I wasn't told my DS had an accident

[Stickaround]

I wasn't sure where to post this so apologies if it's in the wrong place.

My DS6 has been at his Dad's the weekend just gone, back tomorrow.

I don't have any communication with his Dad, it all goes through his wife who I get on fairly well with.

I just had a text to say something along the lines of 'Just to let you know DS6 had an accident yesterday so we spent the afternoon in A&E. Thought bone may be broken but it's just a very bad sprain and he's got a few lumps and bruises'. I called her but no answer.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I should have been called from A&E to be told what had happened? DS6 is with me 60/40. I would appreciate other peoples opinions before I get hold of his wife.

Of course you should have been told your 6 year old was in A and E with a potential broken bone

Why? What could she have done? Why worry her unnecessarily?

@roses2

Would you call them if DS was in A&E? If yes then YANBU. If not then YABU.

This

DS6 is forever coming back with grazes and bumps when he's been there. His Dad just doesn't keep an eye on him as much as he should.

Considering that he is abusive, are you sure it's just laziness? I don't know what they look like (the bumps and grazes), and it's normal for children to get them when playing around (I certainly did), but I'd want to keep an eye for anything else or possible more serious risks he's taking.

DS would still want his mum if this happened to him
Ideally that's true, but currently they wouldn't allow both parents. Dad was there.

Without knowing the OP or her ex and how they would react it's hard to have a valid opinion.

Reading between the lines, one situation that might be the case is that perhaps the OP is the type to go steaming round immediately and create a scene and try to take the child away. Perhaps the ex would not have informed her deliberately to avoid this given the situation didn't require her involvement.

Personally I think if nothing was broken then it's fair enough, cut's and bruises are just part of childhood. If it turned out to be a broken bone or serious injury I would expect to be informed.

@NewUser123456789 I'm definitely not the type to go steaming round there!

@MintyMabel

Of course you should have been told your 6 year old was in A and E with a potential broken bone

Why? What could she have done? Why worry her unnecessarily?

In fairness OP is his parent and I think most parents would want to know if their child was in hospital under any circumstances, even if they can't be there.

All the people saying ‘why contact if she can’t do anything’ are completely missing the point. Only the doctors and nurses can do something in A & E but it doesn’t mean that we just leave them there!

We would want to know because as a parent if something serious happened to my child, like a broken leg, then I’d want to know. Because I don’t know... I gave birth to them and cared for them all their life?

Perhaps I would... I don’t know... what to tell my child that I loved them and send them a caring text or FaceTime?

Or give the option to my child of talking to me if they felt a bit weepy?

I suspect this is an indication OP that your Ex is indeed a bit of a mean person. It would have taken two seconds to send you a text.

@PreferToSitInTheShade

DS would still want his mum if this happened to him Ideally that's true, but currently they wouldn't allow both parents. Dad was there.

There is a lot that can be communicated in texts or a call even if his Mum couldn’t physically be there.

Thinking about it, I have 2 SCs and I don't think that my DP would text their mum for this kind of injury until he had an outcome either. Obviously would be different if it was something serious, but whether or not a bone is broken I guess can wait until he knows, rather than freak her out ahead of time.

So I guess it's a tough one as I can see both sides, as I know I'd want to know if I had a child in A&E, for whatever reason.

YANBU. I would expect to know ASAP if anything like this happens whilst DS7 is at his Dads.

We have a rule that we came up with after a similar incident. Anything life threatening communication straight away, anything that is an emergency or serious but not life threatening call within 4 hours of the incident and meet within 24 hours.

We don't have great communication, but this seems to work. Has only been tested once thankfully.

I don't think exDH was being unreasonable by not calling you at the hospital. However, I think you should have been contacted as soon as DS had been diagnosed - in this case, as they left the hospital.

My concern would be more that, with ExDH being emotionally abusive, it is another way that he can abuse you. By informing you by text and then not being available to pick up the phone afterwards, I would think perhaps the wife has contacted you without him knowing. I would be more concerned about whether your DS is being emotionally abused by DF than anything else. I don't think that, just because your DS ended up in A & E that your ExDH is being physically abusive - for people saying their DC have never had injuries warranting visits to A & E and that it sounds like abuse - some children are just accident-prone. I worked as an A & E Receptionist for a number of years and staff do monitor and flag up any visits that they feel may be of concern.

If I was OP, I would be inclined to contact ExDH wife at a time when he isn't likely to be be around and ask her what happened and why DS is not allowed to contact DM when with DF.

@MintyMabel

Of course you should have been told your 6 year old was in A and E with a potential broken bone

Why? What could she have done? Why worry her unnecessarily?

A sprain is likely to be a far longer term injury.

It usually result in the damage of liguments, tissue and/or cartilage which cant just be fixed by a cast... its a worse injury and bigger worry in the long run so she hasnt been 'spared' anything and will still have to deal with a child in pain but the child has been withheld from contacting his mam about a major moment in his life which is abusive.

YANBU of course you should have been told. If he was abusive it sounds like he sees not contacting you and then not giving the full story is so you worry in the future about your sons time at his. If your son wants to call you but his dad won't let him I think that is emotionally abusive to the child. I wonder if your son will vote with his feet and minimise contact when the courts deem him old enough for his feelings to be taken into consideration.

For the people who are saying a broken bone is nothing my neighbours son broke his arm and had a cast put on.He went to an checkup and the bones had moved so he had an operation with pins and plates. The hospital said he mustn't get pushed or fall over so the school have said they will send work home. She has to go to work out of the house and is having a breakdown trying to find and pay for childcare as well as getting time off to go to appointments. It's a long way from the conversation we originally had about how lucky she was that the cast came off before her holiday.

I have older children with my ex and younger children with my DH, if any of my children had an accident resulting in a hospital visit while in the care of their dad, I would want to know at the time. It takes moments to inform the other parent, can't see any valid reason why you wouldn't.

To those saying it's one person only so the other parent is surplus to requirements, waiting times can be ridiculously long or DC might want the comfort of the other parent. Being on hand to attend the hospital could be beneficial for both parties.

The injury was serious enough to warrant an a&e visit, therefore noteworthy enough to inform the other parent.

@changedusername2021

He hadn't broken anything

Why? What could she have done? Why worry her unnecessarily?

This isn't the child's doddery old grandmother! It's his mother!!!

I think it's the height of selfishness for posters to say they'd prefer to not have the upset of knowing if their child was hurt on the other parent's watch. It's still your child and they probably still would appreciate a video chat at the very least. They are not little schizophrenics! They need continuity of care.

Also, you never know following an injury. The other parent has a right to know at once. If only to start altering the diary as a sprain can be a much greater inconvenience than a broken bone.

No wonder our children are experiencing a mental health epidemic with such selfish adults in their lives.

Of course any decent parent would have let you know. In your child's interests if for no other reason.
Is he controlling his current wife too OP?

You should of been informed. All parents should be informed if their child needs a trip to the hospital.

I have a DSS he hurt his arm previously and we text his mum to let her know.

If he is staying with us and unwell I also tell her.

I've still no idea what happened! Very frustrating.

@Stickaround

I've still no idea what happened! Very frustrating.

That’s outrageous OP. Is your son back?

@101kids No he's due back later today!

As you told them dd's broken arm when it happened, they should have given you the same courtesy.

I would ask them to let you know when something like this happens.

If they don't then stop as well.