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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have messaged relative in labour

194 replies

Wingingthis · 23/05/2021 16:06

Was with DM and she got a call to say that a close relative of mine had gone into Labour. So I gave her a quick message just saying how exciting & good luck.
Relative didn’t reply but has said to someone else that she’s annoyed. I honestly just thought I was being nice, never expected a reply. I was talking to her about hypnobirthing a couple of weeks ago and personally appreciated it when I got nice texts when going into Labour.
I feel really bad now & like I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m probably over thinking it. But was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
littlepattilou · 23/05/2021 20:39

@MindyStClaire

'I've never really been in labour, but I reckon I'd hate for people to know and be messaging. I'd rather be left in peace with DH rather than knowing however many people were pondering the dilation of my cervix. Definitely a time to just leave people alone and wait for the news of a baby.

@devilboughtmysoul

No one has pondered the dilation of your cervix so don’t worry - you’re not that important! Hmm

Well YOU are rude aren't you? Fecking hell, get out of the wrong side of bed did ya? Hmm

lucyslocketinherpocket · 23/05/2021 21:07

This is exactly why I told no one when I went into labour (except DH obviously, he was there). Good job I didn't either, because it took three bloody days Confused

She's probably annoyed that word got round when I bet she'd have preferred it not to. Although I wouldn't text someone in labour, knowing how I felt about it myself I'd err on the side of caution and wait for baby to born.

AgathaAllAlong · 23/05/2021 21:54

I think the fault is with the person who told you, depending on your relationship to them. You message, which is fine. She found it annoying, which is also fine. Annoying is different from thinking someone was wrong to do something. She then told another relative that she found it annoying, which depending on how close she is to the relative and how she said it (e.g. admitting it was unreasonable or blaming you) is also fine. We all need those people in life we can vent our unreasonable annoyances to! But the relative then told you, which is not fine. Sounds to me like relative was deliberately trying to cause trouble between the two of you.

diddl · 23/05/2021 21:56

" Don't tell the fucking world you are going into labour if you don't want ANY reaction from anyone."

She might not have "told the fucking world".

We don't know who she told & why that person told other(s)

saraclara · 23/05/2021 22:03

@diddl

" Don't tell the fucking world you are going into labour if you don't want ANY reaction from anyone."

She might not have "told the fucking world".

We don't know who she told & why that person told other(s)

Exactly! My daughter had already told us that she wouldn't be informing us when she went into labour. Very sensible I thought.

But her best-laid plans went astray when her waters broke while we were having coffee together!
I didn't tell anyone else she was in labour though, of course.

badacorn · 23/05/2021 22:10

Forget what the woman in labour said.. even if she did feel annoyed at you for texting (unreasonable of course, texting isn’t intrusive) I think she gets a pass given the circumstances.

The other relative who passed on the message to you shouldn’t have done that... not the time to shit stir

SmileyClare · 23/05/2021 22:27

@lucyslocketinherpocket

This is exactly why I told no one when I went into labour (except DH obviously, he was there). Good job I didn't either, because it took three bloody days Confused

She's probably annoyed that word got round when I bet she'd have preferred it not to. Although I wouldn't text someone in labour, knowing how I felt about it myself I'd err on the side of caution and wait for baby to born.

Weren't your close family concerned that you'd gone "missing" for three days? I let a couple of family members know out of courtesy really.

I suppose it depends how difficult the relations are!

Greenmarmalade · 23/05/2021 22:29

Don’t stress about it. You had good intentions and sent a nice text. I would have done the same!

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/05/2021 22:36

So glad mine were born before texting existed. I know your intention was to be nice, but I really don’t think texting someone while they are in labour is actually a nice thing for everyone. You simply assumed she’d be just like you. It was a mistake and I’d just apologise and move on.

GroovyPeanut · 23/05/2021 22:36

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Posters who say this is horribly intrusive, need to learn where the off button is on their phones!
What and have them miss out on a whole load of hand wringing and drama? 😂
lucyslocketinherpocket · 23/05/2021 22:42

@SmileyClare Well my mum guessed probably halfway through I think, because she didn't hear from me but she knew I didn't want people to know or have any fuss so she left me be. She didn't tell anyone.

I was a couple of days early which helped, and the first two days were slow so if people generally text me saying 'how are you?' I just replied 'fine thanks, bit tired'. Which was the truth. Or I didn't reply and people assumed I expect that I was a grumpy very pregnant person and didn't take offence!

SmileyClare · 23/05/2021 22:46

I don't think texting someone whilst they're in labour is a nice thing.

Sending a text is just leaving a message in someone's inbox. Literally dropping them a note.I don't really see how anyone could find it intrusive, particularly from a close family member or not see the kind intentions behind it?

There's no obligation to look at it or reply. In fact, in established labour I couldn't have told you where my phone was and couldn't have cared less about looking in my inbox Grin

DappledThings · 23/05/2021 22:47

But it's horribly intrusive - if your presence and encouragement was wanted, she'd have invited you to be a birth partner.
Ridiculously overdramatic. It was one text. One!

OP you did nothing wrong at all.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/05/2021 22:48

Can’t we just accept that some women find it intrusive, while others do not? We may all be mothers who have been through labour but that doesn’t make us a monolith with a hive mind on texts in labour.

SmileyClare · 23/05/2021 22:51

Fair enough Lucylocket each to their own. I find it a little weird that you went to some lengths to hide your labour almost. It might have worked equally well to have made it clear to your friends and family that you didn't want any fuss or visitors beforehand.

DappledThings · 23/05/2021 22:52

How can it be intrusive? Either you are right in the thick of it in which case surely you aren't checking your phone, or if it's early stages and you have your phone on you for distraction or something then you could be receiving messages and emails and all kinds of random stuff same as any other day. Why is one well wishing text more intrusive than anything else? Seems very silly to me.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/05/2021 22:56

@DappledThings
Whether it is intrusive is a subjective opinion unique to the receiver. It’s not an objective fact. You can think it’s not, but equally I can think it would be.

Luckyelephant1 · 23/05/2021 22:58

This thread has definitely reinforced my decision that I'm telling absolutely no one when I go into labour, except DH of course.

I don't think you were in the wrong OP, but equally from the annoyed relative's point of view she was probably exasperated that someone who she'd not personally told knew she was in labour and was wondering how many more people knew when it's not really any of their business. If I received a good luck text from someone I'd not told I'd be pretty annoyed and wonder who's gossiping and then have that feeling of pressure that lots of people are expecting to hear some good news in a few hours etc. I think there's enough to worry about during childbirth without all that.

DappledThings · 23/05/2021 22:59

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@DappledThings
Whether it is intrusive is a subjective opinion unique to the receiver. It’s not an objective fact. You can think it’s not, but equally I can think it would be.[/quote]
True. Same as I can still think it's an overreaction that the OP's relative will be embarrassed about down the line.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/05/2021 23:06

@DappledThings
True, and similarly, I think the OP is already embarrassed about sending the text, otherwise she would not be here seeking validation.

Olidocky · 23/05/2021 23:07

She's unreasonable. If you've got a phone on then you're contactable. Doesn't matter if you're in labour or in the middle of a tax return. If you don't want to be contacted then just switch your bloody phone off!
Don't bloody moan if some nice meaning person has sent you a text. Talk about precious if that's the worst thing that happens to you. Ffs!

MindatWork · 23/05/2021 23:15

I can’t believe the hammering this poor woman is getting on this thread and all for second or third-hand account that she was ‘annoyed’ about something (which she’s totally entitled to be it’s her birth, everyone is different).

She’s been called ‘self important’, ‘rude’, ‘ridiculous’ and god knows what else for daring to express a sentiment in private that she certainly wasn’t expecting to be passed on. It could have been a completely throw away comment and as others have said, most likely directed at whoever told you rather therm you personally, OP.

It’s not like she’s messaged or phoned OP and had a go - someone is obviously shit stirring somewhere along the line.

Cakeofdoom · 23/05/2021 23:19

What an absolute drama over nothing....there really are more important things to get annoyed about

AnxiousWeirdo · 23/05/2021 23:21

She was probably annoyed that the news has spread (seemingly) like wildfire. Maybe she told someone in confidence? I'd ignore the annoyed comment and just pretend I didn't hear it, after all she is pushing a melon out of her foof at the moment.

Birminghambloke · 23/05/2021 23:46

If she wanted you to know, she’d have contacted you. She’s likely frustrated to not be the bearer of her own news and to feel ‘talked about’. A loss of privacy, when already vulnerable to loss of privacy and dignity. Possibly too found the cheer leader tone patronising, although well intentioned. I’d hate to be the subject of perceived ‘gossip’ at a time of feeling potentially my most vulnerable. You meant well but you’ve ended up mixed in her frustration around her news travelling too fast. Again, someone has breached her privacy by telling you what she said about your text!