How would you punish a 15 year old who told you to piss off?

[Sillawithans]

Stepson lives with me full time, no mother in the picture. Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off and to get a grip. When I said you're grounded now he said oh ok, but I'm not.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to fucking throttle him.

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

He's turning 16 in June, I ordered him an IPhone just yesterday that he has wanted for a long time and cancelled it this morning, fuck that, now he can piss off. He didn't know about the phone as it was a surprise.

Little shit.

[quote Faultymain5]@purplefoxglove
Great - good for you, you win the parenting award! - you didn't go through the experience! My son did at 13, I didn't confiscate his life, I talked to him - we discussed how he could communicate when he was frustrated (and how I could respond better)- he never did it again and we both learned by the experience.

But it’s not about parenting awards, you sneered at someone telling them they know nothing (after the already admitted they knew nothing). I pointed out I made it to the other side with the expectation that I don’t swear at them and they will not swear at me.

My DS is going through issues now so it’s not perfect, but basic manners and respect are not lacking both ways. Btw it is fine to multitask you can talk and provide consequences to actions.[/quote]
Seen it too many times on here - people who haven’t parented teens giving advice about what they’d do in the circumstances when they didn’t have a bloody clue - I’ll make no apologies for sneering when someone offering advice when they have not the first clue about what they speak!

I get this sometimes with my 13 year old. Usually it's when he's feeling anxious about something, so I don't escalate it and make it all about the swearing. I do say that it's not nice at the time, and I'll usually check in on him a few minutes later to see if there's anything wrong. Normally we'll talk it through, and then he'll apologise voluntarily - no harm done and no need to take stuff that matters away. The consoles are also a connection to friends which is particularly important I would imagine when moving between households.

Oh sorry, I just realised you said he's with you full time.

@traumatisednoodle

This escalation of punishment shows him that you're out of control. It's not doing you any favours. He is almost an adult and this kind of punishment to him will reek of controlling behaviour and he will pull away from this, which is a natural response for a teenager. Imagine if you and your partner had a fight and he started removing your belongings from you? How would you feel? How can you imagine another human being would feel any different

Can I frame this please ? So much wisdom on here today

This!

Being angry is natural but put yourself together and act like an adult. You need to have a serious conversation with him and set very firm boundaries (his behaviour should not be tolerated) but in the same time you need to be prepared to listen and lead by example.
People, even small children do not respond well to power struggles. We respond to connection, co-operation and clear rules which are being reinforced consistently.

Connect - tell him you understand he was upset and find out what's behind his behaviour (This will also teach him to communicate in an open, respectful way)

Set boundaries - make it clear that he cannot speak to you like he did and that he has to contribute to house chores. Explain why this is important and no-negotiable.

Co-operate - work together to find the best way to solve a problem.

Reinforce the rules - let him know in advance what consequences will follow if he breaks the rules (make it reasonable and as logical as possible) and make sure to follow through.

Make sure you and dad are on the same page.

And finally be patient. Easier said then done but it takes time for teenagers to mature into adults and they need lots of boundaries and support in the meantime.

So why did you repeatedly say he was from a foreign country when he moved here at 3 months? Why not say he was home schooled from the start?

So English is his first language?

[quote Sillawithans]@Maggiesfarm foul mouthed stepmother, ok dear.

Don't need a cleaner, read the thread and you'll understand why.[/quote]
Well you are! Even in your opening post you referred to stepson as a little shit.

I have read the thread and you do need a cleaner.

Sillawithans
Not an over reaction at all, I will not be told to piss off by anyone, let alone a boy of almost 16 that I cook and clean for

Good for you OP. Too many mums who let boys get away with talking to them like shit. Those boys grow up with no respect for women.

No wonder there are so very many posts on MN about men who are disrespectful to their partners. Look at this thread, with women implying you should put up and shut up.

No boy or man will talk to me like that without consequences. Your punishments to him are not harsh.

Also the notion that his Dad should do the punishing even though it's you he told to piss off. Oh but of course as a Stepmum raising him you're not a "real" Mum🙄 so yeah, defer to Dad The Man.

Wow you sound like a nightmare. Do you behave as harshly to your own children?

He's 15! They've just spent months and months shut in on lockdown. Of course they want to go out now they can
He's not your cleaner.

Sorry but you sound utterly vindictive, the poor kid clearly has issues from his mum not being around and he gets a bully for a step mum.

Wow 8OP* you have had a real roasting.

I think it's time for a sit down and a talk about how words can really hurt.

Then I think you need a swear jar for all of you. Ask your DS to think about how the swear jar should work.

@purplefoxglove Seen it too many times on here - people who haven’t parented teens giving advice about what they’d do in the circumstances when they didn’t have a bloody clue - I’ll make no apologies for sneering when someone offering advice when they have not the first clue about what they speak!

Even when they have qualified their advice by already acknowledging, their lack of experience? You may think you have parenting down, but like myself you have it down for YOUR child. Not all teens are the same, so technically your advice is about as useful as someone who has experience of being a teen with children who are not yet teens. All ideas were asked for. OP didn’t say the advice had to be from parents of teens who had the same thing happen. Of course you have no need to make apologies and PP should get the flack for everyone on MN that doesn’t meet your qualifications for advice giving when it’s not even your OP. I guess being humble would be too much.

This escalation of punishment shows him that you're out of control. It's not doing you any favours. He is almost an adult and this kind of punishment to him will reek of controlling behaviour and he will pull away from this, which is a natural response for a teenager. Imagine if you and your partner had a fight and he started removing your belongings from you? How would you feel? How can you imagine another human being would feel any different

Totally agree. In fact I would suggest that punishment is never appropriate for teens.
I wouldn't punish my OH either.

This is a 15 year old.

Jeez read the OP’s comments. Why is everyone defending a rude teen? I am like the OP, very few rules but I won’t be disrespected. I guess cancelling the birthday present is a step too far for me if this is unusual behaviour but I agree with the grounding / loss of pocket money.

@Tiktokersmiracle

Wow you sound like a nightmare. Do you behave as harshly to your own children?

He's 15! They've just spent months and months shut in on lockdown. Of course they want to go out now they can
He's not your cleaner.

Sorry but you sound utterly vindictive, the poor kid clearly has issues from his mum not being around and he gets a bully for a step mum.

He wasn’t in lockdown by himself. He lives in the house why shouldn’t he help to tidy it before he gets to have fun? He lives there. If you read the thread it was a one off ask (and he agreed). If he wanted to go out, since he should have a) got up earlier b) mentioned it.

I mean most children will have issues, but why has the whole thread decided it has manifested itself in this manner, this weekend? Sometimes kids just are little shits and that’s okay. But there are consequences and boundaries that must and should be put in place, so they know how far they can go.

*Well he's home, we had a chat. He said he's very sorry for what he said, he didn't mean it. I said that's not how we speak to each other in this house and it wasn't going to start now. Told him I understand he was frustrated, I accept his apology and we'll move on. Then we had a chat about why he was late home and how nice the kitchen tiles look. He ate his dinner and we're back to normal.

Thankfully he doesn't think I'm an arse and actually quite likes me*

I'm sorry to be harsh OP, but really your parenting is all over the place. What you wrote this morning is very authoritarian, but the most recent post is highly permissive.

No wonder the poor lad is confused. I suspect you generally veer into the permissive side as in "very relaxed house" , no regular chores, 15 year old out seemingly from 9am till nearly midnight (where the f#&k was he?), getting himself home at that time while you had ?. But then you suddenly unpredictably flip into uber dictitorial. In fact your posting on this forum about suitable punishment suggests this is somewhat unchartered and uncomfortable territory for you.

My impression is this lad needs clearer bounderies all the time with well defined consequences for ignoring them. This running hot and cold helps no one.

Op has now explained that she wasn't suggesting all punishments.

I disagree with most. Parenting difficulties are not unusual. But when your child takes it that one step further and tells you you fuck off or piss off, then the relationship changes. It's a new step. A lack of respect.

Ds1 told me to fuck off. I was very hurt. Actually saddened. At the time I was just almost tearful. I said 'don't ever speak to me like that'. I think I had to immediately leave for work because I was unusually already late.
He apologised to me. But not until the next day.

Don't underestimate that this is actually a change in the dynamic of your relationship.

We have 5 children of our own an an adopted nephew. The older 2 (including our nephew) are boys of 21 and 18. Daughters are 15 12 7 and 5. I really think you need to calm down a bit and re evaluate the situation. Sounds like there is possibly more to this story (recent history of rudeness etc) but if you don't get to grips with this now it's going to snow ball and be the start of something bigger. I have always found positive reinforcement (through gritted teeth sometimes) works better than punishment although of course I move on to that but in stages! Seems you have thrown 4 or 5 punishments in for one act of rudeness. You may be thinking of a build up of bad behaviour but he will see it as a one time thing so in his mind holy unreasonable. If the rudeness gets worse where will you go next with punishment! You have taken away everything is enjoys in one swoop so there is nothing else to add. Also punishment needs to fit the bad behaviour. He told you to 'piss off' so you grounded him, tool away all his entertainment, cut him off from friends and cancelled his birthday present. If something else happens (worse) how will you deal with that? He has nothing left to lose.

www.verywellfamily.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

@thecatfromjapan

You sound absolutely exhausted, by the way. And I'm guessing you also feel over-worked, under-appreciated, taken for granted.

I doubt that's all down to your step-son - I suspect it's just the straw that's breaking your back.

Also - his behaviour is boundary-pushing. That can be age - but it can also be him acting out stress.

I think you need to think about how your life is running at the moment. I suspect your partner is the one who is really not pulling their weight.

Good luck. 💐

This. You're not listening to the majority saying YABU. You sound over worked and angry but also your step son is getting the brunt of it. You're over reacting and need to find ways to work together to de escalate rather than being vindictive. You'll both be better for it rather than being vindictive as you are. Your DP needs to pull his weight more.

I don't understand why you've had such a hard time on here OP! Either way, glad it's all resolved and you're both happy and back to normal. I'm in awe that he actually apologised to you - I was imagining a Kevin and Perry type of reaction from a 15 year old!!

Honestly, women are demanding respect these days from men but your v cheeky 16 year old tells you to piss off and you berate yourself for being a bad mother and return to your job of cleaning the whole house whilst he goes off to pals.
WTF
Then this in the recent post Your DP needs to pull his weight more. - must be one of the least helpful comments on MN. So you can't tick off your son, how do you get DH to help more- give lots of blowjobs?? Or give yourself another chore, nagging DH.
We seem to have the most mentally unwell teen DCs ever, and I'm talking pre covid , maybe a few rules and boundaries might help that .

@MaMaD1990 thank God no Kevin and Perry's in this house yet! He knew he overstepped the mark yesterday so was a bit sheepish. I haven't been called so many names since primary school

@TheoMeo I kept my dp out of this thread, he was not there when this happened so not sure how anyone can suggest he needs to pull his weight more.

So did you go ahead with the punishments?

@Karwomannghia I told him we'll talk about it today, too late last night.