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Original poster

How would you punish a 15 year old who told you to piss off?

638 replies

Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 13:53

Stepson lives with me full time, no mother in the picture. Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off and to get a grip. When I said you're grounded now he said oh ok, but I'm not.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to fucking throttle him.

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

He's turning 16 in June, I ordered him an IPhone just yesterday that he has wanted for a long time and cancelled it this morning, fuck that, now he can piss off. He didn't know about the phone as it was a surprise.

Little shit.

OP posts:
Divineswirls · 22/05/2021 14:12

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Cowbells · 22/05/2021 14:12

Not an over reaction at all, I will not be told to piss off by anyone, let alone a boy of almost 16 that I cook and clean for.

That's where I'd pitch the punishment. Instead of getting rid of things he loves which will make him hate you, insist he says, 'Thank you for...' before you do anything for him relating to food, drink, laundry, cleaning etc, so that he learns to appreciate you. Within a day he will realise what you do for him and then you can explain why it is so hurtful to you and disrespectful of him to speak like that to someone who does so much to take doo care of him. You could also get him to ask permission to do everything for himself.

I did something like this with DS1 who attempted to be a rude little sine at that age. I made him say 'Thank you' for literally everything I did before I did it. He stopped being rude.

itsgettingwierd · 22/05/2021 14:13

@Cowbells

Not an over reaction at all, I will not be told to piss off by anyone, let alone a boy of almost 16 that I cook and clean for.

That's where I'd pitch the punishment. Instead of getting rid of things he loves which will make him hate you, insist he says, 'Thank you for...' before you do anything for him relating to food, drink, laundry, cleaning etc, so that he learns to appreciate you. Within a day he will realise what you do for him and then you can explain why it is so hurtful to you and disrespectful of him to speak like that to someone who does so much to take doo care of him. You could also get him to ask permission to do everything for himself.

I did something like this with DS1 who attempted to be a rude little sine at that age. I made him say 'Thank you' for literally everything I did before I did it. He stopped being rude.

That's actually genius Grin
Tossblanket · 22/05/2021 14:13

I'd probably burst out laughing to be honest 😂

Divineswirls · 22/05/2021 14:13

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/05/2021 14:13

"Punish" ... It very often doesn't work and then you need to impose it. You might run out of things to take away from him and it just increases the conflict.

Maybe sit down and talk to him in a non confrontational way. Ask how he would organise things. What does he think is fair. What did he need to do that day. If he is busy, when can he do his share... if you can get a dialogue going, you might avoid a head on confrontation which doesn't help your exhaustion.

wigjuice · 22/05/2021 14:14

So you are just going to keep adding punishments then? I think it's rather telling that you refer to him as the child. I to have a 15 year old and he can be very stroppy, I wouldn't put up with being spoken to like that, but he would be reprimanded there and then and then a real conversation would be had, not throw one punishment after another at him, that shows rather a lot of bitterness towards him.

Faultymain5 · 22/05/2021 14:14

@itsgettingwierd

So a member of a household is asked not to make plans as the whole household needs to work together for a morning to do some jobs.

One makes plans anyway and when called out on it says "piss off"

And lots of peoples solution isn't to remove privileges but to pissy foot around?

Fuck that.

My ds is about the same age and I've always said he can have freedoms and I'll support and facilitate his hobbies and social life if he returns the respect by doing his bit within the family home.

It's called raising your children.

I agree with this.

Although, I’d say it’s ‘trying’ to raise our children as none of us know if our methods are working.

I know if those words escaped my lips when I was 15 I might have just come out of my coma now😂. Much less go out against strict directions. It’s a brave (and more enlightened new world).

Snowinsummer · 22/05/2021 14:14

It's hard. Sometimes you get it right, sometimes you get it wrong. I also hate being disrespected but if you push them
into a corner I find it gets worse.
I would be more concerned about the skipping school myself. Have a look at non violent resistance I find it's very helpful.

RosaBudDrood · 22/05/2021 14:15

@Divineswirls

I'm guessing he left so he didnt have to be around you all morning.

Think about that for a while.

Or he left because he couldn't be arsed to help?
forsucksfake · 22/05/2021 14:16

These "overreaction" replies must be from teens or the permissive parents of rude teens.

If any 16-y-o child in my care swore at me, there would be hell to pay until I got a sincere apology. You're right to cancel the iPhone and to take away the PlayStation and any other privileges until he says sorry and starts chipping in more around the house. You'll be doing yourself, your other kids, and the world a huge favour. Stay firm.

thecatfromjapan · 22/05/2021 14:16

Also, is there something more going on with him?

That's the real reason for de-escalation-talk approaches.

If he's suddenly being less reasonable/boundary-pushing/hostile, there can be other stuff going on. It can be an early warning.

We often think this stuff is about us, as parents. And then we discover it isn't. It was something else, and the child was acting out with a safe adult because they're not very good at sorting things out in an adult way.

So, talking is always useful.

But - I think it's very harsh that you seem to be being left to deal with all this.

And I also think being a parent really sucks. You get dumped on so much. You cook, clean, organise and you get used as an emotional sponge.

So not at all surprising you think, 'No! I'm a person. With boundaries. And a right to be respected.'

Problem is, he's a child still - so you do have to take the time and have a conversation - rather than just expecting him to get it.

Annoying but true.

PanamaPattie · 22/05/2021 14:16

Parent fail. You've gone nuclear too soon. He doesn't like you and I can see why. You don't tell DC not to make plans - that's a major conflict - ask and discuss. Dictators will not win.

Zoladrama · 22/05/2021 14:16

I'm very impressed at a 15 year old being up and ready to go out at 9am on the weekend!
Sorry no advice as not quite there yet, I'd probably have told him to piss off right back but I can be juvenile like that and I'm sure there's better ways to handle it.

RosaBudDrood · 22/05/2021 14:16

Careful OP. MN seems to think every step mum is akin to Cinderella's on here.

S111n20 · 22/05/2021 14:17

@TinaYouFatLard

Grounded for two weeks, no pocket money, no PlayStation, no phone and no big gift for his 16th.

You are massively overreacting. He’s 15 FFS. I’m surprised it was only a piss off and not a fuck you.

He’s 15 and been told to stay in on a weekend. Dread carefully op this could massively back fire he is not 8
MrsWhites · 22/05/2021 14:17

You are no being unreasonable to be annoyed and to punish him, if it were me I would ground for the rest of the weekend and take pocket money for this week if it’s linked to chores completed. If it’s not a one off might even take the PlayStation.

But cancelling his birthday present - definitely not, that’s just plain vindictive.

Does your husband have an opinion on his punishment?

Twinkie01 · 22/05/2021 14:18

What does is father say?

S111n20 · 22/05/2021 14:18

Tread 😂

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 14:19

I'll try and answer some of these questions.

He had no plans made already.

He's not doing gcse's, he's in year 8!

We are a very relaxed household, very few rules. Our house rules are to respect each other, help each other, be kind and don't wear shoes on the carpet.

All of the children have their weekend to do with what they want. This is the first time I've asked them to help out as there is dust everywhere. I just wanted to clean up so the dust and dirt is getting tracked all over the house.

OP posts:
Cowbells · 22/05/2021 14:20

@thecatfromjapan

Also, is there something more going on with him?

That's the real reason for de-escalation-talk approaches.

If he's suddenly being less reasonable/boundary-pushing/hostile, there can be other stuff going on. It can be an early warning.

We often think this stuff is about us, as parents. And then we discover it isn't. It was something else, and the child was acting out with a safe adult because they're not very good at sorting things out in an adult way.

So, talking is always useful.

But - I think it's very harsh that you seem to be being left to deal with all this.

And I also think being a parent really sucks. You get dumped on so much. You cook, clean, organise and you get used as an emotional sponge.

So not at all surprising you think, 'No! I'm a person. With boundaries. And a right to be respected.'

Problem is, he's a child still - so you do have to take the time and have a conversation - rather than just expecting him to get it.

Annoying but true.

Wise words.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/05/2021 14:20

Pick a fixed punishment and stick with it, don’t dot about between different things.

He was out of order and needs a consequence but it needs to be one fixed thing.

I don’t think it’s nice to refer to him as a little shit though.

Daydrambeliever · 22/05/2021 14:20

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

This escalation of punishment shows him that you're out of control. It's not doing you any favours. He is almost an adult and this kind of punishment to him will reek of controlling behaviour and he will pull away from this, which is a natural response for a teenager. Imagine if you and your partner had a fight and he started removing your belongings from you? How would you feel? How can you imagine another human being would feel any different.

Everything you described is pretty normal behaviour for many teenagers, but you also have to take into account the fact that he is without a mother and this will have impacted him and he might not be able to able to deal with how he is feeling about this so he may be coping by acting up.

You need to remember that you are the grown up and need to be a calm, loving presence for all of the children who live in your home. This doesn't mean being a walk over - simply having calm discussions, focusing on the problem at hand and not the person (so no name calling), and not widning the conflict by harking back to past disdemeanors.

He has to understand the actual ramifications of not helping in the house. So if he doesn't do his allocated chores no one in the house will wash, dry or iron his clothes. Try to think of what the natural consequences might be if he continued the behaviour when he lived in halls, or on his own and try to relocate that as much as you can.

Good luck. It's bumpy.

Miasicarisatia · 22/05/2021 14:21

What happens with dictators is those they have bullied wait until they weaken and then take revenge

gingerandproud4always · 22/05/2021 14:21

Isn't year 8 12/13?

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