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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm privileged but I hate my life!

182 replies

MissVanji · 20/05/2021 20:09

I'm a SAHM to 2 DC. I have a lovely DH who has a very good job so we are all well provided for and don't ask for much. I'm in my early 30s with 2 DC under 3 and to be honest I'm miserable.

Everyone thinks I have it all but I wake up every morning like its groundhog day, just another day to clean up everyone's crap and try be the perfect wife/mum when I just desperately want some freedom away from the 3 people I love the most.

They are suffocating me and I just want to RUN!!!!! I love them so much and feel like a shitty person because I know I'm lucky but I am just so desperately sad and feel like my life is ruined I'm struggling tbh.

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 20/05/2021 20:12

I don't think you are being unreasonable necessarily. Two children under 3 is bloody hard work and it's only natural to want a bit of space. Maybe more so at the moment after the lockdowns.

Do you intend to remain a SAHM or could you consider going back to work, maybe part time, to get some identity back?

Or, could the children attend nursery for a couple of mornings a week to give you some space?

Blueeyedgirl21 · 20/05/2021 20:13

Could you work PT for some sort of adult company? Go to Uni?

CursedEngagement · 20/05/2021 20:14

www.theguardian.com/money/shortcuts/2021/mar/22/make-mine-a-micro-job-why-working-one-day-a-week-is-the-secret-of-happiness

Get a micro-job. If you get enough to cover childcare for one day each week then it could benefit you all. You'd be happier with some outside interaction, the kids will get a different environment, you're not worse off financially and DH gets a happier wife :)

blackcurrantjam · 20/05/2021 20:15

I've been there with two small children sahm and tbh it was so so hard. I would second putting plans in place to work/study too x

Original poster
MissVanji · 20/05/2021 20:16

DC1 goes to nursery 3 times a week half days but he has additional needs and is lot.

I would like to go back to work part time when kids are both in full time school, my issue is my job is quite niche and requires a lot of overseas travel which DH isn't so keen on.

I know its awful but this just isn't what I imagined in my disney dreams of family life .

OP posts:
Checkingout811 · 20/05/2021 20:16

You sound like me OP. It is crap at times even though we’re very lucky. I don’t have to ask for money so we can do days out as often as we like but the weather is terrible at the moment.
My boys go to nursery Monday & Wednesday now so I get time to go to the gym, meet friends or my mum or sister for lunch, have a massage etc
It’s really important to have some you time.

spotcheck · 20/05/2021 20:17

Dear lord....

It is ok/ necessary to want something for yourself. You are a real person too, not just an extension of your kids and husband.

Please do something regularly for yourself- volunteer, work part time, take a course. Yes it may cost money or seem strange to get a childminder when you are home, but it is important to look after yourself too.

HeddaGarbled · 20/05/2021 20:17

My advice is to go back to work.

Checkingout811 · 20/05/2021 20:17

My eldest son also has additional needs. It really changed the dynamic. How old is your youngest?

DenisetheMenace · 20/05/2021 20:18

Book an appointment with your GP: no amount of privilege can overcome depression.

Xenia · 20/05/2021 20:19

I worked full time when our children were 3 of them under 3 and ultimately earned 10x my husband who also works full time. That is much more fun than minding children all day. Get out there and work full time and out earn the husband.

Checkingout811 · 20/05/2021 20:22

Sorry. I feel I need to clarify, when I said you sound like me I meant as in a SAHM to 2 under 3. I don’t hate my life. But I do other things too. You need something for yourself. If you’re miserable it isn’t for you.
I love my life to be honest; yes some days are rubbish but that’s life. If you hate your life and you’re miserable, then something needs to change.
Is your husband supportive of you working? How old is the youngest?

AmandaHoldensLips · 20/05/2021 20:23

You're not alone. I bloody hated it and wouldn't wish motherhood on my worst enemy. It's an endless hamster wheel of thankless groundhog-day drudge.

lalamo · 20/05/2021 20:24

I agree with posters recommending work. It's not just about the money - it's about fulfilment, doing something you're good at and being recognised for that. I have a small DC and it's great - but in limited amounts.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/05/2021 20:24

You've every right to have feelings of groundhog dog and be fed up like anyone else.
Being at home with the DC is tough. I'm off a year now with the pandemic.
What about an online course? A book club? Most importantly a cleaner to help with the big jobs then the tidying up will be easier.

Original poster
MissVanji · 20/05/2021 20:26

My youngest is 9 months so I'm really in the thick of it atm.

OP posts:
Lovelanguedoc · 20/05/2021 20:31

I think two things are needed here, especially if money isn't a problem.
You need an interest of your own. Not necessarily the job that you used to do, but maybe part time, or even a hobby that interests you.
You also need a capable nanny to takeover some of your duties and give you some breathing space.
I hope things work out for you.

Original poster
MissVanji · 20/05/2021 20:33

Covid has played its part in these feelings but also our family are s**t, so don't have anyone to rely on to watch DC to have a break.

Those who have felt this way, does it get easier as kids get older??

OP posts:
blackcurrantjam · 20/05/2021 20:38

At 9mo you're Def in the thick of it.
Tiredness might be really starting to bite.

I'm interested that your DH isn't keen on overseas travel for your job.

In that situation my older self would now tell my younger self to tell my DH (stbxh) to piss off. Women can get caught up in not doing what we love - work, travel, etc, instead focusing on the needs of the family, while husband works, travels etc and ime it is actually ruinous.

Summerfun54321 · 20/05/2021 20:38

It’s ok to change your mind and get some part time work. It’s also ok to change your mind, get part time work, then change your mind again and go back to being a SAHM....if you’re miserable now, it’s going to be a very long wait until they both reach school age. Can you study part time to change careers? If you’ve got money you have a lot of options that others don’t.

trilbydoll · 20/05/2021 20:42

You are absolutely in the worst bit. And tbh it gets harder when the youngest is first toddling and the eldest isn't really old enough to understand why they need to wait for the little one to catch up! But it absolutely does get easier.

Is there anything similar you can do work wise that doesn't necessarily mean lots of overseas travel? Not that it should be a dealbreaker but it does add a layer of logistical complication.

Vick99 · 20/05/2021 20:47

I went through patches of feeling like this when my two were that age. It does get A LOT easier, honestly!! Mine are now 4 and 6 and I even find myself reminiscing with rose-tinted spectacles about the baby/toddler stage!
One thing which I sometimes find helps is to be more active in planning things to do at home - don't just follow their lead and end up wanting to gouge out your eyes playing car crashes/Peppa Pig tea parties/whatever the latest obsession is for hours on end - instead actually plan a couple of activities like baking, play dough, nature trail, little obstacle course in the garden etc. Somehow I find having it more led by me (even though it requires a bit of planning) is much more rewarding.

sleepyhead · 20/05/2021 20:48

I'm not great without personal space (and I work so I get a lot more than you!).

Occasionally I've gone away for a night or two - sometimes to meet a friend or for work, sometimes just me on my own to do nothing but recharge.

Just one night watching rubbish on telly in a Premier In can do wonders and make coming home extra special.

SeaToSki · 20/05/2021 20:50

Im glad you are talking about it (even if its just the vipers on here 😁). I would suggest you go to the GP and have a good chat. At 9 months you may well still be dragged down from pregnancy and birth and the GP can run a few blood tests just to check your thyroid and iron/B12/D levels are where they should be. If any of those is out of whack it can drag you to the depths.

How much sleep are you getting, if the answer is lacking, then can you sort that out?

Young dc are, quite frankly, boring. They are very cute but its all about getting things into them, off them and keeping them away from danger. Not very intellectually stimulating.

Can you make a short term plan to give you some mental stimulation and then a long term plan to find a way to reenter the work force in a role that doesnt involve overseas travel?

Sunspill · 20/05/2021 20:51

Hi @MissVanji -go back to work.

Your husband gets to work - why shouldn't you? You’ll have to share the childcare in future. He can’t expect you to be miserable just because it’s more CONVENIENT for him not to have to look after his own children for some of the time...