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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm privileged but I hate my life!

182 replies

MissVanji · 20/05/2021 20:09

I'm a SAHM to 2 DC. I have a lovely DH who has a very good job so we are all well provided for and don't ask for much. I'm in my early 30s with 2 DC under 3 and to be honest I'm miserable.

Everyone thinks I have it all but I wake up every morning like its groundhog day, just another day to clean up everyone's crap and try be the perfect wife/mum when I just desperately want some freedom away from the 3 people I love the most.

They are suffocating me and I just want to RUN!!!!! I love them so much and feel like a shitty person because I know I'm lucky but I am just so desperately sad and feel like my life is ruined I'm struggling tbh.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 20/05/2021 20:56

@Xenia

I worked full time when our children were 3 of them under 3 and ultimately earned 10x my husband who also works full time. That is much more fun than minding children all day. Get out there and work full time and out earn the husband.
I started my OU degree when the children were small, it had the advantage that they saw Mummy as a person and were very proud to come to my graduation. What do people expect when they choose to have children?
converseandjeans · 20/05/2021 21:02

Yes it gets easier. It's easier once they're out of nappies and they can just have a snack out your bag. Also things like when they can feed themselves, and bath themselves.

I never had any help when mine were little except if I was at work, so not exactly a rest.

It will get easier when they can go to nursery & then start school. I think everyone must feel like this? It's no fun tidying round all the time & being woken up early!

daisychain01 · 20/05/2021 21:02

Micro-jobs = as rare as rocking horse manure.

Zzelda · 20/05/2021 21:05

I would like to go back to work part time when kids are both in full time school, my issue is my job is quite niche and requires a lot of overseas travel which DH isn't so keen on.

Can you move sideways and do something that requires less travel? Or even retrain to do something completely different? Or get a nanny so that everything is covered when you have to travel?

Orangesandlemons77 · 20/05/2021 21:05

As a first step you mention not having any support from family to mind the DC, what about getting someone from the nursery to babysit to give you a break?

It doesn't have to be work but some time for you is a must, especially with a 9 month old and an older children with special needs. That must be challenging.

Orangesandlemons77 · 20/05/2021 21:06

@daisychain01

Micro-jobs = as rare as rocking horse manure.
But some sort of small micro business could be possible perhaps? You do sometimes see jobs for just a few hours a week though.
MrsPerfect12 · 20/05/2021 21:06

Yes it gets easier. My youngest DC are 4 and 6 now and it's so much better. I managed to get them into a playgroup from 2 and it was bliss when I finally had two hours to myself twice a week. Even better now it's nursery for half day and school. I'm back at the gym and feeling so much better. Honestly I felt the same as you and it does get better. My youngest was a handful and loved and public temper tantrum 🤦🏻‍♀️ It was hard.

BobaCobb · 20/05/2021 21:07

It absolutely does get better and no amount of studying or working is going to change that, it just shifts the problem. If you want to work or study do that, but it doesn’t sound like you will have any support with this. You risk just adding to your burden by running round doing all the work wife in your evenings.
Your children are at the hardest stages and I know 6 months seems like a long time, but it will pass and things will get easier. In your position once they start school you will have time to yourself and be able to be there for your children. Working friends all say it is harder when they start school, the guilt of missing sports day, nativities etc then when they hit high school it is nice to be there when they get home to hear about their day. A luxury perhaps but a nice one.

OldWomanSaysThis · 20/05/2021 21:08

All the "privileged SAHMs" I've known have supplemental child care - a nanny, something, regularly. The SAHMs are not working either. They just have paid professional help.

AZisgreat · 20/05/2021 21:09

You need some 'me time'. Do you get at least one lie-in at weekends - with your husband getting up with the kids? Does he share the care/housework when he is home/at weekends?
I can remember when going to the supermarket ALONE - the kids left at home with my DH was a weekly treat lol.

AZisgreat · 20/05/2021 21:09

Could you get a cleaner, so at least that is one thing less for you to worry about?

ArabellaScott · 20/05/2021 21:10

It gets easier, it gets easier. Yes. Absolutely.

That said, I've not hit teens yet, I hear that can be quite a challenge. Grin

But yes, especially once all kids are in school - life changes again, things start to shift back twoards you having a life that looks more like the one you imagine.

Under 3 is bloody hard work, hardest work I've ever done. You're doing great, OP. Hang on in there.

FATEdestiny · 20/05/2021 21:10

our family are st, so don't have anyone to rely on to watch DC to have a break.

Your husband?

You can literally run, if you like. I taught myself to become a long distance runner (starting with Couch to 5K) while a stay at home mum to preschoolers. Runs in the evenings and weekends. Fantastic me-time and great for meditation and wellbeing.

ArabellaScott · 20/05/2021 21:10

@AZisgreat

You need some 'me time'. Do you get at least one lie-in at weekends - with your husband getting up with the kids? Does he share the care/housework when he is home/at weekends? I can remember when going to the supermarket ALONE - the kids left at home with my DH was a weekly treat lol.
God yes, still a treat.
ArabellaScott · 20/05/2021 21:11

Also, sorry, practical suggestions:

Childminder. Kid-swap with another parent.

Bobbiebigbum · 20/05/2021 21:13

You said you want to Run. Can you take up some form of literal running. I know it helps me!

MarshaBradyo · 20/05/2021 21:14

Why don’t you throw some money at it

  • cleaner
  • childcare help

Or go back to work.
Don’t just struggle through

Phrowzunn · 20/05/2021 21:14

Hi OP - I’m same age and same situation as you (although DC are slightly older than yours now, but neither go to nursery). Some days are hard but I think if you feel this bad every day you could be depressed. Yes it’s hard in parts but it should also be great! The best thing in my experience is to really lean into it, totally get involved in everything they’re doing. I know it’s the last thing you feel like doing but if you sit and wish the time away, look at your phone, sit them in front of the tv, it just makes you feel way worse. Get super involved in games, put on loud music and dance around the room, learn all the words to their awful favourite songs and sing along, read stories with all the character voices, colour in with them - colour your own picture as well, build lego, playdoh, wipe-clean activities, make a band (baby can have a rattle), do a Joe Wicks, go for a walk in the woods. It IS hard, but like with a lot of things, the more you do, the more you feel like doing. If you start to check out, it’s a slippery slope down into hating every day and feeling depressed. I hope you can find happiness again soon OP, it goes so fast!

pollylocketpickedapocket · 20/05/2021 21:15

@AmandaHoldensLips

You're not alone. I bloody hated it and wouldn't wish motherhood on my worst enemy. It's an endless hamster wheel of thankless groundhog-day drudge.
Speak for yourself.
Firsttimecatlady · 20/05/2021 21:15

I think part of the problem is in you believe that you’re privileged or ‘so lucky’, when it doesn’t sound like this life is the right balance for you. It’s society’s idea of what women should feel grateful for- but it doesn’t fit all of us. I have several friends who say the same- “they know they’re incredibly lucky to be a SAHM, but they’re miserable...”
That’s not lucky, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to think that it is. Lucky is having a balance in life where you’re happy, and fulfilled in all areas. ‘Privileged’ or ‘lucky’ may be, for you, having a job you love that you can balance with your family. Please don’t feel the pressure to be grateful for something that society tells you that you should want, if it’s not right for you.

Good luck OP!

Dixiechickonhols · 20/05/2021 21:16

If you want to work - work op. Even if you just cover childcare it’s your sanity, building a career and pension. Are you keen on travel? They have 2 parents. If he job required travel no doubt you’d facilitate.
Often staff at nursery will babysit out of hours too.

lilyfire · 20/05/2021 21:16

@CursedEngagement - that’s really interesting. I worked one day a week for four years when my kids were little. It was quite challenging and interesting work but didn’t spill over to the other days hardly at all. Was definitely the happiest I have been work/life balance wise.

Idontknowanymore05 · 20/05/2021 21:18

I was the same. 2 under 2 though (a year apart) I was still working but evenings. Everyday I would wake up dreading the day ahead. Some days I would wish I wouldn't wake. My children are 4 and 5 now. In September they'll both be at school full time. Then its my time.
Guess what I'm trying to say is, it gets easier. It is harder when they're so young and are completely dependent on you.

LittleBearPad · 20/05/2021 21:22

Can your job adjust to no or less overseas travel?

What does your DH do with the children?

Candleabra · 20/05/2021 21:23

Please don't fall into the trap of putting yourself last in the family. You're a mum now. But your husband is a dad. Had he given up as much as you have?
This is your life too. You're not just a supporting act to your children - or worse - husband.
Why shouldn't you take a job that involves some overseas travel. Why should your husband get to be 'not keen'. Don't give up everything of you, so he gets an easy life. Work it out together, as a team.