I know I'm privileged but I hate my life!

[MissVanji]

I'm a SAHM to 2 DC. I have a lovely DH who has a very good job so we are all well provided for and don't ask for much. I'm in my early 30s with 2 DC under 3 and to be honest I'm miserable.

Everyone thinks I have it all but I wake up every morning like its groundhog day, just another day to clean up everyone's crap and try be the perfect wife/mum when I just desperately want some freedom away from the 3 people I love the most.

They are suffocating me and I just want to RUN!!!!! I love them so much and feel like a shitty person because I know I'm lucky but I am just so desperately sad and feel like my life is ruined I'm struggling tbh.

Micro-jobs = as rare as rocking horse manure.

I got one of these after dc1. 2 days a week, 6 hours a day. It really helped me feel like me again. Pay was shit though.

OP I felt the same about working, was a sahm I can't explain the awful gut wrenching feeling.

You aren't happy and everyone deserves some happiness and a break from family responsibilities.
I say go back to work and your dh will just have to become keen on the idea. You aren't just a mum and wife. x

When I was on mat leave with dc2 we paid for childcare for older one. Could you increase that?

Op it does get easier as they get older in answer to your question, when they start school and get a bit more independence. I have 3 and youngest is now in year 2. Also don't have family that help and those early days are so so hard. If you can afford it I'd look at placing dc2 with a child minder a couple days a week and extending dc1's days at nursery, I did that even before i went back to work for my own sanity, I knew I couldn't face the endless days and weeks at home again without some support.

My mum was a SAHM but we had a nanny & my mum did lots of courses eg upholstery, plumbing etc Would that be something you could do if work wasn't an option?

Just because it is possible financially for you to be a SAHM, it doesn’t mean you have to be one. It really isn’t for everyone. Start looking at options for you.

Bloody hell! Poor thing. Seriously, get a part tome nanny, and use the extra time to make friends, so a class, pursue a passion, do charity work or even better, actual work work.

You’ll find yourself relishing family life so much more.

The fewer days with my children, the more I enjoy them! (Up to a point, anyway!)

It’s hard work and I think just admitting that it’s not as you thought is half the battle , as is knowing that it’s ok to feel that and know that most feel that way at some point during those early days. But, it goes so quickly. As a mother of older teenagers, I look back on those times as the best, but I just didn’t realise it at the time. I hope you feel better with a few changes. That last year has made it tougher all round.

I have 1, SAHM in a country with limited childcare options due to ongoing covid restrictions it’s hard, small children are hard work.

Honestly if you have the disposable income, throw money at the problem now. Buy in more help with whatever you need, whether its mothers help, cleaner etc. As soon as stuff starts opening up my little one is starting nursery and I’m going to stare at the wall for a week.

Think about whether its worth looking at alternative career options. But yes i think a lot of us have dreamt at some point of doing a runner.

I can totally understand why you feel that way. I would feel the same if I was a SAHM, its not for everyone.

I would get back to work, full time, ASAP.

You're in the fortunate position of being able to afford a nanny - given what you've said about your careers.

That's what I did once DD was 6 months and I would do it again in an instant.

You need your own life, and also to not make yourself entirely dependent on someone else, which is potentially very damaging.

Looking after small children imo is incredibly dull, especially if you've been used to spending your days doing work that is stimulating with other adults to engage with. It's also the complete lack of autonomy, when your day is shaped round the needs and wishes of others that can feel so restrictive and stifling.
To answer your question, yes, the older they get the easier it is, as you win back your freedom year by year. In the meantime, you just need to keep plodding on. Try to fill your days with activities that you find tolerable, if not enjoyable (for me it was lots of days out and meeting friends in a similar situation) The time flies by, and the hardest part will be over before you know it.

I felt exactly like this for many years. On paper, everything was wonderful but in reality, I was so bloody BORED! I felt guilty just acknowledging that in my nice house with my healthy kids and my decent (back in the day) husband. We've just split up and, even though financially I'm fucked and I HATE not having the kids with me all the time, I feel free and so blissfully happy!!! It's crazy to hear as, in many people's eyes, I'm worse off, but mentally, I'm soaring!

Also you don’t have to actually leave the baby, you could have someone come for a few hours and you can go do whatever it is that you like to do in the house, go have a bath/yoga/ read books etc. Then you can nip in to check on baby etc. My DH suggested this for me, unfortunately covid killed that plan 🙄.

You need an au pair OP. My parents had no help with childcare from family and we always had au pairs, it made it easy for me to have au pairs with my kids, as it had been such a positive experience for me as a kid.

I’m not getting the can’t leave a child with a nanny thing given he’s at nursery 3 x a week.

You poor thing. Looking after small children on your own is sheer torture. In times gone by it would have been a rare event for one woman to be alone with small kids day after day, because everyone knew it was barely possible emotionally and psychologically. I have only one DC, now grown, much wanted and loved, and I remember tears of boredom running down my cheeks as I read yet another fucking storey. It will definitely get better as they get older, but it is a deeply unfair situation you find yourself in, exacerbated of course by this bloody plague.

And definitely a cleaner.

What about volunteering? Please don't get to 47 like me with children gone and no actual job to get me out of the house, as DH earns more than enough and thinks we're fine as we are! I have a small eBay business so I do have money for myself, but yes, definitely Groundhog Day.

I felt the exact same at that age group. The thing is-you are in groundhog day!! I adored every second with them and simultaneously knew I wasn't myself. I missed going out to work, and I let myself slide in terms of showers, exercise etc. The kids starting school, me beginning to look after myself my going for walks, starting hobbies, watching tv I really wanted to watch and reading books I wanted to read, talking to people, having a laugh ... it all helped. Best of luck op

@Xenia and ultimately earned 10x my husband who also works full time. That is much more fun than minding children all day. you have written some distasteful posts over the years but this one tops it. Earning 10x the income of your dh is “more fun” than “minding children” . They were your own children!

Book an appointment with your GP: no amount of privilege can overcome depression.

I'd bet my house that getting a job would be of more benefit than the GP. I've been a SAHM - it was grim! I didn't have much choice in my circumstances due to living in a rural location and a workaholic husband. I studied. Finished a masters, went on to a PhD and having something just for me made a huge difference.

OP, it gets easier (excluding SN or illness). So have hope! Caring for small children is rotten and boring at times - if it was so great then more men would do it.

But if you are going to want to work eventually then I'd suggest planning to go back in some capacity sooner rather than later. Perhaps you could plan to go back to work in a slightly different role when your youngest is say 2 or 3? If you can find a similar (not identical) job with more limited travel and slightly part time/flexible hours (which you may find easier post covid as the whole world of work looks a bit different now) then you and DH should be able to make your work "work" with a combination of factors/approaches.

Sometimes it helped me to think about how we could structure things when I went back to work.

If that might help you , then the following is a suggestion (only) of how you could structure things. It assumes your DH continues in full time work.

• you work 4 days per week say Mon, Wed, Thurs, Fri - two long days and two shorter with early starts eg from 7 am to 1.30 pm
• children in nursery/daycare 5 days. They are in for just a few hours on your day off (to hold the place for when you are travelling and to give you say 3 hours alone for sanity), then on 3 days you pick up early at say 2.30 pm. Then there is just 1 long day per week. I found daycare very good for learning to share/eating a variety of food/having a settled routine;
• DH does drop offs before work and also does pick up and dinner/bath two days a week when you work longer days. When you travel he picks up every day. Frankly, it matters little if he "wouldn't like it". You both will have to compromise.
• And/or an au pair or nanny to take some of the pressure off if that works for you.
• Both of you do chores/grocery shop/batch cook on weekends.

It gets easier once both children are in school - but in my view it's usually better to go back to some sort of work before then - 6 or 8 years out of the workforce is often too long.

We used a combination of part time work, flexible work (compressed weeks/early starts/late finishes - for both of us), daycare, nannies and au pairs from when our children were 1. It worked for us and meant I could maintain a career - and my income increased a lot from the age of about 35 to 40 so it was worth it eventually even if the early years were hard/not very financially profitable.

Also, my marriage (like many) has gone through a couple of seriously rough patches recently and having my own income makes a huge difference when considering my options for separation (we haven't separated, it just means I have more freedom/options).

I’ve been in your boat, it’s not easy especially when everyone thinks you’re in such a lucky position. But there are worse problems to have (as I was constantly reminded).

If you feel like this now, it will probably get worse if you don’t have something that makes you feel valuable. You’ve got the time and money to think about what you really want to do, so work towards it and make it happen. You won’t regret it.