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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not lend her my stuff?

347 replies

TentTalk · 20/05/2021 11:24

TLDR: DH and I are avid campers and bought a new (expensive) tent in the 2019 black Friday sales, we've used it twice and now friend who has never camped before wants to borrow it. We said no and 'friend' has called us selfish and says we've ruined her and her kids holiday. AIBU?

As above, DH and I are keen campers and have camped for many years, back packing in the UK and across Europe. With the arrival of DC2 we bought a new large family tent for more comfort. It's great but it was really expensive, but we feel its an investment and we will treat it well. We bought it in November 2019, ready for the 202 season (hah!) we managed to use it twice last year and have 3 trips booked this year (all UK). A friend recently said she would like to try camping, I suggested she book one of the times we are going, so we could share some o the equipment like the stove and stuff, rather than her forking out for all new kit when she may not like it, or that she goes to one of the 'glamping' sites where it is all set up for you. She then said she had already booked a week and had hoped to borrow all our stuff. She was quite shocked when I refused and became quite nasty saying we were ruining her holiday and that we were selfish. I said I don't mind lending her the kids sims and sleeping bags and the camp stove but the other stuff, especially the tent is just too much.

My concerns are that it will get damaged, either by wind or misuse (fire too close, kids not being careful, someone getting drunk and stumbling over it etc). We do have insurance, but it is only valid when we use it, not if we loan it out. The other issue is that the time they are going away is the week before we do, so if it does get damaged I won't have time to test it all out or erect the tent, or replace the stuff if it is damaged. Friend is not always the most considerate person.

AIBU?

If it's relevant, we have over £2k of camping equipment and the tent was about £750.

OP posts:
UpTheJunktion · 22/05/2021 10:24

A sad story from the camping board:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/camping/a3811774-mildew-on-my-bell-tent?msgid=93663909#prettyPhoto

osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/05/2021 10:37

Poor bell tent. God, some people are cunts! Imagine doing to that to a friend's property. But again, a mate of ours is in a hired motorhome this weekend. Over £100/night (it's for 4), supplemental insurance required and a £1000 deposit.

People who want to borrow stuff like this are just cheap and as a result are CFers.

stressbandit · 22/05/2021 10:40

Nooo you aren't selfish!!! This reminds me when I was younger my mum booked to take us too butlins for the week.
This lady who was friends with my mum said her kids would love to go and how amazing that it is that she's going.

Literally the night before she rocks up and says "oh you couldn't take mine with you please? They'd love to go but I'm too busy to take them". My mum said no and the lady went on a massive rant and called my mum a selfish bastard for letting her kids down!!!.

Boxerbinky · 22/05/2021 10:41

My sister camps.. they, like you have upgraded the tent and equipment they have over the years and I know there kit is worth a lot. I would not dream of asking to lend it even though DH and I are considering trying camping now our DS is 4. I'm sure they will lend us bits like the stove etc.. but we will be going somewhere let a pod first to see if we like it. Very entitled!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/05/2021 10:49

@stressbandit

Nooo you aren't selfish!!! This reminds me when I was younger my mum booked to take us too butlins for the week. This lady who was friends with my mum said her kids would love to go and how amazing that it is that she's going.

Literally the night before she rocks up and says "oh you couldn't take mine with you please? They'd love to go but I'm too busy to take them". My mum said no and the lady went on a massive rant and called my mum a selfish bastard for letting her kids down!!!.

Fucking hell. Hope that was the last time your mum talked to her.
UpTheJunktion · 22/05/2021 10:53

I would never have a holiday property to let out.

Once shared a cottage with friends. There was a beautiful wool blanket on the sofa, clearly an ‘indoor throw’ of high quality. Friends took it out to use as a picnic blanket and after returning with it covers in sand, mud, pie crumbs and burrs, they gave it a quick shake and put it back in the sofa.

My Mum lives coastal. She let extended family use her house while she was away. They lit loads of candles (which they brought, my Mum does not have candles around the house) and left huge wax drips all down the wooden mantelpiece and hearth, and soot marks up the wall. Also borrowed her bike from the shed, tried to ride it in sand and shingle and got sand all over the chain, in the gears etc and left it filthy.

stressbandit · 22/05/2021 11:17

@osbertthesyrianhamster It was this was the final straw because she came on a day out with us and one of her kids had the runs really bad it was everywhere and she said to my mum "be a pet and clear her up for me please, i have just done my nails" 😂

osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/05/2021 11:18

[quote stressbandit]@osbertthesyrianhamster It was this was the final straw because she came on a day out with us and one of her kids had the runs really bad it was everywhere and she said to my mum "be a pet and clear her up for me please, i have just done my nails" 😂 [/quote]
I'd have left her there. But then, I have resting bitch face.

tenlittlecygnets · 22/05/2021 11:38

She is aCF and massively entitled. It's your equipment. She was bonkers to book a holiday presuming that you would let her borrow all your new stuff.

twoshedsjackson · 22/05/2021 11:49

I am cautious about lending things (like many people on this post, I've learned the hard way!) but one CF took me aback. When I first got my house, it was a real "doer-upper" and I was doing it myself, so buying my own hot air paint-stripper was more economical than hiring. Friends would often have a look around the house when visiting, and encourage progress. One friend's DH was very impressed with the paint stripper and asked if he could borrow it. I agreed (as I trusted my friend to follow up firmly about returning!), telling him that, In about three weeks (next school holiday), I'd be using it myself.
When I asked for it back, he was most put out, as he had not actually got around to using it yet, and I got the distinct impression that he thought I was being an old meanie.........I think his DW had words behind the scenes about Getting Round To Things! He did return it, to be fair, but rather more like a sulky toddler than a grown man.
If he had hired it from Homebase or the like, he would have had to pay a daily fee for hire, which I think might have concentrated his mind somewhat. Sadly, some people see a free loan as meaning that the object has no value.

Latkes · 22/05/2021 11:52

You are definitely not being selfish. Honestly what makes a person feel so entitled they just assume they can use anything they want that belongs to someone else?,
Imagine if we all did that.
‘I love your brand new Range Rover. I’ve booked a few days away so I’ll be taking your car.’
Whaaat?,! I can’t borrow it?,!
lol Your friends not living in the real world.

billy1966 · 22/05/2021 11:59

People who refuse to accept the boundaries of others often tantrum when they are firmly enforced.

DeeleysMum · 22/05/2021 12:35

Time to 'unfriend' her me thinks! Selfish and entitled, pretty sure no-one needs fronds like this in their lives. x

JanuaryJonez · 22/05/2021 13:02

Your friend sounds monstrously self-absorbed and unself-aware!!

Can someone link to the BBQ thread - it sounds hilarious!

bemusedmoose · 22/05/2021 15:05

She is the selfish one - she booked a holiday assuming you would hand over your stuff without even asking! Extremely rude, entitled and selfish. Now she wants to blame you for ruining it when it's actually all her fault.

Dont lend her anything.

josbd · 22/05/2021 16:01

I had a brand new tent ruined by a friend. They didn't even bother to return my new rucksack.

I haven't spoken to them since. That was 30 years ago!!

OP: This woman is simply not a good friend.

JFD0201 · 22/05/2021 17:07

To be honest, who needs enemies when you have friends like this. I'd bin her straight away as this none other than an abusive relationship

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 22/05/2021 17:41

For a Christmas gift one year my Mum asked me for a very specific type of bag for sailing holidays, it needed to have wheels because she can't carry anything heavy for long, bright/distinctive so she could see it on the baggage belt, squashy/collapsable and it had to be within particular dimensions. I found the perfect one and she was thrilled with it.

While she was on a sailing holiday one of her friends said "Oh, that's the perfect bag for sailing, I can use it when I go to X next month." Mum felt backed into a corner and agreed.

The friend used it and then kept it for a second trip. Hmm Of course the woman managed to damage the wheel axle and of course she implied that Mum had loaned her shoddy equipment.

Poor Mum was telling me about this and was a bit pissed off but too nice to be pissed off at the friend. So, because I'm a total bitch, I gave her handy hints on backing the friend into a corner by text. Grin So we started off with "Oh dear, that was a Christmas present from my daughter, she spent ages searching for just the perfect one and it suited me so well. I'd only managed to get one trip out of that." And them moved on to "Would you prefer my daughter to send you a link for the replacement or will I just tell you the cost and get my daughter to order it for you." Because everyone was trying to keep a veneer of politeness the friend couldn't say that she was refusing to replace it, even though it was clear as day that she was never going to offer to replace it. So Mum got a replacement bag. It wasn't shoddy, Mum has used it for several trips since and it's perfectly sturdy with normal, non-cf, usage.

Mum was then worried that the friend would insist on borrowing it again, but I told her not to worry because once you make that sort of person pay up for their damage they rarely ask again. But I said that if she does ask Mum should say that it didn't work out too well last time but here's a link for her to buy her own.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/05/2021 17:58

@JanuaryJonez

Your friend sounds monstrously self-absorbed and unself-aware!!

Can someone link to the BBQ thread - it sounds hilarious!

Oh, that one was fab! The 'host' invited them, then wanted them to bring their top of the range BBQ, which needed to have the seats folded down to transport so they could not fit their kids in and would need to make the two trips to deliver the BBQ, a half hour, then two more to come back with the kids. Then they had a time slot! The hosts were expecting more guests in the evening and were told the OP and family had to fuck off and then come back later to pick it up.

Of course, they had form for it and has 'borrowed' and not returned a number of things from and to the OP.

Again, a mate is in a hired motorhome. £1000 deposit, proof of supplemental insurance to cover a driver driving a motorhome and extra cleaning fee. And of course it needs to be returned with a full tank.

Devora13 · 22/05/2021 18:08

She can hire equipment.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/05/2021 18:23

@Devora13

She can hire equipment.
Of course she can, but they'll charge and also make her sign a contract and pay a deposit for damage and CFers think the world owes them a living.
ellyeth · 22/05/2021 18:40

The least she could have done was to ask you first - but even that I think is cheeky. It is not fair to put a friend in such an awkward position.

I don't blame you for saying no. She's obviously not much of a friend.

VeganCheesePlease · 22/05/2021 19:05

I'd tell her because she was so bloody rude you won't be lending her any of your stuff!!

UpTheJunktion · 22/05/2021 20:11

[quote stressbandit]@osbertthesyrianhamster It was this was the final straw because she came on a day out with us and one of her kids had the runs really bad it was everywhere and she said to my mum "be a pet and clear her up for me please, i have just done my nails" 😂 [/quote]
Shock🤣Shock🤣

You should send that to the writers of Shameless in case they ever do another series.

BashfulClam · 22/05/2021 21:52

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar this is similar to something that happened with mil. We bought two matching wheelie cases for going away (perfect fir Ryanair dimensions etc). Everything mil gies on holiday she asks to borrow a case rather than actually get hers from the loft. Last time she borrowed one we says ‘oh keep it for now and we’ll get it from you when we need it!’ all good then she fucking gave it away!!!! She was in the hairdresser and a young guy was getting his hair cut and says he didn’t have a case for holiday yet and he was going off that night. A stranger and she just handed him a brand new £70 hard case that had been used twice!!!! Next time she went away she called to ask for the 2nd case I said no chance. It makes me spitting mad every time I see the second case!