To think it would be easy to live without sex

[Viv08]

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

tell him sex with you is over and allow him to decide freely whether he wants to leave.

It seems despite claiming to have a brilliant relationship, there are massive communication issues between you.

No one suggested "lying back and thinking of England". If you tried initiating sex and found you weren't enjoying it, then communicate that. You could have stopped at anytime or suggested something else to satisfy your husband that you were comfortable with. It's sad that you've been together 14 years yet you aren't addressing this elephant in the room.

Unless you communicate then eventually your dh will stop asking if you want sex and stop trying to initiate it. I think that's what you want but you're going about it the wrong way by just avoiding it, making excuses, and brushing your issues under the carpet.

Dh will draw his own conclusions and feelings of insecurity, rejection, loss of emotional intimacy, and a lack of honest communication will cause the damage to your relationship, not the lack of sex.

I agree with the posters who say men are the problem. It's a bloody cliché that men just want to get their rocks off and women need help round the house, took out for dinner and foreplay first. Obviously that's not true for absolutely everyone all of the time, but clichés become clichés because they're true for most.

So it's not unreasonable to expect every single man who ever existed in modern society to know that groping someone or humping them like a badly behaved dog or suggesting that their partner might like to quickly run through the Karma Sutra between doing the ironing and putting the dinner on, isn't going to get them what they want.

If men treated women with kindness and actual proper respect (so intimacy without the expectation of sex, pulling their weight at house chores and with childcare, attempting to understand what a women goes through when she's pregnant and has a baby and acknowledging that she's changed and her life is changed, doing all this all the time as normal, not 'as a favour', as a 'treat' or because they want sex) then women might be more inclined to sleep with them.

Lots of women like having sex, they just don't want to have sex with arseholes. Unfortunately in society women have been so conditioned to put up with bad behaviour that so many of them can't even recognize an arsehole when he's stood there in front of them waving his todger in their face as a 'hint' for a 'laugh' while they're trying to read a book. Or whatever dispicable, dehumanising, entitled 'ffs come on!' type behaviour he's chosen today.

And to the posters who say sex is why you put up with the downsides of a LTR - yeh I've met men like you. You're dispicable too. Because ultimately you don't want a LTR so you shouldn't be in one. You're pretending its what you want because it's how to get regular sex without paying for it (yes one acquaintance actually did say this!). It's not ok to find a partner who wants a LTR then pretend it's what you want too, just so you can get what you want. Then the minute sex is temporarily off the table for whatever reason you're breaking up with them or cheating on them. Shame on you, you're nothing but a selfish, dishonest liar, a user, out for what you can get.

@Viv08

Please please take this thread down! I was not expecting that kind of update and these posters are only adding to the already pressure you feel about having to sleep with him. In no way is that acceptable and it actually breaks my heart to read your update. If you want I can private PM you about your situation I'm happy to talk? But please consider taking this thread down. Mns has a really disgusting and bad habit of doing this. I've seen it on way too many threads recently, were they bully the poster into either feeling worse or doing something they dont want. In this way threads can become toxic. I've had this experience myself where I posted about a situation I wasnt feeling so great in and all the pps done was make me feel ten times worse. I had to shut it down for my mental well being. Forcing yourself to sleep with your dp when your not in the mood is not the answer here and shame to those posters (and wome that have made you feel like that

Yes your husband is happy but you are not. Therefore this is not okay.

@TheGumption

Wow. Well done to these posters who essentially bullied a woman so much she felt she needed to lay on her back and think of England. Fucking rank.

Quite. There is a weirdly Stepford Wives vibe to some posts on this thread.

But just look at the actually voting - half the votes say OP is NBU!

There's a king of mean girls group of mumsnetters who like to post about how they are gagging for sex at all times and could not possibly live without it for like a week. The reality is that many couples have virtually no sex at all. Some of them are perfectly happy; some of them are not.

@Viv08 you need to communicate! That is you best approach to your situation. Not getting into bed with your husband when your heart is not in it. And if your husband has any ounce of love and respect for you he wouldnt want you to jump into bed with him when you arent feeling it anyways. Please talk to him! And give yourself a break from all this worry. Nothing drastic needs to be done there and then. This is an issue that wont resolve over night it will take alot of communicating and openness. Just look forward to your date night and take it from there. And in the meantime please promise yourself not to ever sleep with him whilst you dont want to. It will only end up in resentment on your behalf

@TheGumption

Wow. Well done to these posters who essentially bullied a woman so much she felt she needed to lay on her back and think of England. Fucking rank.

Nobody bullied the OP. Well done for the hyperbole.

I've known 2 women in real life who have said "He'll just have to do without."

In both cases they didn't.

In one case he's now happily remarried; his ex wife is bitterly single.

@StamfordHill

I'm curious OP, if you found out he was having sex on the side, would you feel betrayed? And if yes, why?

I'm not OP but I would imagine yes, if her husband hadn't agreed with her that it was OK to be in an open relationship. How bizarre.

I'd like to see if these posters were having to advise their mum or sisters about the same thing if their stance and opinions would still be the same...... I highly doubt it. I cant see most of these posters feeling that pressuring their family or making them feel bad for not sleeping with their partner would be appropriate...... take all these posts with a grain of salt op. It's easier to say whatever to stranger online. Doesnt mean that's how they would try act upon it in real life.

I find the more I have sex the more I want it..ie if we go a while then I can't be bothered!

I'm also overweight and don't feel good about myself...however I'm currently losing weight and know that as I feel better about myself I'll no doubt want to have sec more!

Sex is an important part of relationships and it must be hard for your DH who clearly still adores you!

Do you have any contact at all? A cuddle? Hand hold?

[quote Viv08]@Ginuwine

Well all this talk of my husband leaving me to fuck someone else is hardly reassuring....

I thought once we got started I’d be really in to it.
DH was, I wasn’t.
DH didn’t know that![/quote]
Tbh I don't think most people setting out to do a perfunctory fuck with no foreplay just hop on hop off would be very into it.

Whatever else has been said on here, the "don't have sex you don't want" has also been massively reiterated. You need to talk to him.

Do you think he'd be happy knowing he got a pity fuck so he doesn't cheat? If so you really need to get out. If not, talk to him. Tell him what he can do to help build intimacy or that you never want to have sex with him again. But you need more honesty not less

Yikes Op.
I’m sort of thinking sexually you might not be compatible anymore. I mean. Personally sex is important to me - if we didn’t meet somewhere in the middle - I would leave and he would probably leave too.

Also.... no to the pity fuck. That was just a bit mean OP. Talk to him.

So why not have sex anyway, just to please him? Does your husband never do anything just to please you?

Nobody should have to have sex if they don't want to.
This is shocking advice.

Very little advice suggested a pity fuck. Lots of suggestions that you figure out what might help you get back to an intimate relationship - including some that said to go through dating with sex taken off the table entirely for a few months.

Lying back and thinking of England will make things worse. But having had sex 3 times in a year and a half, your husband will probably be prepared to do pretty much anything you ask to get things started again. Starting with some foreplay that’s not about getting him off etc.

*A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.*

I bet this made him feel like absolute shit.
Sec isn't just about the act, it's about intimacy and desire, about making each other feel wanted.

It's totally okay to not want sex - but your husband needs to be aware and not strung along: trapping someone in a sexless relationship is cruel

@LigPatin and I bet it also made the op feel like shit. Why would anyone in their right mind think the best way to initiate sex when your partner is a new mum and hasnt been feeling into it is to suggest a quickie in that manner

He knew he was setting himself up for failure there. That was minimal effort on his behalf. He didnt even try to get her in the mood. Dont penalise the op for not willingly go along with something that pathetic.

So why not have sex anyway, just to please him? Does your husband never do anything just to please you?

I sincerely don't get this attitude, there are so many things in my marriage that I do for my wife and vice versa, solely to please the other.

Do you do stuff that is actively unpleasant for you, uncomfortable, possibly painful? Is she ok with that or do you lie to her about how unpleasant it is for you?

[quote Flatpancakes23]@LigPatin and I bet it also made the op feel like shit. Why would anyone in their right mind think the best way to initiate sex when your partner is a new mum and hasnt been feeling into it is to suggest a quickie in that manner

He knew he was setting himself up for failure there. That was minimal effort on his behalf. He didnt even try to get her in the mood. Dont penalise the op for not willingly go along with something that pathetic.[/quote]
Sounds like someone trying to be exciting and sexy to his partner.

How about you go away and work out your own issues before labelling people as pathetic for their completely acceptable seduction attempts.

The sad thing is that DH eventually won't be pleased.

He might even feel very used.

Then I just can’t win.

I posted here yesterday in the hope that I would be reassured that how I’m feeling is somewhat normal (after having a baby and breastfeeding) and that I would be given some advice on how to fix things or hear from people that have a sexless marriage.

So many posters have given me wonderful advice, but so many more have quite frankly make me feel horrendous about my already shitty situation.

Calling me me selfish, insisting I’ve broken my “contract”,
Telling me my husband will leave me or have sex with someone else.
People have suggested I have sex with him to please him as it’s what I should do in a marriage.

This morning there was a window of opportunity whilst DC was asleep and I took it.

Admittedly it wasn’t my idea of getting our romance back, but I know it was pleasing for DH and I feel like a shit wife that I wasn’t offering sex, so I offered it!

Having updated to say this, people are now saying they feel sorry for my husband that he’s getting a pity shag

@LigPatin dont make me laugh. How is "hey babe you fancy jumping on the table for a quicke" seductive 😂 maybe we have different standards but that definitely wouldnt get my motor running and it clearly hasnt worked on the op either which is the main thing here. She wasnt flattered or seduced. She was put off.

Seduction to me is romance and attentiveness. And given the fact they havent had sex in 16months yes I do think that attempt was pathetic because it was minimal effort which I'd expect from a guy in a club. Not from a husband that knows his wife that has become a new mum and is mostly tired all the time. You cant get upset at the op because she didnt jump in bed with him to consider "his feelings".