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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel annoyed at this evening

255 replies

Malteser71 · 21/05/2021 00:45

We went out for dinner tonight with another couple. I’ll call them I’ll call them Tom and Sue. We’ve known them for almost 20 years so they are good friends, however we haven’t seen them in a long time due to covid.

I’ve also been WFH for 16 months now. I’m really lacking in adult company. We have two teenage kids and a dog, they are mainly the only people I’ve had to talk to. DH works outside the home.

Tonight was the first time I’d been out socially since last summer, I was very much looking forward to catching up with them and just having some adult conversation.

When we arrived at the restaurant, it seemed Tom had invited a friend of his that we loosely know (Andy). It seems that Andy had suggested seeing Tom tonight, but rather than telling Andy that he already had plans, Tom invited Andy to join us.

Andy’s wife has gone to London with work, so he brought his teenage son instead. I know the son, I find him very hard work, I wouldn’t choose to go out socially for a meal with him (I’m nearly 50, we are all a similar age).

It turns out that Tom told my husband about this change of plan earlier in the week, he didn’t think it important so didn’t mention it to me.

So basically I thought we were going out with friends but I’ve just spent the evening next to a teenage boy who I don’t really like, listening to him holding court on a variety of topics, interrupting, stifling our conversation and being a bit of a knob.

My own teenage children were at home. They’d have loved to come out for a meal, but I didn’t invite them because it was supposed to be ourselves and another couple.

I’m just furious with DH for not telling me about this change of plan, or for agreeing with Tom that it was fine to invite Andy and his son. I’ve had absolutely no adult conversation, I’ve just eaten an Italian meal listening to a teenager going on about why we should all be vegan.

aIBU to be really annoyed and feel cheated of my night out? It feels as though I wasn’t considered important enough to consult.

OP posts:
Gothichouse40 · 22/05/2021 02:28

I wonder if your husband knew you would be annoyed and didn't mention it. I have to say I hate people who make arrangements, and then you get there to discover some random person has been asked along.I also remember a disastrous meal one night. Three of us meeting up, but we didn't know one of our party had invited other people they knew. The people were a nightmare, bitched and moaned about everything. One of them who I think was a problem drinker got quite obnoxious and made a racist comment, that was enough for me. I voted with my feet. I would have said something to the person that made the comment, but it was becoming clear they were not only drunk as a lord , but becoming quite aggressive. The upshot was next day I told our friend that if she was continuing to see these people don't ever ask me to be in their company ever again. Friend wasn't happy, I wasn't caring and later on the friendship ended. No loss.

SatNightFever · 22/05/2021 06:00

@Viviennemary

It was very remiss your DH not to mention this. I would have been very annoyed too.
Why would her DH have needed to mention it? Grin it wouldn’t affect his night at all.

As far as he’s concerned , he’s going to be having a great night down one end of the table guffawing with the lads , while the teen down the other end, missing his mum , is fussed over by the laydeez .

Lweji · 22/05/2021 10:01

it could be that you just want to have a laugh about old times or talk about old music/tv which leaves out the teenager

Really? Why wouldn't he like to hear or possibly be interested in things from the past?
Hearing about adults' experiences is a learning and bonding opportunity. Better than any lecture.

This thread feels very English in that for some reason different generations have to be kept apart and children must spend time only with their families or peers.
I live in a much more open society, where chatting to friend's kids is not considered pandering to them. And we are genuinely interested in how they are doing. And they are welcome to listen to or participate in adult conversations. I think it genuinely makes for better adults.

Having said that, I remember being stuck for hours listening to my mother and her friends chatting away with no concept of how bored I was. I was a young child then. But it was a great window into the world of adults.

Lweji · 22/05/2021 10:04

Actually, maybe the OP should have tried that. ‘Honestly, I’ve been missing decent conversation - all we’ve been doing through lockdown is shagging and watching porn, and I’m red raw south of the border’. Andy wouldn’t have brought his son out again, I tell you that much.

You're not wrong. Grin

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 22/05/2021 10:04

@Lweji your last paragraph absolutely contradicts everything you said in your first few Confused you say "why shouldn't children be included" but then "I was so bored listening to adult conversations as a child". I highly doubt what your mum was saying was boring to them. But it was boring to you because you're much younger - why would that not apply today, to any other child?

Lweji · 22/05/2021 10:09

I said I was bored as a child, not as a teenager. But it was his choice to go, so he had options. As I'm sure he had a phone should he want to avoid the conversation.

I'm replying to the OP, not the teen, as to the impossibility of having adult or interesting conversations.

And I said that, bored as I was as a child, it was a good window into adulthood. Less of a shock when I got there. Grin

knockles · 22/05/2021 18:30

I would be so annoyed. Spending money on a meal out that you had been looking f orward to for so long with the other couple. I'd be so pissed off.

Anastar23 · 22/05/2021 18:40

Yanbu
Make you’re hubby take you out and he pays!!
Men are so thoughtless at times!

Crunchymum · 22/05/2021 18:56

@Malteser71

For the love of God tell us about Sue Grin

Why didn't you move to sit with her?

Was she happy with the additional guests?

We need to know!!

Onlinedilema · 22/05/2021 18:59

How come you sat next to the teenage son?
Next time ( if there is one) sit next to Sue and your dh.

katy1213 · 22/05/2021 19:05

I'd be furious. But I'd have made damn sure I was sitting as far away as possible - and no way would I have engaged him in conversation about his sodding veganism and A-levels. Is the withering adult put-down a lost art?

Imnothereforthedrama · 22/05/2021 19:08

Oh I hate that sort of thing when people invite themselves +1 or only asked to be polite .
I’m still fuming with my dh nearly 20years ago because he invited his colleague Dp in front of me to my hen night . We were on a works night out when he asked her and first time I met her and dh thought wrongly that because we got along that it was ok . She bloody agreed but requested to bring a friend but was a bit awkward because she knew no one else and didn’t seem keen to get to know the others complained about the restaurant/ the bill etc never again would I let that happen but at the time I felt I couldn’t refuse . Men are bloody idiots sometimes and just don’t think .

AdaColeman · 22/05/2021 19:11

"a teenager going on about why we should all be vegan"

I hope you ordered the foie gras and the carpaccio of beef Malteser! Wink

Toomuchtrouble4me · 22/05/2021 20:22

I hope you had a rare steak.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 22/05/2021 20:27

@Lweji

it could be that you just want to have a laugh about old times or talk about old music/tv which leaves out the teenager

Really? Why wouldn't he like to hear or possibly be interested in things from the past?
Hearing about adults' experiences is a learning and bonding opportunity. Better than any lecture.

This thread feels very English in that for some reason different generations have to be kept apart and children must spend time only with their families or peers.
I live in a much more open society, where chatting to friend's kids is not considered pandering to them. And we are genuinely interested in how they are doing. And they are welcome to listen to or participate in adult conversations. I think it genuinely makes for better adults.

Having said that, I remember being stuck for hours listening to my mother and her friends chatting away with no concept of how bored I was. I was a young child then. But it was a great window into the world of adults.

I think you need to re-read the post. Let’s not English bash - the op had a 2couples night planned and ended up having to listen to a very overbearing teenager. Of course we do family and friends multi-generational meals. But that wasn’t what this was supposed to be, if it were then op’s own teens would have been there.
VinylCafe · 22/05/2021 21:31

@Brefugee

all these peoplmoaning about what Frangipani said, are you the parents of the teenagers with Early Onset Mansplaining and find it adorable and wonder why everyone else thinks they're knobs? Grin
This! I would have loved @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop to have taught my DC when they were teenagers. In fact, I think there was a teacher like her at their school who taught them they weren’t the entitled gits they thought they were.
Hertsgirl10 · 22/05/2021 22:51

I mean .... it’s a dinner he’s not selling the house.

Alwayscalminacrisis · 23/05/2021 06:08

@Pottedpalm That department drinks do sounds awful!! I would rather hurt myself with a rusty fork! (Ex teacher, mother of numerous teens)

Alwayscalminacrisis · 23/05/2021 06:19

@StillCoughingandLaughing Grin

Darbs76 · 23/05/2021 06:42

I’d have been furious too. OP could have gone and you could have had a night in front of the TV and a bottle of wine.

Egghead81 · 23/05/2021 06:56

@Darbs76

I’d have been furious too. OP could have gone and you could have had a night in front of the TV and a bottle of wine.
Presumably she’s been doing a lot of that over the Last year. Tv and bottle of wine less appealing or special than two years ago!
Sophiethegiraffe1 · 23/05/2021 08:08

Maybe if the boy had special needs he couldn’t have been left on his own?
Are you friendly with ‘Sue’ OP? If she knew about it maybe she could have text and let you know the kid was gonna come. What did she say to you after the incident.
Also, is it far from your house? Could you have text your kids to come along once you found out to hang out with him?
Could you ask DH to go out for dinner this week? Maybe just you two?

Bleachmycloths · 23/05/2021 08:56

When arranging a meal with people, you are essentially choosing the group dynamics. I find it infuriating when someone invites an extra person, thereby upsetting these dynamics. YANBU
I’d also be angry with DH.
This would make an interesting post. ‘Have you ever had an evening ruined by an e tea/uninvited guest?’ 😊

Bleachmycloths · 23/05/2021 08:57

...extra guest...

jugOFpimms · 23/05/2021 14:19

Tom should not of invited Andy & Andy should not of even thought of bringing his son & what about Sue ! I think maybe your husband knew you would be pissed so" forgot" to mention this before the night......i would be pissed off ,your right to feel pissed off.

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