To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

I think the fact ds is not NT makes my life harder because he can’t be trusted with his sister. I’ve explained over and over and over and it still makes no difference. He’s very jealous of her and isn’t kind a lot of the time. He’s too physical with her and upsets her on purpose.

Absolutely @Milkminder . But isn't that all the more reason why you need DS's own father to share the parenting? Taking one child each to split them up, or tag teaming - the 2 main weapons in our arsenal of how to get through SEN parenting without losing our minds - and you have neither. It's beyond crap not just for you, but for the children.

Consider young carers for your DD when she is old enough - ours starts at 8. And consider signing her up for rainbows if she's old enough. They need space apart.

My oldest and youngest both have ADHD and other related conditions, so I sympathise with one being very unkind to the other. It's hard because they really don't understand why they can't behave that way, so you don't want to punish them.

But even so, that doesn't change my post above. A lot of the stuff you're doing with/for them you really don't need to do.

One meal for the family.
No need for endless playing games with them.
No need for endless crafting with them.
You don't have to listen to their reading.
You don't have to spend an hour at the park.

I get that you can't get your partner to do more, but you can control how much you do.

It's so sad that you're not enjoying this time at all :-(

I don’t enjoy it partly because I’m really tired I think.

This morning I got up at 5am so I could do a bit of work before taking the dc to school because I had to finish early to take ds to an appointment. So I got up, worked til 6.30, got the dc up and sorted and took them to their respective schools. DH got up at 9ish. Came back and worked until 2pm, took ds to appointment which was hard work in itself, went and got dd from school at 4pm, got back and ds and dd are at each other straight away. Ds wants me to play football. Dd wants me to play Disney. I don’t want to do either. They are both shouting. Agree to football first as ds asked first. Go outside. Starts to rain. Ds loses it because it’s raining and we’d only just gone out. Calm him down. Go back in. Play Disney. Ds sulks because he didn’t get his turn. Start dinner. DH appears and asks where his dinner is and what it is. I tell him and he does annoying little dance. Now he’s lying on the sofa waiting for his dinner. He will remain there whilst I sort the rest of the evening.

Waxonwaxoff0

Bythemillpond
I was akin to a single parent for 2-3 weeks each month as Dh worked away in other countries
I will be honest that the week or 2 he was back in the house were the most stressful as I had a sort of routine that didn’t include him coming home in the middle of story time and sounding off that the kitchen wasn’t in a pristine condition for him to cook his food.
If anything the house was cleaner and tidier when he wasn’t there
You really are not akin to a single parent even if your DH works away. If you both work you have 2 incomes. Or if you're a SAHP you have someone else providing you with an income. Single parents do not have that

You are right I wasn’t akin to a single parent.
I was in a much worse position as I had to change my routine every few weeks to accommodate Dh and what he needed. I couldn’t plan anything as I had to check with another person who lived away more days than he was here. Yet I single handedly raised 2children with no support but instead had to accommodate a partner as well.

The single parents I know had it so much easier

1. Leave your waste of space husband. As a separated parent you’ll probably get a couple of nights a week to yourself whilst he has them. Why are you with him? Find your self respect

1. Stop doing so much with them. I have a 5 year old and she’s more than happy to entertain herself

Also your children will be far more damaged thinking this almost abusive behaviour is normal, than by divorce, especially your girl.

I feel a bit fraught today I must admit. I nearly lost my temper with ds when he was going on about the rain.
It’s just because I’m tired though.
My little one in particular would struggle with separating from me. She’s not used to being with her dad.

Milk are you even thinking about planning to think about leaving? Or is this your life forever?

Yeah - another 13 years of drudgery and then I bet he leaves you for another woman when the kids are grown. Textbook. Wasting your life

@Milkminder

I don’t enjoy it partly because I’m really tired I think.

This morning I got up at 5am so I could do a bit of work before taking the dc to school because I had to finish early to take ds to an appointment. So I got up, worked til 6.30, got the dc up and sorted and took them to their respective schools. DH got up at 9ish. Came back and worked until 2pm, took ds to appointment which was hard work in itself, went and got dd from school at 4pm, got back and ds and dd are at each other straight away. Ds wants me to play football. Dd wants me to play Disney. I don’t want to do either. They are both shouting. Agree to football first as ds asked first. Go outside. Starts to rain. Ds loses it because it’s raining and we’d only just gone out. Calm him down. Go back in. Play Disney. Ds sulks because he didn’t get his turn. Start dinner. DH appears and asks where his dinner is and what it is. I tell him and he does annoying little dance. Now he’s lying on the sofa waiting for his dinner. He will remain there whilst I sort the rest of the evening.

Unbelievable that anyone would accept this.

I would pack a bag and leave him to it for a week or two.

He's their father, he'll figure it out.

I would leave him to it.

See how he likes it.

A bit like musical chairs.

What you write is just ridiculous OP.

Pack a bag.

If nothing else it will give you some space to think.

Have a "crisis" and just walk out.

Probably sounds unrealistic madness but I honestly can't think of what else you should do to get the space you need to think clearly.

OMG yes just leave for a week!! You won't I know, because your husband is utterly controlling you. But a week away to recharge and come up with a plan is what you need and well deserved.

The fact is he's NT does make life harder and means he can't do what typical 12 year old can do.

BUT thats all the more reason that BOTH parents have to work 100 per cent at parents. It is impossible for one person to do it all.

@Milkminder you have a choice..do you want this to be your life or not? It doesn't have to be

And to echo others , nothing will go wrong if you disappear for one evening.

Pack a bag and go to a premier Inn. Say that you will be back in 24 hours.

Then just sleep. And decide what to do

@Milkminder

I don’t enjoy it partly because I’m really tired I think.

This morning I got up at 5am so I could do a bit of work before taking the dc to school because I had to finish early to take ds to an appointment. So I got up, worked til 6.30, got the dc up and sorted and took them to their respective schools. DH got up at 9ish. Came back and worked until 2pm, took ds to appointment which was hard work in itself, went and got dd from school at 4pm, got back and ds and dd are at each other straight away. Ds wants me to play football. Dd wants me to play Disney. I don’t want to do either. They are both shouting. Agree to football first as ds asked first. Go outside. Starts to rain. Ds loses it because it’s raining and we’d only just gone out. Calm him down. Go back in. Play Disney. Ds sulks because he didn’t get his turn. Start dinner. DH appears and asks where his dinner is and what it is. I tell him and he does annoying little dance. Now he’s lying on the sofa waiting for his dinner. He will remain there whilst I sort the rest of the evening.

If you won’t ask your DH to be an equal parent - to help do the morning routine of breakfasts and nagging and cajoling (because he has a terrible temper) and you won’t ask him to help in the evenings e.g. he could have played football with DS or done something else with him to give him 1-1 time (because your DH has no relationship with his DC), then what is the point? Honestly?

If you separate, he’ll move out to his mum’s. He’ll have to pay child support. He won’t be around but you’ll still do the exact same amount of childcare and chores - but crucially minus the annoyance and resentment. He won’t have your DC 50-50 - he’s too lazy, you know that.

Staying with a man who loses his temper with the DC and controls your life, constantly appeasing him so you and the DC can just try to ignore his moods, working yourself into the ground emotionally and physically - it’s not a life. It’s not fair on you. It’s not fair on your children.

Splitting up will be scary and painful and not easy at all. But it is possible to have a better life and the things you fear - your children being damaged by him because he isn’t kind to them - are happening already. If he’s not there all the time you can show them a different way to live.

I feel simultaneously horrified for you and angry at you. Which is extremely unfair of me - it’s just that I want you to see it. That you’re not shackled to this life just because the father of your children is a lazy controlling arsehole.

He’ll always be a lazy controlling arsehole. But he doesn’t have to be in your home, or ruling your life.

I can’t take this thread seriously. Each post gets worse than the one before .
OP- why are you still with this man ?

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Find your local Women's Aid service, @Milkminder

You have to get off this gerbil wheel.

can’t take this thread seriously. Each post gets worse than the one before .
OP- why are you still with this man ?

Because she's being abused you twit.

Are you scared to leave because he’d be alone with the children when they were with him?

I’m scared to leave because what if I’m wrong and this isn’t so bad?
What if it’s worse and the children are unhappy too?
What if I lose them 50% of the time?

Op read the answers it is bad it is really bad

@Milkminder

I’m scared to leave because what if I’m wrong and this isn’t so bad? What if it’s worse and the children are unhappy too? What if I lose them 50% of the time?

OP, by staying in this relationship you are teaching your children that it is a woman's job to do childcare, cleaning, cooking AND working. That a dad decides how his partner and children spend their time and gets the final say. That mums stay in the house when they aren't at work, but dads are allowed to go and do hobbies. That when the children need something, dad sits on the sofa and doesn't get up because it's a mums job to do whatever the children need.

This is such an incredibly unhealthy relationship and the more you say, the more awful it sounds.

He would accuse you of cheating if you wanted a night away? He wouldn't 'let' you do a hobby that inconvenienced him at all, even if it was one that would make you happy? You say it simply isn't an option - that's absolutely abuse, that you feel you don't have autonomy over your own actions.

Can you see that you're currently teaching your children that all those things are normal in relationships?

I don't think you get how seriously unhealthy this relationship is and therefore can't see how much damage it's going to do to your children.

Better they see a mum being healthy and independent 50% of the time (in reality you'd have them most of the time as he's not exactly going to fight to care for them is he) than a mum being unhealthy, dragged down, dictated to and emotionally abused 100% of the time.

I don't have children but what did strike me was exactly how much you are doing with them; homework, cricket, craft, reading, etc. My Mum didn't do any of that and neither did my Dad!

I understand that you need to take them to the park but can they do nothing independently? It looks like you have made a rod for your own back.

OP, the children probably will be unhappy at first. Their parents have split up. As far as they are concerned everything is hunky dorey (mostly because you are killing yourself keeping all the plates spinning). But I would bet my bottom dollar in the long run that they will be happier and more well rounded, respectful adults being raised by a happier mother who isn’t being downtrodden and gaslit by her husband.

As others have said, there is not a snowballs chance in hell he’d go for 50%. He’d last a day at most. I would be surprised if he’d be comfortable EOW from your description tbh.