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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

813 replies

Milkminder · 19/05/2021 20:14

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 23/05/2021 15:36

Please divorce his hideous wart.

MaMaD1990 · 23/05/2021 15:36

*this hideous wart!

DelBocaVista · 23/05/2021 15:42

@Milkminder

If I spend a night away he will accuse me of having an affair. And I will feel guilty. Even though I shouldn’t feel guilty.
Why would he do that?

What a horrible man.

InFiveMins · 23/05/2021 15:46

You've put into words exactly why I chose not to have kids.

I know that doesn't make things easier for you however. Make your husband take some of the load. Find some time for you to do something you will enjoy.

Cavagirl · 23/05/2021 15:57

@Milkminder

If I spend a night away he will accuse me of having an affair. And I will feel guilty. Even though I shouldn’t feel guilty.
OP why did you marry him? (Real question)

It's really difficult to understand how bad the situation is for you from your posts. You're so well trained you can't even imagine suggesting you might have some time to yourself let alone doing it. But how have you got to this point? How does your husband keep you under such control? Can you tell us a bit about your day to day interactions?

Might also be worth asking @MNHQ to move this thread to Relationships to avoid all the AIBU posters just taking it at face value.

NoSquirrels · 23/05/2021 15:59

@Milkminder

I just couldn’t do it. I’d worry about the dc and DH wouldn’t let me. It’s not even as implicit as that, but I know that is how it is. There’s just no way.
What are you going to do about it?
AnoDeLosMuertos · 23/05/2021 16:02

@Milkminder

They follow me around saying Mum mum mum mum mum mum mum.

I actually cannot remember the last time I had any time alone. I’m either at work or with the dc. I suppose I have my 20 minute commute.

The only time I’m alone is in the car to and from work.
person6743 · 23/05/2021 16:05

OP you need to start being more selfish and doing something for you. Stop acting like a passenger in your own life. Your DH is an A grade tool, but you need to decide what you want from life and take charge. Start learning to say no, you need to tell your DH to step up, stop doing everything and see what happens, or just leave. I don't mean to oversimplify, I know it's not as easy as that, but I felt depressed just reading your replies, I can't imagine living it, it really doesn't have to be like this, you are actively choosing to live this life even if you don't think you are.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/05/2021 16:11

If I spend a night away he will accuse me of having an affair.

And yet when he does, you don't. Why is that? Why are you worth less than him? He gets the change family Sunday and you don't. Why?

The sad thing is I think you're going to put up with this until one of you dies or he leaves, whichever is soonest. You can just change it yourself. But you can't see that.

CoalTit · 23/05/2021 16:30

Cannot imagine it... I just couldn´t do it... DH wouldn't let me...There's just no way
I guess your mind's made up, then. I'm so, so sorry, both for you and your children.

billy1966 · 23/05/2021 16:39

He doesn't believe for a second you would have an affair, that is just more controlling abuse.

You are in an awful situation.

Please contact Women's Aid for real life support.
Flowers

EntreMummy · 23/05/2021 16:48

You are being fully controlled by your DH, OP.

Second what pp said - seek real life help from Women’s Aid or similar. Talk to a friend. Help you to start getting some perspective on your situation. You don’t need to live like this.

Yes, parenting is achingly hard and boring at times, but shouldn’t be as frequently relentless as you’re putting yourself through - how do the rest of us do it? honestly, put the TV on a bit more and let your eldest play Minecraft etc.

And leave your DH. He can go back to being looked after by his Mum.

GabsAlot · 23/05/2021 16:53

Op you dont have a marriage youre so worn down you think this is normal andits not

my bil does 50 percent of everything at home with my sis well maybe not the cooking hes not very confident but everything else and te kids go to both of them for play and schoolwork because thats what is standard with them

youre kids come to you because your husband isnt parenting or being anything really-youre like his slave so whats the point in staying

and would he really go for 50/50 custody when he cant even have them alone now?

Snog · 23/05/2021 17:41

Why oh why OP do you choose this downtrodden life with a man who does not like you and has no respect for you, no care for your well being, just wants to use you. He doesn't care about his kids, they are an inconvenience.

I rarely say this but I hope that you LTB, this is a hugely unhealthy relationship and you owe it to yourself and your dc to leave this man. There is a lot of support available to help you through this.

Step up OP, be the parent your dc need you to be and honour yourself and your life. You know that things aren't right, you know that you can't fix the relationship, there is only one way forward here.

Embracelife · 23/05/2021 18:19

You do not have to stay married to this man
You do not have to be his slave
See a counsellor yourself.
Talk about it.

LannieDuck · 23/05/2021 18:43

You work 30 hours, but actually a bit more? Assuming he works 35 hours, that means you should feel responsible for 1 hour of chores per day more than him. That's it. Everything else should be 50:50.

You need to stop being so passive. I understand it's hard when you're exhausted and sleep deprived, but he's taking the piss. Family Sundays don't apply when he wants to do something? What goes for him should go for you too. One rule for both of you.

SadieCow · 23/05/2021 19:08

OP please get out of this, you're a single parent anyway!

Bythemillpond · 23/05/2021 20:00

I was akin to a single parent for 2-3 weeks each month as Dh worked away in other countries.
I will be honest that the week or 2 he was back in the house were the most stressful as I had a sort of routine that didn’t include him coming home in the middle of story time and sounding off that the kitchen wasn’t in a pristine condition for him to cook his food.
If anything the house was cleaner and tidier when he wasn’t there.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/05/2021 20:48

@Bythemillpond

I was akin to a single parent for 2-3 weeks each month as Dh worked away in other countries. I will be honest that the week or 2 he was back in the house were the most stressful as I had a sort of routine that didn’t include him coming home in the middle of story time and sounding off that the kitchen wasn’t in a pristine condition for him to cook his food. If anything the house was cleaner and tidier when he wasn’t there.
You really are not akin to a single parent even if your DH works away. If you both work you have 2 incomes. Or if you're a SAHP you have someone else providing you with an income. Single parents do not have that.
frankiefirstyear · 23/05/2021 22:24

Thank you for this post OP I no longer feel alone surviving the shitstorn of mind numbingly boring things I do not want to do 💐

Dishwashersaurous · 24/05/2021 08:37

Op. Are you ok?

The more you write the more it becomes apparent that it’s not just that he’s lazy and unthinking but actively cruel and mean and controlling.

Please, please don’t think that your life has to be like this.

Take a day annual leave and don’t tell anyone. Then meet a friend in real life and tell them everything that you have said here. Then decide what to do

Magenta82 · 24/05/2021 11:47

@Dishwashersaurous

Op. Are you ok?

The more you write the more it becomes apparent that it’s not just that he’s lazy and unthinking but actively cruel and mean and controlling.

Please, please don’t think that your life has to be like this.

Take a day annual leave and don’t tell anyone. Then meet a friend in real life and tell them everything that you have said here. Then decide what to do

This is really good advice, it might help to put things into perspective and as good as mumsnet is it is better to get some support and advice from someone who knows you.

Hugs x

Wallywobbles · 24/05/2021 16:10

@Milkminder

If I spend a night away he will accuse me of having an affair. And I will feel guilty. Even though I shouldn’t feel guilty.
Please get some proper psychological help. Your thinking is all kinds of arse about face.

For starters he'd never ever want more than every other weekend, which would just give you 48hours to yourself 2x month. Why wouldn't you want that?

Mamabear12 · 24/05/2021 16:20

I totally get this. But how old are your kids? Surely they know how to play alone a little (if they are old enough to go to school!). My older two 7 and 9 can manage to play in another room if I ask them to for an hour or so. They can play seperate or together. I have a third though, who is 17 months and she requires more attention lol. She can make her rounds around the kitchen pushing her stroller while I do chores. But once she is in bed I make the older kids play so I can have some me time. It’s only an hour usually, but it’s something! I also find the park boring sometimes. But other times there are other parents to chat to...or other dog owners (I have a dog as well ).

Meatymeatytimetoeaty · 24/05/2021 17:24

Your "partner" is an arse and a completely selfish one at that.
Please consider leaving him. He doesn't have to have any contact, it sounds like he doesn't want it anyway, and it won't be any harder for you, as you're already doing everything yourself!
You might find someone who appreciates and supports you and your kids.

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