I know I'm privileged but I hate my life!

[MissVanji]

I'm a SAHM to 2 DC. I have a lovely DH who has a very good job so we are all well provided for and don't ask for much. I'm in my early 30s with 2 DC under 3 and to be honest I'm miserable.

Everyone thinks I have it all but I wake up every morning like its groundhog day, just another day to clean up everyone's crap and try be the perfect wife/mum when I just desperately want some freedom away from the 3 people I love the most.

They are suffocating me and I just want to RUN!!!!! I love them so much and feel like a shitty person because I know I'm lucky but I am just so desperately sad and feel like my life is ruined I'm struggling tbh.

Hi I think being a sahp to little ones is hard at the moment as most toddler groups haven't started and over a year trapped in the house with little people has been hard. Don't underestimate how hard this last year has been and how well you have done to cope. Usually with little ones days would be filled with groups and other parents to chat to, but without getting out and about being a sahp has been very isolating, however hopefully things will improve as restrictions lift. It will get better once the eldest starts school and you only have 1 at home. Your 3 year old is entitled to 15 hours at nursery the term after their 3rd birthday perhaps pay for the youngest in childcare at the same time for a couple of hours so you get some time to yourself. Try and look for groups or activities starting up in your area and plan your week so each day is different. Remember this last few years when you have been a mum we have faced lockdowns and uncertainties which have limited what you can do as a parent. My middle child is 6 and youngest 2. When my 6 year old was a toddler we had a fab time going out and about and were rarely home. My experience with my 2 year old is completely different as we have rarely left the house and I have found it very hard. Things will get better, groups will start, your 2 will start playing together, and before you know it they will be at school.

@Checkingout811

The ones who find being a SAHM so bad, why did you do it? I love my life, it I didn’t I would change it. Surely that’s the sensible thing to do? I find it so sad that people feel that way about being a SAHM, but I would feel the same about working full time, so I don’t do it

Well obviously she didnt realise that she would hate it so much As for being "sad" Everyone is different. Why on earth would you be sad or do you automatically think that non sahm = neglect? Honestly all this being priviledged to not be able to work, what a crock women are being sold. Yeah great priviledge to give up a job you love to stay at home and be everyones skivvy!

As a SAHM I resent being referred to as a skivvy. I do carry the burden of housework, cooking etc but I wouldn’t be doing anyone any favours if I ran around after them. My family know clothes are not washed unless in the basket and they clear the table, load the dishwasher and know not to leave things scattered around. I don’t want my future daughter in law to be posting on here about her useless husband.

@Checkingout811

The ones who find being a SAHM so bad, why did you do it? I love my life, it I didn’t I would change it. Surely that’s the sensible thing to do? I find it so sad that people feel that way about being a SAHM, but I would feel the same about working full time, so I don’t do it

A lot of women do it and suffer through it, because of the false narrative that it's best for children. When of course in reality there are pros and cons for children both in having a SAHM and in having one who works.

@Templetreebreeze you’ve illustrated my point. Once she knew she hated it, why not change. That’s the point I’m making.
Sad because women have a choice! None of us should hate our life’s, we should do what makes us happy.
I’m not sure where you’ve got neglect from? Yours is the only post I can see that.

I’d be more of a skivvy being an employee, trust me. I certainly am privileged to have a fantastic life with the freedom to spend my time the way I wish.
One of my children is disabled, I am certainly not a skivvy for taking him to appointments and caring for him. I’m his mother.
What a ridiculous post.

Same here. Stopped working and simultaneously moved to a new area when I was heavily pregnant with my 2 year old. Now also have a 10 month old and Groundhog Day is precisely how I’d describe my life. DH asks how my day was and I just say ‘exactly the same as every other day’ because it’s rare anything is different. Covid has made things worse because groups aren’t running, things are slowly reopening but with major limits on numbers and in turn usually long waiting lists. Also always seems to be raining which makes things even worse.

Sorry for the ramble, just wanted you to know you definitely aren’t alone.

@Candleabra

This happens to many families when they have kids. So few of my friends kept their great jobs. They all became SAHM, went part time etc. Fast forward 20 years they are stuck.

Husband (often less competent) has the big job now, facilitated by the wife. Yet doesn't realise it or appreciate it! Thinks it is all down to his hard work.
Now divorces are happening as heads are being turned by younger, more exciting women. Oh the irony that that the wife they encouraged to give up work to make life easier is now deemed boring, and a drain on the family as she doesn't earn a lot.

Or men have affairs because they aren't even considered after the womans work and the children. He goes for excitement something he doesn't get from his wife who is always too tired for their relationship. I think this happens just as often if not more.

I completely understand how you feel. I felt exactly the same 2 years ago.
I was diagnosed with PND but I actually think I was bored, unfulfilled and frustrated.

I took anti anxiety meds for 8 months and felt numb. They didn't help.

I came off them, put both children in nursery a couple of days a week and I now work one day a week and do something gif me on the other free day.

You need a challenge I think.

Men have affairs because they are tossers not because a woman works or stays at home.

I'm home with 2 under 3 op, and while I love it, lockdown and the weather this year have made it all a much bigger chore than it needs to be. I am lucky that DP wfh and is pretty hands on. He sees how much hard work it is entertaining the DC and frankly would rather pull his weight with the housework, which does help. Even when he doesn't, he'll organise food, do bedtimes or baths, get down on the floor with them when he has lunch so I can escape for an hour here or there. If he wasn't here and like that, it'd be a big nope and back to work for me!

[quote Checkingout811]@Templetreebreeze you’ve illustrated my point. Once she knew she hated it, why not change. That’s the point I’m making.
Sad because women have a choice! None of us should hate our life’s, we should do what makes us happy.
I’m not sure where you’ve got neglect from? Yours is the only post I can see that.

I’d be more of a skivvy being an employee, trust me. I certainly am privileged to have a fantastic life with the freedom to spend my time the way I wish.
One of my children is disabled, I am certainly not a skivvy for taking him to appointments and caring for him. I’m his mother.
What a ridiculous post.[/quote]
Touched a nerve obviously 🤣

men have affairs because they aren't even considered after the womans work and the children
He goes for excitement something he doesn't get from his wife who is always too tired for their relationship.
I think this happens just as often if not more
These type of skanky men will have affairs whatever their wife does.
Good riddance really.
What type of man would go and shag someone else rather than roll up his sleeves and do his share?
Not the type of man I would want to be married to.

@LemonPooFertalizer

As a SAHM I resent being referred to as a skivvy. I do carry the burden of housework, cooking etc but I wouldn’t be doing anyone any favours if I ran around after them. My family know clothes are not washed unless in the basket and they clear the table, load the dishwasher and know not to leave things scattered around. I don’t want my future daughter in law to be posting on here about her useless husband.

I think it's the narrow minded see completing some housework as being a skivvy. If I have to work for an employer I feel a skivvy, doing something to line some fat cats wallet, no thanks. Being able to live your life as you please, knowing that your dc aren't growing up to be useless, is time well spent. I spent a lot of time when I could have been working teaching my kids how to look after themselves and others. We spent hours learning about finance. Now as adults with two happy dil's i can see it was time well spent.

@Templetreebreeze

men have affairs because they aren't even considered after the womans work and the children *He goes for excitement something he doesn't get from his wife who is always too tired for their relationship. I think this happens just as often if not more* These type of skanky men will have affairs whatever their wife does. Good riddance really. What type of man would go and shag someone else rather than roll up his sleeves and do his share? Not the type of man I would want to be married to.

Of course but this applies whether the wife works or not. This was a response to the pp who said men married to sahm get bored because they don't contribute, etc. I wouldn't want to have been with a man like this.

The Op described herself as at everyones beck and call, "clearing up everyones crap"
Thats what is being referred to.

but this applies whether the wife works or not. This was a response to the pp who said men married to sahm get bored because they don't contribute, etc.
I wouldn't want to have been with a man like this
So it makes no difference of the wife WOH/SAH
Men who are unfaithful dont do it because of their wives working status!

I don’t think you’re particularly privileged—yes obviously in a good financial situation, but if I had your life they would have to put me in a psych ward. Not everyone is made to be a slave to children.

Your post resonated with me a lot op. Currently pre-schooler at home. I feel like I shouldn't feel bored etc. but if I'm honest, I do. I have a larger age gap between dcs (x3) so I think it has been compounded in a way because there has been a start/stop effect with work. Having no extended family was the icing on the cake for me and I made the decision to stop working as I couldn't get flexible hours (and husband had the 'big job').

I have come to realise that I feel bored and restless yet I also consider this as posted by checkingout.

I’d be more of a skivvy being an employee, trust me. I certainly am privileged to have a fantastic life with the freedom to spend my time the way I wish.

For the number of hours I want to work (approx 10), it would likely be work at minimum wage. I've never had a career and now it's almost like I don't want to commit to anything. Considering starting a small on-line business and volunteering, joining an interest group to socialise and trying to get fitter. I have anxiety thrown into the mix so first point of call is therapy. Late forties and there is also the effects of perimenopause in my case which is also making me feel de-motivated and wishing I could justify retirement. I honestly don't know what's best and with the help of therapy, I guess it is going to be a case of trial and error.

I feel your pain. I had two 18mths apart, no additional needs thankfully. But it is hard, its drudgery. The older one wants to play when the baby needs to be fed changed etc. I had no help due to distance of family.

I went to college and studied for 3 years at weekend. DH got to look after the DDs those weekends and I got headspace.

I was looking at all the home movies last year (mine are now 11 and 13) and I wish I had had more patience, maybe just sat down and played with them more as another poster said. I know housework and dinners also need to happen. Batch cook, get a cleaner.

They are so small and funny for such a short time. Now they just want me to drop them places.

It definitely gets so much better when they are both in school.

Being at home during lockdown with a DH and 2dds has nearly been the end of me. I'm sick to death of the lot of them. My heart goes out to parents of toddlers and babies who are missing out on so many headspace outlets, playgroups, playgrounds, playcentres.

Good luck you'll get through this.

@Templetreebreeze “ Honestly all this being priviledged to not be able to work, what a crock women are being sold.
Yeah great priviledge to give up a job you love to stay at home and be everyones skivvy!”

You sound like you are generalising about women who don’t work out of the home. Obviously this OP with two small children will be cleaned up shit, literally until her children are toilet trained.

Just to add, not long ago I walked around the village where I live without a child/pushchair (which was a novelty as a sahm). Somebody said "I didn't recognise you without your pushchair/children!" I'm trying to work on my identity...I've lost that or perhaps never knew what I really wanted over the years. It seems like there is a big contrast between the work you used to do and your current life situation and it is unsurprising that you are feeling the effects of this change.

[quote LemonPooFertalizer]@Templetreebreeze “ Honestly all this being priviledged to not be able to work, what a crock women are being sold.
Yeah great priviledge to give up a job you love to stay at home and be everyones skivvy!”

You sound like you are generalising about women who don’t work out of the home. Obviously this OP with two small children will be cleaned up shit, literally until her children are toilet trained.[/quote]
I was replying to the OP yes.
She describes her life like that but so do many women.
Its sold to them as being great but the reality is different.
Ultimately is a way for men to avoid CC and housework whilst climbing the career ladder.

@magenta4634737 I hope the therapy helps you.
I think the volunteering would do you go. I volunteer once a week at the children’s hospital and also do voluntary breastfeeding support calls from home.
I hope you find something you enjoy. It makes a huge difference having something for yourself.

Can u set up a home business? Work from home temping or whatever is related to your previous job? Definitely make a plan for you and that in itself will help you feel more in control and less like you're everyone's dogsbody.

I bet they don't see you like that tho, when they're so little, it's a really lovely thing to have the time with them if only so you don't have mum guilt etc but it is bloody hard work, so don't kid yourself and say it's supposed to be easy. It isn't!

Use the time when your son is at nursery to make your plan and research where you could start small and build up to something when they reach school age good luck! It does pass

That's good to hear checkingout. Sometimes in my working life, I've felt like a paid robot and largely under-appreciated (barring pay) with office politics to boot. I think that is why I feel so reticent in committing myself (when technically, I no longer have to but feel the need to do something and have some form of social interaction - more on my terms I suppose).

Hope you're doing okay Op, and are working out a way forward.