Family member telling my children their sister is a half sister

[ohmyohmy123]

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

I always think by keeping these things secret it reflects that it is something to be ashamed of which it's totally not. Secrets always come out and never in the best way.

To be told by an an cousin is horrible and the cousin shouldn't have done that. However, I have to ask why on earth you haven't told them way before now - clearly they were going to find out from some twat at sometime.

This is on you op, not the in laws. You should have told them the truth years ago.

The in laws were entirely wrong to blab, and so publicly. But seriously, how long did you think you'd get away with this lie by omission? At some point your kids were bound to find out or be told. I'm amazed that it took eleven years. Mine had needed to see birth certificates by then, for starters. And if half the extended family knew, it's astonishing that it took this long to come out.

I'm so sad for your kids that they found out this way, instead of hearing it from you in a positive and private way.

YABU not to be honest and open with your children.

Always knew that my sister was my half sister - I recollect a lesson about calculating averages in 2nd year primary (mid 1960s, blended families less common) being told that I couldn't have half of a sister.
Enormous "told you so" when the average number of children per family was calculated at just under 2.5.

@LemonLimeFlower

I’d be furious, and we don’t see in laws for a similar reason. They aren’t to be trusted, and it’s none of their business. People keep,secrets, because they want to, for various reasons. If it’s not your secret and business, keep out of it ,

You don’t see your in laws because they didn’t maintain an unnecessary and unfair lie on your behalf? Really?

I’m in a similar position to OP’s in-laws and while I’ll never let on, I resent being asked to lie so that the mother in the situation doesn’t have to have an awkward conversation.

It’s not just a secret between OP, her DH and DC- it’s all the other people they’ve expected to lie for them.

Did you tell your family (the parents of the cousin) that this was to be kept a secret? If not then I don't think anyone has done anything wrong. Blended families aren't uncommon so it's perfectly reasonable to assume you would just be open about it.

I can understand why you are upset, but YABVU to expect apologies from anyone.
YWVU to not have told them previously. Not as some 'big reveal' , but just so they always knew and didn't think anything about it.

There was never a reason to tell the younger ones anything - they've never asked as there's been no reason to. She's their sister and that's it. Had their been a reason to say anything we would have I suppose

Of course there was a reason, its called keeping secrets and also telling the truth. Nothing ever good comes of keeping these type of family secrets. I'm in the same position, I have a 28, 19 and 13 year old. DH not first DS bio Dad, told the other 2 as soon as they were old enough to understand. Hes just their brother now, result is its no big deal.

Sorry OP, I think it’s totally your own fault for being dishonest with your children.
They wouldn’t have given two hoots if they’d always known it but now having been lied to and it revealed by wider family it will be an issue for them.

It’s not the fault of your wider family. By lying to them you ran the risk of them hearing it from someone else.

So you are upset that a child told your children something you should have told your children years ago?
Your niece/nephew did the right thing, children should never be expected to keep adults’ secrets. Fundamental safeguarding

I agree that it is unfair on other family members to be asked to keep a secret. I am in this position, the relative is now a young adult, and of course the appropriate time never came. I am very uncomfortable that I know information that he really should know. Totally unfair on everyone.

Keeping secrets is never worth it in the long run. If they had just known from being little it would just be general knowledge rather than something that needed to be revealed at sometime you decided was appropriate. Children grow up in all sorts of family dynamics without a problem they just accept it, the problem comes when they feel they have been lied to or kept in the dark.

@TillyTopper

To be told by an an cousin is horrible and the cousin shouldn't have done that. However, I have to ask why on earth you haven't told them way before now - clearly they were going to find out from some twat at sometime.

You are absolutely wrong, why should a child keep that secret? It’s was an adult’s unnecessary secret, not spoiling a birthday present surprise.

I'm really perplexed at the idea of telling kids "when they're old enough". I had 5 grandads when I was little (one obviously being a step grandad), and a number of aunts who were half-sisters of my dad. I don't remember there being any moment when I was told about how that side of my family was structured, I just grew to understand it fairly organically. It was never a secret, and nobody ever made a big thing about the fact that one of my grandads wasn't actually related to me. It was fine, I still called him grandad, and still think of him as a grandad.

But if I had only been told as an adult, I'd have felt that I'd been deceived. Such a small thing to be built up into such a big secret. It's crazy.

OP - I hope you apologise to your children for this.

@honeylulu

Well, she is their half sister. It's not a dirty word! It's accurate! Why do you feel it needed to be hushed up? Nothing at all shameful about it. Blended families are totally normal and hurrah for that.

Absolutely.

Reading between the lines, your ILs think your younger DCs should know. They’re probably right but it certainly wasn’t their place to tell them and definitely not in such a manner.

You mention the DCs being at an “impressionable age” well your eldest DD was also that age once and had to keep the secret to herself. If you thought she was old enough to keep it secret, then your youngest DCs are old enough to have it explained to them.

My DH found out his “Uncle” was actually his brother at the “uncle’s” wedding. The photographer called for the parents of the bride and groom to pose for photos, and off trotted MIL! No explanation or reference to it at all afterwards. They’re a funny lot though.

The ILs didn't tell though. A 12 year old did.

YABU. It was bound to come out one way or another.

Imagine how hard it would be in a few years if they did a family tree or needed a kidney, the secret would then be even more shocking.

Did their cousin know it was a secret? If so they've been unkind, if they didn't they're probably a bit perplexed as to why they're now in trouble.

You just need to be honest with kids to avoid this heartache and them then feeling that it's something wrong or shameful.

What benefit has there been to keeping this secret?

YABU, the truth will always out. Don't tell lies.
Your poor kids.

I got into trouble for talking to my cousin’s near adult children about her first wedding in the context of another family anecdote (ie. I didn’t purposefully set out to tell them it just came out in the timeline).

Major clanger.

She had never told them she had been married before she met their father.

Things like this should be out in the open from an early age do they never become a thing to be revealed.

Sorry, OP, I understand why you are upset, but this is down to you and dh being dishonest with your dc.

There was a very important reason to explain their sister's parentage: it's the truth. And other family members knew it. Somehow, someday, this was going to come out.

No one else deserves your anger. You and dh have some explaining to do.

Yabu why was it a secret anyway?! I grew up with 3 half siblings and 2 full siblings who by all accounts are all my real siblings we have never said half but that's what they are technically. Never needed to be a secret.