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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel annoyed at this evening

255 replies

Malteser71 · 21/05/2021 00:45

We went out for dinner tonight with another couple. I’ll call them I’ll call them Tom and Sue. We’ve known them for almost 20 years so they are good friends, however we haven’t seen them in a long time due to covid.

I’ve also been WFH for 16 months now. I’m really lacking in adult company. We have two teenage kids and a dog, they are mainly the only people I’ve had to talk to. DH works outside the home.

Tonight was the first time I’d been out socially since last summer, I was very much looking forward to catching up with them and just having some adult conversation.

When we arrived at the restaurant, it seemed Tom had invited a friend of his that we loosely know (Andy). It seems that Andy had suggested seeing Tom tonight, but rather than telling Andy that he already had plans, Tom invited Andy to join us.

Andy’s wife has gone to London with work, so he brought his teenage son instead. I know the son, I find him very hard work, I wouldn’t choose to go out socially for a meal with him (I’m nearly 50, we are all a similar age).

It turns out that Tom told my husband about this change of plan earlier in the week, he didn’t think it important so didn’t mention it to me.

So basically I thought we were going out with friends but I’ve just spent the evening next to a teenage boy who I don’t really like, listening to him holding court on a variety of topics, interrupting, stifling our conversation and being a bit of a knob.

My own teenage children were at home. They’d have loved to come out for a meal, but I didn’t invite them because it was supposed to be ourselves and another couple.

I’m just furious with DH for not telling me about this change of plan, or for agreeing with Tom that it was fine to invite Andy and his son. I’ve had absolutely no adult conversation, I’ve just eaten an Italian meal listening to a teenager going on about why we should all be vegan.

aIBU to be really annoyed and feel cheated of my night out? It feels as though I wasn’t considered important enough to consult.

OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 21/05/2021 07:20

And at the lecturing I'm afraid I'd have said something that i used to say to my teenagers about not having arrived on planet earth yesterday.

It really is important to remind teenagers that you're not the sad old fogie with no clue they think you are. I don't accept that "all teenagers think people over 35 are old"; I don't let disrespect slide just because of a child's age and I'm disappointed that so many people do.

rainbowstardrops · 21/05/2021 07:22

I'd be furious with your DH for not even bothering to mention it but I wouldn't be cross with the teenager because he was well, just being a teenager! He probably didn't even realise that it would affect you and how you feel.
Your DH though was bang out of order for not giving you the choice to go or cancel.

Twiglets1 · 21/05/2021 07:24

I would be annoyed too but not so much with my husband, more towards Tom who should have just made plans to see his friend on a different date, not gatecrashed your get together.

Bluesheep8 · 21/05/2021 07:24

Old? You can’t be serious. 50 isn’t old.

It is to a teenager

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 21/05/2021 07:25

@Bluesheep8

Old? You can’t be serious. 50 isn’t old.

It is to a teenager

So what? Does that mean we let them speak down to us? No!
Misseasteregg · 21/05/2021 07:25

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop i agree with everything you say.

springblossom2 · 21/05/2021 07:27

To be quite honest I would have sat at the end of the table with sue opposite and left the men/boys to their own conversation

Exactly that. Why does it have to be such an annoyance? Have your friends over next time - and don't let anyone invite Andy. I don't see how you can blame your husband for not mentioning it. Maybe he didn't realise you were so sensitive.

Thefamilybusiness · 21/05/2021 07:29

Why did you not sit near sue and talk to her and tell the teen he was being rude and annoying?

PegasusReturns · 21/05/2021 07:34

Op I’m sorry your evening was ruined - it’s very frustrating. I have a friend who always allows her teenager to join group zoom catch ups. Drives me and the others to distraction.

I have two teens and at times their conversations can be unbearable: meandering monologues about things that are of no interest to me as their parent who loves them, let alone a near stranger.

Jent13c · 21/05/2021 07:37

YANBU if I was wanting a night out with a kid it would be my own kids, not someone else's. Your husband who had the heads up could have easily said 'Oh sounds a bit boring for him, why doesn't he come round and our teens are getting a pizza together while we are out'.

Agree it seems strange that a fathers solution to his son being a bit lonely and friendless is to have him spend time with people 30 years older than him.

OnlyInYourDreams · 21/05/2021 07:41

Tbh I don’t see why dh should have had to tell the OP.

They were going for a night out. Exactly why should it only be considered a night out on the OP’s terms i.e. with only the friends she wanted to see?

Reality is that this is the first time in a long time that people have been able to go out. To expect that to go exactly according to a specific plan is unrealistic. Everyone has had it hard, everyone has missed out on seeing friends/family, and everyone wants to get together with other people.

I suspect that Sue was as on board with having Andy and his son there as Tom, probably because she too has missed out on seeing friends over the lockdown.

And I suspect that they all wanted to get together and not have such a rigid evening as the OP had planned for.

Teenagers can be annoying, but if they try to be know-alls then you throw it back at them.

If a teenager started to lecture me about how everyone should be vegan I would have ordered the veal.

singsingbluesilver · 21/05/2021 07:42

If posters don't want their kids anywhere near teachers who don't think some teenage boys are pricks then they need to prepare themselves to homeschool.

Teachers are not contractually obliged to adore each and every child in their class. Some teenagers are pricks.

3Britnee · 21/05/2021 07:43

I’ve just eaten an Italian meal listening to a teenager going on about why we should all be vegan

I have got up and left. Fuck that for a laugh.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 21/05/2021 07:44

This would massively piss me off too OP

Phineyj · 21/05/2021 07:48

This thread has made my day (sorry OP, I wouldn't have enjoyed the evening either). Early onset mansplaining GrinGrinGrin.

Clymene · 21/05/2021 07:51

@OnlyInYourDreams

Tbh I don’t see why dh should have had to tell the OP.

They were going for a night out. Exactly why should it only be considered a night out on the OP’s terms i.e. with only the friends she wanted to see?

Reality is that this is the first time in a long time that people have been able to go out. To expect that to go exactly according to a specific plan is unrealistic. Everyone has had it hard, everyone has missed out on seeing friends/family, and everyone wants to get together with other people.

I suspect that Sue was as on board with having Andy and his son there as Tom, probably because she too has missed out on seeing friends over the lockdown.

And I suspect that they all wanted to get together and not have such a rigid evening as the OP had planned for.

Teenagers can be annoying, but if they try to be know-alls then you throw it back at them.

If a teenager started to lecture me about how everyone should be vegan I would have ordered the veal.

Because she thought she was going out for a fun meal with Tom and Sue. Not a boring mansplaining lecture from the fruit of Andy's loins.
Aprilwasverywet · 21/05/2021 07:53

I would have been furious at the evening costing me money!
Years ago we used to go out with another couple. Took turns choosing the restaurant.. Met and just followed who's car it's turn was. Drove(following) into a Mr Twister type place and drove out the exit and went home!! We had organised a babysitter and expected an adult evening not one surrounded by the sight /sound /smell of dc!!
Change of dynamic needs a discussion imo.

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 21/05/2021 07:54

We had a similar scenario last week

It was fine though, I did talk to the teenager, but also talked to my friends

I don’t know why you didn’t just talk to your friend (Sye) more? And tease the teen about veganism ?

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 21/05/2021 07:58

You can solely blame your DH for this. Your friend did tell him about the change of plans, your DH didn’t inform you. I’m sure had he informed you of the change, you’d probably have chosen not to go.

rossclare · 21/05/2021 08:00

Even if he does, that still doesn't mean it's ok for the Dad to bring him along on an adult evening.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 21/05/2021 08:04

And I suspect that they all wanted to get together and not have such a rigid evening as the OP had planned for.

Food drink and laughter without the presence of children sounds so rigid 😂😂

grapewine · 21/05/2021 08:04

@Brefugee

It sounds frustrating but the son may have had a harder time than you know over the last year so I would try to chalk it up to experience. You might have really helped Andy and his son.

yes yes - women should always be sure to make sure all the men are ok. Who, in this scenario, is thinking about OP and how she might have had a shit year and in need of adult company? certainly not her DH for sure.

Frankly? I would have said at the time that i thought it was adults only. And i certainly wouldn't have sat next to him. And at the lecturing I'm afraid I'd have said something that i used to say to my teenagers about not having arrived on planet earth yesterday.

I feel your pain OP.

Agree with this. YANBU. I would have been pissed off.
EasterEggBelly · 21/05/2021 08:04

YANBU. It’s bad enough having spent the past 12 months pretty much exclusively with own DC (!) but for your first child free evening to have to be considerate and polite to someone else’s? Hideous.
I’ll never understand why people can’t just leave their DC at home for an evening/event. It totally changes the dynamic when there are children present. If you don’t want to leave your DC don’t go.
Unfortunately on this occasion it appears your DH is at fault for not passing the change of attendees to you. At least then you would have changed your expectations of the evening (or declined).

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 21/05/2021 08:06

@singsingbluesilver

If posters don't want their kids anywhere near teachers who don't think some teenage boys are pricks then they need to prepare themselves to homeschool.

Teachers are not contractually obliged to adore each and every child in their class. Some teenagers are pricks.

The irony is the posters horrified at my comment, if their teenage daughter was spoken to at school that way by a boy they'd (rightly) be kicking up a fuss - but grown women seemingly should STFU and smile sweetly when it happens to them and not push back or make comments on an online forum
LookItsMeAgain · 21/05/2021 08:07

@Thatisnotwhatisaid

You can solely blame your DH for this. Your friend did tell him about the change of plans, your DH didn’t inform you. I’m sure had he informed you of the change, you’d probably have chosen not to go.
In fairness though why should the OP forfeit a night out because someone else changed the plans? Why couldn't the OP's husband have said "Oh, thanks for letting us know Tom that you've invited Andy and his son to dinner. We'll pass as we were expecting to just catch up with you and Sue as we haven't see either of you for such a long time due to Covid. You enjoy your evening with Andy and his son" or even "Ah, Tom...we were looking forward to catching up with you and Sue. It would be nice to see Andy again but I think having a teenager at a table with all of us will change the atmosphere considerably. Can you tell Andy to leave X behind this time?" or something like that.

There was absolutely no need to miss out on a night out because someone else decided to change the list of people showing up.