To wonder why I'm always the one carrying the conversations?

[kopingstrategy]

I have two examples from the past two days.

Yesterday was sitting in my friends garden and her brother and sister in law came by, everyone was sitting talking away but when my friend went to make the coffee, it was me asking the questions and having to make conversation. I know the brother and sister in law well and we get on but I just really noticed yesterday how little they were contributing to the conversation.

My friend kept getting up and down to see to her toddler and so it was just us three a few times. At one point I'd run out of questions and I thought to myself well I'll just be quiet and they can make conversation. And it went silent, it was so uncomfortable, just utter silence, I was dying inside. So eventually I had to bring up another topic of conversation. Not once in this interaction had they even asked 'how are you?' But I was hearing all about them, their kids, their cats, their house move etc.

Second example - the same friend I was with yesterday invited me and another friend over for lunch and a catch up. And it was just awkward. Once again I had to carry the conversation, I had to ask all the questions in the hope that they would answer. The friend who was having the lunch and me are really close so I have no problem sitting in silence with her or making conversation. But for some reason today the chat just wasn't there between the three of us and neither one of them seemed to make the effort. There was a lot of silences and at some points I thought to myself, if I don't say anything we will literally sit here in silence the full lunch. It was really difficult and I felt really drained after and I felt the need to be 'on' the full lunch. Once again, me asking questions as conversation starters and nothing in return.

I would say things like, 'so how is your mum doing etc?' As a way to open up a conversation.

They would answer and then just go silent again. what is that about?

AIBU to think this is strange behaviour?

It's really not @saraclara I was a socially awkward teen as well (aren't we all??) And I'm to large extent a socially awkward adult (manage to hide it well) And I grew up in a country where we saw extended family All the time and there were festivals and social occassions aplenty. If anything I should have been able to chat away with the best of them. But it was really really hard for me. Honestly...

I picked up a copy of that old chestnut "How to win friends and..." Dale Carnegie I think. Not sure how much it helped me but the point was I recognised I had to function in society and had to polish my social skills. People were understanding of my anxiety but it never occurred to me to just coast along and not change or tweak my personality where I felt I could improve.

I don't wait for someone to ask a reciprocal question - once they've told me how they are doing, I will tell them how I'm doing.

One thing I will say about people who "carry the conversation" (including me) is that it may be perceived differently by the other party. They may see you as a person who waffles on about nothing, or controls the conversation, or asks prying questions etc.

We all like a different balance, and I have definitely been guilty of forcing an awkward conversation because I can't stand an awkward silence.

Corkscrew nosiness. That’s what I call it when people take too much interest in me. I’m quite a private person and I won’t tell anyone other than my partner what’s really going on in my life. I only tell anyone anything on a need to know basis. It’s just how I am. I’m more than happy to listen to someone bang on about themselves, certainly draws the heat away from me. And I judge people when I meet them to see what they like to talk about, sometimes it’s just about the surrounds they’re in. My partner is a private person too, and he will change the subject if he’s being questioned on things he doesn’t want to talk about.

@saraclara

Ffs. Such intolerance of any or socially awkward people. I was that person for several decades. I felt that along questions was somehow ride or nosy. I was scared of asking the wrong thing or offending people.

One of my daughter's is similar, and she's not yet reached the point that I eventually did, so I do get what it's like from the other side as I'm now the one carrying the conversation.

But some of the comments here are very intolerant.

It works both ways though! Socially awkward people need to think about the impact on others of their behaviour.

And I think this sort of behaviour can be down to social awkwardness but it can be selfishness and egocentricity too, or a combination.

I went out for lunch with three friends recently and was probably asked one question about my life. I found out all about their lives, what’s been going on etc, but when they’re not talking about themselves they just stop. Even if I talk about myself spontaneously, it doesn’t work unless I want to deliver a full monologue, because they don’t ask any questions or make any comments.

It doesn’t make me feel great/valued/of interest/cared about. It’s draining to be around people who don’t make conversation.

Holding conversation is a basic social skill that people need to learn if they want to have good relationships.

@salander
I agree with you.

I don't like nosey people and I certainly never ask prying questions but I have met people like you describe and I just couldn't be listening to that.

I'm very fussy about who I spent time with though.

I don’t want to be rude but I meet people who just rabbit on all the time. It is as if they can’t cope with a companionable silence and have to fill every bit of silence with constant chatter. They are exceedingly tiring to be around.
If you find some people are poor conversationalists fair enough but if you feel everyone but you is like that then perhaps the issue is with you.
Think about it.

User147 has it. You need to volunteer information, not interview people. If I’m with someone who constantly asks questions but isn’t forthcoming about their own life I just shut down and don’t want to say any more - and I’m normally sociable.

This is also why I don’t jump in with lots of questions, although I’ll do it to stave off more interrogation.

Not saying everyone is like this, but it’s how some of us feel.

Thankfully very few people in my life are like this in fact I only experience it in relationships I haven’t “chosen” like in-laws or work colleagues. I know it’s not me.

I think a way to make it feel not like an interrogation is to not just ask questions but to make interested noises/supportive comments.

So ‘How was your holiday’ and then they start talking about it, you can add ‘Wow that sounds amazing!’ Or ‘I’d really like to do that/go there’ etc. It’s not just about follow up questions but showing interest more generally.

This thread nicely demonstrates all the reasons that people with social anxiety struggle. It is rude to allow silences, it is rude to ask too many questions, it is rude to talk too much about yourself, and you are somehow just expected to know, what balance each individual person you are interacting with would consider acceptable. It is all very well saying everyone should be able to do it, but when the rules are so unclear, it is hardly surprising some people can't work it out, or give up trying.

It is important to teach children these skills and to model them. Will get you further in life than flute lessons.

I always have to carry the conversation when I'm in company too. I think it very much shows mine and DH's different upbringing and how one personalities have developed from that - me and my family talk a lot, about diverse subjects, would debate different topics from a young age without belittling other opinions, wouldn't have TV dinners, ate at the table, didnt watch loads of TV, didn't have play stations etc, exposed to lots of different people socially, have a genuine interest in hearing about people's lives and therefore developed a confidence in being able to make small talk

I do find it tiring sometimes though especially when visiting PIL when DH barely speaks and if I didn't make conversation we'd all sit there gawping at the children

I will have short conversations with people at a party, and will ask them about themselves and take an interest. If they are on the reserved side themselves, it is easier. However, I privately find very chatty people a bit overwhelming. If it's genuine, and we seem to like each other, it's fine. But there is a certain 'type' of rather forward, straight-backed person who gives others fake smiles (which drop as soon as their back is turned) that I find off putting. I always feel they are impatient and judgemental at people who aren't as outgoing.

It is very tiring, I agree, and it falls mostly on women so it's a sexist issue. I have a friend who shared an office space (one of those co-worker free-lance things) with two guys. She noticed she was the one initiating and carrying all conversation during coffee breaks. So one day she stopped doing that and they all sat in silence until one of the men asked why she was in such a bad mood.

It's worth being self-reflective to see if part of the problem is that you don't let people in (ie you go on a bit). I was told this recently, that a few people in a group were a little intimidated by me taking too much space in the conversation. It was useful, I shut up next time and it gave them space to tentatively edge in and take some responsability and make suggestions.

Or they were just drains, as PP said!

I’ve had that - when I made a conscious decision not to carry a meal and to mirror dh parents I got asked if I was ok! Very wearing having to do the social heavy lifting

Conversation is very definitely a skill.
Agree that it is good manners as well to be able to make a degree of polite small talk.
A good conversationalist would be sensitive to someone awkward or shy and not try to jolly them along but be able to exchange a few words.
It's about listening as well as speaking..

@andivfmakes3

I always have to carry the conversation when I'm in company too. I think it very much shows mine and DH's different upbringing and how one personalities have developed from that - me and my family talk a lot, about diverse subjects, would debate different topics from a young age without belittling other opinions, wouldn't have TV dinners, ate at the table, didnt watch loads of TV, didn't have play stations etc, exposed to lots of different people socially, have a genuine interest in hearing about people's lives and therefore developed a confidence in being able to make small talk

I do find it tiring sometimes though especially when visiting PIL when DH barely speaks and if I didn't make conversation we'd all sit there gawping at the children

Wow, very judgemental and superior!

I was brought up in a home like you describe growing up in, but have no issue being with quiet people too.

I think differences are good.

I think lockdown has also made people a lot worse, if they already weren’t good at this. Combination of out of practice and also much less to talk about as they haven’t been up to much. I think you just need to hang out with your “tribe” more - obviously you have to do some awkward social engagements as part of life, but avoid the shit ones as much as possible and hang out with other good chatters! I remember going on a ski holiday with my friends and their boyfriends and it was three nights of like complete silence at dinner - so awkward and horrible. Fun chats are a skill, and often bolstered by natural talent, so appreciate that you have this!

Obviously it’s lovely having a companionable silence but not sure that applies to say a birthday meal with a group of people you don’t see very often. Then sitting in silence is cringe and awkward.

I'm more comfortable with silence than I used to be, but there is a point, after which, it does surely feel awkward to all. Like in the OP's scenario, in the garden, first couple of minutes, ok, but if nobody said anything until the host reappeared, that would be awkward to me. it'd be like what the unspoken words were ''we have NOTHING to say to each other''.

I'm aware though that some people don't care that they have nothing to say. They don't care or notice that the silence spells that out.

But I'm like you OP, when I notice the awkwardness, I swoop in to ask a question. I do wait then to see if they reciprocate. Sometimes they don't. I'm getting better at thinking to myself, ofgs, I've tried. Let's just sit in total silence then, even if our mutual friend would prefer we were comfortable with each other.............

I can relate to this. I find myself doing this a lot. I think some of us genuinely enjoy getting to know others and have been taught the art of striking up interesting conversation. Others just aren't raised the same way. I work closely with one person whose daily life I know all about but she would know very little indeed about me.

Just to say there are talkative 'drains' as well as quiet ones. Some of it is in the eye of the beholder as we all find different things draining.

I think in our culture sitting around a table in silence is awkward. Not for our Chinese visitors though they had been taught to sit in silence and that talking affects digestion!

@picturesandpickles

I was comparing mine and DH upbringing and how our personalities have developed.🤔

[quote andivfmakes3]@picturesandpickles

I was comparing mine and DH upbringing and how our personalities have developed.🤔[/quote]
Yes, I read it.