To wonder why I'm always the one carrying the conversations?

[kopingstrategy]

I have two examples from the past two days.

Yesterday was sitting in my friends garden and her brother and sister in law came by, everyone was sitting talking away but when my friend went to make the coffee, it was me asking the questions and having to make conversation. I know the brother and sister in law well and we get on but I just really noticed yesterday how little they were contributing to the conversation.

My friend kept getting up and down to see to her toddler and so it was just us three a few times. At one point I'd run out of questions and I thought to myself well I'll just be quiet and they can make conversation. And it went silent, it was so uncomfortable, just utter silence, I was dying inside. So eventually I had to bring up another topic of conversation. Not once in this interaction had they even asked 'how are you?' But I was hearing all about them, their kids, their cats, their house move etc.

Second example - the same friend I was with yesterday invited me and another friend over for lunch and a catch up. And it was just awkward. Once again I had to carry the conversation, I had to ask all the questions in the hope that they would answer. The friend who was having the lunch and me are really close so I have no problem sitting in silence with her or making conversation. But for some reason today the chat just wasn't there between the three of us and neither one of them seemed to make the effort. There was a lot of silences and at some points I thought to myself, if I don't say anything we will literally sit here in silence the full lunch. It was really difficult and I felt really drained after and I felt the need to be 'on' the full lunch. Once again, me asking questions as conversation starters and nothing in return.

I would say things like, 'so how is your mum doing etc?' As a way to open up a conversation.

They would answer and then just go silent again. what is that about?

AIBU to think this is strange behaviour?

Some people are better conversationalists than others.
Some people tolerate silences better than others.

A lot of people find it really difficult to make conversation. Either they just can't think of what to say, or they are really worried about saying the wrong thing.

They don’t have great manners and limited social skills. I used to have this at work events always seemed to be me carrying it. Same with dh parents. One time I decided not to make conversation as couldn’t be arsed and his dad asked if I was ok 🙄. Fil barely speaks leaves it all to others but seems In not allowed to sit in silence but he is. I’m not some loudmouth but it’s cringey all sitting there in silence!

@MsTSwift

They don’t have great manners and limited social skills. I used to have this at work events always seemed to be me carrying it. Same with dh parents. One time I decided not to make conversation as couldn’t be arsed and his dad asked if I was ok 🙄. Fil barely speaks leaves it all to others but seems In not allowed to sit in silence but he is. I’m not some loudmouth but it’s cringey all sitting there in silence!

What has manners got to do with it? Some people are good at making conversation and some are not. Some people can cope with silences and some can’t.

I seem to always be in the company of bad conversationalists then. This always happens to me, more often than not. Also is being a good conversationalist something you are just born with? Or something you can be taught? I'm a very anxious person, and in a big group of people would never speak out however, I always seem to be the one carrying the conversation 75 percent of the time with people.

I’m a bit like this, especially after spending so much time just me and DP through lockdown it’s like I have forgotten how to make conversation with people! I don’t mean to I’m just crap at conversation- I’m really grateful for people like you that keep it flowing.

YANBU, and I'm the same.
My friend and I were talking about this the other day in fact, as we have another friend who is quite a 'me me' as we call them.
We were debating whether these sorts of people find it awkward too or if most just aren't interested in others lives ao just don't bother asking.
I'm leaning towards the latter tbh.
I've talked to some right boring puds in my life and keep the conversation going about their mundane lives, frankly, to me its just basic manners. I have a very interesting and well known job that lots of people seem interested in and have opinions on (police detective) and you would think they would at least be a little interested, but no, most people are perfectly happy in their own bubbles and just aren't interested. It's very rude.

@Laufeythejust I don't get that - do you literally just not reciprocate any questions at all? Like, do you not find that quite rude and self centred?
Do conversations go:
Other person: How are you?
You: Good thanks
OP: How's lockdown been?
You: Not too bad
OP: Work ok?
You: Yeah not too bad, bit busy

I just don't understand, does it not feel very stilted and awkward??

Some people may not like someone asking them questions to carry a conversation. They may feel equally uncomfortable asking other people questions. You should have asked them about how are the kids etc. When they answered, then you should have talked about your own kids.

I am one of these people. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing. On occasions I have sympathised about people not working, when in fact they were a sahm to older teens and were choosing not to work. I am afraid to ask people too much about their children especially college etc in case they don't get into their chosen course. I am afraid people will think I am nosy.

I usually talk about weather. I say how are the family, hoping they will say more and that I won't have to ask specific qiestions. Once I have asked a general question and they answer, then I feel it is ok for me ti day sonething about myself, bearing in mind not to boast or talk for too long. If we are out at a lunch, I comment on the food, decor.

From time to time a person may ask me a lisy of questions. I feel unnerved by this, try to answer but I am so drained from thinking and answering, that I can't think to ask back. I hope they will talk about their experiences related to the question.

With good friends, we all talk about ourselves, we may ask something if a friend is saying something. Then another friend may say a few sentences on the subject. I generally talk about tv with people who are hard to converse with. Depending on if they like home makeovers, you can get topics out of that.

YANBU, I find it the same. Saw my mum and sister yesterday and with my mum it’s fine but with my sister she asked me one question and nothing else.

I do think it’s rude, I get that people have different conversation skills but after being asked what they’ve been up to, how’s work, how’s your hobbie etc they could say “and what about you?”.

When I was younger I used to do that.

Now I'm old, I don't.

I let the silence hang there or move away.

Some people are lazy, can't be arsed to make an effort so I will reflect it right back to them.
Particularly people who will speak about themselves but never ask a question back.
Its rude so now I too just don't ask questions.

The type of person who will bore the arse off anyone about their children but never aske how are yours of a similar age.

Once I noticed this, I no longer made a polite effort either and happily left contact to a polite hello.

Sometimes, if you've got a reputation as being "chatty", other people don't bother contributing because they know you'll fill in the gaps or, as in the case of 2 aquaintences of mine, no-one else manages to get a word in edgeways.

See I definitely give others the opportunity to chat, it's not the fact I don't let people get a word in edgeways. I am actually really conscious of not speaking too much. Which is why I will often allow a silence to see if they will start a conversation but they just don't. Yesterday it was a good 2 full minutes of silence. Sitting there facing each other, in complete silence. It was so uncomfortable for me. But I do admit I hate awkward silences. Comfortable silences fine, awkward silences make my skin crawl.

I joined a baby class recently and realise how maternity leave and lockdown have made me socially awkward! I try conversing with the other Mums but conscious I'm rambling and saying daft stuff.

I'm not a big talker about myself so tend to ask lots of question of people, so I do appreciate being around comfortable talkers. On the other hand I get bored listening to other people who have no interest in me, and sit there wondering when I can escape. I'm not cut out for socialising.

I'm the person not talking to you. I appreciate extended periods of silence to take stock of/internalise/enjoy my surroundings and gather my thoughts (perhaps they come slower than other peoples').

I am exhausted by people who can't stop taking and questioning me. I answer politely but not in an overly extended way. I'll ask them a few questions to be polite, but ultimately wish it would stop.

I find that some of the most interesting conversations arise out of silence/slow conversation when people have time to listen to and engage with their deeper thoughts.

I don't want to hear about your family or weekend, sorry, and I don't want to tell you about mine. It doesn't mean I don't like you.

I understand such talk is a social nicety and I will do it when required.

Different strokes for different folks.

Do you think they weren't expecting you to be there? I'm not Madly keen on arranging to meet a friend then finding there's other people there/ been invited, unless I really like them!

@PollyPepper it’s more like once the reciprocating questions have all been asked and it’s my turn to ask a new topic I just can’t think of anything new to talk about. I feel really awkward unless I know the person really well, I try to hide it but it can mean there’s awkward silences where they’ve finished talking about their job/ husband/ day whatever and I’m thinking oh crap what do I say now.

Make a polite excuse and move away.

I'm actually an introvert but my hatred of awkward silences is stronger so I'm exactly the same. I can talk to anybody (and do), I'm not comfortable doing it all the time but I can't help it...it's like I always have a list in my head of questions I can ask people or stuff I can talk about just in case it goes quiet too long. I hope I'm not annoying and I definitely let other people talk too. It can be embarrassing sometimes though, like talking to randomers at the supermarket and being ignored and wittering my way through a job interview that I'd realised within seconds was completely unsuitable for me. Shrug that's just how I am and always have been, like pp have said I bet some others are grateful to have you there keeping a conversation going.

@Sinner10 Of course manners come into it - if you are not showing an interest in the other person at all.

One of my family members for example often doesn't stop talking to draw a breath. I could sit there with her for three hours with her telling me all what's going with her, etc and I will ask questions too - but at no point does she ask how I am.

I understand small talk can run out, but I'd still expect some basic questions to be asked out of politeness or interest in their existence too.

@jiskoot sounds exactly like me, I am an introvert too and the only reason I carry the conversation is because I find awkward silences so awkward.

Sorry but I think it is rude to be in a social situation and to make no effort. It’s also extremely rude to talk about yourself the whole time and to never ask the other person anything about their lives. Makes me cringe when grown adults behave like this.

I taught my dc this from a young age. Remember Dd2 aged 5 in the playground there was a silence and she asked another mum if she had any nice plans for the weekend 😁. My work was done!

If it’s happening in 75% of your social interactions perhaps you’re choosing to spend too much time with people whose company you don’t enjoy.

Agree that in situations with a small number of people, participating in small talk and reciprocity is just basic manners.

And with a PP saying that sometimes people don’t bother when talking to person X because they don’t much care about being polite/nice to that person. For example, your friend’s visitors might have had no interest in spending time with or getting to know you.

Others are self absorbed!

Drains and radiators. The world is full of them.

Some people drain you dry of energy. You're the one making all the effort and they simply love to talk about only themselves.

They'll come away thinking, "Oh the op is lovely," not knowing a single thing about you but because you let them talk about themselves.

Boring bastards. And there's an awful lot of them. Stilted in conversation unless it's about them.

They sound very rude.

I agree with @billy1966, give them a taste of their own medicine.

It will be awkward at first, but will actually be very freeing as you get used to it.

If it gets too unbearable, go the loo.

Some people, quite a lot of people actually, can't do small talk and general conversation. They're not being rude but are inadequately socialised. This is why Brits drink so much, needing those inhibitions loosened up in company.