genetic connection.

I was an adult when my cousin was born. I chose to be called Auntie as it felt more natural with the age gap. I didn't realise that their parents had never actually explained the connection/ title and when they were 8, DH blurted it out. Fortunately DN/ cousin saw the funny side and no upset has been caused, but it's an extended family connection, not about (half) siblings which would hit harder to their sense of identity.

I've been upfront with my DCs and talked about my family from as soon as they were old enough to grasp mummy/ daddy/ brother/ sister/ grandparents. It's extended family to them, but understanding my connections is understanding their connections. There's been no big revelations because it was always talked about. Complex/ blended families are far more normal now than when I grew up. My family could have chosen the convenience of presenting the superficial situation as the truth and I'm glad they didn't, and it was an era where these things were actively covered up. It does matter when it comes to health and genetics, and it does matter in developing your sense of self. Trying to hide the truth can cause so many issues and destroy trust.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop I totally agree. It is convenient for parents like the OP to erase their child's actual dad from existence. But that does not change the fact that her dad is not the man who brought her up. The man who brought her up might act like a dad and be loved like a dad, but he isn't. That is fine if everyone knows. But otherwise, it is a lie.

"I had 5 grandads when I was little (one obviously being a step grandad)"

Only one was a step grandad out of 5? Are you counting great-grandfathers as well? But in that case, it wouldn't be obvious that one would be a step.

What exactly has the poor MIL done ffs. What is she supposed to say? Her GCs are upset about something her other GC has said. Should the cousin have been told off? Would that have been fair.

Mother-in-law is the one who told the other grandchildren about it, mother-in-law should have kept her mouth shut in the first place,
Irrespective of whether the op is ill advised to have kept this from her children it is not the place of mother-in-law let the cat out of the bag.
At least now you know not to trust the interfering old witch

And this is why lying to your children about their parentage isa terrible idea.

Why should MIL lie to her grandchildren?

@Miasicarisatia

Mother-in-law is the one who told the other grandchildren about it, mother-in-law should have kept her mouth shut in the first place, Irrespective of whether the op is ill advised to have kept this from her children it is not the place of mother-in-law let the cat out of the bag. At least now you know not to trust the interfering old witch

Where on earth have you got this idea from that MIL is to blame?

Unpopular opinion but if my son met a woman who had a child I wouldn't see that child as my grandchild and wouldn't feel obliged to pretend he was their dad, just because it was more convenient to the mother to lie than tell the truth

Trying to hide the truth can cause so many issues and destroy trust
This thread is not about whether the op is in the wrong in allowing the situation to develop like this, this thread is about the deliberate indiscretion of the mother-in-law.
Surely if the mother-in-law had an issue with the existence of this secret she should have brought it up with the OP not taken it upon herself to force the situation, in other words behaving as if she is the boss of everyone and has the right of veto and to go unchallenged, she doesn't have the right to make the rules for OP's family.

I am guessing that the "interfering old witch" has probably been very welcoming of the OP's child?

@Miasicarisatia it wasn't the MIL who spilled the secret.

It doesn't matter who said what to whom - the children are rightly upset and confused and it's them who need to be centered, no silly point scoring with the in laws

@Miasicarisatia why should she? The OP chose to lie. I do not blame the MIL for refusing to lie to her grandchildren.