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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it would be easy to live without sex

404 replies

Viv08 · 22/05/2021 16:11

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

OP posts:

SadieCow · 23/05/2021 17:49

@Coldwine75 read the first post!

FFS the title also indicates her intention and that's the point in the whole thread!

It wasn't, I'm breastfeeding and not wanting sex. If it was she would've got measured responses based on that.

SadieCow · 23/05/2021 17:53

@Coldwine75 op also states when asked did she enjoy the last sex she had (the one before this morning).

*Yes, I did. But I’ve had no desire to repeat it.
*
It's written all through her posts, she would be happy in a sexless marriage.

99victoria · 23/05/2021 17:57

I always find these threads surprising.

My OH and I probably have sex about once a week generally. We're in our late 50s/early 60s. I enjoy it but I don't crave it. It isn't the most important thing in our relationship.

If something happened to either of us and it meant that our sex life had to end I honestly don't think it would be the end of our relationship on either side. It certainly wouldn't bother me. There is more to intimacy than sex

boredbuttercup · 23/05/2021 18:08

Disagree, a good relationship is talking, laughing, being close in many other ways , what if you could not have sex for a year due to a medical issue, would you just up and leave? A good relationship should be able to weather storms??

Of course a good relationship is those things. But a good romantic relationship (because I talk, laugh and are close with my platonic friends) also includes sex. I'd walk away from a relationship if any of those other things were off the table for good, it's the same for sex.

@Coldwine75

And this isn't a year, it's not about weathering a storm, OP's not interested in having sex ever again. This isn't getting through a rough patch, it's changing one of the fundamentals the relationship was built on, her H shouldn't just have to accept that anymore than OP should have sex she doesn't want. It may just mean they're no longer compatible.

Coldwine75 · 23/05/2021 18:09

Oh ok if its never having sex ever again that's different, but I doubt OP really thinks this, could be just the exhaustion of a 16 month old!

SadieCow · 23/05/2021 18:13

@99victoria and @Coldwine75 but all this what if they couldn't have sex, it wouldn't mean the end of the relationship. You're right, but there is a huge difference between I can't because I'm unwell (totally fine and understandable) but not just because I don't want to anymore.

If my DH couldn't work because of illness, we had to downsize and lose lots of life's good things fine, non issue!

If he chose not to work because he felt like he didn't want to and we lost everything... not fine.

Winkywonkydonkey · 23/05/2021 18:17

Fwiw I genuinely found watching bridgerton helps with removing some of the "eugh please don't try it on tonight" feeling

99victoria · 23/05/2021 18:19

Actually I don't think it is that different for me. If my OH said he didn't really fancy having sex anymore but he still loved me and wanted to be with me, and that he demonstrated that in all the many other areas of life we share and enjoy together, I would honestly be ok with that.

Coldwine75 · 23/05/2021 18:20

@99victoria

I would too, i would not throw it away if everything else was great x

SadieCow · 23/05/2021 18:27

How old are you @Coldwine75 , because @99victoria is late 50s/early 60s.....

I don't think a sexless marriage is so appealing in your 30/40s?

But maybe you could live with a sexless marriage, but describing a happily married and sexually happy active couples sex life as "just a shag" is awful. IMO!!

And one partner wanting that sexually intimacy and joy, should not be described in such a disparaging way as they "just want a shag"!

Coldwine75 · 23/05/2021 18:29

Im late 40's and honestly there is a lot more to my marriage than just sex!! If it meant never having sex again or losing the man i love of 26 years, i know what id do!

SadieCow · 23/05/2021 18:36

Im late 40's and honestly there is a lot more to my marriage than just sex!! If it meant never having sex again or losing the man i love of 26 years, i know what id do!

I think I've covered the fact that it's not JUST SEX, about five times!

I think I've covered that's it's still important and NOT JUST A SHAG!!

SadieCow · 23/05/2021 18:40

And for me @Coldwine75 without love and intimacy would just be "just a shag"!

I don't have that with my husband, we have good intimate sex!

RealisticSketch · 23/05/2021 18:47

[quote thelegohooverer]@Viv08 I really think you should step away from this thread. Some of the opinions and advice being posted are very damaging. This doesn’t feel like a safe place.

I hope you can seek out some real life support. Or if you’d like to pm I’d be happy to chat.

Wishing you the best, op.[/quote]
Absolutely this.
Op, everything you are feeling istotally normal and when you feel like this you can't imagine it ever changing. If it doesn't then so be it. But, you and your dh aren't just players on a stage acting out what other people think should happen, you are two souls who love each other and a relationship is where those two things meet, sex is only the expression of that, and you are in a very very very common place feeling the way you do so soon after having a child. But if you both listen, respond to each other emotionally as you share how you both feel you will find a way to the new you (both of you) whatever that is.
I think my eldest was 4 before, after dancing round the edges of it and muddling through, we finally had a big heart to heart and found that we both still really liked and loved each other, so could find a way through, and it took time but we did. Dh was not at all interested in straying, that does not automatically follow. If I told him sex was never going to happen he might have decided to leave the relationship but he would not have cheated cos that just isn't in his moral compass.
Now, I would say my desire comes from my heart more than my loins so to speak even now, but it doesn't matter, all of me wants to do what we're doing (he's a lovely man) and all of me enjoys it. This was only possible because we sorted out everything except sex and the sex came last. Talking, consideration, care, tenderness... Investing time and attention in each other.

Wish you well op, you're not alone and the future could be anything yet.

VeganCheesePlease · 23/05/2021 18:48

There is a massive difference between someone in a relationship not wanting sex and being unable to have sex. I can tell you wholeheartedly if my DH could no longer have sex, I'd love him just as much, but while we both can, we both enjoy it and it is important to us both.
The matter here is that OP doesn't want sex and her DH does, so that's where the issues come into play. It's not being in the dark ages to say need to discuss this. If this was her DH on here saying he's unhappy because he wants sex and she doesn't, the advice would be the exact same, that he needs to consider if this will work for them both longterm.

SadieCow · 23/05/2021 18:59

Oh and by the way @Coldwine75 I'm mid 59s, DH 60 been married for 34 years.

I understand the requirements for marriages to last!

SadieCow · 23/05/2021 19:03

*50s

BertramLacey · 23/05/2021 19:10

Thats what I dont get, surely a good relationship runs a lot deeper than a shag?

Well yes. For me, within a good relationship there is great sex and that is far, far more than just a shag. It's something very different. It's about establishing intimacy, closeness and love. There is no-one else I will be as intimate and caring with as I am with my partner. And if one of us is ill and cannot have sex? Then we accept that. We love each other and want to be with each other and we can weather that storm. But if one of use decides we've gone off sex, and rejects that intimacy and closeness, then there is a fundamental problem.

Big difference between casual shagging and great sex with someone you're in love with. Huge difference between being unable to have sex for medical reasons, and rejecting your partner because you don't fancy sex with them.

Kinvara11 · 23/05/2021 19:34

I'm sorry you're struggling with this OP. There's NOTHING wrong with you. You have a young child and you're breastfeeding. This alone explains a lot. If your husband were to just up and leave you for sex with someone else at this point...well good riddance to him. He needs to be supportive of you at this time. His 'needs' can wait for now. Any man worth their salt would be OK with this. Just for now.... not forever.

What jumped out from your last update though is 'bad sex'. Why would anyone ever want to put them selves out for bad sex? I know I wouldn't. I totally understand why you did it though. It seems that a little (or a lot) of care and attention is missing on his part. Does he understand your needs at the moment? Is this something that could be worked on?

thepeopleversuswork · 23/05/2021 19:44

Exactly.

I think OP you need to figure out whether this is a temporary thing or something more permanent. It is totally understandable that you can't face it at the moment. No decent spouse would have a problem with this. But if you want him to put his libido in the deep freeze indefinitely but still remain in a committed relationship that's a different proposition and one a lot of people couldn't make peace with.

I wonder if counselling could help with this? I imagine its difficult to get this clear in your own head at the moment.

Allthereindeersaregirls · 23/05/2021 19:50

So why not have sex anyway, just to please him? Does your husband never do anything just to please you?

Sex isn't watching a film you aren't interested in or going to the concert of a bad you don't like, being the one that always takes out the bin. It's an intimate physical and emotional experience, not something that should be done purely for the sake of another person. If you think those things are even vaguely the same I have serious concerns for your sense of self worth and emotional well-being.

Flatpancakes23 · 23/05/2021 20:12

@Allthereindeersaregirls Its worrying how many posters on here happily admitted they're not really into having sex with their partner when the do it, but they do it because to them it's like taking part in a hobby they dont like or going somewhere they dont like. It's actually quite sad. Like you said in no way is I cook for my dp although i hate it comparable or the same as literally allowing someone to enter your body. Nothing is more personal than sex and it shouldnt be treated as a favour.

SmileyClare · 23/05/2021 21:21

Its worrying that people admit sex is like taking part in a hobby they don't like

I compared sex in a long standing relationship like going for a run. The difference I suppose is that I love running, I just can't be arsed sometimes.

Sometimes I don't feel like bothering pulling on my trainers and going for it, I'm a bit tired or feeling lazy. However, when I do make the effort, I really enjoy it, those feel good hormones get released I and feel fantastic afterwards.

Also occasionally pleasuring your partner sexually as a favour is a kind gesture in my books. There's nothing "sad" or sinister about it.
I will confidently turn my partners advances down if I want to. It's hardly Stepford Wives territory.

Sometimes I think a couple's sex drives are mismatched from the start but one partner goes along with a lot more sex than they actually want. Op said herself they used to shag on the kitchen table quite regularly. It's only when they're truly comfortable, familiar and years down the line that they start being honest about disliking sex.

Coldwine75 · 23/05/2021 21:30

I think a lot of us do.it because we feel we should, its another chore to tick off the list....

Ginuwine · 23/05/2021 21:38

@Coldwine75

I think a lot of us do.it because we feel we should, its another chore to tick off the list....

If you feel that way then can I ask why you do it?

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