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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

813 replies

Milkminder · 19/05/2021 20:14

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

OP posts:
BigPyjamas · 19/05/2021 21:16

You are basically running around doing everything for everyone. And then complaining that you're doing everything for everyone.

You don't need to cook multiple meals. You don't need to play cricket. You don't need to play board games at 8pm. You don't need to go to the park for an hour if you hate it.

You do need to sit your DH down and explain that this isn't working. That the free ride through lift he's getting stops here.

I have DC. I work full time. I also see my friends, go shopping, have exercise, sit on my arse Mumsnetting. I expect DH to do his fair share.

Time to take control and put yourself first.

P.S I quite like softplay. Cup of tea. A book. Kids play for hours and are exhausted when we get home so have TV time. Perfect

LizzieSiddal · 19/05/2021 21:18

Your H sounds utterly selfish.

You’d be better off being a single parent, at least then he’d take them at weekends and you’d get plenty of me time then!

Hawkins001 · 19/05/2021 21:18

I must admit, this is a factor with me, and if I have children, on the one perspective, i think I'd be a good parent, on the other it's a pitty the training and growing could not be accelerated.

SmokedDuck · 19/05/2021 21:18

My advice:

Get rid of the gaming thing in your room. Put it somewhere else, or sell it and spend the money on something nice.

Take up an activity on Sunday that leaves your dh with the kids. Maybe have him ferry the older one to an activity he likes that day. Tell older child he doesn't get to go unless he refrains from whining when you take them somewhere the other child will like on Saturday. Don't back down when he whines.

Stop cooking more than one meal. Make one thing that most people like. If someone hates it, they can have bread and cheese and an apple.

LongPauseNoAnswer · 19/05/2021 21:18

It’s not selfish, I hated the wife work involved with looking after my DD. I hated the homework, I hated soft play, I hated parent teacher conferences, I hated music lessons. I hated 99% of things that were related to raising a child.

Motherhood is not for everyone!

freakyfridays · 19/05/2021 21:19

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

why? Confused

I don't believe you have to become a martyr when you become a parent.
You can't try to slot your kids in your previous care-free life, that never works, but you can compromise and choose activities that work for everybody.

It's like holidays, I never understand parents who claim they are the worst time with young kids.

If you hate the park, don't go and do something else. Or take a book and buy a coffee or something and have 20 minutes of peace.

SoUmmYeah · 19/05/2021 21:19

@NeverAgain123456

Your not unreasonable but not liking children and their activities is the reason I didn’t have any. Did you not think about this?
I don't know about Op, but everyone told neo it'd be different with my own, that it is "so hard, but so rewarding", like nothing else on earth. And I believed them. I shouldn't have.

You aren't wrong OP.

SmokedDuck · 19/05/2021 21:20

Oh, and put the kids to bed by 9. Even if the older one reads for a bit. Many kids now get a lot less sleep than they need, though.

Daphnise · 19/05/2021 21:23

But why did you have them?

boatyardblues · 19/05/2021 21:24

@DelBocaVista

This is why we trained DS to like the pub 😂😂
Yeah, ours got dragged around things we like doing too. From tiny we told them that everyone gets to do a bit of what they want on holiday or at the weekend even if it isn’t as much fun for the others, otherwise it’s not fair. We may have sped through art galleries at triple speed on occasion or eaten restaurant meals in relay so one adult could take the tantrumming child outside to leave the other in peace, but we still went.
LigPatin · 19/05/2021 21:25

At least you're being honest OP!

I wish more people had an understanding of what parenting was like before committing to it .
We've been fed a very romanticised version of parenting, or simply been conditioned that it's "what you do".

It's mostly shit and far fewer people would opt in if they knew what it's really like.

LigPatin · 19/05/2021 21:26

Also - PPs are right.
Don't spend all evening and weekend doing activities for your children. They need to learn to be bored and that sometimes other people's wants and needs come first.

malificent7 · 19/05/2021 21:26

Why are so many childfree people coming on here to berate mothers?

freakyfridays · 19/05/2021 21:27

It's mostly shit and far fewer people would opt in if they knew what it's really like.

I assure you that no every parent agrees with that.

True, we unfortunately cannot go on holiday for 6 months a year, but it would be such a waste of life if it genuinely was shit.

pollylocketpickedapocket · 19/05/2021 21:28

@NeverAgain123456

Your not unreasonable but not liking children and their activities is the reason I didn’t have any. Did you not think about this?
Exactly, I knew all this before I had kids? More I read seems like I’m the only one
PumpkinPie2016 · 19/05/2021 21:28

Your husband needs to step up so you can share the load and each get time away from the kids.

I would address the dinner issue -no way would I be cooking 2 or 3 different meals. Ideally, you would make one thing and everyone eats that. That's what I do, however, I appreciate that some kids are mega fussy so if needs be cook for them and then something for you/DH but take turns so you both cook. Do the kids have school meals? If so, their dinner can be very simple a couple of times a week - beans on toast, 'picnic' with sandwiches, fruit etc.

As for activities - don't feel you have to fill every hour of the day. It's good for them to amuse themselves a bit. I'm lucky that DS is 7 now and plays out with the girl down the road a lot.

I do try to do things with him at weekends/in school holidays though because I work full time and my job is busy so I want to make sure I have quality time with him.

lazylinguist · 19/05/2021 21:28

It's not that you're necessarily selfish. But I'm wondering whether you were expecting to enjoy motherhood, and if so, which bits? It can certainly be tiring, but it sounds as if you don't enjoy playing with your dc, feeding them, bathing them, taking them places or talking to them. It seems a bit unreasonable to choose to have children and then resent having to do the things it was perfectly obvious you were going to need to do.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 19/05/2021 21:28

You seem to be packing a lot into one weekend - football, swimming and farm - you don't have to do them all. Or, could DH do football, you do swimming and you all go to the park if you want to do all three?

pollylocketpickedapocket · 19/05/2021 21:28

@malificent7

Why are so many childfree people coming on here to berate mothers?
Why are so many mothers complaining about being mothers?!
Everythingstaken · 19/05/2021 21:29

Your post has made me sad & angry on your behalf! Your husband in his utter selfishness is making your experience of parenting absolutely joyless. If he pulled his weight even a small bit you’d be so much happier but as it is the weight of the responsibility and all the stress and drudgery is falling to you. You sound like an amazing mum. You are fitting so much in - maybe too much - but I get it as I also have a big gap between DCs and sometimes it feels like have 3 only children as they all have different needs! But saying that they have to go along with things the majority of the time as you just can’t physically and mentally please everyone. It’s hard enough when there are two of you pulling your weight but I can honestly say I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it with a man child in tow. I would be so resentful and bitter and probably depressed as it would just be such a frustrating, demoralising situation.
I know your options aren’t easy to face but really what is your husband contributing? You and your children deserve and need him to contribute.
In the meantime I would cease all ‘mothering’ of him. No laundry, no special meals & deal with the PlayStation situation.
You deserve better than this! You deserve to enjoy your children. You deserve to have some time to do things you enjoy.

burritofan · 19/05/2021 21:29

But why did you have them?
Oh for heaven’s sake Hmm

Dishwashersaurous · 19/05/2021 21:29

why do the farm if you don't want to?

Just let the kids entertain themselves in the afternoon and have a rest

freakyfridays · 19/05/2021 21:31

You sound like an amazing mum.

An amazing mum would be happy. Kids are not stupid, and will get that their parent is bored, resentful and unhappy.

Being a martyr is good to absolutely no one.

Echobelly · 19/05/2021 21:31

You could say the same thing about having a job I suppose!

waitingforthenextseason · 19/05/2021 21:32

I'd tell your DH you would have more time for yourself if you kick his sorry arse out and he has to have his own children on his own EOW and midweek or 50% of the time. Perhaps you should consider this option.

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