Page 3 | I know I'm privileged but I hate my life!

MissVanji · 2021-05-20T19:09:32+00:00

I'm a SAHM to 2 DC. I have a lovely DH who has a very good job so we are all well provided for and don't ask for much. I'm in my early 30s with 2 DC under 3 and to be honest I'm miserable. Everyone thinks I have it all but I wake up every morning like its groundhog day, just another day to clean up everyone's crap and try be the perfect wife/mum when I just desperately want some freedom away from the 3 people I love the most. They are suffocating me and I just want to RUN!!!!! I love them so much and feel like a shitty person because I know I'm lucky but I am just so desperately sad and feel like my life is ruined I'm struggling tbh.

Regularsizedrudy · 20/05/2021 21:23

Sounds like my idea of hell. Get a job?

Coyoacan · 20/05/2021 21:24

Don't look for perfection when child rearing, look for what works for you. My dd was in a nursery from 9 months and as long as you are certain that they well looked after, no harm with come to them. It is much better for them than having a miserable mother, that's for sure.

ALevelhelp · 20/05/2021 21:24

Sorry I've not read the whole thread, but I will come back to do that!

Could you do some volunteering? I absolutely lost myself being a SAHM but felt really ungrateful for finding it tough. After several years I took up a couple of volunteering roles and it was the making of me. I made new friends ( who weren't mum friends yippee!!), I found new interests and I just got out of the same 4 walls...!! Usually you can find something that fits in well around the family x

Sweak · 20/05/2021 21:27

I'm a sahm too. I loved it..until lockdown. You may find things getting better as things are reopening. I'm actually going back to work in a few months and it's really helped me mentally. I'm now enjoying this last bit of time at home not working.

If work is too difficult because of the travel, what about retraining for something? You say your husband isn't keen on you going back to work because of the travel...well won't the travel still be an issue when the kids start school? If so, maybe now's a good time to look ahead to other possibilities and do courses if necessary.

If you don't want to retrain and you want to work then please talk to your husband and really spell out that you need something for you.

Do you think work might help? Or do you think that will add another layer of pressure?

Are you getting enough sleep? Everything feels horrendous when we've not got enough. Do you get much rest at the weekend? A few hours on your own might do you the world of good.

BlackeyedSusan · 20/05/2021 21:29

if you are not enjoying it, then I hope you can find something to change the situation. If there are not enough rewards to compensate for the drudgery parts of child rearing then you really need something to change.

notanothertakeaway · 20/05/2021 21:32

@MissVanji

Covid has played its part in these feelings but also our family are s**t, so don't have anyone to rely on to watch DC to have a break.

Those who have felt this way, does it get easier as kids get older??

I'm not sure many people have family who provide childcare. Most people pay for it

Goldendinoroar · 20/05/2021 21:33

When I was on maternity leave I found it really hard with 2 under 3 but felt like I should have been enjoying it and not wanting to return to work

I’m back doing 3 days a week and it’s such a nice balance and I feel happier, more relaxed and a better parent for it

Original poster

MissVanji · 20/05/2021 21:33

My husband and I take it in turns to get up every other day (he is very good, and a very hands on dad).

The reason the travel is an issue is I'd be going from London to New York mainly and then sometimes to Singapore and Paris. Its a full on job that wouldn't work part time no travel. But with travel would leave no one to look after the kids, I had a good job which I loved and was well paid but my husband gets paid a lot more for less hours and it just makes sense.

We did discuss a nanny but I'm not sure how comfortable I feel about it (maybe because family are crap I'm not used to having anyone else look after my kids).

Thank you to everyone who told me it gets better eventually, I know my DC are at rough ages but it's good to have some hope.

Thanks guys

OP posts:

ALevelhelp · 20/05/2021 21:34

@Sunspill

Hi *@MissVanji* -go back to work.

Your husband gets to work - why shouldn't you? You’ll have to share the childcare in future. He can’t expect you to be miserable just because it’s more CONVENIENT for him not to have to look after his own children for some of the time...

Exactly, we chose for me to be a SAHM as we could afford it but also so that my DH could progress in his career without having to worry about us managing two jobs and school runs etc. I did get to the point though when I said I needed to get out and DH might have to start taking on some of the childcare duties...

Thatswatshesaid · 20/05/2021 21:34

Life is too short to be miserable. Take charge of your life and change the things that make you unhappy.

Original poster

MissVanji · 20/05/2021 21:35

But people have family who take kids for days out etc. I never said full on childcare.

OP posts:

myhobbyisouting · 20/05/2021 21:38

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Rainbowqueeen · 20/05/2021 21:39

@Candleabra is right. There are so many families where the dad works away and the mum is just supposed to put up with it
Will covid have changed your job do the overseas travel requirement is not the same?? I’d investigate that first.
Then come up with a plan.
Right now you need some alone time each week and DH needs to facilitate that.

Then you need to think about an earlier return to work and what that might look like. Same job, sideways move, retrain in something new, own business.

In your shoes I’d also find a reliable babysitter who you trust and have some couple time.
You deserve to be happy too

rosydreams · 20/05/2021 21:39

i ran,i took a week off best thing for my mental health.I went to a new york for a week by myself and left my other half with our daughter.Sometimes my other half hangs out with his mate for a few days and sometimes i take a day to myself or go away and sometimes we go away as a family.

jasmin93 · 20/05/2021 21:42

OP you are my twin!
Even though i only have 1 DS (2.5yrs & 5 days in nursery for 3h). I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and work as a cleaner in a restaurant while my DS attends nursery. I also work weekends, i take DS with me into restaurant and give him an ipad to sit still.
All i do is work and look after my son. There is no "me" time. I am slowly drowning and feeling more and more depressed.

THEREFORE i dont think working is the best and only option for you. If more childcare is available to you (as money is not your worry like you say) then use the free time for yourself - whatever that may be.
I hope you find a way to feel happy again xx

SpnBaby1967 · 20/05/2021 21:43

I've been there OP. I had 3 under 3 and was a SAHM. My DH has a very intensive job (emergency services) so was battling shift worker in that time too.

I knew I had to make time for me or I would lose it. When my youngest was around 18 months I started up martial arts again and it's been my sane and safe place ever since. Of course I couldn't always go if DH was on shift as I dont have family who can help either, but even if it was just a couple of hours of an evening twice a month it was damn worth it.

Now the kids are older, one is almost a teen 😳 so there is that flexibility and freedom creeping back in. DH worked his way up the ranks so doesnt shift work as often now. I opened my own martial arts club and now train 3 times a week. I also started back full time work which I'm loving!!

You really need to find something for you. A club you can go to of an evening, leaving the house and the husband and the kids behind and doing something just for you is vital.

I know MN is very much of the opinion that if you want to work you should be able to, but back in the real world we all know that isnt always doable (was 10 years before I got back to work) but that doesnt mean you shouldn't look into your options nor consider something else.

It's okay to put yourself first, give yourself permission to do so.

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2021 21:45

Op do you just want to vent? I don’t get the feeling you wish to go back to work anytime soon, and I’m not really sure you’re keen to change things up. It’s ok to just want to have a whinge. But folks will try to solve the problem for you.

partyatthepalace · 20/05/2021 21:45

Oh, you are in a tough stage, and anyway lots of people don’t really get on with (or for that matter totally hate) full time parenting.

Sounds like you had a very interesting job with nice perks and freedom and that makes housewifery harder too. If you can’t do that, what could you do? And you you get back to something PT soon? I know you said you’ll go back PT when the kids are in school but it sounds to me like you need more stimulation now.

pallisers · 20/05/2021 21:46

I went back to work because I knew I would go off my head if I was full-time at home. fair play to anyone who could do it. I was running back to work.

I admit travelling for work is hard when you have small children - both dh and I had international travel when they were small. we managed. or you could go into a different job/career etc. honestly staying home full time isn't for everyone so think about what set up would suit you best as well as suiting everyone else best.

Original poster

MissVanji · 20/05/2021 21:47

@SpnBaby1967

I've been there OP. I had 3 under 3 and was a SAHM. My DH has a very intensive job (emergency services) so was battling shift worker in that time too.

I knew I had to make time for me or I would lose it. When my youngest was around 18 months I started up martial arts again and it's been my sane and safe place ever since. Of course I couldn't always go if DH was on shift as I dont have family who can help either, but even if it was just a couple of hours of an evening twice a month it was damn worth it.

Now the kids are older, one is almost a teen 😳 so there is that flexibility and freedom creeping back in. DH worked his way up the ranks so doesnt shift work as often now. I opened my own martial arts club and now train 3 times a week. I also started back full time work which I'm loving!!

You really need to find something for you. A club you can go to of an evening, leaving the house and the husband and the kids behind and doing something just for you is vital.

I know MN is very much of the opinion that if you want to work you should be able to, but back in the real world we all know that isnt always doable (was 10 years before I got back to work) but that doesnt mean you shouldn't look into your options nor consider something else.

It's okay to put yourself first, give yourself permission to do so.

Thank you!!! I found this very encouraging.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 20/05/2021 21:47

Most people I know didn't have GP's doing childcare.
I didn't.
I paid for someone to come to the house when my first child was 4 months and would go down for his nap.
4 hours of me being able to jump in the car and do anything like a facial, massage, shopping, lunch, window shopping etc.

It definitely helped me stay contented.
I did this twice a week.

I think everyone needs a few hours to themselves regularly.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 20/05/2021 21:47

Don’t lean too far out of your career... it’s hard to get it back (bitter experience!)
That said I’ve been a long term SAHM and it gets better. Even fun...ish once they get bigger

RickiTarr · 20/05/2021 21:48

How about getting a PT nanny or mothers help for six months to ease yourself into the idea of childcare slowly? Assuming that you can afford that.

ncgy · 20/05/2021 21:50

Honestly don't beat yourself up, I used childcare to have a break & then went back to work p/t. Best thing for me

IsItAllOverYetPlease · 20/05/2021 21:50

eurgh I understand how you feel. I have a week left of my maternity leave. my baby is now 13 months old, just started nursery 2 days a week. I'm so exhausted, run down and I keep snapping at my husband. I decided I need a night away by myself so am checking in a hotel on Saturday for a night of pampering and sleep. can't wait. Obviously harder to do with 2 children but could you arrange a day that you spend completely alone doing what you want when you want?