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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

813 replies

Milkminder · 19/05/2021 20:14

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

OP posts:
Mooda · 22/05/2021 22:42

The saddest thing about your updates is that your useless husband is stopping you enjoying these precious years with your DC.

Some fairly minor adjustments with him taking some responsibility would make a huge difference to your life and how you feel. But it won't happen unless you make it happen. Don't just tell him vaguely things have to change. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you're at breaking point. Tell him exactly how things have to change. Make a list of everything you do. Then decide together what could be ditched completely (late night chess, get an app. Crafts, just no unless you actually enjoy it) and what he can pick up. As a minimum one bedtime a week and a few hours at the weekend. If he wants to cycle on a Saturday then you get time on a Sunday. It's still 'family time' if it's him and the DC. On a Sunday one of you takes DS to rugby and one of you hangs out with DD at home. You don't have to entertain her, she will probably enjoy just hanging out and playing in a quiet house without DS around.

If you can't bring this up with your DH you have to be honest with yourself as to why, and whether you even have a marriage. And if he won't lighten your load even a little when you've said how much you're struggling how, how can you stay with him?

Please please try to understand that your situation is NOT NORMAL. Even the most useless DHs I've encountered aren't this bad. You do not have to put up with it. This is one of the worst threads I've read on MN but you don't seem to understand how appallingly your DH treats you. I hope you can turn it around.

Good luck OP.

Lostinthewilderness · 23/05/2021 10:57

@Mooda I 100% agree

MzHz · 23/05/2021 11:07

seemingly the only way this is going to get fixed is to split up

The saddest thing about this is that @Milkminder will ONLY then enjoy life when the kids are with that hopefully stbx

This man is going to damage the life of the kids, it will damage your relationship with them permanently, it’s an enormous risk to you mental health.

Summerfun54321 · 23/05/2021 11:37

Sounds like you need to return your DH to his mother on the basis that he’s faulty goods. She’s raised her son to be a selfish husband and an incompetent father. Tell her you’ll only accept him back he once he’s had all the training he needs to be a decent human being.

LagneyandCasey · 23/05/2021 11:55

You sound like an amazing mum. There are large chunks of parenting that are mind numbingly boring. It does get easier. When they hit the teen years you are suddenly left with time to fill (and bizarrely, you often miss them being little!)

I got my life back when they discovered TV. Everyone said TV was bad for them but sod that, it was good for ME. I sat them I front of the TV and I sat with them and read books. I now have 2 happy rounded dc with jobs, partners and their own homes so it didn't affect them that much.

Find time for yourself. It's absolutely vital. Don't fret about screens babysitting the dc for an hour here or there so you can sit and breathe or read or just think your own thoughts

Find meals that you can all eat, maybe with some tweaking for the adults.

LannieDuck · 23/05/2021 12:17

Do you work FT or PT? I couldn't quite tell from your posts - if it's FT, you really, really need to address this disparity in housework and childcare.

(If it's PT, you still need to address it, but it's a trickier argument.)

I get that your DH wants Sundays as family time, but in that case you need to stand your ground on splitting Saturdays. He can have 1/2 a day as 'his time', but you get 1/2 a day as 'your time' too.

Why does he get away with stopping work when he walks in the door, but you don't? Misogyny at it's finest. I'm curious what his reasoning is for why he does no housework? If you asked him directly, would he just say it's because he's a man?

LannieDuck · 23/05/2021 12:19

And what on earth possessed him/his mum to make frozen food for him only after your c-section? What did he expect the you and the kids to eat?

He's monumentally selfish, isn't he?

Original poster
Milkminder · 23/05/2021 14:30

I work 30 hours. It’s part time but not that part time. I don’t get a day free and it often ends up being a couple of hours more anyway.
I think if I had a proper break now and then I’d probably enjoy the dc more. DH went out last night and stopped at his mum’s at too drunk to drive back and didn’t want to pay for taxi (his friends all live over that way too) which I don’t begrudge him because he’s not seen them since last summer.
But he went out the door yesterday morning at 10am for a round of golf, then straight to his mum’s and I’ve only heard from him via one text this morning to say he was still in bed with a hangover.
He won’t be back until 6/7pm when he can drive.

I just think it would never happen like that for me. I can’t go out for an evening until they are in bed let alone for the whole weekend.

OP posts:
Lostinthewilderness · 23/05/2021 14:59

But he went out the door yesterday morning at 10am for a round of golf, then straight to his mum’s and I’ve only heard from him via one text this morning to say he was still in bed with a hangover. He won’t be back until 6/7pm when he can drive

Sod that! What’s stopping you initiating a divorce?

Lostinthewilderness · 23/05/2021 15:00

He’s acting like a single bloke in his 20s, not a father of two

ScrollingLeaves · 23/05/2021 15:01

It almost seems as though your spirit has been broken - you sound so almost flat.
It is difficult to know what would help.
That is why maybe just even the yoga would wake some inner part of you up. Please don’t take these remarks as unkindly meant. Something feels very wrong. 💐

Original poster
Milkminder · 23/05/2021 15:03

He doesn’t go out that often with his friends drinking - and with covid even less. It’s more that the chances of me being able to clear off for more than 24 hours and only send one message on all that time are zero.
It wouldn’t be acceptable and I just wouldn’t do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Milkminder · 23/05/2021 15:04

I feel flat. I feel bored and lonely most of the time.

I think covid -19 hasn’t helped. There’s been precious little to look forward to generally.

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 23/05/2021 15:05

No you wouldn’t ever.

But you must have a chink of space and light for yourself.

KatherineSiena · 23/05/2021 15:05

So what happened to the oh so important family Sunday?

I suggest you take next Sunday as yours as he’s taken all this weekend as his.

Original poster
Milkminder · 23/05/2021 15:07

Ahh well Sunday family day is negotiable on his terms.
Cannot imagine the freedom of just going for a whole weekend and not worrying about it. Cannot imagine it.

OP posts:
Cavagirl · 23/05/2021 15:09

What would happen if you did?

Original poster
Milkminder · 23/05/2021 15:12

I just couldn’t do it. I’d worry about the dc and DH wouldn’t let me. It’s not even as implicit as that, but I know that is how it is. There’s just no way.

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 23/05/2021 15:18

Could you get a Saturday babysitter for just a few hours to go out to the class you like which you mentioned in your first post?

MaMaD1990 · 23/05/2021 15:20

My take away from your posts is you do not have a children problem, you have a selfish arse of a husband problem. What are you worried will happen if you just wake up next Sunday, say you're going out and he needs to get up and spend time with his kids whilst you have some alone time?

Coldwine75 · 23/05/2021 15:22

Dont worry in a few years they will be off doing their own thing, you will have time and wont have to ferry about to kiddy activities ! Some advantages to having teens !

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 23/05/2021 15:26

@aramox

Why do child free people come on mn to say 'this is why I didn't have kids'? Genuinely baffling.
Guaranteed they will be the same childfree people having a massive huff about feeling excluded when the standard thread about "Why do people without children post on Mumsnet?" appears.

You wouldn't go on Pistonheads and say "This is why I don't drive", so why on earth would you go on Mumsnet to say something similar?

SocialAffairsAndWoodlandFolk · 23/05/2021 15:28

OP, I've been following this thread and I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh but:
The possibility of this system changing now rests on you. You shouldn't have to be in this position, the blame lies entirely with your husband, but after years of him doing bugger all, he's not going to spontaneously change.

To be honest, after everything you've said after how he behaved after you giving birth, I'd be edging towards divorce rather than trying to work on the marriage at all. He's not just useless, he's cruel.
If you wanted to try and make this work, then you need to put him in a position where he has to step up. Stay with a friend for a night, go to the gym in the evening. Tell him what will be happening, then just walk out the door and turn off your phone. He can work out how to feed them, put them to bed etc. If he can't do that then I'm not sure what else to say except to leave him. You don't need a man who's too lazy to feed his own children.

Original poster
Milkminder · 23/05/2021 15:34

If I spend a night away he will accuse me of having an affair.
And I will feel guilty.
Even though I shouldn’t feel guilty.

OP posts:
KatherineSiena · 23/05/2021 15:35

I feel very sorry for you and you do sound very dejected. But what are you going to do about it?

You might not feel brave enough to leave (yet, if at all) but can’t you make some small adjustments to make your life a little better? People have given you some great tips on here how to claw back a bit of time for you. You need to let your children be a tad more independent and stop the constant interaction with them. I said this before as have others but just make one meal. It’s utterly ridiculous for you to be doing so much cooking.

Your husband is really selfish but you have acknowledged that you enabled this. Please try and make some changes to improve your life.

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