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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

813 replies

Milkminder · 19/05/2021 20:14

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Milkminder · 19/05/2021 20:59

DH is part of my problem but I’ve tried before to get him to change and he does for about one week and then it’s business as usual.

Erm I think yoga started at 8.30. It was the relax class. It was soothing and I used to sleep well afterwards.

OP posts:
Fruitteatime · 19/05/2021 21:00

This might be something else you don't want to do but I recommend reading "Hunt, gather, parent". It's really transformed my thinking on childhood.

Dishwashersaurous · 19/05/2021 21:02

DH is your problem.

If he won't do anything then book a babysitter so that you can go out and have some time away

Quartz2208 · 19/05/2021 21:02

Your DH isnt part of your problem I really do think he is your problem. He seems to have both checked out and placed boundaries on you at the same time.

Why are you staying with him

EastWestWhosBest · 19/05/2021 21:02

@Milkminder

I haven’t even got any space because DH put the PS4 in our bedroom as he has the tv in the living room and now inevitably dc1 is in there in the evening.
Listen, you know what the problem really is. You just need to hear some other people say it.

DH is a waste of space who thinks only of himself. Either get rid or make him change.

Ostara212 · 19/05/2021 21:02

@Milkminder

DH is part of my problem but I’ve tried before to get him to change and he does for about one week and then it’s business as usual.

Erm I think yoga started at 8.30. It was the relax class. It was soothing and I used to sleep well afterwards.

Yoga is restarting here.

Even if it's not, go out at 8 and tell DH he's in charge. Go to the pub!

Ostara212 · 19/05/2021 21:02

@Quartz2208

Your DH isnt part of your problem I really do think he is your problem. He seems to have both checked out and placed boundaries on you at the same time.

Why are you staying with him

True
Fruitteatime · 19/05/2021 21:03

I also didn't read the thread but you'd feel half as bored if dh was doing his share Sad

Smarshian · 19/05/2021 21:04

You need to carve some time out for yourself!
I play netball one night, run another night and usually try to see a friend one morning/ afternoon over the weekend. DH plays golf 1/2 days a week. It means we enjoy spending time with the kids more as it’s not so forced.

XingMing · 19/05/2021 21:05

It does reach an end. Really.

I adored DS from the moment he was delivered, and dutifully went to soft play etc, and the rest. Fast forward 15 years, and he's a delightful person that I am pleased to have in my life. Honestly, it is the greatest joy. But it takes years.

Singalongasong · 19/05/2021 21:05

OK. Think of a few things you ARE going to delegate to DH. If he is always at the gym and cycling then why can't he squeeze in cricket and football and the odd park visit?

In the evenings, find some TV that you like that isn't completely inappropriate for DC1. Watch it with them, and if they are bored and wander off to bed a bit earlier, so be it. Though you seem much better at limiting TV watching than I am! But it's completely normal, I think, not to be cracking out a board game with older DC unless it's one you actually want to play. My DC know my favourite games and those are the ones they offer because I'm more likely to say yes. Negotiating this stuff is a life skill for them.

Nopenopenopenooooo · 19/05/2021 21:05

Yup its boring and drudgy, I’ve said the same thing, it’s going to be years of doing stuff I don’t want to do. I only cook 1 meal, after weaning I was like “nope, not cooking multiple things” ( means evening meals are limited to what my toddler can eat but i’m fine with that).

Stop doing stuff for your husband, if he can’t be arsed then neither should you.

Doomsdayisstillcoming · 19/05/2021 21:07

@Milkminder

Dc2 is little and dc1 is big. My age gap doesn’t help because they have such different needs. If DH is in the room with them and I’m in the kitchen they’ll bypass him to come and ask me. It drives me crazy. He doesn’t do anything much, does a lot of lying on the sofa and going to the gym / cycling at weekends.
Ding ding ding. You are parent to three children.
Climbingthegreasypole · 19/05/2021 21:07

There is a Jordan Peterson video on you tube (and I know he’s had a lot of controversy) where he gives the advice that you should actively bring up your child to be someone you want to spend time with - for your sake and theirs. I thought that was interesting.

FreekStar · 19/05/2021 21:07

You need to engineer your DC into doing things you like!

But then again I love going to farms, zoos, wildlife parks etc. baking, drawing and colouring, building with lego and shopping for cute outfits for DD were my activities of choice.

I would have hated football practice...and I never cooked special meals for DC or DH- they either ate the family or went hungry- funnily enough they eat what I cook!

Tubs11 · 19/05/2021 21:08

sounds like you don't have the balance right, what are you doing for you? Do you have a hobby that you do in the evenings and do you take an hour for yourself in the day and vice versa with your partner?

lms2017 · 19/05/2021 21:09

What you do is when your husband's in the living room where the kids are and all is safe you say I am popping out , I want to go get myself xyz and you just go. Let him deal with them . If you are not there he will have to handle it and the kids will have to ask him.

You need to find yourself ! Have time for you. It's hard and it becomes very dull if your not doing anything for yourself .

Do you like running/walking ? Could you do that for an hour each evening . Longs your husband's in the house then just say your going out be back soon.

Youlookyoung · 19/05/2021 21:09

This is why I don’t want children. I don’t want to live my life where everything I want to do I have to consider children

angelaEhen · 19/05/2021 21:10

Stop taking them to so many things. Tell them to play upstairs you need some quite time, tell your husband to pull his weight.

You sound like a great mum and you deserve some time to yourself

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 19/05/2021 21:11

Putting aside your DH problem, which is another issue entirely - you don't have to entertain your children constantly. You are perfectly entitled to leave them to their own devices. The older one can entertain themselves. The older one can even entertain the younger one. You are doing them no favours by being at their beck and call constantly.

SheilaWilcox · 19/05/2021 21:12

Yep, parenting is utterly relentless and by the time your realise you hate it, it's too late. It's not like you can put them back.
You also don't realise how shit a parent your DH will be until it's too late.

No answers, but you're not alone.

Whenever I read threads on mumsnet, I convince myself I'm some kind of mug that should divorce. Then I realise that I'm a SAHM and would be totally fucked if I did.

If only I'd read Mumsnet as a teenager, I could have made perfect life decisions and not been stuck in the rut of life.

BonesJones · 19/05/2021 21:12

Yes. Yes it is. You have my full sympathy. What worked for me is divorce. It makes the days with the kids a bit harder and sometimes I wish I had some help at home, but then I remember that if I did I couldn't go off doing fun stuff and having whole days and evenings to myself. I'm definitely a better parent too, now I'm not run into the ground all day every day. Your DH sounds like a dick.

Bibbetyboo · 19/05/2021 21:13

Not selfish. You do more than me.

It’s just all a bit shit a lot of the time.

LaMariposa · 19/05/2021 21:14

There's a lot of boring stuff with kids.

I cook one meal, if they don't want it they get nothing else, always yogurt and fruit for pudding and weetabix before bed if needed. DH also likes to cook.
Hobbies I don't mind, 30min of guilt free reading/mindless browsing while DD goes swimming suits me. I also liked soft play, not that we've been in an age because covid.
DD and DS have learnt that some things I'll do at weekends (baking, play park) some things I enjoy we can do every day (reading) and some things I won't do at all and they need to nag DH or Grandma for - like the Nintendo switch which I do not see the point of. DH also doesn't mind painting/messy crafts and making endless Lego models for them.

We still have to deal with various meltdowns when they don't get their way, but I try and get them to appreciate we all like different things and deserve to spend our free time how we want.

Sceptre86 · 19/05/2021 21:15

Your post sounds very martyrish. You can address the issues with you husband, if he steps up great, if he doesn't then you need to decide how much more you can take. As for your kids why do you need to fill up every second of their day? Is there a particular reason they can't entertain themselves, especially your older child? Yanbu to hate certain activities with the kids, I don't love playing with dollies or playing with superhero toys but my kids do so I join in initially and then let them carry on. Certain tasks such as meal times, bath bed, picking up and dropping off is just part of the daily grind. I'm not sure if anyone enjoys that but needs must.

I think you put a lot of pressure on yourself to do things you don't enjoy, for example taking them to the park, do you have a garden where they could play and you could sit and watch with a cup of tea? Do they really need to have a kick about in the park if they have had outdoor playtime at school? No harm will come to them if they have some self directed play. It isn't neglectful to leave them to it but just keep an eye on them or ear out.

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