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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pick teenager dd’s up?

201 replies

Rave2thegrave · 22/05/2021 09:44

I have two teenager Dd’s, 19 and 16. They have a pretty active social life. Dh and I often give them lifts in the day and up to about 8pm... we will pick them up at 10 the latest, as long as its not all the time.

Awbu? They can get buses/trains/walk/taxis... sleep at friends etc

OP posts:
Maverick66 · 23/05/2021 11:06

Dh always collected our children and their friends
It didn't matter what time of night .
Youngest is now 22.
I did leaving them to venues.
Our attitude was we would rather they rang us to get home than to take a chance walking etc.
We don't have train our bus options.

Sparklingbrook · 23/05/2021 11:09

The amount of times my Dad had to sit waiting in the NEC car park as Duran Duran etc did their fifth encore, or outside a nightclub in the middle of Birmingham the least I can do is pay it forward with my own DC.

Fizbosshoes · 23/05/2021 11:38

The amount of times my Dad had to sit waiting in the NEC car park as Duran Duran etc did their fifth encore, or outside a nightclub in the middle of Birmingham the least I can do is pay it forward with my own DC.

My lovely dad used to drive me to Wembley at stupid o clock in the morning the day the tickets went on sale (long before internet booking) and then we had an agreed "usual" place where he would wait in the car after Take That concerts at Wembley Arena, about 5 or 10 min walk away.(I'm sure now those streets have got wise to the post concert loitering and either have restrictions, or rent out their drives)
When i started going to clubs etc we went as a group and took it in turns to drive.

Sparklingbrook · 23/05/2021 11:46

We couldn't drive to the clubs as we were 16 so dad used to drop us off and pick us up. I must speak to him about that, what was he thinking? Maybe it was acceptable in the 80s!
By the time we had learnt to drive we should not have been driving home from clubs Wine

Lol at 'post concert loitering'. Grin

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/05/2021 11:48

I can't drive so DS will have to be making his own way home. I did it from 16, got myself wherever I needed on public transport, no reason he can't do it.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/05/2021 11:50

We live in an area with good public transport and taxis though, so if he was stuck I'd pay for a taxi to get him.

starrynight21 · 23/05/2021 12:53

@Rave2thegrave

Interesting to see different viewpoints on here
I'm amazed that there are any different viewpoints. Caring about your children's safety - whether they are 16 or 36 - is just normal to me. Putting a time limit on it seems totally alien when you see how many young women are attacked and killed every year.
mainsfed · 23/05/2021 13:00

I'm amazed that there are any different viewpoints. Caring about your children's safety - whether they are 16 or 36 - is just normal to me. Putting a time limit on it seems totally alien when you see how many young women are attacked and killed every year.

Letting 19 and 16 yos be independent seems normal to me. I was getting a bus to my part time job aged 15 (non-rural).

Chauffering teens everywhere does them no favours. I also had a dad who would wait ages in the car for me at night, but I wouldn’t take the piss by expecting lifts all day every day in daytime.

RampantIvy · 23/05/2021 13:03

If DD wanted to go into town she got the train there and back, but if she wanted to see any of her friends in the other villages I had to take her because there is no public transport in between the villages. She used to stay over at friends houses a lot.

Sparklingbrook · 23/05/2021 13:06

In the daytime generally teenagers are at work/school/Uni, getting there independently.

I got the train to work when I was younger, then drove as soon as I passed my test at 17. DSs both drive now but when one got a PT job at 16 I dropped him off and picked him up because there was no public transport there.
My taxiing now is only required when alcohol is involved these days. they are prefectly independent

RampantIvy · 23/05/2021 13:18

Although I did have to pick DD up the other week because the cows on the track meant that all the trains were cancelled.

Theoldwoman · 23/05/2021 14:37

We have a different approach. Our girls are 19 and 18. The youngest doesn't yet have her licence and works odd hours. We drop them off and pick up late at night, We don't like them catching PT late or if they have been partying etc. It's a small price to pay to have them home safe. It's not forever.

yeOldeTrout · 23/05/2021 15:07

funny the ppl worrying about assault.

It's getting into car with a drunk driver I worry about.

They need to have clear plan for how they will get home before they leave for the party, tbh.

PugInTheHouse · 23/05/2021 15:11

We arrange a time with ours, basically any time agreed between us but they are younger. We always tell our boys we will pick them up any time of night if they need to.

At 19 I would expect they can get a cab TBH. My mum used to pick us up after night clubs when we were say 16 but once college age then we could get our own way home. We live in a city so this is really easy and everywhere no more than 10 mins away in a cab.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 15:14

We have crap public transport here and none at all past about 6.30. I took them all through their growing up years and did pickups and sleepovers. I’d rather have known where they were. And now they were getting home.

Turn about is fair play though 😁 as my daughter is picking me up on Wednesday night after I go out with friends

MrsDThomas · 23/05/2021 15:41

I always do it. No public transport round here. Nearest train station is 15 miles away so.....

But eldest has now passed her test, much easier.

thecatwithnoeyes · 23/05/2021 15:59

@yeOldeTrout

funny the ppl worrying about assault.

It's getting into car with a drunk driver I worry about.

They need to have clear plan for how they will get home before they leave for the party, tbh.

Both are a risk though.

I wouldn't worry about my DC getting in a car with a drunk driver, they simply wouldn't. They can't control assailants so that's always a worry. My DC are all female though so the worry of them being assaulted will always be with me.

Idiotathome79 · 23/05/2021 16:32

My daughters I expect them to sort them selfs out by day , but at night time I will go and collect them if needed regardless of its 12pm or 3 am. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something awful happened .

RampantIvy · 23/05/2021 18:04

I wouldn't worry about my DC getting in a car with a drunk driver, they simply wouldn't. They can't control assailants so that's always a worry. My DC are all female though so the worry of them being assaulted will always be with me.

Yes, DD wouldn't get in a car with a driver who has been drinking. Luckily her friends who drive drink or drive, but don't do both together.

di2004 · 23/05/2021 18:46

If they need a lift and I’m able to do it they get one.
Don’t stress yourself out but I would always like to make sure they’re home safely x

BackforGood · 23/05/2021 23:30

I'm amazed that there are any different viewpoints. Caring about your children's safety - whether they are 16 or 36 - is just normal to me. Putting a time limit on it seems totally alien when you see how many young women are attacked and killed every year.

and caring about my dc is just normal to me too (and the overwhelming majority of parents) - what a ridiculous thing to announce, as if it were just you Hmm. My caring though involves teaching them to grow into independent, functioning adults. Teaching them to plan ahead, to look at alternatives, to consider others, to think about how they travel around safely is FAR more useful to them than just being 'on tap' to pick them up at any point.

Two of my dds moved away to Universities that were both 3 .5 hours away at 18. Not really practical for me to pick them up every night for those 3 years, however, I was confident they have enough about them, and enough life experience to make some pretty sensible decisions about keeping safe.
Yes, I still give my adult dc the odd lift, and yes, they are all willing to pick me up if I wanted them to (or each other) and of course, in an emergency or upsetting situation dh or I would be there in a heartbeat, but that is very different from being 'on call' whenever they want ferrying somewhere.

Abc321xyz · 23/05/2021 23:35

I took DS15 and his friend to our local shopping centre today. Its walking distance technically but, being teenagers, they were waiting for the bus. They called me at 5.30pm asking me to pick them up, which I happily did. They're home, safe and I'm happy I knew where they were and how they got home.
Went out for a couple of drinks tonight with friends. Told my DF I was going out, he told me to cancel taxi. Picked me up at mine, dropped me at the bar and told me to call when I was ready to go home. I did that at 10.15pm. He was there 20 minutes later to pick me up. I'm now home, chilling and dad is home happy I'm safe.

Allywill · 24/05/2021 00:46

Having a plan to get home is all well and good but I have always been very aware that at this age (teens) things can go wrong. Example 1 dd was due to sleep a friends house after a night out, her and friend fell out, friend went home leaving my daughter at a party with no way of getting home. Example 2 friend’s boyfriend was going to drive dd and her friend home after a night out but proceeded to drink 6 pints. Dd rightly refused to get in car with him and rang me for a lift. I was in bed but went to pick her up. It,s different when they are at uni, usually there are several people going back to same place, halls or shared accommodation so it’s much safer to walk or get public transport together plus many unis have an emergency taxi policy where you can quote your student id and the taxi will take you home for free. The student union pay the taxi firm directly and will contact you to pay at a later date.

RampantIvy · 24/05/2021 08:03

Having a plan to get home is all well and good but I have always been very aware that at this age (teens) things can go wrong

Indeed. See my cows on the track comment above. I really hadn't anticipated this Grin

We don't have a choice of public transport options where we live, and no Uber in the rural areas.

101kids · 24/05/2021 08:15

@BackforGood

I'm amazed that there are any different viewpoints. Caring about your children's safety - whether they are 16 or 36 - is just normal to me. Putting a time limit on it seems totally alien when you see how many young women are attacked and killed every year.

and caring about my dc is just normal to me too (and the overwhelming majority of parents) - what a ridiculous thing to announce, as if it were just you Hmm. My caring though involves teaching them to grow into independent, functioning adults. Teaching them to plan ahead, to look at alternatives, to consider others, to think about how they travel around safely is FAR more useful to them than just being 'on tap' to pick them up at any point.

Two of my dds moved away to Universities that were both 3 .5 hours away at 18. Not really practical for me to pick them up every night for those 3 years, however, I was confident they have enough about them, and enough life experience to make some pretty sensible decisions about keeping safe.
Yes, I still give my adult dc the odd lift, and yes, they are all willing to pick me up if I wanted them to (or each other) and of course, in an emergency or upsetting situation dh or I would be there in a heartbeat, but that is very different from being 'on call' whenever they want ferrying somewhere.

This.

I remember having my first job at 14 and getting the bus to it every Sunday, yet I have a nearly 17 year old who waits for her mum to pick her up every Saturday despite finishing at 4pm and being next to a bus station Confused

There is a difference of picking up when they are stuck and allowing your kids to be too dependent/entitled