I wasn't told my DS had an accident

[Stickaround]

I wasn't sure where to post this so apologies if it's in the wrong place.

My DS6 has been at his Dad's the weekend just gone, back tomorrow.

I don't have any communication with his Dad, it all goes through his wife who I get on fairly well with.

I just had a text to say something along the lines of 'Just to let you know DS6 had an accident yesterday so we spent the afternoon in A&E. Thought bone may be broken but it's just a very bad sprain and he's got a few lumps and bruises'. I called her but no answer.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I should have been called from A&E to be told what had happened? DS6 is with me 60/40. I would appreciate other peoples opinions before I get hold of his wife.

I am with the YANBU camp. Honestly! The first thing I do if either of mine have an accident is ring their dad, yes we are married but that's neither here nor there, he's equally their parent. If one of my kids was injured, enough to warrant a trip to hospital, I would want to know immediately, even if Covid wouldn't let me through the door. It's a bloody curtesy! I'm shocked so many think it's fine!

I would speak to EXDW and say that you're glad he's ok, but would appreciate finding out earlier next time, like when he was taken to hospital, and you will do the same if the shoe is ever on the other foot.

I would be so upset in your shoes. I think you should be calm, as others have said and say in future you would appreciate being told at the time.

I'd want to know if my child was in hospital, not so I could go in and take-over or whatever, but I find it weird people don't find it strange not to say. Even a quick text.

I think they did the right thing. It sounds like a fairly minor accident, not a matter of life and death. There was nothing you could have done that his dad wasn't already doing. They were probably focussed on your child. His dad should be trusted to parent him as he sees fit.

You say you only communicate through your sons stepmom not directly, to his dad, your ex. Is that because you and the dad don't get on well? If so it makes even more sense that they didn't call you. They wanted to avoid the extra hassle and drama of a possible argument. An afternoon in A&E with an injured child is stressful enough without that.

Just thank god you were spared the worry and that he is ok now, that's what matters here.

Of COURSE you should have been phoned! What kind of cold parent doesn't ask if their small child would like to speak to their other parent (at any point but especially when at A&E)

@NormanStangerson

It wasn't broken

Agree the responses on here are weird.. of course you should have been told! I’m still with my DP and he’s an absolutely amazing dad, with our children 24/7 but I still don’t think it would be appropriate for him to not tell me if one of them needed to go to a&e?! I have total faith in him being able to handle it... but I deserve to know and sometimes children want their mum when injured or scared.

YANBU. I can't believe some people wouldn't want to be told that their child is badly injured enough to need to go to A&E. I would want to be told immediately and I would tell my ex straight away if our child was injured.

I would tell your ex's wife that you would like to be told straight away if anything like this happens again. It's not an unreasonable request.

Out of all the AIBU I have read on here this is by far the most you are NOT in a long time!

Yes you should have been told, in fact his father should have been on the phone to you as soon as he had rung for the ambulance or if he took him, himself as soon as he was able.

I cannot fathom why anyone thinks you are being unreasonable.

Why is he not allowed to call you when with his dad? How bizarre. Hope your son is okay, @Stickaround.

I’d have gone absolutely batshit. More about the fact that your dc had suffered a serious accident resulting in a very painful, potentially serious injury. My dc would have been distraught having that happen to them and not being able to contact their mum. Can’t believe some of the answers on here

I think you should have been told. Children very often want mum when in pain and scared.
I have been in this situation and my ex and his wife just picked me up on the way to A&E with dd.

I don't think you are being unreasonable @Stickaround.

It seems like it is part of a bigger problem-Ex not allowing DS to contact you when he is with him is controlling and horrible. Can you give DS a mobile?

Then to get a message like this with very little actual info would be frustrating and scary-and Ex withholding info and not communicating more is essentially controlling you.

It doesn't even say what kind of accident or give any details to reassure-this drip feeding (unless it did say more and you just didn't post it all)
is not meant to make you feel better or bring you in to the loop-just enough info that he could say he told you without actually filling you in.

I would def keep it civil with his wife as currently she is your best ally in the shared parenting-and I fear if things are that bad with Ex that he is unlikely to change his behaviour but it might be worth spelling out how in future you would appreciate any hospitalisation would result in you being informed in a more timely fashion.

They were dealing with him. They told you when they knew what had actually happened. I think that’s fair enough actually. It’s not like he had a head injury and they didn’t bother mentioning it.

I would expect to be told 100%

I get your issue and I’d want to know. However he is fine, there is no issue and they were dealing with it, and didn’t worry you. You couldn’t have gone anyway. Just say look id appreciate you telling me at the time next time, and then you make sure to do the same.

@LyndaMcLynda

Yes you should have been told. I know that even if he is with his dad, DS would still want his mum if this happened to him.

I'm worried that this is projecting the idea that only mums can do the caring bits. Perhaps part of the reason for not contacting from the hospital is that dad was worried that mum would insist on coming because "only mum will do".

I can see that if it's a young child and they are with mum the vast majority of the time, there might be a case for getting mum there sooner, but this is a 60/40 split, so the child sees almost as much of dad.

The other problem is that once you've told the other parent you're at A&E, you then need to keep them updated; much simpler to wait until you've got the verdict from the medics.

I think if the bone is broken then they should have called you but if it’s a strained ankle then it’s not necessary

I would 100% expect to be told at the time and I would tell my ex-husband straight away. I know he would also want to know straight away and would be upset if I told him the day after. Anything else is just odd. You are not being unreasonable.

@Mydarlingmyhamburger

I’d have gone absolutely batshit. More about the fact that your dc had suffered a serious accident resulting in a very painful, potentially serious injury. My dc would have been distraught having that happen to them and not being able to contact their mum. Can’t believe some of the answers on here

If I'd expected you to be like this poster op then I would have told you after the fact.

I think the problem is that it's him still being emotionally abusive .
I dont think you should lose it with his wife because what is done is done and you will gain nothing from doing so, but make it clear that in the future you would want to know, the truth is you need her onside as your ex is such a dick.

To all the posters saying it doesn't matter the OP wasn't told til after, is it because he was with his dad? If he was being looked after by a friend, a babysitter, at school would your reactions be different then?

@Stickaround

I wasn't sure where to post this so apologies if it's in the wrong place.

My DS6 has been at his Dad's the weekend just gone, back tomorrow.

I don't have any communication with his Dad, it all goes through his wife who I get on fairly well with.

I just had a text to say something along the lines of 'Just to let you know DS6 had an accident yesterday so we spent the afternoon in A&E. Thought bone may be broken but it's just a very bad sprain and he's got a few lumps and bruises'. I called her but no answer.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I should have been called from A&E to be told what had happened? DS6 is with me 60/40. I would appreciate other peoples opinions before I get hold of his wife.

I think what ‘some’ of the dimwits here cannot understand is that a parent wanted to be with their child when their DC was in A&E. to be informed is the least you can ask for. How can you want anything else regardless of the other parents intentions. A parent who is involved in caring for the child is of course going to want to be there when a child is going through a severe trauma. Be it a father or mother. Some of you must be very cool hearted to tell her otherwise. And I agree with previous posters who said to go in with a cool mind, not go in guns blazing. Maintain that great relationship with the stepmother and ask after some time, if something similar happens and when they have reached A&E and ‘when the time is right’ to be informed. After the fact is kind of poor communication unless they couldn’t get through. In which case a text or msg is in order.

I too think you should have been told, but I think it's unreasonable that your ex's new wife is in charge of letting you know. Even if you get on reasonably well. I feel a bit sorry for her, as she's most likely stuck in the middle of what she thinks is right (contacting you), and what her husband thinks is right (not contacting you). She's not the person to blame.

@LeftyLou

To all the posters saying it doesn't matter the OP wasn't told til after, is it because he was with his dad? If he was being looked after by a friend, a babysitter, at school would your reactions be different then?

Yes my answer is based on the fact he was with his father who is presumably based on the contact agreement a capable and responsible parent.

@LeftyLou @mumsiedarlingrevolta DS has never been allowed to contact me when with his Dad. I'm not sure he'd know how to use a mobile! He does have an iPad for FaceTime but my number is blocked on there whilst he's at his Dads

I absolutely would expect to be texted or called - not the minute it happened but certainly soon after. I’d expect to have a chance to speak to my child too.