To wonder why I'm always the one carrying the conversations?

[kopingstrategy]

I have two examples from the past two days.

Yesterday was sitting in my friends garden and her brother and sister in law came by, everyone was sitting talking away but when my friend went to make the coffee, it was me asking the questions and having to make conversation. I know the brother and sister in law well and we get on but I just really noticed yesterday how little they were contributing to the conversation.

My friend kept getting up and down to see to her toddler and so it was just us three a few times. At one point I'd run out of questions and I thought to myself well I'll just be quiet and they can make conversation. And it went silent, it was so uncomfortable, just utter silence, I was dying inside. So eventually I had to bring up another topic of conversation. Not once in this interaction had they even asked 'how are you?' But I was hearing all about them, their kids, their cats, their house move etc.

Second example - the same friend I was with yesterday invited me and another friend over for lunch and a catch up. And it was just awkward. Once again I had to carry the conversation, I had to ask all the questions in the hope that they would answer. The friend who was having the lunch and me are really close so I have no problem sitting in silence with her or making conversation. But for some reason today the chat just wasn't there between the three of us and neither one of them seemed to make the effort. There was a lot of silences and at some points I thought to myself, if I don't say anything we will literally sit here in silence the full lunch. It was really difficult and I felt really drained after and I felt the need to be 'on' the full lunch. Once again, me asking questions as conversation starters and nothing in return.

I would say things like, 'so how is your mum doing etc?' As a way to open up a conversation.

They would answer and then just go silent again. what is that about?

AIBU to think this is strange behaviour?

I feel like this with my husbands family. It's so draining but I just can't sit through a lunch/dinner in complete silence it kills me.

We had paying guests a few years ago usually teens who were fine but once a recently retired lady. A teacher so educated. We made polite conversation with her. Not once in the entire visit did she ask one polite question about us. Conversation was me asking a polite question she answered at length. Silence. I ask another. By the end of the visit we both wanted to kill her.

@Arrierttyclock

I feel like this with my husbands family. It's so draining but I just can't sit through a lunch/dinner in complete silence it kills me.

But they are relying on you! If you don’t oblige, they will play their part, it might take a few visits though.

@greatauntfanny but if you feel like that generally, would you go to a social event like the OP has described where small talk is very much expected?

I’m an outgoing person who’s good at small talk. Would I rather speak to close friends about more interesting stuff where small talk isn’t required? Yes. But IMO small talk is an essential social skill and those of us who are good at it aren’t mindless idiots unable to talk about ‘deeper things’.

YANBU OP, this has happened to me before and it’s very frustrating and rude.

Ever heard of people being shy ??

@lollipoprainbow

Ever heard of people being shy ??

Shy people aren’t owed conversation from others.

I’m shy but I would think it very rude not to ask someone a couple of questions.

And it went silent, it was so uncomfortable, just utter silence, I was dying inside. This is quite a strong reaction to silence.

I noted from your thing that you ask a lot of questions - I struggle with this type of conversation as I find it a bit intrusive, like being interviewed.

How long do you allow it to be quiet for? Could you try to let it be much longer and see what happens? You are not responsible for 'driving' a group conversation.

You are me 😊

I always thought I was good at keeping the conversation going. I’ve now had two different friends ‘joke’ about how I talk too much, love to tell a story and never shut up. I’ve now realised when I’ve thought I was keeping conversation going other people were thinking ‘god she never shuts up’.

They are rude. And your friend isn't a good host for keeping leaving you.

I'm like Billy1996, I can do it, Dh and I often do it re him organising say a meet up of the football teams dads for a pint, and me organising the football team mums. Now I'm too old and can't be bothered. I question why I'm wasting my emotional energy on it.

In proper friendships, my close ones, silences aren't awkward.

@Icantrememberthenameoftheartis

You are me 😊

I always thought I was good at keeping the conversation going. I’ve now had two different friends ‘joke’ about how I talk too much, love to tell a story and never shut up. I’ve now realised when I’ve thought I was keeping conversation going other people were thinking ‘god she never shuts up’.

I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.

I find it better to make generic observations about weather, the day, the location etcto get a conversation going. Couple of more personal questions are fine to get to know a bit about the others but any more than that and it feels forced and awkward and often very one sided.

@mainsfed alright then crippling social anxiety ??

Sounds like you are not comfortable with silences as much as other people. Maybe they would start a thread saying I met a friend of a friend and they just wouldn't stop talking!

C’mon guys. OP says she let the silences go for up to 2 minutes. Now that’s a long time staring still at other faces in a small group. It’s not the same as heating your dinner in the microwave, or being stuck at the traffic lights. That’s an eternity. Even if you stare at your lap and sip drinks. If it was a close mate at your table, or a stranger sitting staring at a bus stop, you’d think 2 minutes was a problem or creepy, right?

It is ‘good manners’ to be able to make conversation. Some are born knowing how, and some need to be guided or plain have it drilled into them. Like other kinds of manners. It’s the prime ‘social lubricant’, it keeps us from having strained or negative or neglectful social relationships. It’s a key human adulting skill.

I say play the game or take yourself out of the situation, if smalltalk is beyond you. If you’re bad at it, skill up. If you’re a babbler, contain yourself. But don’t push the whole weight of polite q&a onto one person, and just sit basking in the glow of someone else’s efforts. It’s rude, and worse. It makes you very very boring and selfish.

[quote lollipoprainbow]@mainsfed alright then crippling social anxiety ?? [/quote]
I doubt all of them had this, and the couple seemed happy to tell Op ‘all about them, their kids, their cats, their house move etc.’

Ime, shy/introvert ask people questions to take focus away from themselves! These people just seem rude.

Drains and radiators is a good way of putting it. I would find it too draining to bother with people who don't have good social skills even if they couldn't help it. I'd rather spend time with people able to hold reciprocal conversations. Maybe your good friend was just having a rough week though?

I’m you, OP. I feel the weight of social responsibility very keenly and it exhausts me.

I gave up alcohol during lockdown, so I think socialising will be even harder now.

I might start taking a book out with me.

This really isn’t about being an extrovert or an introvert. If you choose to go to something you’ve been invited to it’s only polite to show a bit of interest in your fellow guests - otherwise why would you bother going in the first place? A few stock questions or sharing of information can lead onto more interesting topics. For example, ‘I’m going to Cornwall on holiday this year. I really need it. Are you hoping to get away?’ ‘Not this year. I have to get the kitchen redone. Where in Cornwall are you going?’ etc. etc.

I have been surprised by how few, often very lovely people, actually ask any questions at all in conversations. Younger people especially. It is as if, if your guest especially, they expect you to talk and ask them about things. I wait for the open ended responses & questions back...

Eurgh OP I sympathise. I have a couple of friends like this. So draining and makes me think less of them

Agree with PP this is a basic adulting skill. You can't just opt out and let other people do the social niceties. Having good conversations is a skill that can be learnt. I mean there are enough Buzzfeed articles and random listicles to get you started. It's not rocket science

OP I could have written your post! I have this exact issue with my DP's family. Like you, I'm not naturally extroverted or anything - I actually feel quite socially awkward in large groups sometimes, but sitting around a table in silence is excruciating. My BIL and his partner will happily sit there entirely mute until you ask them a question or otherwise fill the silence - it's so painful and really quite rude. It makes me feel like the "gobby" one, which feels quite unfair as I don't dominate the conversation at all when I'm around people who know how to make conversation! I don't understand why they even want to meet up - what are they getting out of it?!

YANBU and I know exactly what you mean.

It’s true that firing questions at someone can get a bit much but I don’t think that’s what OP is describing here.

Imagine Bill, Sarah, Tom and Anna, all normal people mindful of social norms.

Tom says to Bill, ‘Has work been busy?’
Bill replies that it hasn’t actually been as busy as anticipated, which is a shame, and a bit worrying in case job losses are on the horizon. Everyone makes sympathetic noises. Anna adds that one of her friends is in a similar line of employment and has found the same. General chat about the effect the lockdown might have on the economy. Sarah is a nurse so Anna mentions Sarah is probably still quite busy! Sarah agrees, but it is calming down a bit now. Everyone is glad to hear that. And how is Tom’s brother, he hasn’t been well ...

This is just normal. Imagine if there had been no reciprocation.

‘How’s work Bill?’
‘OK.’
‘Busy?’
‘Not really.’
‘Reckon it will pick up?’
‘Not sure.’

It’s that which lends itself to the grilling sort of questions!

It’s poor social skills and/or that they’re egocentric.

I have increasingly become aware of people like this. I tend to ask questions - and follow ups.

So, I’ll ask how someone’s recent holiday was and then I’ll ask what the weather was like and then I’ll ask what their favourite part of the holiday was or what the accommodation was like or whatever. Asking 3 or so questions shows a genuine interest.

On the other hand, lots of people just ask one question. My MIL is terrible for this. ‘How was your holiday?’ ‘It was great thanks!’ ‘Lovely glad you enjoyed it.’ She does just enough to seem polite but doesn’t ask any further and then shuts down the conversation.

Several of my friends are like this too. It might be partly because of social awkwardness and poor social skills but it’s rude and does not make others feel valued or that they are of interest.

Ffs. Such intolerance of any or socially awkward people.
I was that person for several decades. I felt that along questions was somehow ride or nosy. I was scared of asking the wrong thing or offending people.

One of my daughter's is similar, and she's not yet reached the point that I eventually did, so I do get what it's like from the other side as I'm now the one carrying the conversation.

But some of the comments here are very intolerant.

And agree with PPs that questions/follow ups depend on someone being willing to talk and give a bit more of a detailed answer - a more detailed answer can help others ask more interesting questions etc and not seem like a grilling.