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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm privileged but I hate my life!

182 replies

MissVanji · 20/05/2021 20:09

I'm a SAHM to 2 DC. I have a lovely DH who has a very good job so we are all well provided for and don't ask for much. I'm in my early 30s with 2 DC under 3 and to be honest I'm miserable.

Everyone thinks I have it all but I wake up every morning like its groundhog day, just another day to clean up everyone's crap and try be the perfect wife/mum when I just desperately want some freedom away from the 3 people I love the most.

They are suffocating me and I just want to RUN!!!!! I love them so much and feel like a shitty person because I know I'm lucky but I am just so desperately sad and feel like my life is ruined I'm struggling tbh.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 21/05/2021 14:03

If a man had an affair and his wife hard working full timer m the misogynistic mindset would blame the breakdown of the marriage on that and fact she wasn’t “looking after him” ! So frankly you can’t win either way !

13579db · 21/05/2021 14:06

And yes it's ok to have a day when everything is crap, it doesn't mean your entire life has to change, it maybe is a warning that you're burnt out or something?

Life is too pressured to be perfect all the time when it actually isn't like that!

Templetreebreeze · 21/05/2021 14:10

@MsTSwift

If a man had an affair and his wife hard working full timer m the misogynistic mindset would blame the breakdown of the marriage on that and fact she wasn’t “looking after him” ! So frankly you can’t win either way !
I really hate the your husband will have an affair crap on here. "Your husband will leave you if you are a bored SAHM or your husband will leave you you are a neglectful WOHM" Women actually come out with this shit to each other. If your DH is that much of a tool chuck him back !
YanTanTethera123 · 21/05/2021 14:12

@MissVanji

But people have family who take kids for days out etc. I never said full on childcare.
Really? My family and my in-laws did sweet FA! My DH worked ridiculous hours (farming) so I had to get on with it. I worked nights three nights a week, ran a playgroup one day a week which the children attended and generally met up with friends, swapping children to give each other a break. Unfortunately money was scare enough so I had to be resourceful, so perhaps throwing money at it for a nanny/childcare is an option?
Amaya89 · 21/05/2021 14:30

I felt that way for years. I had zero family help with 3 young children and it felt like my life had gone horribly wrong. My kids were and are amazing but I lost me. My youngest is now school age, I got a part time job and I am so much better for it.

MsTSwift · 21/05/2021 14:39

Absolutely. If my dh chose to have an affair he can sod right off it would all be on him not related to my employment choices!

Templetreebreeze · 21/05/2021 14:40

@MsTSwift

Absolutely. If my dh chose to have an affair he can sod right off it would all be on him not related to my employment choices!
Exactly but some posters with internalised misogyny like to spout this stuff!
thedogtookit · 21/05/2021 15:13

Are you Indian op?

thedogtookit · 21/05/2021 15:14

Wondering from a cultural point of view.

Cowbells · 21/05/2021 15:18

I adored being a mum, adore my DC but I felt exactly like this when they were that age. It is boring, relentless, Groundhog Day work. If they are not in full-day nursery at least two days a week, aim for that. Use the time to do something for yourself - go to the gym, take a class, do some PT or freelance work or just lie on the sofa reading novels. Being a mother is 24/7 work when they are that age so you should feel no shame at doing what you want for a few hours a week.

It gets easier once they go to school.

MyDcAreMarvel · 21/05/2021 15:19

@SofiaMichelle People who work don't rear their children of course people who work rear their children. I was talking about one specific poster.

HarrisMcCoo · 21/05/2021 16:19

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@Xenia* and ultimately earned 10x my husband who also works full time. That is much more fun than minding children all day.* you have written some distasteful posts over the years but this one tops it. Earning 10x the income of your dh is “more fun” than “minding children” . They were your own children![/quote]
Also no mention that any of her DC had additional needs. Of course it's easy to just get on with your career if everything is really plain sailing. If only life was as straightforward as this for all....

HarrisMcCoo · 21/05/2021 16:22

Some folk love to brag🙄

OP hope you find a happy medium that suits you best. Ten minutes each day doing something on your own always helps me. Painting nails, reading, bath with a glass of wine on your own door locked etc.

LemonPooFertalizer · 21/05/2021 18:35

Ten times nowt is nowt so there are plenty of people who earn more than ten times their partners, it is a meaningless statement. That’s even if you feel high earnings are meaningful.

MarshmallowSwede · 21/05/2021 19:03

Any mummy groups you can join? Just to meet someone for coffee during the day would be nice. Maybe a yoga class at your local gym? You definitely need something for yourself.

Perhaps allowing yourself one Saturday a month or so to go to a spa or just have some alone time would be helpful.

Sweak · 21/05/2021 20:41

Some people, who seem to post on every sahm thread there is, are so absorbed in arguing being a sahm is a bad idea on principle they are loosing sight of the OP herself

OP lots have suggested going back to work, or retraining (myself included). However, I've not really seen you respond to this. Do you want to work? Or do you think some other changes might benefit you more?

Original poster
MissVanji · 21/05/2021 20:56

Wow lots of replies!

Just a few points.

  1. I am not Asian, white British.
  1. I have looked into a few options today regarding work and had a discussion with DH who was very supportive. My job involves Art so I'm thinking of maybe teaching some free classes (I'm not an artist but business side of Art and the Art world). Going to research.
  1. It was MY choice to be a SAHM. Doesnt mean I have to like it everyday. My husband didn't push me and I doubt he will have an affair just because I'm struggling atm. Hmm
  1. We are going to hire a cleaner and look into a nanny service so I can go back to some of my previous hobbies.

Thank you to all who had helpful suggestions, those who feel similar I hope you find something that helps you.

OP posts:
Checkingout811 · 21/05/2021 21:20

Good for you OP. Sounds like you have a good, supportive DH behind you too which is invaluable.

Embracelife · 21/05/2021 21:22

Get a job
Get a nanny
A nanny can handle additional needs routine appointments therapies
No reason not to choose to go to work

blackcurrantjam · 21/05/2021 22:25

@Candleabra

This happens to many families when they have kids. So few of my friends kept their great jobs. They all became SAHM, went part time etc. Fast forward 20 years they are stuck.

Husband (often less competent) has the big job now, facilitated by the wife. Yet doesn't realise it or appreciate it! Thinks it is all down to his hard work.
Now divorces are happening as heads are being turned by younger, more exciting women. Oh the irony that that the wife they encouraged to give up work to make life easier is now deemed boring, and a drain on the family as she doesn't earn a lot.

So true
IND1A · 21/05/2021 23:01

@Sunspill

Hi *@MissVanji* -go back to work.

Your husband gets to work - why shouldn't you? You’ll have to share the childcare in future. He can’t expect you to be miserable just because it’s more CONVENIENT for him not to have to look after his own children for some of the time...

This.

If overseas travel is part of your job then he will just have to step up. Same as you have done for him by giving up your own job for three whole years.

violetbunny · 22/05/2021 02:56

How hands on is your DH currently? Do you each have equal leisure time when he is not working? If your answer is no, that's the issue right there.

Anothermother3 · 22/05/2021 15:00

I love being a mum and I love it a loooot more when I can be with other adults. I feel sad I haven’t enjoyed my youngest as much because having a toddler in lockdown is constant firefighting it’s been hard. Spending time with other adults you like helps. Can you join some activities with the kids and find another parent or two you like.

LemonPooFertalizer · 22/05/2021 20:50

@violetbunny

How hands on is your DH currently? Do you each have equal leisure time when he is not working? If your answer is no, that's the issue right there.
She has said he pulls his weight but obviously can’t do half as he is working and she is not. I think this is mostly a case of just being in the most difficult stage of rearing two children, when neither is old enough to do much for themselves. This too shall pass.
emmylousings · 22/05/2021 21:00

I haven't seen any 'vipers' here, everyone has been kind & practical!!

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