Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you punish a 15 year old who told you to piss off?

638 replies

Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 13:53

Stepson lives with me full time, no mother in the picture. Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off and to get a grip. When I said you're grounded now he said oh ok, but I'm not.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to fucking throttle him.

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

He's turning 16 in June, I ordered him an IPhone just yesterday that he has wanted for a long time and cancelled it this morning, fuck that, now he can piss off. He didn't know about the phone as it was a surprise.

Little shit.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 22/05/2021 14:02

Problem is op asked ALL kids to help out for ONE morning to get chores done - even in advance. He has refused then given op cheek. Of course there has to be a consequence

TinaYouFatLard · 22/05/2021 14:02

Grounded for two weeks, no pocket money, no PlayStation, no phone and no big gift for his 16th.

You are massively overreacting. He’s 15 FFS. I’m surprised it was only a piss off and not a fuck you.

ChrisWitlessPatrickUnbalanced · 22/05/2021 14:02

Two weeks is too long to ground him/confiscate his PS4 and phone.
A stern word and 24hrs would've done it, anymore and he's just going to ignore you 🤷‍♀️

Miasicarisatia · 22/05/2021 14:03

With this scorched earth policy you will reap what you have sown

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 14:04

Yes father is on the scene. Child has lived with me since he was 8.
This is the only time the kids have been asked to help out for one hour. That's not too much to ask for. We are getting some work done on the house and I just needed help this morning.

I work all week, cook, clean blah blah is it not unfair that I don't get my weekend. Give over.

It is the disrespect more than anything that has annoyed me.

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 22/05/2021 14:04

You sound absolutely exhausted, by the way. And I'm guessing you also feel over-worked, under-appreciated, taken for granted.

I doubt that's all down to your step-son - I suspect it's just the straw that's breaking your back.

Also - his behaviour is boundary-pushing. That can be age - but it can also be him acting out stress.

I think you need to think about how your life is running at the moment. I suspect your partner is the one who is really not pulling their weight.

Good luck. 💐

Seeline · 22/05/2021 14:06

If he was ready and out at 9 am he must have had something pretty important to do. You could have just said you'd left a specific job for him to do when he got back.

KarensChoppyGob · 22/05/2021 14:06

You say a couple of weeks ago he 'took the piss with something', did you verbalise this to him? If so he might be retaliating in kind.

Think you're being harsh.

Babyfg · 22/05/2021 14:06

I'd be annoyed to but I think from his reaction it's just going to escalate if you don't rein it in. He's 16, what he's done isn't unimaginable for an average 16year old. He's being punished, stuck to what you've said and just carry on as normal.

Although I think the new phone is a bit mean, I would make him earn it back with clear instructions (something like if you stay grounded with no fuss you can have the iPhone after two weeks

itsgettingwierd · 22/05/2021 14:06

So a member of a household is asked not to make plans as the whole household needs to work together for a morning to do some jobs.

One makes plans anyway and when called out on it says "piss off"

And lots of peoples solution isn't to remove privileges but to pissy foot around?

Fuck that.

My ds is about the same age and I've always said he can have freedoms and I'll support and facilitate his hobbies and social life if he returns the respect by doing his bit within the family home.

It's called raising your children.

Hellocatshome · 22/05/2021 14:07

DS is 14 so much of his life is out of his control, I let him control his weekend but I give him thing he must do and he can decide when to do them to fit in with his/his friends plans. So I will say this weekend you need to wash the floors at some point. As long as it gets done I dont care when it gets done. Maybe be a bit more flexible with him. In terms of the telling you to piss off that was always likely to be the outcome when you try and punish him over the phone when he is with his friends. I would wait until he gets in and in a calm manner explain how you dont appreciate being spoken to like that and if it happens again there will be consequences.

Spandang · 22/05/2021 14:07

I’m inclined to agree that it’s a bit harsh, but I don’t know whether you are at the end of your tether with this already.

I also think, at fifteen, kids wants to be with their friends and keeping them indoors on a Saturday, after a week at school isn’t great. I absolutely get they should have chores to do, but I do think you should maybe give back the ownership of that.

I would be tempted when he came home to explain that you were disappointed he’d gone against your explicit instructions, but that you appreciate after a hard week he wanted to go and see his friends/girlfriend/not be left out of having a social life to do chores for him mum.

And therefore you’d like him to come to you with a proposal for how he will support you over the week or at the weekend with XYZ chores.

Because while he is a child, and chores are a fact of life, I think you both need to understand that your expectations of each other and priorities are different, and those priorities can be met just by thinking differently. He could come home tonight and cleaned the bathroom, having had a nice day out with his friends. You could trust that he would do that, without being angry about it.

And as an adult, that’s life. If DP told me to cancel my plans and stay into clean, I’d negotiate. After telling him how unreasonable he was to expect that. If you want to develop a human being who is reasonable and can see the whole picture I do think it starts with you.

Miasicarisatia · 22/05/2021 14:07

You are quite right to be angry and annoyed but acting out of this anger and annoyance is counterproductive
Something calmer and more strategic than this knee jerk response would be better

justanotherneighinparadise · 22/05/2021 14:08

@itsgettingwierd

So a member of a household is asked not to make plans as the whole household needs to work together for a morning to do some jobs.

One makes plans anyway and when called out on it says "piss off"

And lots of peoples solution isn't to remove privileges but to pissy foot around?

Fuck that.

My ds is about the same age and I've always said he can have freedoms and I'll support and facilitate his hobbies and social life if he returns the respect by doing his bit within the family home.

It's called raising your children.

Ah but then you have to actually parent them instead of being their friends. Much, much harder.
Mummytemping · 22/05/2021 14:08

I would imagine if he has lost his mum (in whatever form) this is a kid who is suffering internally a lot. I think you need to approach this from a different angle entirely. You seem to think he should be grateful for you parenting him? You might find Sarah Naish books have some helpful insights.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 14:08

He won't be grounded and lose the PlayStation for two weeks, just the pocket money as this is given based on chores which are minimal.

OP posts:
NewMatress · 22/05/2021 14:08

Would you have changed/cancelled palsnb with friends to prioritise whatever it was you wanted him to do at home?

Absolutely he should be doing his bit, but unreasonable to ask him to put it ahead of an opportunity to meet friends IMO, especially now.

And really, what did you expect, trying to "discipline" him by text? What difficult conversation has ever successfully been had by text?

Bettyboopawoop · 22/05/2021 14:09

You have been way to harsh, you have escaped the situation a lot, you should expect these things from teens they are challenging boundary's. You have made a little thing into a massive thing. No way would I have cancelled his birthday present. Removing playstation yes! The rest no!

Faultymain5 · 22/05/2021 14:09

@gottakeeponmovin

To be honest I think it's a bit out of order telling a 15 year old they have to stay in at the weekend and do chores. If you want them to do chores fine but can't they do it when they want at the weekend. You are only 15 once
🤦🏾‍♀️ I’m at a loss for words, really I am. But everyone raises their children differently I guess. And really you never know how individual children will react.
Seeline · 22/05/2021 14:09

Is he mid-gcse assessments at the moment? Most Y11s are -and are pretty stressed over the situation they have found themselves in.

I'm guessing the other children are much younger?

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 14:10

Lol at I've been waiting to crush and dominate him. Christ, where do you get that.

And I've no idea to embarrass him in front of his friends, that is a bit mean.

OP posts:
HollyGoLoudly1 · 22/05/2021 14:10

@NewMatress

Would you have changed/cancelled palsnb with friends to prioritise whatever it was you wanted him to do at home?

Absolutely he should be doing his bit, but unreasonable to ask him to put it ahead of an opportunity to meet friends IMO, especially now.

And really, what did you expect, trying to "discipline" him by text? What difficult conversation has ever successfully been had by text?

That's not comparable. She's the parent, he's the child. I dictate rules to my child, not the other way around.
Cactusesi · 22/05/2021 14:11

He might have already made plans before you ordered him about.

I suspect the pressure has got to you and you are being very unreasonable.

itsgettingwierd · 22/05/2021 14:11

He was only asked to stay home to help for an hour or so one morning on one weekend.

He wasn't threatened to be sent down the coal mines every waking hour he wasn't at school and never to socialise again.

I'm often accused of having high standards. I'm beginning to think it's actually far too many parents have low standards - or none at all.

scaredsadandstuck · 22/05/2021 14:12

This does seem OTT, even if he is being a PITA. Pick one of those punishments and go with that. I'd say pocket money because that seems a natural consequence of not helping out. Or if you want to confiscate something do it on the basis that he gets it back when the chores he was supposed to do this morning are completed. Escalating and dishing out punishments that he sees as disproportionate will not make him comply in the future.

100% there needs to be a consequence for his behaviour, which is completely unacceptable, but to me it sounds like you really, really don't like him at all. Don't get me wrong I also dislike my kids at times, but there's a sense of almost viscousness in what you've written.

Are the other kids step kids? And, yes what does his dad say?