To wonder why I'm always the one carrying the conversations?

[kopingstrategy]

I have two examples from the past two days.

Yesterday was sitting in my friends garden and her brother and sister in law came by, everyone was sitting talking away but when my friend went to make the coffee, it was me asking the questions and having to make conversation. I know the brother and sister in law well and we get on but I just really noticed yesterday how little they were contributing to the conversation.

My friend kept getting up and down to see to her toddler and so it was just us three a few times. At one point I'd run out of questions and I thought to myself well I'll just be quiet and they can make conversation. And it went silent, it was so uncomfortable, just utter silence, I was dying inside. So eventually I had to bring up another topic of conversation. Not once in this interaction had they even asked 'how are you?' But I was hearing all about them, their kids, their cats, their house move etc.

Second example - the same friend I was with yesterday invited me and another friend over for lunch and a catch up. And it was just awkward. Once again I had to carry the conversation, I had to ask all the questions in the hope that they would answer. The friend who was having the lunch and me are really close so I have no problem sitting in silence with her or making conversation. But for some reason today the chat just wasn't there between the three of us and neither one of them seemed to make the effort. There was a lot of silences and at some points I thought to myself, if I don't say anything we will literally sit here in silence the full lunch. It was really difficult and I felt really drained after and I felt the need to be 'on' the full lunch. Once again, me asking questions as conversation starters and nothing in return.

I would say things like, 'so how is your mum doing etc?' As a way to open up a conversation.

They would answer and then just go silent again. what is that about?

AIBU to think this is strange behaviour?

OP not read every reply but I so relate to you. I feel that I have to do a lot of the heavy lifting sometimes socially and it actually makes me not be as motivated to go to social things sometimes. I also get a lot of "it's easy for you" comments as though making the effort is not tiring for me. What I notice about your post is you say you're a bit anxious. I am as well. I wonder if perhaps that awkward silence is therefore more excrucriating for people like us. And maybe also we feel more under pressure therefore to make sure things flow. What annoys me most is some people have admitted to me because I'm quite chatty and funny that they therefore just sit back. They don't seem to feel the need to make the experience fun for me as well. And my partner can be spectacularly rubbish about this sometimes which does get to me sometimes particularly if stuck with people or in situations you don't particularly want to be in but where you feel compelled to show an interest/be polite/etc. I'm interested that some think it's a sexist expectation. I certainly feel a pressure that he doesn't seem to feel in some situations.

I'd add a couple of points though. Firstly I know a lot of shy people and have a lot of empathy with shy people for various reasons. I was very shy as a teenager and I remember the appaling frozen feeling. I remember trying to time saying "hello" to people passing in the corridor - being paralysed, looking away to pretend I hadn't seen them, feeling awful that I must appear so unfriendly when I really wanted to be friendly, not really knowing how to break the awful cycle and the crawling and horrible self-consciousness that I felt. Having gone through this means I know it's not necessarily as simple as people who find social situations difficult just getting out of it or being more considerate and that people can really want to speak but find it very hard sometimes. I don't always consider people rude if very silent. I know it can feel excrucriating to have that kind of shyness and some people do and I am always trying to be aware of that. Other people are literally taught never to ask a question. Quite old-fashioned this I think - but I know some. This is not a great thing to teach people in my view as it can come across as having no interest in others and it can be very hard to find common ground and relax or have any fun if with someone who never tries to see what you're interested in too. But it can be hard to go against what you're taught.

The last thing is that I wonder if lockdown has made some people quite unsocialised as a lot of this stuff is about practise. A lot of people have been couped up only talking to the same people and some have been all alone for very long periods of time. We have also been and still are quite wary of each other - standing at a distance, not lingering etc etc. And so it probably means a lot of us are not as easy-going socially as we were and just plain rusty and out of practise. So maybe being a bit forgiving of people during this strange and difficult time. You sound a really great person to have around to a social event! Maybe trying to feel less responsible for social occasions flowing would help you enjoy things yourself more. It might even be that if you are over anxious to please or anxious with a tension that others don't feel. I don't know. I am trying to take less responsibility for things flowing myself as there's no point if I end up exhausted and not having enjoyed it much myself! Thanks for starting the thread though as I really relate to it.

I know OP. I tend to avoid people who have done to me what the in laws did to you. There's a woman I saw about 4 times a week. School playground the extra clubs. A couple of times I tried to make conversation and she just wouldn't. I wondered whether I ccould sit with her at one of the clubs but she moved away! I assume she either doesn't like me or thinks I am nosey! Very rude considering one of these places is a church we both attend regularly. Privately I am not sure of the existance, but I take a lot of interest in being humble and polite and I'm always shocked when I end up with a yes/no crowd.

Another thing was once, a group of people I was trying to get to know. I tried to join in and silence descended so I asked if everything was OK. One piped up with, "well the thing is, we don't know you and..." more awkward silences. So I walked away so hurt and embarrassed. It may be the in laws didn't know who you were or how close a friend you were to the host. Or maybe they didn't know you were coming. They were still rude IMO.

Given that for much of the last 15 months opportunities to meet in person have been limited for much of the time, have some people simply lost the art of conversation, or don't know where to begin? Even more so given some people prefer to text or email instead of talking, especially at work?

Maybe you talk to much and they were just appreciating a moments silence ?!!

I do show interest, so she was telling me about the new house she bought and then I said, that sounds amazing, and is there a lot of work needing done in it? So then she continued talking about that and I replied, that'll be great, how exciting.

Also I do give information about myself, for instance she has two cats, as do I, we got them around the same time. So I asked and how are the cats getting on etc? And so she would talk about it and then I said oh mine are the same they like to...blah blah blah. But was never asked and she never said anything in return to show an interest.

I honestly don't think the problem lies with me.

maybe theyre just boring . Id have probably got up and offered to help your friend instead, or made my excuses to be somewhere else.

I've felt a bit awkward even with close friends recently, honestly, I just think it's a post lockdown thing! Nobody has been in social situations for a long time...

And let's be honest, probably haven't been up to much either!!

This drives me absolutely bananas and I find it really rude that people can sit there and just answer questions about themselves and not reciprocate

However these are usually the same people who make noises about meeting up but never actually put any effort in to planning things. Lots of “I don’t mind where we go, wherever you fancy” which puts the onus back on you to organise somewhere and suggest a date

Fucking rude. Drives me crackers.

[quote Asthenia]@greatauntfanny but if you feel like that generally, would you go to a social event like the OP has described where small talk is very much expected?

I’m an outgoing person who’s good at small talk. Would I rather speak to close friends about more interesting stuff where small talk isn’t required? Yes. But IMO small talk is an essential social skill and those of us who are good at it aren’t mindless idiots unable to talk about ‘deeper things’.

YANBU OP, this has happened to me before and it’s very frustrating and rude.[/quote]
Yes I'd go, otherwise I'll end up increasingly lonely, isolated and weird.

And I'd respond politely, and ask questions, and be dying inside in the hope of some silence so I can process things and get my head straight in between (what feels to me like) the constant rapid fire back and forth.

I'd be glad of the breather when the conversation picked up between two other people so I can put my 'listening attentively' face on and zone out while making all of the right noises until the conversation moves onto something I find more engaging, or until I'm able to gently nudge it in that direction and see how the others respond. The issue I have with people who constantly feel the need to fill 'rude' silences is that more often than not, they fill it with another question (how is your house/mum/job) and off we go again.

"I'm the person not talking to you. I appreciate extended periods of silence to take stock of/internalise/enjoy my surroundings and gather my thoughts (perhaps they come slower than other peoples').

I am exhausted by people who can't stop taking and questioning me. I answer politely but not in an overly extended way. I'll ask them a few questions to be polite, but ultimately wish it would stop.

I find that some of the most interesting conversations arise out of silence/slow conversation when people have time to listen to and engage with their deeper thoughts.

I don't want to hear about your family or weekend, sorry, and I don't want to tell you about mine. It doesn't mean I don't like you.

I understand such talk is a social nicety and I will do it when required.

Different strokes for different folks."

To be fair, though you don't sound like the people not talking to the OP and you sound like someone who does make a certain amount of effort even though it doesn't interest you that much - and I would really appreciate that.

The OP says she was politely ask a q and they would talk about themselves then stop. Then silence. Nothing back to her. You say yourself you ask questions and try to do some of the social niceties even if hard.

I also get weary of this "big talk/little talk" thing (not from you but from some people I know and love!). I mean the situations in question here are situations where people don't know each other well or at all. So it's not one where you're likely to get into deep and meaningful conversation - at least not until you've broken the ice a bit. And you're not likely to get there either without getting to know the person a bit first and seeing if there are overlaps or common interests etc. Also "bigger talk" and certainly "deeper talk" tends to need more trust. Ie "big talk" might involve controversial issues - which people tend not to launch into with people they don't know at all straight away. And "deeper talk" might mean giving more of yourself which people aren't likely to do if they don't know the people at all. So most of us in those situations at least start off with the "small talk" even if this isn't going to win conversation of the year.

As to "not interested in your weekend" - well this all depends for me. I have friends who make me hoot with laughter that anything they tell me can be a vehicle - it doesn't really matter what. The same weekend can be entertaining, thought provoking, just a jumping off point or thoroughly boring depending on the telling.

You make a good point that people maybe find different speeds and levels of interaction tiring and some people who talk a lot can be as tiring and tedious as those who say nothing. I probably talk too much in some situations.

I do think a lot of those saying we're all unsocialised at the moment have a good point. We're all rusty!

I’m another who finds silences awkward. How can you sit there just looking at each other?

Good conversation bats back and forth without having to cast around in your mind for something to say. It is hard work when you are having to carry it and I don’t choose to meet up with people where conversation isn’t easy.

It would interesting to link this thread with the numerous threads about people who have no or few friends. There must be overlaps and connections, in what people like and expect in their interactions.

If you have social anxiety, then the thought of someone judging you for not being interesting enough makes your mind go blank.

@SoapboxFox but on the flip side of that, if someone has social anxiety and feels like they’re not interesting enough because the other side hasn’t bothered to make an effort with conversation