Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pick teenager dd’s up?

201 replies

Rave2thegrave · 22/05/2021 09:44

I have two teenager Dd’s, 19 and 16. They have a pretty active social life. Dh and I often give them lifts in the day and up to about 8pm... we will pick them up at 10 the latest, as long as its not all the time.

Awbu? They can get buses/trains/walk/taxis... sleep at friends etc

OP posts:
LadyCatStark · 22/05/2021 19:08

Anytime, how would you forgive yourself if something happened to them?

ElephantOfRisk · 22/05/2021 19:11

@Rave2thegrave

Interesting to see different viewpoints on here
I think the issue is that all DC are different in both the amount of socialising and their ability to take the piss and we all live in different environments with different available options.

So, for me, I'd say anytime and anywhere as DSs rarely ever asked or went places that they needed lifts for. Both passed their driving test at 17 so mostly elected to drive and not drink. But if I had a DC that was out 3 nights a week and calling me at 3am regularly for pick up then I would place limits on what I was prepared to do (obviously without putting anyone in danger).

Everyone's view will be coloured by their own experience as a teen/young adult and their own experience of their DC.

I lived in a large city with readily available night buses and taxis when i was young. My DC were brought up on the edge of a small city with massive queues for the few taxis and no night time public transport, however it's just about walkable. Most of their friends are in surrounding villages so mainly need lifts. Ime compared to friends who have daughters or mixed DC, boys don't do sleepovers as often.

partyatthepalace · 22/05/2021 19:12

I would always have an ‘if you are in trouble we’ll pick you up, anytime, anywhere no questions asked’ clause - to keep them safe - but obviously they can only use that one occasionally - beyond that, 8pm limit seems find

101kids · 22/05/2021 19:18

My dd1 got a bus and train to school from 13.

She got a job at 15 and got the bus in. We’d pick her up if it was a late finish.

But from 16 she pretty much got herself from A-B.

There were times when transport didn’t show or she needed to get back and it was late and we went and got her but she didn’t expect us to be taxis.

Gingerkittykat · 22/05/2021 19:25

I used to make my DD get the last bus home until she was flashed when she was 16. She doesn't get the last bus home any more.

Having said that, she takes the mickey sometimes and I need to be strict about the boundaries and make her get a taxi when she is out a lot later than she planned to be.

I think 10pm is far too early.

ImInStealthMode · 22/05/2021 19:27

Times have really changed. When I was 17/18/19 it was taxi or the night-bus home after a night out; the shame of being picked up by a parent at 3am would have been too much for any of us to bear.

That said, mine didn't drive anyway so I never had any choice but to make my own way home.

I think depending on the individual circumstances/distance/time/place then just do whatever works for your family without inconveniencing anyone unnecessarily, it's not ideal for your own social lives and relaxation to be relied on for every lift every time.

There's something to be said for gaining the independence and learning to balance various risks themselves too, especially when they're not far from leaving home age.

cupsofcoffee · 22/05/2021 19:32

Times have really changed. When I was 17/18/19 it was taxi or the night-bus home after a night out; the shame of being picked up by a parent at 3am would have been too much for any of us to bear.

Lots of people live in places without taxis or night buses.

YellowScallion · 22/05/2021 19:34

Times have really changed. When I was 17/18/19 it was taxi or the night-bus home after a night out; the shame of being picked up by a parent at 3am would have been too much for any of us to bear.

Lol at night bus, our bus services stopped at 5pm.

101kids · 22/05/2021 19:36

Times have really changed. When I was 17/18/19 it was taxi or the night-bus home after a night out; the shame of being picked up by a parent at 3am would have been too much for any of us to bear

My mate and I would spend all our money on shots and vodka then ring her mum who would pick us up in her dressing gown at 2am. We gave zero fucks at the time! Poor Janet!

Sparklingbrook · 22/05/2021 19:38

I dropped DS at the station tonight as he’s going to the next town for a drink. The plan is to get the last train home (11) if for any reason that plan goes wrong I’ll go and pick him up. I really don’t mind.

KeeefBurtain · 22/05/2021 19:39

My teens (16 and 17) have to make their own way out and home. I have younger children who go to bed at 7 so can’t leave them to do pick ups.

Abc321xyz · 22/05/2021 19:40

My dad always collected me, and my friends, anytime day or night. I'm 37 now and he would still rather pick me up at anytime than me get a bus or taxi alone.

ImInStealthMode · 22/05/2021 19:41

@cupsofcoffee Night-buses I agree are too rare (fortunately we had one on a Friday & Saturday night that went to the town 2 miles over from our village; we'd arrange a local taxi to meet us from the night bus as it was much cheaper than getting a rank taxi all the way) but I've never encountered a place with nightclubs to stay in until 3am but absolutely no taxis.

Anyway I didn't realise this thread was specifically about people who lived far out in the sticks with no access to alternatives to lifts. My bad! Confused

ElephantOfRisk · 22/05/2021 19:47

I used to work in the middle of the city washing dishes for a hotel restaurant at age 15/16/17 and caught one of the last buses home so would usually arrive back at our rough council estate after the pubs shut. My direction from my mum was to not use the underpasses that went under the dual carriageway but to cross over the road and climb over the fence in the middle instead. They didn't drive and would also have no clue which bus I was getting so no offer to meet me either. No mobile phones and in fact we didn't have a house phone either. Couldn't get a taxi as it would cost more than I was earning.

I could use the underpass if I caught an earlier bus and it was busy at pub kicking out.

I just used to run fast.

My and DC circumstances are different and they are mollycoddled but then they don't take the pee either so i'm fine with it.

101kids · 22/05/2021 19:51

At what point would parents start to think their kids are taking the piss?

‘Hi dad I know it’s 4am but you said you’d pick me up anytime but I’m three hours away - can you come and get me’

‘Hi mum I’m going to Luke’s and it’s 50 miles away can you pick me up at 11?’

There is always a limit.

LuaDipa · 22/05/2021 19:56

I was absolutely spoiled with lifts from my dm. Everyone used to stay at ours as they knew my dm would pick us up at whatever time we rolled out of the club. I feel a bit guilty as an adult but know that dh and I will be exactly the same with ours as we would prefer to know they are safe.

Moonface123 · 22/05/2021 20:00

I am a single parent with very early starts. My eldest is 19, he can drive now, but occasionally he wil ask for a lift and knows that l would pick him up if need be late at night, although so far he hasn t needed me to do that. We share a car and he does drop me off and pick me up without any fuss.

Pyewackect · 22/05/2021 20:01

I have two daughters, 18 and 16. My husband will turn-out at any time of day or night to ensure they are home safely. I'll offer when I can but because I work NHS shift patterns that's not always possible, which makes no difference anyway as he's out of the door before I can say Flint. He would walk through the very fires of hell for those two if he had to. My 14 son calls it a pussy-pass but I've told him to chill, he's never gonna win that one.

hparkins · 22/05/2021 20:01

any time - my dh feels exactly the same.

It really is as simple as I would rather know they were safe. I remember all too well some of the risky stuff I did at that age to get home from places and it's not something I want for my own children.

my parents did the same for me. (big shoutout to my step dad who drove an hour and a half to a big party city in a caravan due to the car not starting at 3am!)

a bit of inconvenience isnt worth the potential alternative to me.

Oblomov21 · 22/05/2021 20:04

Times have changed. Ds1 could get an Uber! I have picked up from parties at 11pm or midnight, but only with a lot of prior warning.

Runnerduck34 · 22/05/2021 20:37

10pm is an early night for a teenager 🤣
I have picked mine up at midnight fairly regularly ,very very occasionally i will do a bit later- for a special occasion. We do live remote though a have no public transport . Depending on circumstances I might be a bit wary of them using public transport late at night particularly if they were doing part of the journey alone, I would lay awake anyway until they were home so may as well pick them up. The sneaky mum advantage of that is i get to know where they are and who they are with!
But anyway you can make your own rules .

Ickythefirebobby · 22/05/2021 20:37

My parents never picked me up from anywhere. I swore I would never be like that. We have two boys and would pick them up from anywhere at any time. They very rarely ask but I wouldn’t hesitate. Not when you think was the alternative could be.

Wanttocryatthecost · 22/05/2021 20:38

I would have thought the other way round, public transport during the day when it’s readily available. Lifts at night when it’s more dangerous.

My parents never offered any. I would regularly have to walk home late at night from work after my shift finished at 10pm as a teenager, even though 80% of the time the bus which ran once an hour would not turn up or not stop. It was a 90min walk home from the bus stop, not including the 20min walk to the bust stop from work. I’d have to walk through some very quiet and dark areas. I also had to cross a busy motorway junction where the M6 met another motorway with no traffic lights in those days. I swore I’d never do that to my children. I’d pick them up at any time of night.

cupsofcoffee · 22/05/2021 20:43

[quote ImInStealthMode]@cupsofcoffee Night-buses I agree are too rare (fortunately we had one on a Friday & Saturday night that went to the town 2 miles over from our village; we'd arrange a local taxi to meet us from the night bus as it was much cheaper than getting a rank taxi all the way) but I've never encountered a place with nightclubs to stay in until 3am but absolutely no taxis.

Anyway I didn't realise this thread was specifically about people who lived far out in the sticks with no access to alternatives to lifts. My bad! Confused [/quote]
It's not Confused - I was just saying that's it's not an option to rely on public transport or taxis for many people lol. You say it's embarrassing to be collected by parents but for many people it's either that or stay home.

I live rurally - pubs and bars stay open until gone midnight but the entire town probably has three taxis (not firms, three actual cars) and you if you want them outside of the usual 9-5 you have to book them weeks in advance. We have no bus service (night or otherwise) and the trains stop before 9pm and don't run on Sundays or Bank Holidays.

ImInStealthMode · 22/05/2021 20:55

@cupsofcoffee And for some, including teenaged me (as stated in the same post of mine you replied to) there isn't an option to rely on lifts anyway as not all parents drive.

It was my friends who would've been embarrassed to drag their folks out in the middle of the night when we were perfectly capable of making our own plans to get home,
especially once were adults.

For reference I grew up in a Yorkshire village with similar public transport options to you, we just worked around it the best we could.

Swipe left for the next trending thread