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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pick teenager dd’s up?

201 replies

Rave2thegrave · 22/05/2021 09:44

I have two teenager Dd’s, 19 and 16. They have a pretty active social life. Dh and I often give them lifts in the day and up to about 8pm... we will pick them up at 10 the latest, as long as its not all the time.

Awbu? They can get buses/trains/walk/taxis... sleep at friends etc

OP posts:
TerribleZebra · 22/05/2021 12:54

Depends where you live. We live in a village and there is no public transport after about 8.30pm. It's our choice to live here not the kids so ferrying them about is part of that choice. I would always expect to be given a time in advance though and them to ask if they could be collected and not just expect it.

Standrewsschool · 22/05/2021 12:56

I think it depends on the public transport network to the activities.

My 19 has just gone to coach at a sports club. This venue he couldn’t get to himself. The previous venue he could walk to, although took 45 minutes.

For social life, I wouldn’t necessarily be at their beck and call. I would offer to pick them up from late nights. However, if I was doing something and they dropped into conversation last minute they needed a lift, then I wouldn’t change my plans for them.

user1497787065 · 22/05/2021 13:01

No public transport at all where we are and five miles to the nearest town. I would pick up at any time of day or
night. I would usually go to bed and sleep until I received the call so would
Sometimes have four or five hours sleep and then go back to bed on returning home.

Far preferable to a £35 taxi fare.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 22/05/2021 13:02

I will be picking dd up anytime of night. Peace of mind is priceless.

Also I have been drunk and vulnerable and taken advantage of by a taxi driver, and I would NEVER want my dd in that position.

Also - my dad was a tight bastard with his lifts and I swore I would never be the same.

Mumof1andacat · 22/05/2021 13:14

I never had lifts to and from anywhere. Mum couldn't drive and dad wouldn't give lifts so if I wanted to be at a friends I got the bus to and from or stayed over. It would be a shared taxi with friends if drinking over town or someone who could drive would be doing lifts. I passed my test at 18 and had a car.

Iknowtheanswer · 22/05/2021 13:19

DS knows that latest ideal pickup would be 11.30pm. Last night, he wanted to stay at a party until midnight, so arranged to sleep at a friend's with a couple of others (5 mins walk from the party).

He also knows that I will pick up at any time in an emergency. Luckily his friends are sensible and their parents have similar rules to us, so it works neatly.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/05/2021 13:22

depends on the availability of public transport where you live

Covidworries · 22/05/2021 13:31

We always say phone anytime, no questions asked. I remember my younger yrs and my brother always picked me up any time, any place. A was badly beaten up walking home one night. I would stay at friends house and sometimes walk with friends etc but I always knew i could phone if needed. I always phoned to update if plans changed and i was staying out too.

ElephantOfRisk · 22/05/2021 13:41

I would pick my DSs up anytime they asked, but neither of them are socialisers so it is really only very occasionally. They also know that I don't enjoy driving at night anymore so don't abuse it. They do however both drive so would tend to take turns anyway.

As for your situation. If they are out a lot then I think you do have to limit it so my view would be:

emergencies always as long as it's not fabricated emergencies such as not arranging anything else and then pretending they've been let down. (obviously would still pick up but would be cross!)

16 year old - reasonable curfew (10ish) but not every day and later for specific special occasions. Not allowed to go without transport/sleepover in place.

19 year old - adult and able to sort arrangements. Would pick up later than 10 on a rota with other arrangements (once or twice a month). I'd treat similarly to a friend, as in, if a friend asked you to do this would you? I find that you will offer an appropriate level of accommodation to a friend, enough favours because she is your friend, but you wouldn't let her take the piss.

Bumzoo · 22/05/2021 13:41

My parents never picked me up. I pick mine up whenever they ask. I've picked up at 3,4 even 5am once when there was an unpleasant situation.

They know I'll come if they get stuck but don't abuse it.

IhaveMyMoments · 22/05/2021 13:46

To many undesirables locally to here.
Always things on the NH watch about people acting dodgy at night. Altho in the day it's lovely quiet and respected. But night the druggies from a mile down the road tend to come try their chances this direction.
So for that reason I pick him up. He's 15.
I also pick up a 17 Yr old relative and would even if it was 2am.

babbaloushka · 22/05/2021 13:48

I negotiate lifts til 11 and encourage them to sort their own out after that, but we also never left to make their own way home after 11 when under 18. I'd rather grumble about getting them in my pyjamas than have them alone in public places at night. Have heard too many horror stories. Depends where you live though, I suppose.

OopsUp · 22/05/2021 13:49

I will generally pay for a cab if DC needs to come home alone. If he is in a group he can make his own way home.

I often pick him up from places during the day but I go to bed very early so at night we discuss and compromise.

Love51 · 22/05/2021 13:51

I'm ok with my mum's policy. She would expect me to make a safe plan (stay with a friend, land up in the same club as my brother and share a taxi, come home with a friend) but she was happy to be the plan some of the time. She would always add "ring me if you need me" and if she was having a drink she'd say that there was money in the cupboard - if my plan went wrong, get a taxi, if I had no money I could use the cupboard cash. Neither me nor my brother abused this. We used to go out with separate groups of friends with vague plans to end up at the same club. In a pre mobile phone world, we would meet outside the toilets at midnight to see if we were both there to share a cab, and then decide what time (we always decided closing time!)

fairynick · 22/05/2021 13:53

Reading this thread I’m so shocked!
At 16-19 if I was in town on a Saturday night I would just get a taxi at 3am - not wake up my poor mother!

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 22/05/2021 13:54

My parents would never give me a lift, day or night. I had to fend for myself. It led to me being in some very dangerous situations on occasion.
I plan on giving lifts to my kids but also giving them emergency access to a taxi service which the payment would come out of my account for times that I can’t help them out and they’ve got no money.
I’ll also keep emergency taxi money somewhere near the front door in case they ever get mugged, too drunk and lose their stuff etc.
I was mugged at 19, and had to continue walking home with no phone or money and a broken arm. I then had to walk to the hospital and police station the following day.

MrsJBaptiste · 22/05/2021 14:00

@fairynick

Reading this thread I’m so shocked! At 16-19 if I was in town on a Saturday night I would just get a taxi at 3am - not wake up my poor mother!
Absolutely!

DS16 has just arranged the cinema for tonight which will finish at 11pm. There will be four 16 year old lads walking home, I think they'll be fine!

I know my friend will end up picking them up... Hmm

Comefromaway · 22/05/2021 14:00

Slightly different situation in that Dh is no longer able to drive for medical reasons and we have caring responsibilities.

Ds therefore has to check his plans with us first, I will give a lift whenever possible otherwise he has to use the bus in the day/early evening or a taxi at night. This comes out of his pocket money.

Allywill · 22/05/2021 14:01

i always said to my daughters ring me and i will pick you up. i never wanted them stuck anywhere they were uncomfortable or wanted them taking dodgy lifts late at night. when i went to pick them up often they would be trailing other teenagers with them saying can we give x a lift home? i wondered how their parents thought they would get home often in the dead of winter, no coat and worse for wear. i wouldn’t leave a friend like that never mind a child of mine. even if they were 18 or so.

MrsPnut · 22/05/2021 14:01

We live rurally and have always picked up after parties etc. DD1 is now in her 20's and can drive so we rarely have to collect her from anywhere.
DD2 is still a teen and her boyfriend lives even more rurally than us and his mum is often collecting his older brother so will drop DD2 off at our house in the evening.
We did once have to call a taxi in an emergency to collect DD1 from a party where she had drunk too much. She was supposed to be staying at a friend's house so we had both had a drink. Dad to the rescue in a taxi with a bucket just in case.

babbaloushka · 22/05/2021 14:04

@fairynick

Reading this thread I’m so shocked! At 16-19 if I was in town on a Saturday night I would just get a taxi at 3am - not wake up my poor mother!
It's something parents choose to do- I would always rather my DDs know they can rely on me, anytime, any place, I'll be there to help them if they need it.

I have heard many horror stories from kids with parents so strict they would sleep on the streets rather than ask for help- one who ended up in hospital on a night out with acute alcohol poisoning and had to stay 2 nights- lying to his (incredibly strict) parents that he was at a friend's, just to avoid getting in trouble. I couldn't live with myself if my DC felt that afraid of us.

Blackhawkdown2020 · 22/05/2021 14:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

gurglebelly · 22/05/2021 14:09

I'm curious, do some parents not have any social life so they can play taxi for their young adults at any time of night?

Melitza · 22/05/2021 14:25

I got up one morning and there were two pairs of high heels in our hallway.
Turns out 2 sisters, 16 and 17 had been at a party and met my ds, 18.
Their df whose house they we’re going back to went home early and they couldn’t wake her to let them in.
They were too frightened to ring their parents at 2am and my sensible ds offered them our spare room.
Even so they had only just met my ds and willingly returned to a house that they didn’t know.
I reiterated to both my dc that they could and should ring us at any time of night for a lift.

Cactusesi · 22/05/2021 14:35

At 16/17 I gave my DD lifts everywhere, made sure she had money for a cab home and I would always pick her up if there was no one to share a cab with. That only happened twice before she went off to Uni at 18 and became more independent.

DS usually drank his taxi money so he usually had a long walk home. Happily he always made it.