To think it would be easy to live without sex

[Viv08]

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

@Viv08

You've been really open and honest on here and I respect that . Sometimes AIBU is treated like the village stocks and people forget there are real human beings behind the posts.

I do think Relationships is also a good board on here, as is Sex. Mumsnet is not just AIBU - people who post here will inevitably get a more polarised and difficult crowd of people

It's also not a board where all advice needs to be taken literally either. It's rare for an OP to come back and give the direct implementation so to speak.

People have given very good advice on here but the best piece of advice by far?

Talk to your DH about how you are feeling.

It sounds like lack of foreplay is part of it, I know it can be hard to find the time and energy with a little one, but i can see how when you are exhausted him going on about having a quickie isn't that appealing. Do you enjoy other intimacy like cuddling in front of a film, or in bed?

@OtterInDisgrace

You have to open your eyes to how this will affect your DH. You cannot unilaterally decide that his sex life is over

Fuck this chain of thought. It’s one of the reasons marriage became an institution: to ensure men were guaranteed sex, no questions asked. If a woman doesn’t want sex there should be no reason she feels compelled.

Yes, this will mean you need to ask some serious questions about your compatibility with your partner. But no one should ever feel they owe anyone else anything - least of all sex.

Do you always see life in white and black? There is a huge difference between feeling obliged to serve someone no question asked because of power imbalance in the relationship (like it used to be) and just being considerate of the person you share your life with. I would absolutely not want to be with someone who would not care about my feelings or how their decisions affect me. That's not a relationship.

Decision not to have sex made by one person affects both people. There needs to be understanding on both sides and a serious conversation on how to move forward.

@TheGumption

Wow. Well done to these posters who essentially bullied a woman so much she felt she needed to lay on her back and think of England. Fucking rank.

Oh that's ridiculous.

There's dozens of posters on here who said OP is perfectly within her rights not to have sex. Lots of people who said it's always her choice. Some, did point out that her DH could eventually find the situation difficult and stretch the relationship to breaking point. That's not a call to arms. That's just advice based on reality.

There are many others as well who were clear about needing to talk to her DH about how he feels

This is AIBU remember, a board that invites polarised discussion on a topic that's phrased as a question .

As much as I want a higher standard of discourse on AIBU, there are other boards on here. Mumsnet is not AIBU.

There's Relationships and Chat, all with a good standard of posters who offer more nuanced advice

Then I just can’t win.

IABU is polarising and I think therefore often unsuitable for this kind of topic. Maybe give yourself a while to get over this thread and start something in Relationships. You have had some good advice on here - you'll get a greater proportion of good advice over there.

So many people were saying you were not obliged to have sex with him. Many other people were saying you should talk to him about what you genuinely want. And yet the advice you acted on was the worst of the lot. Why was that, do you think? Why of everything offered did you choose to follow that? (I don't want to know, I just think it might help you to ponder that).

If you do start a thread in relationships I think you need to make it clear that the sex you do have is not good or fulfilling for you. I can think of very few women who want to be dry humped or want zero foreplay. The reason I would really miss sex is because my OH is very considerate of my needs. If he were like yours, I wouldn't want sex at all.

@Viv08

Okay so early this morning, DC was still asleep. I was in the shower and was thinking so much about DH and sex and I started to feel bad for him.

I went to wake him and I Initiated sex.

I honestly wasn’t in to it, at all.

I knew I was only doing it for him.

I thought once we started i would enjoy it, but I didn’t.

It didn’t last very long and I got nothing out of it, I never orgasm in penetrative sex anyway.
We didn’t have foreplay, just got straight into it.

DH seemed to be pleased with it and all I kept thinking is well that should keep him happy for a little while longer.... 😔

OP you need to talk to your husband. It should be about both of you understanding your needs and working together as a couple not about you giving in.

Seems like you're are getting nothing out of sex which on top of you being tired with a toddler could be at the core of you your indifference to intimacy. He needs to make more effort to make it pleasurable experience for you as well.

I also think that for many women sex starts in the head so it's important that you improve your communication, connection and attraction with each other first.

And finally please relax and take it slowly. Stressing about sex will make you want it even less.

Some of the responses on this make my blood boil.

First of all, you have a 16 month old. You're breastfeeding. Your complete lack of libido right now might not be permanent. It's probably temporary.

Your DH needs to put in some effort to get you aroused. Perhaps you need a day of relaxing to not feel so exhausted...he could take out your DC and let you have a big rest? Then get a family member or friend to babysit for an evening and go out - time it around your time of ovulation! Do things that you know used to get you in the mood and even if you don't have sex at the end, it'll be a step in restoring intimacy.

You could equally wait a few more months until things get easier with your 16 month old. It is not at all unreasonable for your DH to wait until you're ready to want sex again.

I went through exactly the same and am happy to report that my DH now takes out our DC (30 months) for a couple hours every weekend so I get a bit of a rest, I'm done breastfeeding and my libido has suddenly become far higher than before I had DC.

I just wonder if all the people commenting on here would leave their partners should they become unwell and unable to have sex. Because having a baby does exactly that for a long time and the expectation that the husband should leave his wife or cheat on her is horrendous.

@StamfordHill

A LTR is basically an agreement to only have sex with one another. So having entered into that, you don't actually have sex with your partner, and you feel betrayed when they also don't keep their side of the agreement?

It's utterly unreasonable to tell someone: You can only get X whenever I choose to give it, and I'm choosing never to give it.

It's also utterly unreasonable for the other person to go and have sex elsewhere without saying "I am unhappy in this relationship and want to leave" Of course it's a betrayal to go off and have sex with anyone else. The. other person is at course entirely free to end the relationship if they don't want to be in a sexless one. But not to just go sleeping around elsewhere, unless thats been agreed.

@Viv08

*The sad thing is that DH eventually won't be pleased.*

He might even feel very used.

Then I just can’t win.

I posted here yesterday in the hope that I would be reassured that how I’m feeling is somewhat normal (after having a baby and breastfeeding) and that I would be given some advice on how to fix things or hear from people that have a sexless marriage.

So many posters have given me wonderful advice, but so many more have quite frankly make me feel horrendous about my already shitty situation.

Calling me me selfish, insisting I’ve broken my “contract”,
Telling me my husband will leave me or have sex with someone else.
People have suggested I have sex with him to please him as it’s what I should do in a marriage.

This morning there was a window of opportunity whilst DC was asleep and I took it.

Admittedly it wasn’t my idea of getting our romance back, but I know it was pleasing for DH and I feel like a shit wife that I wasn’t offering sex, so I offered it!

Having updated to say this, people are now saying they feel sorry for my husband that he’s getting a pity shag

I think lots of us have given so much advice that wasn't based around jumping into bed to have sex when you didn't want to.

I definitely said that a permanent sexless relationship often leads partners to stray. And I'm sorry if that was hurtful, I really am. It is also true.

But my advice (and most of the advice I read excepting a few bonkers posters) was communication.

I also suggested officially taking sex OFF the table for a few months and committing to building intimacy in other ways. I suggested using that time to reconnect with yourself and your husband. To reintroduce cuddling and kissing. To talk about what you like from sex.

I also suggested therapy. And said that your planned date night is a good way to start reconnecting,

I have the utmost sympathy for you. It all changes after a baby and your body feels like it's not your own. I also have the utmost sympathy for your husband. A sexless marriage can be incredibly debilitating, lonely, hurtful and can decimate self-confidence.

Lots of us are saying that you unilaterally deciding that physical intimacy is off the table is unfair. It is. It's not just the sex. You said you won't kiss him or be intimate in any way. That's not fair. And may well cause him to check out. And could lead to exit affairs.

Lots of people have also said that you shouldn't have sex when you don't want to - that is ALSO true. You having sex where you get nothing out of it will make you resentful. And ultimately him too I expect.

But these are not 'either / or's. It doesn't have to be a zero sum game. It needs to be about communication in a safe place (hence the suggestion of couple's therapy).

You need to reconnect with yourself and work out what will allow you to build intimacy. I genuinely think officially taking sex off the table for a period will help. So you can relax into kisses and cuddles without pressure.

But I think you need to commit to rebuilding intimacy in that time. Regular Date nights. Kissing. Cuddling. Building up to touching. Prioritising each other. Maybe trying massage. Maybe even just starting to hold hands more. Etc.

Basically you need to find a way to talk to each other. It's all sortable, but it takes work, openness and honesty.

Have you spoken to your gp?

@Viv08 I really think you should step away from this thread. Some of the opinions and advice being posted are very damaging. This doesn’t feel like a safe place.

I hope you can seek out some real life support. Or if you’d like to pm I’d be happy to chat.

Wishing you the best, op.

This is a really difficult situation and tbh this is one of the reasons I think marriage as an institution will never really fulfil the needs of both partners.

OP your recent post is a little bit heartbreaking: of course you shouldn't have to have sex you don't want and you shouldn't have to be pretending to enjoy it for your DH's sake. It's a situation which will be incredibly familiar to many women: breastfeeding or nursing small children when you feel that you are constantly beholden to small people for every waking minute, adding in a husband who doesn't pull his weight on the home front. When that husband also expects you to switch your sexuality on like a light switch its the most enormous turn off. It makes you feel overlooked, disrespected and unheard. I've been there.

But while you absolutely have every right not to have sex again, he also is well within his rights to decide he doesn't want to live like this. Telling someone their sex life is over forever is a big thing and honestly not many men will want that. I'm not saying that this is right or that its a reason for you to do it just to hold onto him. But the reality is that for many people sex is the glue that holds everything together. I know that if my partner told me he wanted to stay with me forever in a sexless relationship the answer would be no.

For me, marriage was a joyless drudge, an endless series of obligations and restrictions on my life and by the end sex was about the only thing keeping me there -- until it wasn't. There's no way I'd have put up with the limitations, the lack of freedom and the downright boredom of it without sex. I have no idea how your husband views your relationship but I think for a lot of people sex is the thing which validates all the other stuff which gets put into the bottomless pit of a marriage.

I think this dilemma is built into marriage tbh. The biological needs of men and women diverge massively after children are born and often neither party is fully alive to what this actually means for the future of their relationship. Marriage is an absolute passion killer.

Longer term I think the solution to this is better education for men and woman about marriage actually entails, but that clearly doesn't help you right now.

For you its got to be cards on the table time. You have to be honest that at the moment sex is not working for you. That may not be forever but it is for now. He then has all the relevant information and can make an informed decision. It may be that he can live with it or it might be a dealbreaker. But if its the latter at least you can both move on with your lives and be good coparents. At the moment both of you are living a lie and that can only make your marriage worse. If you want a shot at saving it you have to be honest with him.

I went 15 single years without sex. It almost killed me.
Unfortunately my partner now has lost his sex drive and its killing me again.
I need it.
Maybe your need will come back. If not I would not stay together if that's an integral part of a relationship to him.

We havent for ages now due to husband's medical issues (been a few months) and I dont really miss it at all tbh, we will get back to a better sex life one day when he is back to full health but I really am not bothered atm !

[quote Viv08]@Vodkaandballoon

as much as I love my partner I couldn't stay in a relationship where sex was completely off the cards.

Why? Wouldn’t you rather just be with the person you love with zero sex, than give up her person for sex with someone else?[/quote]
Thats what I dont get, surely a good relationship runs a lot deeper than a shag?

OP, if your hormones are not causing this, I would say you have fallen out of love with your husband.

It is understandable you want to keep him around as a friend and as the father of your child but the only thing that makes you a couple is attraction, if that is gone you are friends, flatmates, neighbours if you wish but not a couple.

I also find it interesting that you seem pretty convinced that he just need to learn to live with it. He will leave soon if he is lucky, if not, he would get progressively more miserable until he can’t see a reason to stay.

Thats what I dont get, surely a good relationship runs a lot deeper than a shag?

A shag or good loving sex between two people in love and wanting to enjoy the joy of sex?

A good relationship includes a good sexual relationship, clearly an unpopular opinion with some.

I disagree OP has fallen out of love, who says this is long term?? She has a very young child, its normal. OP Id say see how you feel as time goes on, lots of people go off sex but if you have a good relationship it should not matter that much for the time being?

@SadieCow

Thats what I dont get, surely a good relationship runs a lot deeper than a shag?

A shag or good loving sex between two people in love and wanting to enjoy the joy of sex?

A good relationship includes a good sexual relationship, clearly an unpopular opinion with some.

Disagree, a good relationship is talking, laughing, being close in many other ways , what if you could not have sex for a year due to a medical issue, would you just up and leave? A good relationship should be able to weather storms??

And I agree with you on this things @Coldwine75 but it also includes good sex, which IMO is important!

In this case, which is the one under discussion the OP doesn't have a medical reason, so mute point.

I don't understand why when someone wants a loving sexual relationship it's downgraded by people who don't, who describe it as "just a shag"?

Very very odd to me.

And yes weather storms @Coldwine75 , which would mean OP saying I don't want it at the moment because I'm breastfeeding, not I don't want sec ever again. Which is again the question on this thread.

It's a massive huge difference.

@SadieCow

Thats what I dont get, surely a good relationship runs a lot deeper than a shag?

A shag or good loving sex between two people in love and wanting to enjoy the joy of sex?

A good relationship includes a good sexual relationship, clearly an unpopular opinion with some.

Yeah I do find the attitude to sex can be quite weirdly fastidious on here sometimes. Someone made this point upthread. There is an attitude in some quarters on this thread that after having children sex is very much an optional extra, only to be done when the children are out of the house etc.

Sex is by no means the be all and end all of a relationship but its a fairly fundamental one and there's nothing grubby or sleazy about wanting to have sex with the person you're married to. A good relationship does run deeper than a shag, of course, but to some extent sex, or intimacy really because its more than just sex, is symbiotic with love. It's almost always a significant part of what drew couples together in the first place, its how children got conceived and its a way for people to maintain their connection amid the mayhem of family life. A partner who wants sex to be a priority in a relationship is not a selfish person.

None of this means the OP should have to have sex with someone she doesn't want, of course she shouldn't. But it does mean that expecting the DH to "go without" indefinitely is an unrealistic perspective. It's not like asking him to cut down on golfing weekends with the lads. For many people its a very central part of a relationship.

TBH I think when you've got to this point in a relationship its time to go your separate ways. The unbridgeable gap around intimacy is just going to create misery for both partners. You're already coparents. Why not just stop torturing yourselves.

Brilliantly put @thepeopleversuswork !

I can see both sides of the coin here.

On the one hand, I haven't had sex in about 7 years since my ex husband and I split up. I've been single all that time and I'm not particularly bothered by it. The only time I ever really feel like sex is around ovulation and just before my period starts and the desire isn't enough for me to consider compromising my (personal - I accept everyone feels differently) values and having casual sex.

I'm also well aware I may never meet someone else as I've made a (personal, again) commitment to remain celibate till marriage for religious reasons and most men just won't buy into that. On the plus side, it makes it easier to weed out the men who aren't looking for commitment.

But, if I married someone, I would expect to have a sex life as part of that marriage. There may be fallow patches and obviously noone should ever be forced. But I think an effort should be made - unless of course two people who are equally unbothered about sex agree to marry on the understanding of no sex.

I dont think OP has said anywhere, or implied this is indefinate?