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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have messaged relative in labour

194 replies

Wingingthis · 23/05/2021 16:06

Was with DM and she got a call to say that a close relative of mine had gone into Labour. So I gave her a quick message just saying how exciting & good luck.
Relative didn’t reply but has said to someone else that she’s annoyed. I honestly just thought I was being nice, never expected a reply. I was talking to her about hypnobirthing a couple of weeks ago and personally appreciated it when I got nice texts when going into Labour.
I feel really bad now & like I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m probably over thinking it. But was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
StopSayingDueDiligence · 23/05/2021 19:20

Is it her first baby?

She's just being precious. It will all be forgotten when the baby is here.

Zealois · 23/05/2021 19:22

I'd be annoyed at whoever thought it was okay to come to you and tell you the woman was annoyed at your text! That's so unnecessary.

Anonapapple · 23/05/2021 19:24

My labour was long and took ages to get going, and I was happily texting everyone and filling in anyone who would listen. I honestly didnt know that labour was something people don't tell others about? Yanbu at all. I loved getting the messages of support and would have done the same.

However, after the baby was born I was really funny about having visitors and didnt want anyone to come to the hospital. Looking back I was being a bit precious but I felt very hormonal and all over the place. Maybe your relative was just in a bad place at the time. Labour can be a whirlwind of emotions for sure!

diddl · 23/05/2021 19:25

Perhaps it's more to do with your Mum telling you?

I had my PFB very early.

Unbeknownst to me my mum had phoned quite a few people including a friend who I specifically wanted to tell myself as she had suffered many miscarriages.

My Mum didn't know this & it hadn't occurred to me that my Mum would be instantly contacting my friends.

SatNightFever · 23/05/2021 19:27

Oh god what is it with people letting anyone know you’re in labour? . Isn’t anything sacred...

Just text around once baby appears. Much nicer for everyone than having all and sundry speculating for hours about how many cm dilated you might be.... 🤢

Bettyisboring · 23/05/2021 19:31

@PurpleDaisies

Have you considered that she hasn’t replied because she’s just had a baby? Literally just had a baby? Confused
She wasn’t complaining about not having a reply though?
mamamalt · 23/05/2021 19:38

You don't actually know what she said, just someone else's relay of information. I would forget it. Maybe she was annoyed but it was probably more to do with being in labour and having a brand new baby than to do with you. Forget it

MindyStClaire · 23/05/2021 19:41

I've never really been in labour, but I reckon I'd hate for people to know and be messaging. I'd rather be left in peace with DH rather than knowing however many people were pondering the dilation of my cervix. Definitely a time to just leave people alone and wait for the news of a baby.

saraclara · 23/05/2021 19:42

@SatNightFever

Oh god what is it with people letting anyone know you’re in labour? . Isn’t anything sacred...

Just text around once baby appears. Much nicer for everyone than having all and sundry speculating for hours about how many cm dilated you might be.... 🤢

Yeah. I REALLY wouldn't be wanting people having a mental picture of me in labour!

Times have changed for some obviously. When I was having mine I didn't know anyone who told/planned to tell people when they were in labour. And we didn't have mobiles so were safe from texts!

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 23/05/2021 19:45

If she's that pissy over a good luck/thinking of you message interrupting her birth, I wouldnt bother sending her a congratulations message or new baby card...God knows what you would be interrupting for her to read them and then how pissy would she be! Grin

Daphnise · 23/05/2021 19:49

It's best to wait till the baby is half way out, and then send a long text, perhaps with a photo.

She really should have been glad to get your text, grateful even.

HaggisBurger · 23/05/2021 19:54

@katy1213

But it's horribly intrusive - if your presence and encouragement was wanted, she'd have invited you to be a birth partner.
Dear God. “Horribly intrusive” she didn’t go round and check how many cm dilated she was .... Man people are precious. But I know I got a bit irrational around that time - so I’d put it down to that ... you sent a simple, kind text and didn’t expect (or chase for) a reply. I imagine she wasn’t actually on her phone if she was at a particularly important part of her labour.
SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 23/05/2021 19:54

Oh FFS you were being nice.

She could turn her phone off whilst in labour if she didn't want to see texts.

And who is shit stirring & why???

Ignore it op.

ineedaholidaynow · 23/05/2021 19:55

My MIL’s best friend’s daughter was having a baby. This friend was obviously keeping some of her friends up to date on the state of labour her daughter was in including MIL. My MIL then passed this information on to me. I have met this friend once and have never met her daughter. I did not need to know how dilated her cervix was, and I am sure she wouldn’t be impressed that a stranger 200 miles away knew the state of her cervix Shock I did think of MN as soon as I got the message!

Maybe messages have got slightly confused and the person having the baby was annoyed that someone had been spreading the word she was in labour, and isn’t actually annoyed with the OP

HaggisBurger · 23/05/2021 19:58

Maybe messages have got slightly confused and the person having the baby was annoyed that someone had been spreading the word she was in labour, and isn’t actually annoyed with the OP

This is more likely. I didn’t tell many people I’d gone into Labour. A good job given it was 72
hrs.

devilboughtmysoul · 23/05/2021 20:00

@Spied

Maybe she was 'in the zone' when her phone beeped and it totally put her off her stride. Maybe it beeped at an emotional or memorable time during the process. Labour is a private thing for a woman and perhaps she felt it was an intrusion. I'd not have text.
Omg. You think one ping of a text could distract from any moment of labour? You think she was being handed the baby and oops no sorry must check my phone.

What an absolute typical MN exaggeration.

The OP didn’t consistently ring the relative. Get a grip. Your reply is beyond embarrassing.

devilboughtmysoul · 23/05/2021 20:04

@MindyStClaire

I've never really been in labour, but I reckon I'd hate for people to know and be messaging. I'd rather be left in peace with DH rather than knowing however many people were pondering the dilation of my cervix. Definitely a time to just leave people alone and wait for the news of a baby.
No one has pondered the dilation of your cervix so don’t worry - you’re not that important Hmm
SmileyClare · 23/05/2021 20:05

Times have changed, when I was having mine, I didn't know anyone who told people they were in labour

I disagree, if we're talking about close family. I had my babies nearly 20 years ago and definitely told my mum and dad and siblings I was going into hospital in labour.
It would be a bit remiss not to, what if they had tried to contact me or were worried about where I was? (bearing in mind the first baby took nearly 72 hours). I think it was courtesy to let close family members know.

I certainly didn't feel embarrassed about their "mental images" of me legs in stirrups or whatever.. We've moved on from the Victorian era where labour was spoken of in hushed tones and even the midwife had to fiddle about under a sheet for modesty.

WhySoSensitive · 23/05/2021 20:11

I think it’s more likely she was annoyed at the person she told - telling people she was in labour.

I guess I’m the odd one out here but I wouldn’t want people knowing I was in labour. I wouldn’t like to receive a message like that as it would make me feel like people were waiting for updates.

Personal preference and all that.

Ratatattatpat · 23/05/2021 20:19

I wouldn't bother texting her again. I could not be arsed with the self importance of her. You were excited for her and wished her well so she spoke badly about you to someone else. Nice!

Keha · 23/05/2021 20:23

To be honest I wouldn't have wanted people texting me in labour and even said to my parents and in laws not to contact us before a certain time and we would update them. I know people say turn your phone off but I was using it to time contractions and listen to music. I wouldn't have been bothered about scam calls, I'd just have ignored it would have been the feeling that people were waiting and wanting to know what was happening (I know you didn't specifically ask that). So I wouldn't text someone in labour unless they contacted me first or I knew them very, very well. However I think you were just being kind and everyone is different. She may not have said what has been reported and even if she did she might not have told you because she knows it's not your fault someone told you.

diddl · 23/05/2021 20:26

I agree it's more likely that she's annoyed with the message being passed on.

So you have been told that she's annoyed-specifically with you or just in general?

I can imagine that she might have said that X phoned your mum who then told you (she might have thought that your mum had especially phoned you), & you then texted & that the whole thing is annoying.

Iwantanap · 23/05/2021 20:27

I think your mum told you and she's annoyed at that. She obviously didn't want it to be known. It's come back that she's annoyed but I reckon she's annoyed at your mum and not you. Your mum may be bending the truth or she was trying to hint to your mum that she's annoyed with her for telling people.
You either let it slide as it's all hearsay, or you can bring it up and say you're sorry if it upset her and explain you absolutely didn't want a reply but you like the positive messages

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 23/05/2021 20:33

If she wanted you to know and send encouragement then she would have called you.

She was probably annoyed your mum told you and felt that there were people, other than those she chose to tell, sitting about waiting for her to have a baby. I would feel really stressed knowing that loads of people are all waiting about for news.

The person who ran back and told you is the twat in this scenario though. No need for them to mention it at all.

littlepattilou · 23/05/2021 20:39

@Wingingthis FFS that's daft, for her to be 'annoyed.' Don't tell the fucking world you are going into labour if you don't want ANY reaction from anyone. How twatty.

That said, the mother-to-be may not have wanted anyone to know, so the person who told your mother is the one in the wrong, not you. (OR the mother-to-be.)

Hope mommy and baby is OK anwayz! Flowers And don't blame the new mother for being a bit miffed. Just let it go. But YANBU however! Smile

Also, like many other posters, I (and DH) never told ANYONE when I was in labour. We told everyone the next day. DD was born late at night, and I was shattered, and did NOT want anyone turning up at 9 or 10pm! I just wanted to sleep. And in my family, there are around 5 or 6 relatives who would have been on their way to the bloody maternity ward a within a SECOND of hearing I had gone into labour.