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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if there's something you don't want your kid to eat you say when asked not bitch about it later.

356 replies

BeansOnToast56 · 23/05/2021 19:34

So today I looked after my brothers girlfriends daughter for the day as she was working and her child care fell through. She is a relatively new girlfriend of about 9 months but due to covid I haven't really spent much time with her or her daughter but my brother is happy so that's ok with me. My dd is a year younger so it was no skin off my nose to have her here for the day, the girls played nicely and entertained each other. I asked her mum when she dropped her off if she had any allergies, things she didn't want her to have or things she didn't like, mum said she ate most things. She had lunch and dinner here so mum really should of said if there was things her daughter wasn't allowed to eat. The girls had bagels cream cheese, grapes, carrot sticks for lunch, crisps in the afternoon and chorizo pasta bake for dinner with peas and garlic bread with chocolate ice cream for pudding. Well my brother has rang kicking for because the child is vegetarian and her mum is very upset I didn't respect that, how the bloody hell am I suppose to know this? I asked mum and she didn't say her reply was she eats most things, no mention of her being a vegetarian at all. AIBU on to think this is mums fault and if she didn't say how was I suppose to know, her dd is 7 if that makes any difference and she didn't tell me herself.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 24/05/2021 11:36

the gf now sounds like a stirrer-she assumed you knew but being told you didnt stil wont talk you or apologise to you

unless its your brother who was meant to be telling you ages ago and didnt-but even then you specifically asked her on the day and she said nothing and is still blaming you

KaleSlayer · 24/05/2021 11:37

with the girlfriend going on about how THEY are veggie, I think your brother's sneaky bacon roll is also not allowed and he is probably shitting himself you will tell girlfriend he has been eating bacon!

If that’s the case then I don’t think the girlfriend will be around for long. If he feels the need to lie about what eats to her, I can’t see the relationship lasting anyway. Still think this whole thing just doesn’t make sense.

KaleSlayer · 24/05/2021 11:37

*what he eats.

KaleSlayer · 24/05/2021 11:40

But if she was “very apologetic” then presumably that was because she knew she was in the wrong!

Exactly. Wink

MotherofTerriers · 24/05/2021 11:42

I'd message both of them - so there can't be any misunderstanding. Say that you had no idea the child was vegetarian and don't see how you could possibly have been expected to know. If you had known, of course you wouldn't have given the child meat. You are very hurt by their angry reaction after you were kind enough to provide childcare and won't do so again.
Life's too short for this kind of rubbish.

wdmtthgcock · 24/05/2021 11:49

She is being ridiculous.
She admits she did not tell you they were vegetarian and "assumed you knew".
You asked if there was anything the child couldn't eat. At that point she should have said "She's a vegetarian" or if she thought you knew, just reminded you nicely just to be sure.
Now she's just causing trouble deliberately.
There should really be no more discussion about this. She assumed you knew. You didn't. You fed the child meat. It won't happen again because now you know she is a vegetarian.
End of drama.

BarbaraofSeville · 24/05/2021 11:50

Well this thread has everything, the Grammar Police, predictably falling foul of Muphry's law themselves,Covid Police, myths and legends from the 1970s about the suitability of a vegetarian diet for DC as well as the whole shebang about the OP not psychically learning about the child's vegetarianism.

TempName01 · 24/05/2021 11:52

I agree that your brother is pretending to be vegetarian, it’s the only logical reason she would assume you knew.

PaperbackRider · 24/05/2021 11:53

When was this? I lived through BSE so would be most unimpressed at you letting a child of mine eat your shite processed meat - would you let them have a cigarette if they asked for it?

If you want to control what your child eats and expect their own choices to be over ruled, you need to be there when they eat. Don't leave them with others and think they will do the controlling for you. Not my job to wrestle the beef burger from your kids hand if they want it!

Famousinlove · 24/05/2021 11:53

You should ask your brother to ask his girlfriend if she knows what your diet is like, since she expects you to know hers and her daughters

NewlyGranny · 24/05/2021 11:54

Did you ever get a thank you for stepping in to provide childcare in an emergency, or just the complaints, OP?

The child's DM may just be one of those people who struggle to say please, thank you and sorry, in which case I wouldn't go out of my way to befriend her. She is clearly entrenched as the centre of the universe, since everyone should magically know she and DD are vegetarian ... 🙄

Dixiechickonhols · 24/05/2021 11:54

The fact you specifically asked and she didn’t say is mind boggling. She only has herself to blame. Even if brother has been pretending to her be veggie that doesn’t follow that child is. She should have been very grateful you minded child. I’d message both and say you were upset at how you’ve been spoken to for doing a favour. You did gf a huge favour at short notice. You were happy to help and child is a lovely girl and girls played nicely together. You did specifically ask re allergies and food at drop off and gf said nothing. You certainly didn’t know child was veggie and neither mum or child said anything. To be honest your food sounds lovely and only chorizo is none veggie it could have been a lot more meat based menu. They should have been grateful and giving you a wine/chocolates not moaning.

Dixiechickonhols · 24/05/2021 11:59

Is brother saying she doesn’t want to speak to you? Probably not true I bet he’s panicking you’ll tell her he’s not veggie.

Spanglemum · 24/05/2021 12:04

I'm vegetarian and so are my children. When they were little my daughter was perfectly happy to tell people from age about 4 that she was vegetarian. My son has LD so I always mentioned it even if thought the person knew.

The girlfriend needs to understand that you're not a mind reader, she should assume things, you didn't do it 'on purpose' and really her daughter should be able to say something.

Spanglemum · 24/05/2021 12:05

@Spanglemum

I'm vegetarian and so are my children. When they were little my daughter was perfectly happy to tell people from age about 4 that she was vegetarian. My son has LD so I always mentioned it even if thought the person knew.

The girlfriend needs to understand that you're not a mind reader, she should assume things, you didn't do it 'on purpose' and really her daughter should be able to say something.

Should NOT assume things.
timeisnotaline · 24/05/2021 12:07

@BeansOnToast56

She pretty much refused to talk to me *@KaleSlayer* as she was to upset about my disrespectful behaviour. So nothing really got resolved last night apart from she admitted she never mentioned it when asked because I already knew. My brother said he will pop in after work later as doesn't want this to come between us, so I will see what he has to say for himself when he arrives. I have a dc with a serious allergy if I didn't tell somebody who was feeding him about it I couldn't possibly blame anybody but myself if he had a reaction, I am actually so shocked be her behaviour and hope this attention seeking isn't a personality trait.
He can apologise over text, why on earth is he not apologising but coming round? ‘This’ isn’t ‘coming between us’, you being a twat to me for no good reason when I’m doing you a favour is obviously a problem though.
NurseButtercup · 24/05/2021 12:07

Have we got to the point where we can start telling jokes about this madness??

She's 7 and old enough to tell you she's a vegetarian. So she clearly doesn't want to be a vegetarian. Did she lick the plate and ask for seconds of the chorizo pasta???

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 24/05/2021 12:11

So nothing really got resolved last night apart from she admitted she never mentioned it when asked because I already knew.

That's potentially gaslighting: telling you what you 'knew' when you clearly had no way of knowing in the first place.

Unless she's one of the minority of vegans/vegetarians who smugly pretend they assume their way is the only reasonable way that anybody could possibly agree with and don't mention not eating meat, in the same way they don't mention that they don't want you to beat their child or give them cigarettes....I'm also firmly with those who think the brother has told her that he's a vegetarian as well, so she assumes he will have mentioned that the whole family is - a bit difficult whilst he's happily chowing down on bacon butties.

All he needed to say was that his GF was veggie, they were bringing up their DD as veggie and that he, whilst not a veggie, only ate veggie at home/in her presence out of respect for her. The fact that he didn't do this is exactly why he's so angry now, because he's been well and truly rumbled.

If this is the case, I too don't see the relationship lasting long. Most vegetarians and vegans make the choice because they don't agree with/want to support the eating of animals; it's not just that they don't want to actually see animals being eaten and don't care otherwise. He might see it that what she doesn't know won't hurt her; she will see it as a big lie and a betrayal.

badg3r · 24/05/2021 12:23

I presume that the mum knew she ate meat at yours because her daughter told her? Surely at seven she is old enough to know she is vegetarian, what meat looks like, and to ask if it's meat. I wonder if there is an underlying pushback from the kid about wanting to eat meat but not being allowed. Either that or she was genuinely unaware she had eaten meat and upset when she found out.

BeefSupreme · 24/05/2021 12:28

Doesn’t sound like the little girl wants to be a vegetarian

Howshouldibehave · 24/05/2021 12:33

So nothing really got resolved last night apart from she admitted she never mentioned it when asked because I already knew.

Which sounds very manipulative and like she’s setting you up to fail so that she can hold it against you.

What’s worrying is your brother is cross with you-who he’s knows all his life-not her. Be careful!

LondonStone · 24/05/2021 12:36

So you’ve met this woman twice in your life (the first time for 5 minutes), you’ve never dined with her or her daughter, and you asked her directly to her face about her daughters dietary requirements but somehow you’re the bad person who is supposed to just somehow magically know she’s a vegetarian.

Honestly, she sounds like potential trouble. I’d probably vaguely apologise because I can’t stand the drama but you’re definitely not in the wrong and I hope it doesn’t become an issue between you all.

SpindleWhorl · 24/05/2021 12:42

How did the 7 year old vegetarian child know what chorizo was? I presume OP told her, that's a spicy sausage?

And the 7 year old ate it quite happily, despite being a vegetarian.

And the 7 year old then told her mummy, 'I had spicy sausage'. And the mum, who was adamant that the OP knew for a definite fact that she and her 7 year old were vegetarians, immediately also knew this had been a non-vegetarian sausage, and got OP's brother wound up, got him on the phone to OP, and is still being chirpy.

It all sounds so very odd and unnecessarily dramatic.

SunnydaleClassProtector99 · 24/05/2021 12:45

I've been veggie since 6 and didn't know what chorizo was till my thirties.
I'm guessing that the child didn't know either and just said she had chorizo to mum.
I feel there's a big part of the story missing here.

chesterelly · 24/05/2021 12:47

I've looked after children in a nursery situation who are veggie and aware enough to question new food eg/ is it veggie jelly?, what's chorizo - is it meat?. If I were you I'd just be patting myself on the back that you only gave her a tiny bit of chorizo in the pasta bake. I mean your menu could've read lunch - bacon sandwich, snack - chicken and veg skewers dinner- burgers and chips fried in lard.