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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I wasn't told my DS had an accident

202 replies

Stickaround · 24/05/2021 13:41

I wasn't sure where to post this so apologies if it's in the wrong place.

My DS6 has been at his Dad's the weekend just gone, back tomorrow.

I don't have any communication with his Dad, it all goes through his wife who I get on fairly well with.

I just had a text to say something along the lines of 'Just to let you know DS6 had an accident yesterday so we spent the afternoon in A&E. Thought bone may be broken but it's just a very bad sprain and he's got a few lumps and bruises'. I called her but no answer.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I should have been called from A&E to be told what had happened? DS6 is with me 60/40. I would appreciate other peoples opinions before I get hold of his wife.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 24/05/2021 14:02

Don't make this into a big thing. It is a kid thing!
I can't begin to understand what these means, in the context of a 6 year old's broken bone. Mystifying.

JackieTheFart · 24/05/2021 14:03

I don't see why you would expect a call for a potential broken bone, a serious accident of course but not a broken bone

What a bizarre thing to think. Broken bones can be extremely serious, and regardless, most children would have found a FaceTime at the very least a comfort.

I’d expect anyone with my child in their care to let me know at the time.

AnAwesomePossum · 24/05/2021 14:05

I agree that there are some odd answers here. A quick phone call or text from the waiting room isn’t a lot to expect. This is your 6 year old DC. Of course you should know if they end up in A&E. YANBU.

EnglishRain · 24/05/2021 14:08

YANBU. DD is only 10 months but I would absolutely expect to be told at the time. Even if you can't be with him, you know about it in case he suddenly wants you or becomes more poorly than initially thought. Without that knowledge you can't be on high alert to be there if needed. I imagine a lot of small children want their mum or dad or both when they've hurt themselves.

Starlight39 · 24/05/2021 14:10

I'd be really really upset not to be contacted in the event of an A&E trip, broken bone or not and my DS is 9. I wouldn't expect to actually go there to be with him or anything and would trust my ex to deal with it but I'd just want to know. And I always let ex know if anything is wrong with DS - a bug, illness, accident etc. Much smaller issues than requiring an A&E trip.

I'd try to be calm when discussing with them but would definitely open a discussion on when to inform the other parent of an issue/illness/accident.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/05/2021 14:13

@GreyhoundG1rl

Don't make this into a big thing. It is a kid thing! I can't begin to understand what these means, in the context of a 6 year old's broken bone. Mystifying.
It means that with the outcome as it is it is not a big deal, it is one of those things that happens to lots of kids. An accident that was dealt with appropriately.

We, and OP, can only assume that had the outcome been different then the SM would have acted differently. But it wasn't, so she didn't!

It would be appropriate to have a discussion about communication. But not to 'go postal' because of this!

Not all that mistifying!

rwalker · 24/05/2021 14:14

I would of taken DS to A and E found out what it was
broken bane rang you
bruise sprain told you later

Cookies2523 · 24/05/2021 14:14

Oh my god! Some people on this thread are complete nutters! Why would any sane person think that you should not have been informed? Of course you should've been phoned at the time. YANBU!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 24/05/2021 14:14

Stand down 🤣 ffs do people actually say things like that irl?

Of course they should have told you. He's your child. Sometimes mn is a fucking parallel universe where you are supposed to completely forget your children even exist when they are at their dads 🙄

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/05/2021 14:15

Sure, but the question was "Do you think they should have let me know?"
Not "Should I go postal on their ass?"

1forAll74 · 24/05/2021 14:15

I would say, that everything was dealt with properly. by the adults in charge. If it had been a more serious issue,you probably would have been contacted straight away.

Candyfloss99 · 24/05/2021 14:18

Before you get hold of his wife? What is that supposed to mean? It is not her fault that you can't seem to communicate with the father of your child.

PegPeople · 24/05/2021 14:18

@Cookies2523

Oh my god! Some people on this thread are complete nutters! Why would any sane person think that you should not have been informed? Of course you should've been phoned at the time. YANBU!
Is there any need to imply those who think what happened was acceptable are not sane or are nutters?

Its perfectly possible to have different opinions and not resort to name calling.

Sally872 · 24/05/2021 14:18

If it were more serious, then yes I would expect to be told. For a suspected broken bone I think being told after is ok when parents don't speak. Also it is likely your ex decision so unfair to complain to his partner.

Understandingnotignorance · 24/05/2021 14:18

You most definitely should have been told. I would completely expect to be informed!!

mumsie8 · 24/05/2021 14:18

Surely if the OP was still together with her now ex partner and their child had an accident then either partner would let the other know? Why is this situation any different?
They are still parents, working together for the best of their child regardless of the status of their relationship.
If it were my child i would want to be told in the moment and not as some sort of afterthought, with no detail or depth and i wouldn't see it as them saving me from worrying or the fact that it's their 'time' therefore i don't need to know right then. This isn't about not trusting an ex or what goes on within their time with their child but more a sense of keeping everyone in the loop around pretty relevant information around a child who they both love and care about.

Original poster
Stickaround · 24/05/2021 14:20

Thanks for all of your responses.

For the person that said about me not having 'an amicable grown up parenting relationship' - no we don't have this due to my ex being emotionally abusive. Hence the no contact.

My DS is extremely attached to me but is not allowed to call me when he is with his Dad. I feel quite upset at the thought of him being in hospital and not being able to speak to me, even if I wouldn't have been allowed to go.

I wasn't planning on kicking off with his wife - I just felt I should have maybe been informed at the time.

I would have called my ex's wife if the situation had been reversed.

Interesting mix of opinions!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickaround · 24/05/2021 14:21

@Candyfloss99 It was just an expression - I meant before I call her.

OP posts:
Youdoyoutoday · 24/05/2021 14:22

OMG I'd go mental, you should have been called whilst they were on the way to the hospital and some of these responses are just nuts!

I know kids fall over and get hurt but if it's important enough for them to go to hospital, it's important enough for you to be contacted, it really is that simple.

NormanStangerson · 24/05/2021 14:23

@luckylavender

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable OP. Some of these answers are weird. Hope your DS is ok.
I totally agree with this.

To the poster berating you OP for expecting a call for a broken bone...You wouldn’t want to know before your kid came home in plaster? Confused you don’t think that’s a serious accident?

Some people on here must be contrary for shits and giggles.

randomkey123 · 24/05/2021 14:24

I'd be really upset to be told the next day.

Communication should be between you and your ex though, not his wife. You are parents to a child together, and have to keep an open line of communication for situations like this.

halcyondays · 24/05/2021 14:24

Yanbu. You should have been told at the time and been able to speak to him on the phone.

chickensandbees · 24/05/2021 14:25

My DD was 1 and got her finger trapped in a door, my DH took her to A&E, got it xrayed etc. I didn't find out until I got home from work. I was fine with this, he was looking after her, I couldn't have got there quickly so ringing me would have created upset for no purpose.

MirroredWindows · 24/05/2021 14:25

If my child had been taken to hospital I would want to be informed yes, irrelevant of the reason why and especially at 6 years old.

Both me and my ex have dropped a quick text to the other in similar circumstances.

Doesn't mean I would necessarily do anything, but to be told is just common parental courtesy surely?

StyleAndLasers · 24/05/2021 14:25

@Youdoyoutoday

OMG I'd go mental, you should have been called whilst they were on the way to the hospital and some of these responses are just nuts!

I know kids fall over and get hurt but if it's important enough for them to go to hospital, it's important enough for you to be contacted, it really is that simple.

I completely agree. I am not separated from my husband but say he had taken our sons out for the day and one ended up in A and E I would expect him to call me, probably to say they were going to A and E but certainly once there. And of course he would do that. Or if I was out with friends, or away on a work trip, the same. I can't see how being separated changes that.
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