I wasn't told my DS had an accident

[Stickaround]

I wasn't sure where to post this so apologies if it's in the wrong place.

My DS6 has been at his Dad's the weekend just gone, back tomorrow.

I don't have any communication with his Dad, it all goes through his wife who I get on fairly well with.

I just had a text to say something along the lines of 'Just to let you know DS6 had an accident yesterday so we spent the afternoon in A&E. Thought bone may be broken but it's just a very bad sprain and he's got a few lumps and bruises'. I called her but no answer.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I should have been called from A&E to be told what had happened? DS6 is with me 60/40. I would appreciate other peoples opinions before I get hold of his wife.

I opened this thread and wondered what the hell was going on, what parent doesn't want to know if their child has suffered an injury serious enough to warrant a hospital visit?

I can understand a delay whilst getting the child to A+E and seen by a doctor but after that a phone call to let you know what happens seems perfectly reasonable. I think I would have been annoyed by a text too and the fact that when you called, to find it what happened, the phone went unanswered.

As for the "stand down" responses, how incredibly rude and patronising.

If it had been an accident which resulted in aometbjng serious, and he was being taken into surgery then absolutely they should have called. But this was a kid getting a bit of a bump, and they dealt with it. After the tests, if it turned out to be broken then of course they should call but just taking him up to get checked, with a 60/40 split, then you didnt need to he called straight away for something that minor.

The trouble is, they didn't know it was minor till he had been examined. They couldn't discount the possibility of internal bleeding, for instance. Of course they should have called. Plus, given that OP's DS is only 6 and scared of hospitals, they should have considered whether it was a time when he really needed his mum with him.

I have a great co-parenting relationship with my ex (we have 50/50 every other week custody) and I would be fine with him telling me about an accident after the fact providing it was non-serious, especially at the moment when I couldn't fo anything anyway because I would rather know that there was an issue that has been resolved than be told there is an issue and then have to worry about updates when I might not be able to leave what I'm doing.

DD broke her wrist a couple of years ago when she was with her dad - an unfortunate accident at the playground when she was messing around with friends. I was abroad at the time. He took her to hospital, she was X-rayed and casted and he messaged me when they got out a few hours later. I was fine with that because I couldn't have done anything anyway and it was a fairly straightforward situation.

Another occasion when DD was little she was blue lighted to hospital as she was having seizures. They turned out to be febrile convulsions from her having the flu. I called ExDH as soon as we got to the hospital and the doctors were assessing her because it was a serious situation (at the time we didn't know how serious it might be) and we clearly weren't going to be going home any time soon so he should be kept up to date of the situation. He came straight up to the hospital and stayed the rest of the day until she was stabilised and sent up to the paediatric ward at which point we could then have a discussion about how best to arrange our schedules to ensure one of us was with her at all times but we both had time to get some rest and deal with anything else we needed to do.

My SD dislocated her knee on a bouncy castle when she was nine. In huge pain, A&E, cast etc. My DH's ex didn't call him, DD did when she got home with a cast. Him rushing to hospital wouldn't have helped, and she was getting the care she needed. No biggie.

If you'd rather be informed at the time, then by all means say so, but for a pretty 'standard' kid injury I wouldn't make a massive fuss. Now a head injury...that requires a phone call.

Was there anything you could have done to help at the time? I think just saying you'd prefer to be contacted at the time is perfectly fine, but if they were focussing on your sons needs first and foremost a delay in communications has to be expected to some extent

With the amount of time spent sitting waiting at hospitals?

She's the kids mother ffs. Like fuck would anyone on here be happy to be told of something like this at handover. If they were, I'd think them pretty neglectful tbh.

So the accident happened yesterday and you were only contacted today, if that is the case YANBU to be upset.

There is nothing to be gained by alienating the one person you have a reasonable relationship with (ie. the new wife)

I would have said 'I hope he wasn't too upset in the hospital, please know you can call me in the future if you think he was and I would come hospital permitting'

One of the issues here is, op doesn’t know how it happened and hasn’t been able to get a response from them since? Surely an update on how he is now, isn’t unreasonable?

You should have been told by his dad, when they got home from a&e. His wife, however lovely she is, is not responsible for relaying messages like that. You may have separated but you have a child together and are presumably both adults. Why can't you behave like civilised ones and talk to each other? I feel sad for your son.

He's your baby! Of course YANBU

I would absolutely want to know if it was my child-and I would have let the father know ASAP if it was the other way round. Its not a grazed knee it's potentially a broken limb and would have been very distressing for the child

@Hallyup6 Thank you for your comment but it is not me that is not 'civilised'. My ex is abusive and there has to be a third party involved. His wife volunteered and that was agreed. It seems to work well.

YANBU.

It sounds like maybe she was caught in the middle, perhaps, and that ex was the one saying not to contact you. Especially as you mentioned he blocks the child from contacting you, in normal times, which is very mean.

I hope that he is okay.

@roses2

Would you call them if DS was in A&E? If yes then YANBU. If not then YABU.

This.

For what it's worth I do think they should have informed you at the time OP, but given that all has turned out OK this time it has luckily just turned into saving you a lot of worry over nothing.

I would leave it until drop off and then speak to him/her in person and say that if anything like this happens again you'd appreciate being told at the time rather than afterwards. Or if you won't see them in person, send that via text now.

Can’t believe all the stand downs

Yes I would like to know if my dd was in hospital

Tho guess under COVID you wouldn’t been allowed in there and maybe he was trying to save you from worrying as couldn’t be there

But why didn’t they tell you yesterday once home

Hi @Stickaround Just wanted to say you have my full sympathy.

I also have an xH who was emotionally abusive and coercive and trying to co-parent with them is really hard. Recently my DS12 had an injury after falling from a slide while at Dads and I didn't find out about it until 3 days later when he came to me. Luckily the injury was minor and in my case child a little older. I was still fuming though.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to be upset - but unfortunately though there's really nothing you can do about it. You can ask the new wife to contact you sooner next time - but in reality there's no guarantee that they would do that.

Try to just take a breath and be thankful on this occasion nothing serious had happened and concentrate on caring for your kids while they were with you.

I would chalk the accident down to experience TBH as it's really just a waste of your time to argue about it now. I would perhaps try and pursue the idea of letting your son contact you while he is with them though - Like you say at his age a mobile of his own may not be appropriate (or affordable) but perhaps your son could borrow his step mums phone to call you at a set time perhaps?

You are not being unreasonable OP. Of course you should have been contacted as soon as they could - which considering there is always a wait in A&E is the latest as soon as they got there.

My Ex is pretty awful, and very argumentative so we don’t have any communication. However even I would text him from A&E it’s his child FFS.

I would want to know at the time. But, if you don’t communicate with Dad, how would you be at the hospital together?
Perhaps ask that in future they tell you. But, you’ll have to call him if an accident happened on your watch.

Sounds like the step mum is the one who does everything when your dc visit their dad.
Yes, I'd flip, but no way would I be communicating through the wife.
Poor child, having to live without the parents talking, but a step mother having to sort it all.

I would rather know that there was an issue that has been resolved than be told there is an issue and then have to worry about updates when I might not be able to leave what I'm doing. That might be some people’s view, but anything requiring emergency treatment I cannot fathom why a parent would not want to know or to wait. Of course it’s worrying, but as parents we want to know because they are our children. Right away!

DS had a season ticket at a & e from about aged 4 - in summer we could have had coffee mornings meeting other dms of dc (boys nearly always) in his class at a &e.
As pp said they dealt with it properly at the time when they were uncertain & even if they had rang & worried you -you wouldn't have been allowed in a & e because of covid. They let you know the result by text (probably worried about your reaction although it might have been better to ring) & as ds is OK. I think the thing that you need to take from this is they did the right thing in taking him to a & e & if this was in reverse - would you have contacted your ex before taking him there or after when you knew what was wrong or in this case that ds is OK? & he is ds father after all. & they did tell you
Be aware if this is ds first a & e visit it probably won't be his last
Slight aside! DS had asthma very badly - & was on medication which really helped - he did a tumble & landed up with some terrific bruises & scrapes before visiting the asthma nurse - she took one look & said "AH -I see his lungs are working well!"

I also think that a parent who is not the main carer, is failing in his duty of care if something serious happens to the child and that child isn’t given the option of his main carer - either to contact or to go home early or whatever.

My child would definitely want me around if he’d broken a leg. Even if on the end of the phone, even if it was after being seen by the doctor and cosy at home. He loves his Dad but he’s not around enough to be as secure as me, and would probably just need a bit of a FaceTime chat.

He still is being an emotionally abusive prick OP and his wife is now playing the same game by not picking up when you rang.

Ex and I would absolutely call to say if one of our kids were at A&E. not send a ambiguous message then not pick up.

Honestly if I was with a man and his child wasn’t allowed to speak to his mum whilst there I’d run a mile. That’s not healthy. Christ my four year old harasses her dad on Alexa when she’s here. If they want to speak to their parents there should be no obstruction.

OP your not wrong. But your gonna have to chalk this down to ex controlling the situation again. Sit tight and see what explanation is given at drop off - and I’d expect a full account incase you need to take him back!