To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

OP the way you have described it, it really is that bad.

@Milkminder

I’m scared to leave because what if I’m wrong and this isn’t so bad? What if it’s worse and the children are unhappy too? What if I lose them 50% of the time?

Do nothing and you will shrivel and suffer mental break down You are near that already

Then dc will be worse off for sure

What you have described is really very bad and it’s probably just the tip of the iceberg so I suspect it’s even much worse.

Please speak to Womensaid - someone who can tell you in real life what so many are telling you here.

I find it’s about adapting those things to suit you - mine is older primary age, at the park I use the time to do C25k and listen to a podcast - I’m there but not hovering.

I’ve managed to indoctrinate the kid to liking books by Terry Pratchett and Marvel films, so I’m pretty happy with the free time stuff.

And when I take him to sports I either chat with other parents or do a combo of taking pictures and looking at Twitter! Some things are inescapable (homework) but broadly you can try and make some of it work for you!

Just read to the end - he won’t go for 50:50 - disinterested selfish men will never want the full impact of parenting foisted on them.

You’d be better off still doing it all without the burden of his presence bringing you down.

Hope you find a resolution that works for you.

@Milkminder

I’m scared to leave because what if I’m wrong and this isn’t so bad? What if it’s worse and the children are unhappy too? What if I lose them 50% of the time?

How about instead of just going from 'doormat' to 'leaving' you do some in-between steps?

Talk to Woman's Aid. Get some counselling. Work out for yourself whether this is or isn't so bad.

Meanwhile, think about whether you really need to be doing all you are doing for other people. Lots of good advice on here.

In reality are you going to lose your kids 50% of the time? Is your OH really going to commit to having them all on his own (say) every other weekend? And if he is, then why isn't he spending that time with them now?

@Milkminder

I’m scared to leave because what if I’m wrong and this isn’t so bad? What if it’s worse and the children are unhappy too? What if I lose them 50% of the time?

This IS that bad.

You might have the kids going to him 50/50, but I doubt he’d want that, and I doubt they’d want to see him too much anyway

If you stay in this relationship you’ll lose yourself, you’ll possibly lose them in so far as they’ll run for the hills the first chance they get because life isn’t what they see in their friends houses.

This is no way for any of you to live.

@aramox

Why do child free people come on mn to say 'this is why I didn't have kids'? Genuinely baffling.

I agree, it really pisses me off. It's as if they just come on to gloat about how fabulous their child free life is, rather than trying to offer support to the op.

Still with you as well OP...please sort out an appointment with women's aid for a chat. No-one has got a vested interest in pushing you out of your marriage to make life harder for you. See if you can find someone to discuss your 'what-ifs' with. You need to work through each of these to make a rational choice for you. But there are rational responses to each of them as well.

He won't give an inch but he'll take a mile. He won't give you an hour, but he will take 24/7 as his own time. You know this isn't right and that he won't want 50/50 with children at all. Talk all the details through with someone in person though, you need to build up 'team milkminder' a bit so you have more real life support around you. xx

I feel he’s lazy more than anything else - when it comes to the children anyway. He’s not lazy at work and he’s gone straight to the gym tonight.

Last night I felt like I was going to go crazy and at 8.30pm said was going for a walk. DH said it wasn’t safe and wanted to know where I was walking and how long I’d be. Said about 20 minutes. Dead on 20 minutes he starts phoning.

It just gets me down but he said he was worried.

Choice. You had one.

@Milkminder

I feel he’s lazy more than anything else - when it comes to the children anyway. He’s not lazy at work and he’s gone straight to the gym tonight.

Last night I felt like I was going to go crazy and at 8.30pm said was going for a walk. DH said it wasn’t safe and wanted to know where I was walking and how long I’d be. Said about 20 minutes. Dead on 20 minutes he starts phoning.

It just gets me down but he said he was worried.

You are being abused. Speak to WomensAid please.

@Milkminder

I feel he’s lazy more than anything else - when it comes to the children anyway. He’s not lazy at work and he’s gone straight to the gym tonight.

Last night I felt like I was going to go crazy and at 8.30pm said was going for a walk. DH said it wasn’t safe and wanted to know where I was walking and how long I’d be. Said about 20 minutes. Dead on 20 minutes he starts phoning.

It just gets me down but he said he was worried.

...and somehow you think not having him in your life would be worse?

Really?

How?

OP - can he see your posts on MN? Have you secured your password?

I posted this earlier OP and wondered if you had a chance to process it at all? I know this must feel overwhelming but people have responded in the way they have because the dynamic is so much worse than you've realised

OP, by staying in this relationship you are teaching your children that it is a woman's job to do childcare, cleaning, cooking AND working. That a dad decides how his partner and children spend their time and gets the final say. That mums stay in the house when they aren't at work, but dads are allowed to go and do hobbies. That when the children need something, dad sits on the sofa and doesn't get up because it's a mums job to do whatever the children need.

This is such an incredibly unhealthy relationship and the more you say, the more awful it sounds.

He would accuse you of cheating if you wanted a night away? He wouldn't 'let' you do a hobby that inconvenienced him at all, even if it was one that would make you happy? You say it simply isn't an option - that's absolutely abuse, that you feel you don't have autonomy over your own actions.

Can you see that you're currently teaching your children that all those things are normal in relationships?

I don't think you get how seriously unhealthy this relationship is and therefore can't see how much damage it's going to do to your children.

Better they see a mum being healthy and independent 50% of the time (in reality you'd have them most of the time as he's not exactly going to fight to care for them is he) than a mum being unhealthy, dragged down, dictated to and emotionally abused 100% of the time.

Agree. Your husband is the problem. Seek the advice others have recommended and then look at your options.

I haven't RTFT. Just wanted to say you sound like an amazing mum

@Milkminder

I feel he’s lazy more than anything else - when it comes to the children anyway. He’s not lazy at work and he’s gone straight to the gym tonight.

Last night I felt like I was going to go crazy and at 8.30pm said was going for a walk. DH said it wasn’t safe and wanted to know where I was walking and how long I’d be. Said about 20 minutes. Dead on 20 minutes he starts phoning.

It just gets me down but he said he was worried.

His “laziness” is abusive towards you.

It puts the burden of all childcare, all domestic responsibility, all caregiving and drudge work squarely on your shoulders.

He’s not lazy in a forgivable, wish-he’d-try-harder-sometimes sense.

He’s lazy in a complete waste of space PLUS controlling sense.

You said it yourself - he can do a good job at work (because he cares about not getting the sack, and getting paid, and not getting grief off his boss), but he doesn’t at home (because he doesn’t care about you, and he doesn’t think you’ll bin him, and no one pays him to give a shit about you abc the kids).

He can go out when he pleases to do what he likes. You get 20 minutes.

Life can be better than this.

It’s scary and shit and I’m really sorry.
The kids won’t be happy in the short term.
In the short term it might well feel much worse for you and them.

But in the future, in the long term, you’ll thrive.

You love your children, you give and give and yet the adult you live with, who’s supposed to cherish you and them, doesn’t give a fuck.

Maybe he’ll have an epiphany and change his ways when he realises what he’s going to lose. I doubt it, but who knows? The only thing that’s certain is that if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.

And what you’ve got is horrible to hear about.

@MirandaMarple

Choice. You had one.

Do you mean the choice to have children? Unclear writing.

Agree with a PP that there are a lot of steps between putting up with things as they are, and telling DH to get lost. Would it help if you drew up a rota of meal times and bedtimes and showed him and the kids who was doing what? He should absolutely not be abandoning his family every Saturday. Maybe every other Saturday? Nor should he get to go to the gym and leave you to do every single bedtime.

And def try and train them to do some things on their own. And take the PS4 out of your bedroom.

@bakingdemon please don’t advise a woman in an abusive relationship to draw up a rota. Or suggest the husband ‘abandons the family every other Saturday’. Don’t minimise this. This is someone’s whole life being destroyed by an abusive and cruel partner. A fucking rota isn’t going to cut it

Dear lord op. Please leave.

Your DH is awful. You need to stick up for yourself or leave. Anybody would feel overwhelmed by their kids with such a useless selfish lump of a partner.

He should be playing football with his son even if he can’t manage anything else! It’s weird and really not normal that everyone including you expects you to do everything.

OP. You must be very resilient not to have crumbled in the face of all this pressure and control on you. You are using all this strength to survive and cover for your husband.

You could use it to leave and build a better life for you and your children. I’m sure it won’t be easy. But life now is hard, and all your hard work isn’t productive. It’s just papering the cracks instead of building something strong.

You could leave and try to build something strong?

Last night I felt like I was going to go crazy and at 8.30pm said was going for a walk. DH said it wasn’t safe and wanted to know where I was walking and how long I’d be. Said about 20 minutes. Dead on 20 minutes he starts phoning.

It just gets me down but he said he was worried.

He wasn't worried. He was telling you that he wants to ok your plans. He's asserting his authority over you. Don't be flattered by this. It's an attempt to control.

Next time say an hour and a half, and that you haven't decided your nice long route yet, and in the same breath walk out and shut the door.

Good for you for getting out though.