To feel annoyed at this evening

[Malteser71]

We went out for dinner tonight with another couple. I’ll call them I’ll call them Tom and Sue. We’ve known them for almost 20 years so they are good friends, however we haven’t seen them in a long time due to covid.

I’ve also been WFH for 16 months now. I’m really lacking in adult company. We have two teenage kids and a dog, they are mainly the only people I’ve had to talk to. DH works outside the home.

Tonight was the first time I’d been out socially since last summer, I was very much looking forward to catching up with them and just having some adult conversation.

When we arrived at the restaurant, it seemed Tom had invited a friend of his that we loosely know (Andy). It seems that Andy had suggested seeing Tom tonight, but rather than telling Andy that he already had plans, Tom invited Andy to join us.

Andy’s wife has gone to London with work, so he brought his teenage son instead. I know the son, I find him very hard work, I wouldn’t choose to go out socially for a meal with him (I’m nearly 50, we are all a similar age).

It turns out that Tom told my husband about this change of plan earlier in the week, he didn’t think it important so didn’t mention it to me.

So basically I thought we were going out with friends but I’ve just spent the evening next to a teenage boy who I don’t really like, listening to him holding court on a variety of topics, interrupting, stifling our conversation and being a bit of a knob.

My own teenage children were at home. They’d have loved to come out for a meal, but I didn’t invite them because it was supposed to be ourselves and another couple.

I’m just furious with DH for not telling me about this change of plan, or for agreeing with Tom that it was fine to invite Andy and his son. I’ve had absolutely no adult conversation, I’ve just eaten an Italian meal listening to a teenager going on about why we should all be vegan.

aIBU to be really annoyed and feel cheated of my night out? It feels as though I wasn’t considered important enough to consult.

@Brefugee

all these peoplmoaning about what Frangipani said, are you the parents of the teenagers with Early Onset Mansplaining and find it adorable and wonder why everyone else thinks they're knobs?

This.

My sister and brother in law thinks the sun shines out of their obnoxious teen sons mansplaining arse. I mourn the disappearance of my cute, funny little nephew. He disappeared aged 15 and I’m still hoping he’ll return 5 years later.

@Aprilwasverywet I have visions of the people in the other car being like ‘where’s April going?’
Totally agree with you. You don’t get dressed up and get childcare etc to then feel expected to entertain someone else’s DC!

Yeah I'd have gone home early tbh.

I'd have been furious too....i go out in an evening to escape from my own kids...i'd be really pissed off to have to make small talk with someone elses.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop wow you really have it jn for teenage boys! Do you feel the same about teenage girls too or are they all perfect ??

I’d be really pissed off. With DH for not forewarning you and with Andy for bringing his son instead of just coming alone! It’s perfectly reasonable not to want to go to dinner with other people’s children.

Is there some over exaggerating going on here op? Why would all five adults sit there silent for a whole meal whilst this lad dominated the conversation?

Teenagers are often insufferable pricks, male and female. I imagine people who teach them all week are even more painfully aware of that than the rest of us.

Some are lovely, of course. Still doesn’t mean OP has to want to go to dinner with them when she was expecting a completely different (and enjoyable) evening.

I would be pissed off. The teenager sounds like a ball ache which is why he may not have pals his own age. I've got 3 sons all well past the teenage know it all phase but can clearly remember how painful it was

YANBU.
I sympathise; we used to go out regularly as a department (school) and one colleague would bring her two teenagers, who were pupils at the school. This inhibited conversation, as there would normally be a large element of shop talk. She would always say they weren’t listening and wouldn’t repeat anything, but they were, and did. If we suggested that they took the school bus home ( if we were going to the pub after school on Friday) as they were old enough to be home alone, she would kick up a fuss. They would always sit with us as well, rather than take their drink and crisps to the next table and play on their phones.

Old? You can’t be serious. 50 isn’t old.

It is to a teenager

So what? Does that mean we let them speak down to us? No!*

When did I say anything about allowing them to speak down to us? I merely stated that someone aged 50 is old to a teenager.

How did Sue feel about it?

I'm not sure I'd have been able to be polite. I might have made cutting remarks to the son about how I've heard this sort of thing from own teenagers many times. Then blanked him and talked to Sue.

Sometimes it's a really good and useful thing to be able to be assertive to the point of rude, as a way of communicating clearly to people who have imposed on you that this is not ok. I know some people who have this down to an art. I find older generations are generally much better at this, because they've grown up with almost all their social interactions being in person, so are more skilled at social and conversational tactics.

I know most won't agree with me but I think you're being a bit grumpy. No-one has been out of the house for a year. Maybe everyone needs a bit of company and they'll be other nights out. I think you need to chill out a bit.

The right thing to do would, IMO, have been for your DH to tell you and you to cancel, then see if you could rearrange with Tom and Sue alone. If they want to to provide social support to their friend's teenager for an evening that's up to them. It has nothing to do with you and your much-wanted and needed social plans.

@Strugglingtodomybest

Maybe DH didn't say anything because they knew this would be the response.Perhaps DH was more open to the idea of "the more the merrier" or "this will be good for both of them" or "what else are they meant to do this evening?"

And if course, DH should always be allowed to make decisions that will affect the both of them without consulting his DW

And why did the OP's DH not invite his own teenage children if it was a more-the-merrier free for all type of evening?

Although I would be irritated at my free time being taken up with someone else's teenager I feel for the teenager who could be being a pain cos the parents can't give him freedom - possibly to spend the evening at home

I’d be more angry with my dh for not telling me.
Make some new arrangements with your girlfriends and have some company that way .

The “is it okay to ask more people along to a meet-up?” threads appear pretty regularly on here; this is a very good example of why it isn’t! If you, Tom and Sue and Andy and Mrs Andy were an established group, would it be okay if Tom had asked Andy and Mrs Andy? Almost certainly yes. But otherwise, no - or at least not without checking with you. But Andy and his teenage son? If you only loosely know Andy? No way.....

@Pottedpalm, I don't understand people like that. Did anyone ever say anything to your colleague? It's either arrogance ( in a 'I'll take my kids wherever I want' way), or a bit dense.
Cannot get my head around why anyone would think this is acceptable!

Even the loveliest of teenagers (boys and girls) still think they know it all. They can’t help it. I personally could have ended world poverty, all wars and climate change when I was 15 (well possibly not climate change as it wasn’t particularly high on the agenda in 1975).

Some of them are more annoying than others when telling you about it though. And yes, some teenage boys are pricks and some teenage girls are bitchy - these personality traits don’t just go ‘ping’ and appear when they’re adults.

I would have been annoyed too, OP. I get that maybe your husband felt a bit uncomfortable saying ‘Actually no, we don’t want a teenager there’, but if he’d told you, you could have at least decided together whether you still wanted to go.

For all the people saying ‘Why didn’t you just sit with Sue?!’, it wasn’t some giant table where the OP and the teenager were miles away from everyone else - there were only six people there! How do you know Sue wasn’t seated to the other side of her?

Nothing good to say about the restaurant. Nothing good to say about seeing other people. Nothing good to say about the food. Just annoyed that it was not as expected.

This is AIBU, not TripAdvisor. Would the OP allowed to have a moan about what went wrong with the evening if she’d added, ‘On the plus side, the arancini were delicious, the service was quick and courteous and we even got a complimentary liqueur at the end of the night!’?

@StillCoughingandLaughing

This is AIBU, not TripAdvisor.

I love this and also 'early onset mansplaining' as coined by @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop which I shall be using in future

Poor old sue
Stuck with the teen waddling AND a moody OP with a save like thunder

Waffling!

You had more freedom here than you think. You didn’t have to ask the teen polite questions if you didn’t want to, you could have steered more of the conversation yourself.

Personally if it were me, I would be quietly texting friends from the bathroom seeing if anyone was up for a spontaneous drink, and I would have excused myself, no explanation necessary, just an apology and I must go... and then go on to have a much better evening of my choice!

Other times, I might have felt indulgent and want to take part in the socialisation and mentoring of a young person, he’s still learning how to conduct himself in these situations, they still need a little bit of help and encouragement.