DD’s friends changing gender at school

[AFS1]

My daughter is in yr 7. In the last month or so an increasing number of her female friends have changed their names to boys’ names and decided they want to be addressed as “he/him”. We’re up to at least 4, including her best friend who she’s known since they were in reception (and has never once demonstrated even the slightest hint of gender dysphoria). My daughter is desperately trying to respect the various requests but is becoming increasingly confused and upset by it all. She feels like she doesn’t really know her friends anymore and that she doesn’t fit in with them.

It very much feels like a phase to me, but it’s really beginning to have an impact on my daughter. It also feels like it’s getting out of hand. WIBU to speak to the school about it all? I don’t really know what they could do, but it just seems that maybe some work needs to be done around this issue.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I’d be really grateful for any advice about what to do and say. Thanks.

@babbaloushka

Had the same situation with my DDs at school, it was spreading like wildfire. I think them just keeping their heads down and trying to use to right pronouns/name should do fine. There was a pupil ay DD's school who used to wear different colour bracelets to signify what gender she was that day! Some of them enjoy the attention.

Changing gender each day?? Seriously??

This is a thing??

Surely that's not how gender dysphoria actually works??

It's girls in our school only, who have changed so far. We have one non binary and two trans. They have new names and new pronouns.

One is suicidal/self harming, one has no contact with a violent mother/terrible upbringing, one is in a care home.

I don't think that's a coincidence.

I really feel sorry for them.

@gluteustothemaximus

It's girls in our school only, who have changed so far. We have one non binary and two trans. They have new names and new pronouns.

One is suicidal/self harming, one has no contact with a violent mother/terrible upbringing, one is in a care home.

I don't think that's a coincidence.

I really feel sorry for them.

You’re not the first poster I’ve seen to provide a list like this - of the difficult backgrounds/experiences many of these children (girls mainly, like you say) have come from.

The more I read the more I don’t think it’s coincidence either. And yes, it is very sad.

I am not sitting on the fence on this one. Where do 11/12 year olds find such huge influence.?My lovely dd 17 has had a mental breakdown from wanting sex change surgery. I didn't see it coming. It has broken my heart. She is to be referred for transitioning guidance later this year. I believe she has been following various online transgender ftms for years. The number of girls wanting to be male is staggering and dawfs mtf transgender requests No one will support me. No one will challenge her!

Sorry to hear that lou 💐

My friends child is having surgery next year...ive no idea which sort because I’m afraid to ask (M2F) i blame people on the internet who say that they’ve transitioned completely and how happy they are

I don’t believe that this is the case for all of them, i do not believe they have all transitioned

Good lord! Will this nonsense ever end?!

Lipstick you're of course right not to ask.

There are a range of surgeries- things like breast implants, facial feminisation. For trans men double mastectomy seems to be a common one.

The surgery for both sexes around the groin is massively invasive, must be incredibly painful, and comes with a lot of risks. In general it's less common and I don't think it should be a 'condition' of being accepted while those who have not had the surgery are not.

I used to feel differently I think- as the surgery is such a huge step. But in the end it pushes towards a massive step, discriminates against those who don't, and doesn't change your sex.

The push over the last few years has hardened my views tbh.

And it's fucked things up for old school transsexuals really badly.

Put it this way, it wouldn't be happening under my watch.

I feel so sad for the families and teenagers and children . We just need this to stop, as the damage so great

@gluteustothemaximus

It's girls in our school only, who have changed so far. We have one non binary and two trans. They have new names and new pronouns.

One is suicidal/self harming, one has no contact with a violent mother/terrible upbringing, one is in a care home.

I don't think that's a coincidence.

I really feel sorry for them.

Our kids' school - 800 kids, non selective - has five ftm identifying pupils.... And not ONE out, gay male student. Something is happening here, and it's worrying.

@foreveryoungjustkidding- it really has!

@FakeColinCaterpillar

Part of the issue for me is that children of this age should be trying things out, clothes or whatever. What it shouldn’t be is a lifelong decision or given that much weight. It’s a time to experiment with identity and how you present yourself and that’s it.

I was a teen goth. Not a goth now. At the time I couldn’t believe I would ever wear a dress etc. This age is not a good one to be making life long decisions. As I get older I’m moving away from the idea that 17/18 year olds should have to make decisions about uni and careers that young.

Yes. It isn't legal for a child under 18 to get a tattoo, why would we allow them to permanently modify themselves with sex change surgery?

It’s definitely a trend and a big thing for teenage girls at the moment. My teenage girls talk about it a lot but think it’s all rubbish because they think sex stereotypes are also rubbish.

There have been a couple in ds friendship group, the group are mainly LGBTQ+, both are girls who now identify as boys. School have been very good right through with this, very understanding & caring. Both have been well supported through their friendship group & from other pupils in their year, there have been odd incidents but school came down hard on anyone who tried to cause problems.

The issue for my DH and I is no one will challenge our dd. They all pussyfoot around her. Doctors, camhs etc. She was a very feminine child. This persona came out of the blue. She is a tall female but would be a very slight man (tiny face, hands etc). I spend each day worrying what will happen to her when she has had this irreversible surgery. Will her so called friends (online and off) support her for the rest of her life? I have direct experience of a transgender person in my employ who was used by everyone and spat out. I don't want this for my child. Can I stop her post 18,no unless I call her insane. My best friend is gay and I never think about her private business but I think so called influencers (Miles, USA) have created a shit storm that is destroying families.

I speak as someone who really disagrees with anyone being defined by their gender( or race for that matter) Therefore I get why so many people wish to use neutral pronouns. However I think that instead we should all be challenging the stereotypes and what is considered the ' norma' for each gender. I work with students in an FE college and I support the many who come out as non binary, trans , gender fluid etc. I understand why a lot of teenagers feel that they do not fit the perceived norm for their gender. Yet I believe that they should, instead be saying I am a woman , but I do not conform to the norm, or I am a man, however I will act how I feel comfortable. Until more people do this society will never change their gender stereotyping. People will continue to say " oh well 'she' doesn't act like a woman because 'she' considers herself non binary". Instead we should be recognising that someone may be male or female but still have the right to be non conforming to other people's expectations. Stand up and be proud of your individuality, only then can we change society's prejudice.

Stonechat, SnickettyLemon, I agree. Up to last year my daughter said she was a girl but didn't want to dress like one. That wasn't a problem for anyone and when I was at school we had a number of girls who presented that way. Did they have to define thereselves? No they did not. Now we have to push for interventions as that is what 'caring' parents do. Who will help these effected people in twenty years time? A nice enquiry into ruined lives, lonely lives. I believe there are only a few hundred ftm operations a year so why has every medical person we have met been pushing for transisition? The original poster asked for guidance around these young children. I would suggest light hearted support. Too much navel gazing can be dangerous.

@SnickettyLemon

I speak as someone who really disagrees with anyone being defined by their gender( or race for that matter) Therefore I get why so many people wish to use neutral pronouns. However I think that instead we should all be challenging the stereotypes and what is considered the ' norma' for each gender. I work with students in an FE college and I support the many who come out as non binary, trans , gender fluid etc. I understand why a lot of teenagers feel that they do not fit the perceived norm for their gender. Yet I believe that they should, instead be saying I am a woman , but I do not conform to the norm, or I am a man, however I will act how I feel comfortable. Until more people do this society will never change their gender stereotyping. People will continue to say " oh well 'she' doesn't act like a woman because 'she' considers herself non binary". Instead we should be recognising that someone may be male or female but still have the right to be non conforming to other people's expectations. Stand up and be proud of your individuality, only then can we change society's prejudice.

Agree.

But the issue is that many girls and woman who say they are non conforming (no one should be conforming to any stereotype) they want to change to he/his and have a "boys name".

Non conforming is the way society should be. But we don't want that to mean sex born woman feel it's better to be male referred whilst non conforming to stereotypes. Why don't they feel comfortable being female referred whilst also not conforming to the female stereotype?

Snicketylemon I believe that is the most rational outcome. However why are ‘we’ still pushing gender norms onto children.
Gender reveal parties ffs. So now if you wish to tell the world you are expecting a boy you are supposed to fly blue flags and reveal blue glitter shit. Then expected to want everything blue.
What is so wrong in dressing a baby, any baby in white, lemon, mint in fact any colour.
Colours for boys were far nicer when I had ds. I would love to see a day where anyone can just buy clothes not boy or girl clothes and yes I know you can in effect buy from the ‘other’ section, but really should we have to do that.
Do I seriously have to buy clothes labelled for men just to buy a pair of pyjama shorts which don’t ride up my arse?

@GirlCrush

i work with young people. 2 have re assigned their gender. i'm supporting one through a physical transition

thank god people can now feel free to be who they feel they should be....just shows how many out there feel this way

Good god! Do you really not see the contradiction here?! Being free to be who you want to be, should not have to involve extreme surgery and damaging drugs. Being free to be who you want to be means being at peace with yourself and not feeling like you have to slot into a narrow societal view of what men and women are.

Naunet
This is actually how I see it. My daughter talks of having children but first she will freeze her eggs then marry a man after she has become one. For me this is madness. If my son started wearing dresses I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Ditto my husband but I wouldn't want either to suffer years of painful surgery. My elder brother use to have dyed hair, we took the piss but still loved him. One of my daughters teachers has said to her 'what are we calling ourself today?' I feel sorry for these educators who have so much to do without running the risk of accusations of transphobia.

Every new person who declares themselves non-binary because they are gender non-conforming makes it so much harder for the rest to stay "behind". That's what makes me so angry. It's just another way for the mainstream to "other" non-confirmists by pushing them into a new box.