To not pick teenager dd’s up?

[Rave2thegrave]

I have two teenager Dd’s, 19 and 16. They have a pretty active social life. Dh and I often give them lifts in the day and up to about 8pm... we will pick them up at 10 the latest, as long as its not all the time.

Awbu? They can get buses/trains/walk/taxis... sleep at friends etc

I will pick mine up at any time.
The only rule we have is no pick up on a Saturday night as I like to have a couple of Gin's

I would expect them to plan their own way to and from things (I'm not a taxi service) however obviously if it was awkward/late/unsafe I would offer a lift because their safety is the most important thing. But where appropriate and safe I would expect them to find their own way.

When he was younger, we would pick him up anytime up to midnight, now DS (20) is a bit bigger and burlier it is a mix, he went to see some friends the other night and asked for a lift there and back but didn't know what time and most crucially didn't want to commit to one, so we channelled Norman Tebbit and he went on his bike.

We will happily drive him there and pick up but if it is too late then we pay for a taxi.

He has a weekend end job in B&Q so we drive shotgun with him Friday, Saturday and Sunday and then DH will pick him up gone 10.00, once a month or DH will say on one of the days I would like a drink so please get the bus, combination of DH would genuinely like to have a pint without nursing it, and reinforcing the pleasure of driving your own car.

He always comes home and says God I missed my car.

I've always told my girls I'll pick them up any time, day or night, rather than them get public transport alone.

I'm 43 and my dad still would come and get me, even though I'm married.

There are too many girls and women being attacked and killed for me ever to say to my girls that they are on their own.

I’m happy to give lifts as I want to know they are safe, but I also want to be in my bed by 10pm the night before a work day.

At that age I would expect them to use public transport or get a taxi. At that age I walked most places or got a taxi.

And definitely not for the 19 year old. My parents had no involvement in picking me up or dropping me anywhere at that age!

Why not for the 19 year old?

I think 'my parents' is poor reasoning across the board tbh. People use it a lot but what one persons parents did doesn't necessarily mean it was the right thing to do.

Why would they not give you a lift? Why would you not give your child a lift based on what your parents did?

I would do it anytime of the day night as I'd much prefer to be reassured that I'd be picking them up and not getting in a taxi/trains with some creeps.

19 year old needs to sort themselve out but if the 16 year old was travelling alone I wouldn’t be too keen.

As in past 10pm at night

I picked up til 1200 for a party or occasional gathering, I thought this was early for a party but everyone seemed to be going at this time so they never asked for later. 10.00 would be fine for other pick ups but they never abused it and were grateful.We often had a car full of friends and dropped them off too and no one reciprocated but I would rather do that then leave them to make their own way.

My dd is 18 and we live rurally. We share lifts home with the other friends mums / dads. So one week I’ll pick them all up and drive them home and one week someone else will. Means I end up taxi service maybe once every 6 weeks or so. They don’t go out all the time. None of them can drive yet! I do however say the latest I’ll pick them up is 10/10.30pm. I need my bed!

When I was a teen I lived in south London and used to be out drinking and partying until god knows when and used to get the tube and train home and walk home (at 18/19-
I’m 40 now). I wouldn’t want dd to do that.

My DH has dreams of us moving to a more rural area. I dont want to for this reason that I know I will be the taxi service! At the moment my DC walk to some places themselves as we are near a town/station/their friends and I will collect. I take it in turns with another friends mum, but if we lived in the middle of nowhere I would expect anyone else to have to do a huge detour.

@Tk5787338

19 year old needs to sort themselve out but if the 16 year old was travelling alone I wouldn’t be too keen.

Why does a 19 year old 'need' to sort themselves out? Why does this sorting themselves out not include arranging a lift from parents? DH and I give each other lifts why exclude DC?

One of the reasons to pick them up is so they don’t get too drunk. Not victim blaming but if you know your parents are collecting you at midnight you know you have to be ok. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and that can put you/them at risk.

Totally depends.
Be at their beck and call 24/7? No way.
As an occasional favour, sure.

Our daughter is 23. We pick her up any time day or night. It's worth it to know she is safe. We have also picked up friends of hers to get them them out of a tricky situation.

Our sons are aged 27 and 30 and don't live at home, but they can call on us if they need picking up as well.

None of them abuse this.

There's a balance to be struck isn't there? It's not about being happy for your child to be assaulted after 10.43, it's about the teen having some respect for the parent's schedule and not expecting them to drive out at 2am on a work night just because they fancied staying out a bit longer. 2am because something went wrong, totally different kettle of fish but PPs are right that some teens will be reluctant to call on that.

It depends on so much though. If you have to be up at 4.30am to drive said teen to swim training the next day, or you regularly spend whole weekends running them to mountain climbing competitions, then that'll affect it. OP I think ideally it would be a conversation between you and teen. Maybe you could say 10 or earlier most days but later on Fri and Sat nights for example.

Any time, as long as it is planned for in advance. My mum did it for me and I will do it for my girls. Why put them at risk when you could collect them?

I pick my sons up (19 & 22) mostly for my benefit rather than theirs. They are happy to walk/public transport or whatever but if they have been drinking I'd prefer to collect them. It's not often and they don't abuse it, and it helps that I'm a night owl anyway.

I pick teenager DD up. If it's late late she stays over at friend's or get a taxi (she has a bank card and I'll load money on it if need be).

My dh works on the trams so I'm coming at this from his perspective of "no fucking way are any of my kids using public transport at night". The amount of assaults there are (that are unreported or reported but abandoned because the police don't turn up), the amount and variety of weapons they find, the people they come across. Its beyond frightening.

He would always put himself in harms way to protect someone, but they can't do anything if they aren't there.

I'm another than picks my DD up whenever she needs it and will until she doesn't need me to anymore. Minor inconvenience to me but could save her life one day.

I collect ds(17) up until midnight if it is not a school night, midweek 10 at latest, mostly because his friends go home in a different direction, but with restrictions it is very rare he is out to that time. Don't mind as we are up anyway and he's usually only 10-15 mins drive away.