To think it would be easy to live without sex

[Viv08]

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

Sometimes I don't feel like bothering pulling on my trainers and going for it, I'm a bit tired or feeling lazy. However, when I do make the effort, I really enjoy it, those feel good hormones get released I and feel fantastic afterwards.

And if afterwards you felt crap? Those feel good hormones didn't get released? You were just sweaty and a bit sore? Would you keep running?

My DH is great in bed, I orgasm quickly and often, but I don't enjoy it, I don't feel good afterwards it just doesn't do anything for me. And because of that, it's not great for DH either. He enjoys sex, but enjoys it much more when I do.

I don't do it much as dont really enjoy it either but Dh and I are close in many other ways . Sometimes really enjoy it but be honest, most people feel they should do it xxxx a month ?

@Allthereindeersaregirls

Sometimes I don't feel like bothering pulling on my trainers and going for it, I'm a bit tired or feeling lazy. However, when I do make the effort, I really enjoy it, those feel good hormones get released I and feel fantastic afterwards.

And if afterwards you felt crap? Those feel good hormones didn't get released? You were just sweaty and a bit sore? Would you keep running?

My DH is great in bed, I orgasm quickly and often, but I don't enjoy it, I don't feel good afterwards it just doesn't do anything for me. And because of that, it's not great for DH either. He enjoys sex, but enjoys it much more when I do.

Genuine question - how can you not enjoy having orgasms (plural no less!)

Genuine question - how can you not enjoy having orgasms (plural no less!)

I enjoy the sensation of the orgasm, but to me, enjoyable sex and much more. But my head's just not in it. It feels perfunctory, like a wank I guess. I think lots of women need their head to be in to orgasm, it's more than just physical but for me orgasm's are easy to get, simply correct physical stimulation, no psychological aspect.

enjoyable sex and much more.

enjoyable sex IS much more.

No I wouldn't keep running if I didn't enjoy it.

I made that analogy because Op said that when she has sex with dh she has always enjoyed it, although never craving it.

Obviously that was before op's rather dramatic update claiming to have instigated sex and carried on faking enjoyment.

I certainly wasn't advocating having fake pleasurable sex.. It's sad that in a 14 year relationship, Op doesn't feel able to be honest.

I sympathize with you OP.

I have two DC and it’s been the same after both of them while I’ve been breastfeeding. The hormones (or lack thereof) during breastfeeding totally kill my libido. It’s like my vagina literally shrivels up and dies. And the lack of lubrication due to breastfeeding actually makes sex painful, in addition to the fact that my cervix is low as well unlike during ovulation.

But, once breastfeeding reduces a bit and my periods come back (didn’t happen until 18 months with DD) then BANG... my sex drive comes back with a vengeance! I feel like a cat on heat during ovulation.

Hope this will be the case for you too OP.

Personal question - what about masturbation? I don’t even want to masturbate when I’m breastfeeding.

Some of the responses on here make me really sad and wonder if some of the posters were men. I wish men would understand more how having a baby and breastfeeding affects a woman’s body.

I had sex after my 1st child to get my 2nd but was not keen really - I was a bit touched out - I remember being told (By my mother) I MUST service my man - it resulted in me throwing money at him and telling him to find a woman if he needed (He was pretty shocked and didn't)

Once child 2 stopped feeding - suddenly my libido came back .. our relationship and sex life improved massively

IMHO - 16 months is still early days!

I don't think it's horrible. He isn't taking your feelings into account. After being busy all day, a 'quickie on the table' seems like a stupid suggestion. Esp when you need time to wind down.

Intimacy definitely seems to be lacking. Without foreplay, there isn't much appeal to sex for many women.

@Watermelon7799

I don't think it's horrible. He isn't taking your feelings into account. After being busy all day, a 'quickie on the table' seems like a stupid suggestion. Esp when you need time to wind down.

Intimacy definitely seems to be lacking. Without foreplay, there isn't much appeal to sex for many women.

I'm the opposite. Of course outside of the bedroom as it were, I want to be treated well, lovingly etc but I would get the ick at some major seduction scenario, some kind of contrived 'here we are being intimate' scenario. (bleurg). I like sex to be urgent, passionate and pretty fast and all things being equal would way prefer a good seeing to on the dining room table than silk sheets, candles and endless faffing about in the bedroom.

It's the no foreplay that would put me off. Of course some people don't need much at all, but he needs to know if you need it! He needs to know what will help (for example, not touching your breasts).

As a woman who had an affair, sex isn't just about sex. It's not just the act. It's about feeling wanted and desired, needed and loved.

By deciding you don't want to have sex with your DH you are telling him that you don't desire him or that intimacy. It will slowly destroy him.

Be honest with him. He deserves to know its not him, its you.

And if you want to stay married and have no sex, at least let him find a fwb to find what he's not getting with you. And then hope he doesn't full in love.

The bathroom isn't the most important room in our house but the house wouldn't work as a house without it.

@ClareBlue

The bathroom isn't the most important room in our house but the house wouldn't work as a house without it.

Love it

the OP's problems was something like vaginismus, where the act is really painful, that would be a different discussion. But refusing intimacy for almost 1.5 years just because you don't feel sexy or you can't be arsed, is plain selfish and unreasonable.

Agreed. Here's the thing. You have chosen to bring a little life into this family and by doing that you must have planned to stay a family forever.

However it's not reasonable to expect your husband to stay in a marriage where you refuse sex and intimacy so your choice now is to break up your family and hurt your husband and child or work towards fixing this.

@Countrygirl2021

the OP's problems was something like vaginismus, where the act is really painful, that would be a different discussion. But refusing intimacy for almost 1.5 years just because you don't feel sexy or you can't be arsed, is plain selfish and unreasonable.

Agreed. Here's the thing. You have chosen to bring a little life into this family and by doing that you must have planned to stay a family forever.

However it's not reasonable to expect your husband to stay in a marriage where you refuse sex and intimacy so your choice now is to break up your family and hurt your husband and child or work towards fixing this.

Riiiiiiiggghhhht. What dated, offensive bullshit. OP has to essentially perform as a prostitute or she is apparently responsible for 'breaking up her family and hurting her husband and child'.

" work towards fixing this" = " has to essentially perform as a prostitute"

Really?!

So the OP should compromise for her husband? Why shouldn't he compromise for her? He should at least work towards making intimacy easier/more enjoyable/less of a chore for her if that's what he wants.

It's normal for women's libidos to fluctuate, especially after having a baby or breastfeeding.

We all go through phases.... but what if no sex meant no marriage? I’ve told my other half if he wants more sex he’ll have to do more housework. I’m knackered, between the full time job and a toddler , not to mention cooking and cleaning for him as well......

@tentimesaday that's a fucking leap isn't it?

Acting like a prostitute?

I think the OP suggested making a effort to fix a situation that her DP, very understandably is unhappy with.

Having sex with the person you are married to is acting like a prostitute now is it? That's a bloody offensive view

@thepeopleversuswork

Yeah I do find the attitude to sex can be quite weirdly fastidious on here sometimes. Someone made this point upthread. There is an attitude in some quarters on this thread that after having children sex is very much an optional extra, only to be done when the children are out of the house etc.

It's the Mumsnet demographic aging. I remember long, long ago, when AIBU was mostly threads about parenting issues and complaints about husbands with low sex drives.

Now when sex is mentioned there's a big Ewww! response. Which suggests that a lot of the same people are older and are shutting up shop now.

[quote Catullus5]@thepeopleversuswork

Yeah I do find the attitude to sex can be quite weirdly fastidious on here sometimes. Someone made this point upthread. There is an attitude in some quarters on this thread that after having children sex is very much an optional extra, only to be done when the children are out of the house etc.

It's the Mumsnet demographic aging. I remember long, long ago, when AIBU was mostly threads about parenting issues and complaints about husbands with low sex drives.

Now when sex is mentioned there's a big Ewww! response. Which suggests that a lot of the same people are older and are shutting up shop now.[/quote]
This is an interesting idea (that its people aging) but I don't think its the whole story.

A lot of people (pre menopause) seem not to be bothered about sex at all. Which is totally fine and all power to them: in many ways it must be hugely liberating. But it's really not very consistent with being in a marriage or long term relationship.

I can't understand why you'd put yourself through the hassle and limitation of being married if you had no desire to have sex with your partner. Far better, if there's no romantic or sexual spark, to be single, surely?

MN seems to be littered with people of both genders who are in sexless so called relationships.

You can have sex without a relationship but I’m not sure whether you can have a real relationship without sex And sex is not all just about penetration.

Even in my most single times, I’ve had a need for sex. In spite of what some others may feel, l learned long ago that there is nothing wrong in having sex with a good friend. The trust and respect are there already.