I wasn't told my DS had an accident

[Stickaround]

I wasn't sure where to post this so apologies if it's in the wrong place.

My DS6 has been at his Dad's the weekend just gone, back tomorrow.

I don't have any communication with his Dad, it all goes through his wife who I get on fairly well with.

I just had a text to say something along the lines of 'Just to let you know DS6 had an accident yesterday so we spent the afternoon in A&E. Thought bone may be broken but it's just a very bad sprain and he's got a few lumps and bruises'. I called her but no answer.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I should have been called from A&E to be told what had happened? DS6 is with me 60/40. I would appreciate other peoples opinions before I get hold of his wife.

@Stickaround is he back at School and no you are not being unreasonable to expect a call, you are co-parent.

Why haven’t they told you how it happened, again surely that’s just courtesy. Stick junior tripped (or whatever happened), hurt his leg, we are just getting it checked and will let you know how it goes, I can’t see why that is difficult or unreasonable.

I wouldn't have expected to be called until they knew what was going on. In this case, when they knew what was going on it was just a sprain.

Nothing weird/insane/parallel universe about that regardless of what other posters want to make up.

@Feedingthebirds1 He doesn't understand why he's not allowed to ring me. I know he would like to sometimes if he could, as he's said it makes him sad.

What’s with all these “stand down” comments?
They thought it was a broken bone so they took him to A&E. it’s not a minor thing. It could potentially require surgery. It could impact school for the rest of term or put him out of sports. And it’s really sore. The mum should be told on the day it happens at the very least.

I don't particularly think you should have been called for a sprain, which needed to be x-rayed to be sure it wasn't broken. That's the sort of thing that happens loads to children. I might have expected a called after they'd been to the hospital and knew things were fine, rather than the next day, but even that doesn't seem too bad if you actually trust the people who are looking after him. It's nothing that needed your input into decision making, given that nothing was wrong, and nothing you could have done that they couldn't have done. If it were something more serious, where decisions had to be made, or where he was ill and it wasn't clear what was wrong, etc, that would be different, but this sounds OK. You'd just worry for no reason, or you'd look like you don't trust them, which isn't going to help co-parenting relationships. It's not like they deliberately hid it from you or anything, which would be problematic. It just wasn't to your preferred time scale.

I’d expect to be told at the time, I would certainly inform my kids other parent once at the hospital regardless of the situation. I still text him and let him know if kids are off school sick to be honest, just think it’s a common courtesy.

I broke my wrist a couple of weeks ago and called my mum because I knew she'd want to know and I wanted some sympathy!! And I manged to keep my husband informed of my progress easily, so I'm sure it wasn't that both adults were so busy that they couldn't physically find time to send a message.

Even if he didn't want to call you for emotional reasons (yours or your son's), I would have appreciated a call to let me know so that I could check we have paracetamol etc and to make their favourite dinner or something that can be eaten one-handed etc. There are practicalities to be considered that are a lot easier to prepare for if you're kept informed.

I can't see if you've said whether the step mum has other children? Or is she taking her lead mostly from your husband when it comes to your son?

If you would have genuinely taken the time with an injured child to call his dad even though only 1 of you can be at a&e then yes he should have told you. I find I go into panic mode and try to focus on my child in those situations so probably wouldn't have called until we was home and I knew he was ok.

Personally I think it's abusive that he's 'not allowed' to contact you - his own mother - while he's there at his dad's. I know you've probably been though the fucking mill already with this man but I'd be thinking of getting some kind of court directive that this is out of order.
And yes they should have told you, and you should certainly have been told what's actually happened - which you haven't yet, right?
It all sounds dreadful to me and controlling on your exes part.

@SoupDragon

I wouldn't have expected to be called until they knew what was going on. In this case, when they knew what was going on it was just a sprain.

Nothing weird/insane/parallel universe about that regardless of what other posters want to make up.

No, it is weird, regardless of what other posters want to pretend. It's also weird and very controlling that you'd ds is banned from contacting you while at his dad's. That's an awful way to treat a child. They should be free to contact their parents whenever they want.

Your, not you'd

@Starlight39

I'd be really really upset not to be contacted in the event of an A&E trip, broken bone or not and my DS is 9. I wouldn't expect to actually go there to be with him or anything and would trust my ex to deal with it but I'd just want to know. And I always let ex know if anything is wrong with DS - a bug, illness, accident etc. Much smaller issues than requiring an A&E trip.

I'd try to be calm when discussing with them but would definitely open a discussion on when to inform the other parent of an issue/illness/accident.

This exactly. Some posters are way too relaxed about this. It's common courtesy!

Of course I'd expect to be contacted if my child were to end up in A&E. Understandable if they didn't contact you right in the middle of everything as the main priority would be your child - but definitely after just to keep you in the loop, not as a "oh by the way" thing.

All these answers suggesting you shouldn't have been contacted because they were dealing with it, and you wouldn't have been able to do anything are very odd indeed.

YANBU

If a child ends up in hospital, it’s the bare minimum to let the other parent know ASAP.

The parents saying 'no it was dealt with fine' are nuts.

Would you also be fine if you showed up to pick your child up from school and they where handed over in a new cast, all fine though because a teacher/gardian took them to A&E without telling you?

Or if they came back from their grandparents with stiches from a dog bite or something you hadnt been informed of?

I grew up between homes and damn sure when anything happened when staying with our dads/grandparents our mam was the FIRST person informed.

Same way if anything happens now I phone DH straight away, its basic respect for each other when it comes to the children we SHARE.

If I was not told that my son was in A&E in pain I would be livid. Can't believe so many people wouldn't mind not being told until the following day. Absolutely bizarre. YANBU what so ever.

@SoupDragon

I wouldn't have expected to be called until they knew what was going on. In this case, when they knew what was going on it was just a sprain.

Nothing weird/insane/parallel universe about that regardless of what other posters want to make up.

I would have had a ring that go at anyone in charge in my dc doing that.

Sorry but we are talking about a young child there.
As one of the parent, I would have wanted to be kept in the loop AS WELL AS been able to have a say on procedures etc.. if necessary.

All good if the child only has a few bruises. But especially when parents have split up and have each parental responsibility, it is even more essential to let the other parent in the know.

Why is everyone assuming the child was traumatised, distraught etc? I’ve taken a child into A&E with a suspected broken limb. They weren’t particularly upset once they’d had some calpol, no ambulances etc were required and they really didn’t need their other parent. I begin to see why A&E units are usually so full of spectators and whole families when you see how many people are making a ridiculous drama about a fairly minor injury- if it’s actually a sprain then it was hardly a huge emergency. If the child was seriously unwell obviously it would be a different matter, but in these circumstances there weren’t treatment options or anything to discuss.

Child was with a parent, it’s totally different to being with a babysitter or other family member - Dad has parental responsibility presumably and can consent to treatment etc just as well as OP can. He has the child 40% of the time, he’s hardly an occasional parent. He sounds very unpleasant, but on the face of your original post I still say you’re overreacting.

I don't know any parent who would not want to know their child was in A&E.

It doesn't matter who was there etc, he's your child you should have been informed.

It takes seconds to text someone to tell them. There does not have to be a huge discussion at the time, just basic manners to inform the other parent.

If any of my children were brought to A&E and no one told me I'd be pretty pissed off.

The wife sounds nice, it sounds like you have a good relationship with her, if it were me I'd just say, thanks for telling me, if anything like this happens again I'd appreciate a quick text.

Your ex sounds like a knob, I'd be sorting out that blocking your child from contacting you.

@Goodweatherforsnails My DS6 was seriously poorly a couple of years ago which involved a hospital stay and has resulted in check ups there ever since. I have taken him to each appointment since and I can honestly say that DS seems to be terrified of hospitals now!

@Goodweatherforsnails

Why is everyone assuming the child was traumatised, distraught etc? I’ve taken a child into A&E with a suspected broken limb. They weren’t particularly upset once they’d had some calpol, no ambulances etc were required and they really didn’t need their other parent. I begin to see why A&E units are usually so full of spectators and whole families when you see how many people are making a ridiculous drama about a fairly minor injury- if it’s actually a sprain then it was hardly a huge emergency. If the child was seriously unwell obviously it would be a different matter, but in these circumstances there weren’t treatment options or anything to discuss.

Child was with a parent, it’s totally different to being with a babysitter or other family member - Dad has parental responsibility presumably and can consent to treatment etc just as well as OP can. He has the child 40% of the time, he’s hardly an occasional parent. He sounds very unpleasant, but on the face of your original post I still say you’re overreacting.

Probably because each of us have different experiences. I’ve taken my dcs to AE for suspected broken bone, head injury etc... yea they found it ‘traumatic’ in that it’s an experience they still remember about as teenager (they were similar age than the OP or younger). One of them freaked out completely. It’s not always just about the pain bit about the whole experience of actually going to AE.

As for ‘the child was with a parent’, the child was with a parent that stops their child from ringing the OP even though they want to. A parent that thinks it’s ok to make that child sad just what? A power trip of some sort.
And one that is unable to act like an adult and actually be able to talk to the other parent.

I’d be more uneasy of a parent acting like this than I would if it was my more DH.

@VanillaFlat

I don't particularly think you should have been called for a sprain, which needed to be x-rayed to be sure it wasn't broken. That's the sort of thing that happens loads to children. I might have expected a called after they'd been to the hospital and knew things were fine, rather than the next day, but even that doesn't seem too bad if you actually trust the people who are looking after him. It's nothing that needed your input into decision making, given that nothing was wrong, and nothing you could have done that they couldn't have done. If it were something more serious, where decisions had to be made, or where he was ill and it wasn't clear what was wrong, etc, that would be different, but this sounds OK. You'd just worry for no reason, or you'd look like you don't trust them, which isn't going to help co-parenting relationships. It's not like they deliberately hid it from you or anything, which would be problematic. It just wasn't to your preferred time scale.

'thats the sort of thing that happens to loads of children'

Never happened to any of mine, or me as a child or my siblings, my husband had this at the age of 25 after falling down the steps at a pub (so not a child and he still complains of pain issues from the soft tissue damage 10 years later so not just something you get over either) but non of his siblings ever had that either.

I certainly wouldnt say its common childhood injury (what are your children doing to spain themselves to bad they need xrays regularly enough that its not unusual? we play sports, I climbed trees, my brother had an ATV and never had injuries like that) and it definately would be a big deal to us.

I've taken ds to hospital on two occasions with suspected broken limbs (once was, once wasn't) and didn't tell dh until afterwards. It wasn't a big deal, simply that my priority was on ds and there is no signal from the children A&E department, so I'd have had to leave ds while I went out to do it.
Ds was put out, but more because I took him to be checked out rather than letting him continue playing. Yes, he was in pain, but not traumatised.

I doubt you'd have been allowed in at present, it's strictly one adult per child at ours currently, so in some ways being told afterwards might be less stressful for you as you weren't sitting there waiting for a call to say how he was getting on.

Definitely NBU at all.

I would want to know if my child was at a&e and I would imagine most parents would want to know.

It is yet another part of his emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. Having your number blocked and not allowing your son to have any contact with you while he is there is completely wrong.

At least she told you when she could and I suspect the no answer when you tried to call her was due to how he would react knowing she had told you.

I've experienced this behaviour myself and it is disgusting using children in this way.

Hope he is okay.

Fucking hell everyone telling you not to overreact needs to give their head a wobble. A 6 year old has a possible broken bone and it doesn't occur to them to call his mum? Outrageous! I'd be livid